fear of flying.

The decision-making is still going on. My stomach is upset pretty much 24/7. I even have dreams about NY and writing and nonfiction workshops. I talked with another nonfiction graduate who had her book published - and optioned for tv/movie - and she was a huge help. Everyone I have spoken to has raved about the program and vouched for the helpfulness of the professors. It is an academically rigorous program - twice the credits of most others - which makes me a bit nervous, but also reassures me that students get their money's worth. It is intimidating, for sure. I've never taken a writing class, never taken a workshop, and haven't taken an English class since undergrad.

I've been reading books by professors and graduates of the program, and I have to say, much of the time, I am blown away. My heart actually beats faster when I think about being in a class with one of these professors. That sounds crazy, but it's true. Is that a sign that this is the right place, that this is where I am supposed to be? If someone has a talent, wouldn't it be the most appropriate thing to have them go somewhere where it will be nurtured, honed and developed? And shouldn't that person go to the best possible place they can, to take their gift to the maximum it can be?

In December, on my birthday post, I said that I felt 2011 would be a year of blossoming. If I don't take this opportunity, would I be opting to instead remain closed tight in a bud? Choosing the familiar option, instead of the thrillingly new option that could potentially take me to new levels? The below quote is one of my favorites, by Marianne Williamson. Is this anxiety just my fear about taking a risk and possibly succeeding?? Failure is scary, but success can be equally scary, especially if it is more than we ever thought possible. I've explained my Columbia acceptance away time and time again - they take 25 nonfiction people, which is a big class; they just want tuition money; my writing isn't really that good - instead of really thinking, hmmm. The admissions committee saw something in me. They believe in me enough to offer me this spot. And by no means am I thinking I am all that. But would it kill me to believe in myself a little more and open myself up to the fact that maybe this huge risk (financial and otherwise) will pay off exponentially?

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

money matters.

Okay....I almost wasn't going to write about this, and I'm still not sure if I should be doing this. That being said, if people are just going to post comments that provoke even more anxiety in me, please don't comment at all. I don't feel like getting into a discussion about this, I'm just venting some of my anxiety.

I was accepted to Columbia. Yes, it's one of - if not the - most expensive MFAs in the country. It is also one of the most well-known, with an excellent track record of publication. Some of the most amazing writers I can think of teach or visit to teach there. Are there many other programs like this? Of course. I applied to programs in areas where I wanted to live, and where I could see myself pursuing employment, and for a writer, nyc seemed like a good fit *for me*. I know it's not for everyone. But people love to tear the school down, and I'm wondering why this is necessary. Yes, there's shitty funding. Let's get over it. The majority of students DO take out loans to go there, so it's definitely not "just for rich kids." When I was there for social work, I knew of NO ONE who *didn't* have loans. In the world of graduate education, student loans are typically a given. There is a trend in the MFA world to want to not pay for the degree; an expectation that it should be funded. Needless to say, fully-funded programs are highly competitive, for the sheer fact that tons of well-qualified individuals apply for them. While I see the argument in this, I would also say that insisting on not paying for the degree kind of reinforces the idea that the MFA is a "frill" degree. Yes, it is an art degree, and therefore seen as somewhat "less than" something like an MS or JD or MPH. But the arts matter. We need to insist that they matter and be taken seriously. In my experience, I've never heard of someone not expecting to pay for an MA, MS, MPH, etc. It is an investment, and I believe - I have to - that it will yield returns. I can't help but feel that by insisting we shouldn't pay for an MFA, we are reinforcing the devaluing of the degree. But that's just my two cents. In fact, I can't even take credit for that - someone else mentioned it to me last week. I had never even thought of that before, but the more I did, it makes sense.

Is taking graduate loans out for everyone? No, and I can understand not wanting to be under the shadow of debt. But the majority of graduate students do it, and financial aid for higher education is a reality for most people.

This all being said, does the sheer enormity of the loans scare the shit out of me? Of course. My days are constantly full of anxiety about this. I still haven't decided what I am doing re:school, and the money will certainly be an issue. But as much as we may hate it, labels and branding matters. Will the Columbia name help me? Maybe. Maybe not.

Anyway, that's just my personal opinion. And again, I don't feel like rehashing this discussion over and over in the comments. That's been done on numerous websites, blogs and Facebook, and I'm not here to change anyone's opinion on the situation, or argue that one type of program is better than another. It all comes down to fit, in my opinion, anyway.

New York state of mind.

Me and my favorite little guy

Matching Shirts!

Sitting on the steps of Low Library at Columbia

So. I went into the city while I'm up North visiting, and it was the first time I'd been in the city since March 2009. To be honest, though I've really missed Manhattan, I haven't realistically thought about moving back. I love my life in Chapel Hill. I live in a wonderful New Urbanist neighborhood; the town feels like a small town, where the baristas and workers at the co-op know me and the employees at B&N and Dick's Sporting Goods know me as well....I've built a life there in the almost 4 years I've lived there. A large chunk of my wardrobe is Carolina blue, I live for March Madness and the hatred for Duke runs through my veins as though it's always been there. In short, I have become a Tar Heel. Anyway....as I got into Penn Station and bought the MetroCards for my mother and I, that familiar thrill started trickling into my blood - the electric undercurrent of the crowded station, the constant humming of the city and overstimulation wherever you turn. Riding the 1 train up to Columbia, I passed the old familiar stops that I used to frequent so much - 59th St/Columbus Circle, where my favorite Whole Foods is, as well as the Borders and J.Crew I would shop at; 66th St/Lincoln Center, where the B&N was that had the amazing 4th floor cafe where I would stare down at the city while drinking my coffee and doing homework; 72nd St with the Urban Outfitters, the station where I saw the man get hit by the subway train; and 110th St, the stop that would signal it was time for me to get off and walk the two blocks to my apartment on 112th, between Broadway and Amsterdam. Finally, we got to 116th and walked up the subway steps, and as we stepped into the sunlight and turned to the left, there I saw it: Miller Theater, Columbia University School of the Arts.

We stepped through the open gates of the University, and though I hadn't been on campus since 2004, I fell in love with it all over again, like I'd never been gone. The campus will do that to you. It is an oasis of beauty and green in the concrete jungle of the city. Personally, I've always been reminded of the movie "Dead Poets Society." Especially in Butler Library, where it is hard not to be blown away by the marble and chrome. My mom and I walked up the steps to the School of the Arts, and I kid you not, as crazy as this sounds, I was honestly excited and thrilled that I was actually here, that I was actually doing this, that it might become a reality. I met with some of the admissions people, the financial aid rep (who assured me that I would not have to sell any non-essential organs to afford the 50k-per-year tuition), and went up to the 4th floor, where the Writing department is. the students were on spring break, but I was able to see the classrooms, the student lounge and was given the student handbook, a course listing packet, a thesis anthology from last year's students and a copy of the literary journal "Columbia." Looking at the rooms where workshop and lecture would be, I couldn't help but think of the writers that have sat in those rooms before - Jonathan Ames, Tama Janowitz, Meghan Daum, Heidi Julavits, Susan Minot, Rick Moody, Vendela Vida, and of course, the infamous James Franco. I know college is a business, but it felt like they genuinely wanted me to go there.

I left there wishing that I didn't love it so much, that I wish I had found more - something, anything - wrong with the program, other than the tuition. In their defense, there are actually more financial aid opportunities than you might be led to believe otherwise....many of which start the second year, unfortunately.

Anyway. After we left campus, we had delicious falafel at Amir's, went to see my old apartment building, and stopped at Book Culture across the street, which used to be Labyrinth Books when I lived there. Then we went to Pinkberry (a great addition to the 'hood), and hopped a cab to the East Side, where we went to Dylan's Candy Bar (because I love it) and Bloomingdales, where we had coffee at David Burke (he of David Burke and Donatella fame) and did some shopping. It was an exhausting day, but very fun and very tiring.

So, other than that, I still don't know what I will be doing come fall. The New School has not found it in their hearts to even show me the courtesy to let me know their decision, even when I explained I was only visiting the city for a day; and UNC informed me they are STIIIILLLL making their PhD decisions. So. If college is a business, guess who's probably getting my money?

what does regret cost?

So. It's been a week since I was accepted to Columbia. I'm stiiiiiill waiting on UNC and The New School, although I'm not holding out hope. I don't know if I will go to Columbia. I am trying to weigh whether the debt will be worth it, if the internship experiences and connections there will help me get a job and experience, and what they can do for me as a writer. But is that worth adding six figures to my existing graduate school loans? I have been physically sick for a week, trying to figure this all out.

Let me explain this, since many people don't know. Writing programs are not easy stuff. Statistically, it is harder to get into an MFA program than medical school, considering the number of people applying and the actual spots available. There are many people in the Facebook group I'm in who did not get in anywhere, and they applied to 8, 9, 14 programs. Some of them, this is their second time around. I'm not trying to be obnoxious by quoting that, but too many people assume writing is an easy field that anyone can get an MFA in. Nope. It - like any other field - is work. It may not carry the prestige of medicine or law, but it is hard work.

Not many people know this, but back in 2006, when I was applying for PhD programs in psychology, on a whim, I applied to Columbia's MFA. Deep down inside, even then, I wanted to do this, but didn't think people would be too happy if I pursued it. So I applied and didn't tell anyone. Needless to say, I was rejected - which only makes this acceptance that much better. (I know, I am cringing slightly inside when I think about how maybe I should have just tried again the following year.....but then I wouldn't have moved to NC or worked at MSKCC, so maybe things worked out like they were supposed to).

Back in December, I posted that I wanted to make decisions in my thirties based on love and hope, rather than fear. I am afraid that if I don't take this once-in-a-lifetime chance, I am making that choice based on fear, and not hope. I am afraid I will regret it forever. At least with medicine/nursing, I can say, hey, I don't regret this, because I tried. I tried my hardest to succeed in classes, and it wasn't for me. I just couldn't do it. But at least I know. And I have no regrets. I wanted to embrace my thirties with abundance and authenticity - and this chance has presented itself. A chance to pursue what I love - and what I am truly, really good at - for two years. It can be hard sometimes to find what you are good at, and I am finally finding it; I'm finally accepting where I excel. That feeling, after feeling like you're okay at lots of stuff, but not really GREAT at anything, is wonderful. To learn to be an even better writer, intern at publishing houses and make connections and friends. What is this all worth? Is my regret worth 100k? If I don't go to NY, will that lingering regret cost me much, much more?

I know that if I go, there is no guarantee that I will publish books like Lionel Shriver, Kiran Desai or the authors of Freakonomics - all Columbia MFA grads. I know I do not need an MFA to be a writer. Dave Eggers, Jonathan Safran Foer and Nicole Kraus all do not have MFA's. I do need one, however, if I want to teach, since it's the terminal degree.

But do I give myself the chance anyway?

Three Years Later.

Three years ago today, Eve Carson was murdered here in Chapel Hill. I write about this every year, I know. Eve loved UNC, loved Tar Heel basketball and loved Chapel Hill. In that respect, I think it's very appropriate that tonight is the long-awaited last rivalry game of the season between UNC and Duke. I think she'll be looking down, watching, the whole time.

finally.

Well....things have been busy. This past week was a really horrible week, emotionally, as I started to get really down about MFA programs, jobs, life, etc. I finally realized Hunter was not going to call, and I'm pretty sure UNC rejected me for their PhD. I was resigning myself to being rejected from every program, and was going to order some Chinese food last night to cheer me up when my cell phone rang. It was a 212 area code, and my heart started pounding. It was a professor at Columbia, asking me to join their MFA program in creative nonfiction. I almost had a heart attack. My heart was pounding and I was stunned speechless. I don't even know if I made sense at first. The professor laughed and said these acceptance phone calls pretty much go like that at first. He told me about funding opportunities, gave me contact numbers, etc. I couldn't think of any questions to ask him, but have been thinking about it all weekend and will email him with some.

So, yeah. I was not expecting this call in any way. I only applied to Columbia because it's Columbia. I couldn't NOT apply. But I never thought I'd get in. I didn't even fill out all the financial aid because I was so sure I wouldn't get in. I mean, a quarter of the New Yorker's "20 Under 40" list got their MFAs from there. Most MFA programs have about 34 credits to finish the degree....Columbia has around 60. It's a shitload of work. But there's also internships, which would help with contacts for jobs and publishing.....I am still waiting on the New School's decision as well.

I have a lot to think about. I have to think about cost - tuition is prohibitively high - and living expenses, etc. But I also have to consider.....if I do not go, will I end up regretting that for the rest of my life and always wonder what if? I feel like this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and if I don't grab it.......

gym musings.

I was able to rejoin my gym this month; it was something I desperately needed for my rising stress level, self-confidence and my aching foot. The pool helps strengthen my left leg and foot, which is something I really need. But the gym does more than strengthen my body; it strengthens my soul, as cheesy as that sounds. If I've had a hard day, I can go to the gym and accomplish something I set out to do. On bad days, the gym feels like the one place I am successful, the one place where I am good at what I do. I feel at home in the gym. Even just walking through the parking lot, I can feel myself calm down and mentally prepare for my workout. Returning to the gym has been good for me in other ways. Freelance writing is a solitary pursuit. I have no coworkers or workplace. It's nice to go to the gym, see the regular workers there and see fellow tri team members and personal trainers that I'm friendly with. (And of course, Dan, aka "gym boy"). It makes me feel like I belong there.

I've always been an athlete; as a child I was a gymnast, then did karate and cheerleading. In high school I played Varsity tennis, ran winter track and threw javelin (that was short-lived and I sucked, but whatever). In college I played rugby. I'm lucky in the sense that I build muscle easily, so I'm able to see results fairly quickly.

I love the quivering-leg feeling after a 25 mile bike ride as I walk to the locker room. I wear the sweat stains on my tank top like a badge of pride. It is after a workout that I feel most attractive, because I feel strong and capable and proud. Maybe because I know what it's like to not feed your body right. In college, my nutrition was less-than-good. Looking good took precedent over being strong and healthy. I couldn't play a set of tennis back then if I wanted to, I would get so fatigued. But now.....now, I don't take it for granted. I am proud of what I can do and appreciate my health and fitness.

But the gym also brings my limitations front and center. My foot is sore every day. I still don't walk "normally," and I cannot run for more than 2 minutes at a time. I am still figuring out a running gait, and after a treadmill workout, my foot is sore for days. I cannot participate in brick workouts my tri team does, because I can't run the mile or two involved. (The lake swims are another story, but I don't have a speed suit/wetsuit). I watch the people running on the track with envy; I'm surprised I don't burn holes in their backs with my stare. Changing out of my shoes, I see my ugly scarred and bruised foot, and walking in my slides in the pool area, I am very conscious of how I walk.

It's frustrating. You have no idea what living with chronic pain/discomfort is like until you're living it. It's exhausting. It's upsetting. If I squat to look at something and somehow land/bend my left foot, I see stars, it's so painful. The strength difference between my two feet/legs is something of which I am always conscious. I just have to keep reminding myself that it supposedly takes a full year for recovery, and I had TWO major invasive surgeries on my foot in less than 6 months, which caused further stress/trauma to my body. I have to cut myself some slack and realize that, really, it's been a little over five months since the last surgery. Three and a half months out of the boot. I have to adjust to this "new normal." Would I do the surgery again? Of course. I had no choice, really. This was the right surgery, and my surgeon and his team were awesome. I guess I just underestimated recovery time.

that's the way I've always heard it should be....

So. Up to this point, 2011 has not really been my year. And I think that's putting it lightly. This week alone, I found out that my new health insurance (which I got after being denied coverage from the insurance company I've had for most of my life) won't cover "pre-existing conditions" like BUNIONS (they're really reaching now....but I guess after 2 surgeries worth over $30k last year, they're not taking any chances) unless I prove I recently had other health insurance and then they MAY waive the 12 month wait on coverage for it; I didn't get the job I really wanted; and I am most likely not accepted to one of the MFA programs in NYC I really wanted to attend. I am really sad about the job. I really, really wanted it and KNOW that I would have been kick-ass at it. With my writing skills, passion for medicine and excellent research abilities, I would have been a superb employee. I would have loved my job and produced stellar work. I know this in my heart. But, as my old roommate texted me, "Don't let their loss be your loss." I can only assume that things happen for a reason, and this is just one piece in a larger puzzle. But damn if it didn't break my heart.

As for MFA and PhD programs.....I started the process late. I didn't apply to a ton of programs like they suggest, and I didn't really apply to fully funded ones. Given the chance, I would have done things little differently. Or maybe not. Nonfiction programs are far fewer than fiction and poetry. I still haven't sent in my Hopkins application for medical-science writing, since the admissions are rolling and I have some time. But maybe I should send it in? The rec letters are already there.

We know how things went back in 2009 with rejections. I mean.....it took me months to get it together after all that. And I didn't even go to my MPH graduation. I don't regret that, but it took me a long, long time to regain confidence in my intelligence and abilities. And I still don't think I'm as confident as I was before all that happened.

I am beginning to wonder if I am good at anything. I mean really, really good. I don't know if I'm great at anything. Right now, I am thinking that the only things I am really good at are writing and working out. And with the MFA/PhD programs, maybe I'm not as good at writing as I thought. As for working out, like my parents and I talked about last year, I could do the personal training thing. I have the ACSM (American College of Sports Medicine) study materials, but I just need the time to study and take the exam. It's an expensive exam, so I don't want to fail. And there are tons of training jobs here, and I could write at the same time. Plus, I would be able to wear sweats, yoga pants and sneakers to work. Good times, indeed.

The one thing I know without a doubt I am good at is mothering. Let me clarify that, since I obviously am not a mother yet. I am wonderful with kids. Infants, babies, toddlers, kids, pre-teens.....I can handle all ages. They love me. I swear. Nearly every child for which I've babysat, I have loved unconditionally. And the two I didn't were truly masochistic monsters, so they don't really count. They didn't have to be my children for me to truly love them, care for them and know that I would do anything for their well-being. Taking care of children is a lot of work - don't let anyone tell you otherwise - but for me, it has never felt like work. It is instinctual, something I don't have to think about or ever second-guess. Taking care of children is something that, in my heart, I don't think I am good at -- I know I am good at it. But it's not exactly something I can put on my resume, and I didn't earn two graduate degrees simply to be a nanny. (I'm not disparaging nannies; I've been one for years). But this talent will just have to be fulfilled with my nephew and saved for my future children.

I am trying, I am really, really trying to not get too down. This is not where I thought I would be at 30. But my generation is different than my parents' generation. We're in a shitty economy, people are getting married and having children later, half of couples end up divorced, and many people have moved back home in their late 20s/early 30s. So I am trying to not feel too discouraged. I am trying to remember that things happen for a reason. I know that struggle makes success that much sweeter...but I also feel like enough is enough already. Before my birthday last year, I wrote that I wanted to make decisions based on love and hope, not on fear.....and so far, I think I've been successful at that. Now I need to believe that things will turn around, that the positive I send out will return.

Isn't that the way it's supposed to work?

another book review!

I was lucky enough to be given a copy of this book, "The Low-Residency MFA Handbook", by Lori A. May. I had read the "bible" of MFA applicants, Tom Kealey's "Creative Writing MFA Handbook", which deals with traditional MFA programs, but didn't know much about low-residency programs. So what are low-residency programs? These are not "MFA lite" programs, by far. They are just as demanding as full-residency, regular programs, but you can do them remotely, from home. Generally, twice a year, for a week or two, they will have "residencies", where students come and meet with professors, attend lectures, share work and have fun and learn. The rest of the semester, students are working their full-time jobs and doing their work when they come home, and send their work to their advisor or fellow students via email. They keep up via forums and webpages, etc. These programs are perfect for MFA students who do not want to relocate, or can't relocate due to work or family obligations. The main drawback is they do not generally offer good funding like traditional programs, because they don't have teaching assistantships or research assistanships. That is a huge drawback for me. BUT......that being said, you can work full-time at your job while doing these programs. And save the cost of moving.

This book does an excellent job of clearly describing each program, with interviews from faculty, alumni and students from each program, there is a chapter on funding, one on AWP, and one that describes what residencies are like. There is contact information for each program, and reading it, it made me really think that a low-residency program could be a good idea for next year. This way, I could keep my job, not move, and earn a degree at the same time. May also has a chapter on life after the MFA, which is entertaining and reassuring at the same time. Lori May does an excellent job at providing objective information about each program, and because the programs are described by insiders, you really get a feel for each program and whether you want to learn more about the school. If I hadn't read this book, I don't think I would even consider a low-res program in the future, simply because they aren't talked about as much - or they are somehow seen as "less than", which, clearly, they are not.
If you are thinking about an MFA program, or simply want to learn more about your options, pick up this book at Amazon or your local bookstore.

the way we were.

"There are two kinds of girls in the world; the simple girls and the Katie girls. I'm a Katie girl." -- Carrie Bradshaw, "Sex and the City"

I just saw this episode of "Sex and the City" where Carrie says this; she's upset because Big is getting married to Natasha, and at brunch the girls are talking about the movie "They Way We Were", and how Barbara Streisand, who plays Katie in that movie, is the complicated, curly-haired woman. Carrie says the above quote because some men can't handle the complicated women, they prefer the simple women, and Carrie admits she will always be a "Katie girl", and she's fine with that.

And I don't know if it's part of getting older, or just where I am in life right now, but I know I'm complicated. I can be intense, moody, brooding, overly analytical and obsessive, but I can also be spontaneous (okay, rarely), thoughtful, fun, and lighthearted. I value my independence but would also like to get married one day. (Although, see my previous post about how it will NOT rule my life). I love children and although I'd love to be a mom, I have to admit, I'm kind of glad I don't have any kids right now when I read the facebook status updates of some college friends....I think I might throw up if my life revolved around potty training, nanny finding and play dates right now. That being said, my nephew can melt my heart just by calling me "Aunt JJ". I struggle at times, but it makes me appreciate the good times more. I can take care of myself but appreciate the door being held for me. I don't really read fashion magazines anymore; I'd rather read triathlon magazines and writing magazines, that feed my soul and body rather than feed into a beauty myth. I am stubborn but sweet, tough but tender and, at times, can be vicious but vulnerable.

I am complicated, and I am okay with that. I am not the girl you can put into a box and anticipate my next move. I'm not the typical single girl who wants to be married above all else. I rarely cry at movies but a child can bring me to tears. I love the anonymity of Manhattan but love how the baristas at my co-op know my name. Like Carrie, I guess I'm a "Katie-girl."

(And now that SATC is on E! all the time, I love the old episodes. Miranda admits she's not a "girly-girl" and Carrie tells her thank goodness she's not.....where are the shows like this today??? We didn't realize it at the time, but SATC broke barriers of all kinds....).