because I have the cutest kids in my family. seriously.

My super-duper favorite nephew, obviously.

Look at that face. How could you not fall in love?

Bathtime!

My new baby cousin Cole!!!

And this is Cole sleeping!

I feel so incredibly blessed to have these wonderful children in my life. I have not met baby Cole yet, but I love him already. I can't wait!

family, chosen and otherwise.

I LOVE this picture of my nephew and I. There's so much emotion behind it that it's beautiful, to me.

Here we are, at Barnes & Noble. I love his smile.

Though I love living in Chapel Hill, sometimes I do miss living closer to my family. Usually it's hardest after coming back to NC after being up there for a bit. When I came back last Sunday, it was hard. I wished I could stay up North to be near my grandparents and my aunt, and I wished I could have spent more time with each of my parents. But when I went to babysit on tuesday morning, I walked into the house to get the carseats, and saw a note that began with, "Welcome home, Jaime! Hope you had a good time up North!" I teared up, I kid you not. I thought that was so sweet. And today, when I went to lunch with two other kids I babysit for and their mom, I was struck by the wonderful people I've met here, who have invited me into their lives. K, the little girl (well, she's 11, so she's not "little"), ran up to me after lunch and gave me a big hug goodbye....she is so sweet, and I felt so thankful that I have stumbled upon great people here. They may not be my family of origin, but I am slowly building a chosen family here in Chapel Hill, made up of lots of people, some of whom are unexpected. I did miss my family today, though. I was thinking, this time last week I was at lunch with my nephew and grandparents, and Trey sat next to me and would rest his head on my shoulder. And this time last week my family and I were having Rosh Hashanah dinner. But, time goes on....and I will be up North again before I know it.

a colorful life.

You know, I often find myself marveling at the things kids say. Being a nanny, this is a privilege I am lucky to have, seeing the world through childrens' eyes. Today, I was helping E paint. He is four and a half, and often rambunctious. He wanted to paint, and had me put blobs of different color paint on a plate, for his "palette". He made a drawing, and then proceeded to mix all the colors together, in what, to me, looked like a big muddy mix. He then painted a long stripe on the paper with the mixture, and said, "Isn't this very beautiful? There's pink and red and blue and yellow." And sure enough, if you looked closely, each individual color was there. He kept saying, "This is so beautiful, isn't it?" And I thought to myself, you know, I wouldn't have thought so at first, but now that I really look, yes, it's very, very beautiful.

a sweet and sour way to begin the Jewish new year.

Happy Rosh Hashanah! It is the Jewish New Year and I am very thankful for the people in my life. Though my life right now is not exactly as I imagined it would be, I am hoping that this year will bring me a purpose, and help me find my way. I hope that I am able to build upon my faith this year. Right now, I'm not so sure. I am a person of science, which makes it a little difficult to fully be a person of faith (for me, anyway), yet I cannot shake the belief that there is something more, like a Higher Power, or G-d. Honestly, though, sometimes I feel like he's got a whole hell of a lot of explaining to do.

It is hard for me to watch someone who is very ill, and believe that G-d will heal her. Last time I checked, he wasn't in the chemotherapy suite. It is hard for me to share that faith and fully understand it. My instinct is to find the best damn doctor there is, in the best facility, and fight like hell through surgery and chemo and whatever needs to be done. I don't count on miracles. I can't. Do I pray? Yes, I do. But do I believe that that is enough? Not a chance. To me, it's like that story where the guys are stranded in a flood or something, and the one guy keeps saying, "G-d will save me, G-d will save me", and he dies -- and when he meets G-d, he says, "Why didn't you save me?" And G-d replies, "I sent you a plane, a raft, etc etc". Sure, believe in whoever you want to believe in, whatever religion works for you -- but don't use that as an excuse to be passive. Especially when you're in the fight of your life, literally.

And you know what? Maybe that belief system works for me. It makes it easier to deal with cancer. Just focus on the rogue cells that are multiplying out of control, and focus on what needs to be done and what can be done. I can't focus on the "why her" thoughts, or be angry at G-d, because in my mind, it has nothing to do with him - it's pure science. I struggle with issues of faith constantly; maybe that is an occupational hazard of being in the healthcare field. I don't know. Maybe it's the result of 9 years of religious private school. Maybe it's just the result of being overanalytical and obsessive. There are no right or wrong answers to this, and Lord knows, we could talk about this forever and still have a billion different opinons and answers and options. This one's mine, for now.

There are times - and this is one of them - when I wonder about my ability to work in oncology. I love the field, don't get me wrong. But I also take it very hard when I can't "save", or even help people. I take it hard when I watch people ignore factual advice and receive sub-par care that will hasten their demise. It is hard for me to look sickness in the face sometimes. It is hard when I have done all I can do and have to sit back and do nothing. It is hard to face the limits of medicine, in a nutshell. Does everyone in oncology go through this?

yay babies!

I have a new baby cousin Cole!! yay! My one cousin and his wife had a baby this morning! Life is beautiful.

200th post!

This is my 200th post! Yay! It feels like a lot more than that, though.

This is a picture of a shofar, siddur, and tallis.

So, next weekend is Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, and one of the High Holidays. It is one of the holiest days of the year. It is a day of judgement, when G-d looks in the Book of Life and makes decisions on people. It is a day of reflection, and 10 days later is Yom Kippur, when we repent for any wrongdoings so we can be sealed in the Book of Life. It is customary to wish each other "Shanah Tovah", to have a good year, or to tell people you wish them a sweet new year. We eat apples dipped in honey, and challah dipped in honey (which I am eating right now; it's my favorite part of the holiday!). It's also traditional to say "Next year in Jerusalem!" Gosh, I would love that - to be in Israel for the High Holidays. I miss it so much. I will return one day, this I know.

Rosh Hashanah was not always a sweet holiday. 14 years ago - half my lifetime ago - on Rosh Hashanah, events were set in motion that eventually resulted in my parents' divorce. At the time, I thought my life was over. And though it took me a while, my life gradually got larger and though it stings deep down, I am able to enjoy the holiday. This year, we have so much to be thankful for. I am so thankful that my grandmother beat breast cancer and is healthy and back to her socializing self, I am thankful that my nephew is talking and is healthy and happy, I am thankful that my family is able to help me, and I am thankful for my health. Overall, life is sweet, and I have high hopes for the coming year.

living in the moment.

My friend Lily commented on this picture that my nephew looked totally happy and fully present in the moment, and he really does. But isn't that how all kids are? We could learn a lot from them. If you notice, the dog's leash is clipped to his shirt. His new thing is pretending to be a dog. He even does "pee pee on the grass" - he goes on the grass and squats, and says "peepee grass", and pretends to go like a dog. He is definitely my brother's child. But at least he dresses well, which is more than I can say for my brother. :)