Eve Marie Carson, 11/19/85 - 3/5/08

Wow, 3 posts in one day - but not for the right reasons, I'm afraid. This post is about Eve. Eve Marie Carson. I'm posting about her because her autopsy and search warrants were released today, and like a horribly bad car accident, I can't stop looking. If this will upset you, I'd suggest you stop reading this post. I'm posting about this because I need to process this; I need to figure out how another person could cause so much harm and pain to another. It doesn't seem real to me. I'm posting about it to recognize the ugliness of what happened that night, so it doesn't get lost in the niceties and excuses like, "society is responsible" and "oh what a shame those two fell through the system." In all of this, an innocent person was brutally killed for no reason, and we shouldn't forget that. 

Initially, it was thought that Eve was carjacked, since she would often go out at odd hours to do work. Now it came out that the confidential informant - the person who identified one of the shooters - told police back in March that she had spoken to one of the shooters and he said the two of them entered her house through an open door. If this seems crazy to you, let me explain - down South, it's different. People really DO leave their doors unlocked when they're home and up and about. At first I thought it was weird, but I got used to it because it was so nice. But anyway, they entered through an open door and forced her to leave with them. They drove her in her own car to an ATM and forced her to give them her PIN number. Over the next 2 days they took out about $1400. According the the informant, they were going to kill her anyway after she gave them her PIN number. This is when that picture at the ATM was taken, more than an hour before she was killed. 

Supposedly, they think she tried to escape and run, and she was shot 5 times by 2 separate weapons - a shotgun and a .25 caliber pistol. The autopsy report lists 6 gunshot wounds, because horrifically, she tried to shield her face with her hand and the bullet - a shotgun bullet - went through her hand and grazed her temple. She was also shot in the cheek, the shoulder, the upper arm, and the buttock. Both men - boys - shot her. The autopsy said no single shot was fatal, and I am horrified to think that she suffered a great deal. You can actually read the actual pdf of the autopsy, and maybe it was naive of me, but I read it, and it shocked and horrified me even further. The details of the shotgun wounds and bullet wounds, the entry and exit points.....the little details, like the white paper bracelet she had around her wrist.....and call me stupid, but I had no idea what a shotgun bullet entailed - the little pellets inside that spray everywhere upon impact....I had to ask my roommate what they meant when they wrote "birdshot pellets". The injuries to her brain and lungs and hand - my G-d, no one should have to suffer that. They don't think she was sexually assaulted, but some police want DNA samples because they believe a sexual assault "of an unknown nature" may have occurred. 

They found her lying on her back, with one arm bent behind her head. Eve, a woman who was so well-known, and so popular, so social, died alone in the street, without family or friends or a hand to hold. Someone who led such a brilliantly colorful life died in such a terrifying, dark way. I cannot imagine the thoughts that must have ran through her head in those last hours, those last moments where she must have realized what was going to happen, when she made that brave decision to run. I cannot imagine the grief of her family, the gutwrenching helplessness to know that your child died alone in an intersection. It makes me ill just thinking about it. 

So why am I posting this? We study maternal-child health. Eve was someone's child - is someone's child. We don't study the maternal-child relationship, oddly, but it is one worth looking at. What happens when that relationship is severed by loss? How does that color one's life? How does one rebuild and go on? Do you? Can you? Life, as Joan Didion once wrote, changes in the instant, the ordinary instant. And we're never the same. 

I love UNC. I love the Quad in the spring and the arboretum in the fall. I love the Pit on a sunny day and Graham Memorial Lounge on a rainy one. I love Roy all the time. But what makes UNC truly special is not our beautiful campus, our distinguished reputation, or even our basketball team. It's us - the student body - who make UNC what it is. - Eve Carson

*on my soapbox*

I was debating posting about this, but these are actually politics I care about, and think this needs to be told.

Not even 10 minutes after I posted the entry below, about falafel, I read a sobering story in the NYTimes. In 2006 - actually, shortly after my trip to Israel - Israeli soldiers were captured by Hezbollah, a Lebanese militia/terrorist group. The Israeli cabinet voted on Sunday to trade a notorious convict, along with 4 other Lebanese, for these 2 soldiers, whom they initially believed to be alive. But unfortunately, Ehud Goldwasser and Eldad Regev, the 2 Israeli soldiers, are dead. So essentially, Israel is trading 5 Lebanese convicts for the bodies of 2 dead Israeli soldiers. Israel has a tradition of doing everything it can to get back its soldiers, but one of these convicts they are releasing.....Samir Kuntar - in 1979, he was part of a group that raided the Israeli town of Nahariya, killed a civilian while his 4 year old daughter watched, and then smashed her head and killed her, as well. Her mother and 2 year old sister were hiding, and to keep the 2 year old from crying, the mother accidently suffocated her. Kuntar says he regrets nothing, and when he returns to Lebanon, he will receive a hero's welcome. Israel will also give the UN info on Iranian diplomats who disappeared in Lebanon. Gilad Shalit, an Israeli soldier captured by Hamas 2 years ago, is still missing and his fate is unknown. 

You can read about this more here. 

Personally, I am shocked, saddened, and conflicted. I have a few thoughts on the UN, which I won't share here. I am sad for the families involved. 

I (heart) falafel

So, most people who know me know that I *LOVE* falafel. I ate myself silly on falafel when I was in Israel 2 years ago. For 10 and a half days, every chance I got, I ate falafel. I ate heart shaped falafel, falafel with "chips" (aka french fries), falafel in Tel Aviv, falafel in Jaffa, falafel in Jerusalem, falafel in Beersheva - it was like a falafel tour of the Holy Land. Good times, indeed. Needless to say, it's hard to find good falafel in the States. But I found some, 2 blocks from my place. It's called "OK Falafel House", and let me tell you, it is WAY more than just "ok". It is the best falafel I think I have ever had outside of Israel. And the people who ran the restaurant were Arab - like, authentically Middle Eastern. This is not falafel from a box. I think this is the best meal I have eaten so far in NY. 

It does make me miss Israel. Last year, I was actually thinking of doing my practicum in Israel, at Hadassah Hospital. They have a whole Psychosocial Oncology department. But my family would not be so keen on the idea, because of safety stuff - they were nervous enough when I went on Birthright! But honestly, I always felt safe there. It was an amazing trip, and I miss it a lot.  

dress yourself in bleeding madras

Today is one of those hot, hot summer days in the city when stepping into an icy subway car is a godsend. Kids are playing in the water fountain things at the park at 96th st, and ice cream trucks are on street corners. That being said, it didn't stop me from running down to East Midtown - and finding an amazing deal on a short sleeved cashmere sweater, for less than 40 dollars (it used to be over a hundred). Good times. Now I have a lit review to write for my job at UNC, as well as read over stuff my preceptor at MSKCC gave me.

Yesterday I walked around the Union Square Greenmarket, which was pretty nice, and stopped by the Rugby store. The Greenmarket was fun, it's when all these local vendors and farms and such come and set up their wares. There's produce, flowers, food, and all sorts of cute stuff. It's fun. Although it reminded me what downtown was like - it's right where NYU is, basically, and so it was really crowded, compared with uptown.

*no words*

I hate this. I shouldn't be posting things like this in the year 2008. My friend's mother passed away today from Stage IV breast cancer. I met my friend 2 years ago, when I went to Israel on Birthright, and she told me her mom had breast cancer, and that it was metastatic. I hurt in my heart then, but 5 minutes ago, that hurt came rushing back when I saw her Facebook profile. My friend just graduated from Davidson, a college in North Carolina, so I am at least glad her mom got to see her graduate. 

I don't want to post any stupid pink ribbons, as much as I know they bring strength and encouragement to some people. Not me, not today. Posting ribbons isn't going to bring her mom back, and it isn't going to save the tens of thousands of women who will die this year. Let's do more than wear ribbons and "shop for the cure" and "walk for the cure" - yeah, we can do all that, but let's do something that really matters. Self-exams. Encouraging women we love to do monthly self-exams. Talking to our doctors. Going for mammograms. Raise money for research. Drive someone you care about to chemo. Cook them dinner. Hug them.

It's not fair. It's not right that my 22 year old friend lost her mom to this horrible disease. Ilana, this post is for your mom.

In memory of Elaine Esposito Valinsky, 1955 - 2008. 

oncology superstars, plus dinner

my nephew likes to hit the bottle

So, I've pretty much been living off bagels, fruit, oatmeal, and cereal, partly because I hate to cook/can't cook, and partly because the shared kitchen on my floor is.....not ideal. For anyone. My roommate is the same way - in our room on our shelves we have peanut butter, bread, Sarabeth's jam, animal crackers, triscuits, cereal, blue corn chips - and in the fridge we have water, diet coke, cherries, apples, and coconut water. So my "real" meals lately have been last Friday, out to dinner with Emily, and Monday night, out for authentic Mexican food with Jessi. And I've supplemented with Pinkberry, Starbucks, and Dunkin' Donuts. Nutritious, I know. And I actually took nutrition of children and mothers! So at work today, I decided to splurge and pick up dinner somewhere. Given that this is Manhattan, any kind of cuisine is at my fingertips. I went for comfort food and decided to go Italian - Osso Buco is a restaurant in my 'hood; there's also one in the Village. I ordered garlic bread and penne alla caprese (penne with tomato sauce and mozzarella cheese). It's right down the block from me, so I went and picked it up - heavenly. The portions of both were so big that I have dinner for tomorrow night, too. It's amazing how much better I feel now that I have a nice big real Italian meal in me.

Practicum is going well, I think I have a topic for a Master's Paper, and the addendum to add me to the retinoblastoma study finally got approved, so hopefully I will be talking to patients soon!


Yesterday I had one of the most fantastic experiences - I met someone I never thought I would. Jimmie Holland is a pioneer in psycho-oncology. She basically FOUNDED the field. She's amazing. Her book The Human Side of Cancer is one of my favorites. I used to joke with people that I wanted her job - I never, ever thought I would actually get to meet her. But yesterday, when I got to work, as I was going through the turnstile in the lobby, I ran to catch the elevator, and she was in there. She saw my ID and made a comment about both of us going to the 7th floor. I knew who she was, but I said, "You're Jimmie Holland, right?" She said yes, and we had a great conversation that didn't stop when we got to our floor. She actually stopped in the hallway and didn't scan her ID to get into the Counseling Center - she took the time and made it clear that she wanted to have a conversation. She had the kindest eyes, and was incredibly down to earth and very friendly. She thanked me for introducing myself and said she'll see me around the office. Wow. I was speechless afterwards. I have so much respect and admiration for her, and aspire to do even half of the things she's done for psychosocial oncology. I'm sure she gets people like me coming up to her all the time, but she was so personable that it caught me off-guard for a second; I'm not quite sure what I expected. But it reminded me of something she did last week with the Fellows' Symposium - several of the fellows were really really nervous, and I empathized with them because public speaking terrifies me - and numerous times, after someone who was clearly nervous finished, she would praise them on a job well done. That struck me as incredibly nice and really supportive, which was heartening to see. You hear so many horror stories of the medical field being cutthroat - and maybe it is - but the feeling I've gotten from MSKCC so far is anything but.


I have to give a shoutout to Dr.Chu, my biostats prof from last semester - I admit, I dislike math and am not very good at it, which doesn't help the math anxiety I have. But somehow, some of it actually sunk in, and when I hear people in the office talk about "power" of a research study, or talk about SAS - even regression, which is just so abstract to me - I feel like I actually know what they're talking about. And even Epidemiology, from first semester, with Vic - people years, incidence vs prevalence - it's all coming together in practice, and that's neat to see, rather than just from a textbook.


If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it? - Albert Einstein

breast cancer I bet you haven't heard of

This is Deena Metzger. It's a famous picture of her, post-mastectomy, with this underneath: "I am no longer afraid of mirrors where I see the sign of the amazon, the one who shoots arrows. There was a fine red line across my chest where a knife entered, but now a branch winds about the scar and travels from arm to heart." (You can see the tattoo over her mastectomy scar). 

Since I know people are reading this, I want to take this opportunity to mention something very important to me. I know breast cancer awareness seems to be everywhere - so much so that you really need to be wary of the "tyranny of pink" and all the marketing - but a certain type of breast cancer often gets ignored and never mentioned. Triple-negative breast cancer (sometimes also referred to as basal-like) describes a breast cancer that is estrogen-receptor negative (ER-), progesterone-receptor negative (PR-), and Her-2/neu negative. What this means is that the hormone therapies like Tamoxifen, Arimidex, and even Herceptin don't have any effect on this cancer. Hormone therapy is not an option. These cancers tend to strike younger women and women of color, and are usually more aggressive and more likely to metastasize. But, that being said, they are very responsive to chemotherapy. Unfortunately, that and radiation (although you have to be careful of previously radiated fields) are the only options if it recurs/spreads. But no one ever mentions this type of cancer. I mean, honestly - before you read this post, did you even know about it? Have you ever heard of it? I'm willing to bet you haven't. So while I'm very happy we now can use Evista as a hormone-therapy drug and there are all these hormonal options, what about the women for whom that doesn't make a difference? 

The Triple Negative Breast Cancer Foundation is a wonderful organization that raises awareness of this disease and raises money to help scientists research it further.  Too often it gets ignored, and that's not right. (And I am fully aware that MANY cancers get ignored because they're not as "fashionable" as breast cancer awareness is, but that's a whole other post). 

I just found this website, too, that raises awareness of triple-negative breast cancer.

So please go to their website, look around, and tell people you love about this. I know it sounds hokey, but it's really important. 

clouds in my coffee

Until I can get to Zarela, the only margaritas are on my socks! 

So, last night was yet another example of why I should really listen to Dr.Dechow more and when I take an Ambien for insomnia, just take it and go to sleep - NOT take it and proceed to go online. Although instead of going shopping on bloomingdales.com like before, I apparently downloaded some Carly Simon from iTunes. Which is great, I like Carly. But it was funny to see that I had done that and not really remembered. But at least I had good taste, even on Ambien. I remember when I went to Martha's Vineyard a few years ago, all I wanted was to see Carly Simon, and maybe go to her store (she has a store on the island). But sadly, we didn't see her. 

So, today.....I have an orientation meeting for my dorm here, then I think I will work on some stuff for internship, including figuring out a topic for a possible Master's Paper so I can use MSKCC data. I'm meeting up with Em for brunch later (by then it will just be lunch), and Jessi's probably stopping by for coffee later tonight. I'm still battling this summer cold/allergy, and now my throat hurts. I'm hoping it goes away soon. 

I stumbled upon some quotes I really liked, and wanted to share them - I'm one of those people that loves quotes, and I'm hoping that other people like them, too. 

There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed. - Ernest Hemingway

I make mistakes, I am out of control, and sometimes hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. - Marilyn Monroe

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman. - Anais Nin

And this one, quite possibly my very favorite: 

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous." Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. - Nelson Mandela

TGIF

Not much happened today....more researching and waiting for IRB approval on adding me to the study. Worked on my lit review. 

Snapshots of a day in NY:

On my way to the subway this morning I saw 3 girls with the same bag as me. I have it in robin's egg blue, and theirs were red and black. On the way home on the subway, I saw yet another girl with it.  I see this daily. It seems to be the everyday tote bag. 

I am battling a cold, and got amazing soup for lunch. It should be amazing, for $7. But it was just what I needed. yum. 

I ordered groceries online and had them delivered - surprisingly, it was cheaper than going to the store. And, they have 4-minute meals that you can just pop in the microwave - from Tabla, this awesome restaurant in the city. 

And now I just got home from dinner and Pinkberry with Emily. Total comfort food - we had gnocchi pomodoro and wine, followed by our beloved fro-yo. The restaurant was on 82nd and 2nd ave, so it was a pretty busy area - tons of restaurants and bars I have to check out before the end of the summer! And that doesn't even count the places I want to go to, like Zarela, Sarabeth's, Max Cafe, Cafe Lalo, Fetch.......although I think on Sunday Em and I are doing brunch at Sarabeth's, which is THE BEST place for brunch, I swear. Although there are locations in the Whitney and on the Upper East Side, the best is the original, on the Upper West Side, which is where we'll go on Sunday - even if it IS overrun with all the families with their Bugaboos (which secretly, I covet). Ah, good times. 

These are Bugaboo strollers. For $900 bucks a pop, they seem to be everywhere here, although they tend to stay around the Upper West and Upper East....and Soho, I guess. 

no day but today

Being that my days revolve around cancer, and even when I'm not at internship, my brain seems not to notice that and I'm either reading about cancer or trying to figure out a research topic, death was sure to come up sooner or later. And sometimes, it just hits you, that all you have is today, no one promises you tomorrow. And once you realize that, and (try to, anyway) live in the moment, everything looks different. The crowded, noisy subway car becomes full of untold stories, the refreshing coldness of a Diet Coke on a hot day seems like the best thing ever, and you hug people a little harder, a little longer. 

"This day, and this moment, this is the best day of our lives right now." - Eve Carson, 11/19/85 - 3/5/08

thoughts on cancer

So, the other day, Elizabeth Edwards, Lance Armstrong, and Steve Case (AOL's founder) testified before Congress for them to renew the war on cancer that Nixon started. Because Bush cut funding for the NIH last year (or the year before, I can't remember) for the first time in decades, the NCI also lost money. This means less money to fund potentially life-saving grants and trials, less money to pay up and coming brilliant researchers - less money overall. Which leads to (most likely) less progress. (Did you know that what we spend in Iraq in 9 months equals the cumulative budget of the NIH for the past 30 years?) Elizabeth Edwards holds a fascination for me - I saw her at the LAF Summit in Austin in 2006, and she was amazing. Honest, authentic, hopeful.....and when her cancer recurred and was found to be metastatic, I was heartbroken. She and her husband live in Chapel Hill, but I haven't seen her yet!

There is a wonderful article in the NYTimes about how cancer can be a chronic illness, not the death sentence it is usually thought to be.

possibly one of the most amazing days of my life

 "The essence of relationship is that in the encounter, both persons are changed." - Rollo May, an amazing existential psychologist

Today was an amazing day. And I feel like I've said that a lot lately, but today was really great. Today was a Fellows' Symposium - clinical and research fellows presented on a variety of topics, and it was so interesting. My 2 favorite presentations included the one on long-term psychodynamic psychotherapy with cancer patients, and the other one was on "my most meaningful patient". This one was very striking. It was presented by a clinical DO psychiatry fellow, and the patient turned out to be a psychiatry intern who ended up passing away because of a pulmonary embolism after surgery, and the fellow brought up the idea that when the boundaries between patient and doctor blur, is that always a bad thing? This patient was a fellow colleague, yet here was this fellow acting also as her psychiatrist, but she was also her friend. Many people in the therapy world would cringe at this, the whole taboo of dual relationships. Based on comments the fellow made about the support (or lack thereof) from her fellowship cohort, it was very interesting to think about the shifting roles, and how people see their role in the therapeutic and medical relationship. I think some people - physicians, psychologists, therapists - are so hell bent on maintaining boundaries, which are definitely necessary, I'm not discounting them - but some people fail to see that sometimes a blurring of boundaries can be more therapeutic - for both parties involved. Sometimes, as clinicians, we are so afraid of self-disclosing, that I think a crucial human element of the essence of relationship gets lost. 

Another reason today was so great was that not only were many people I've read about from MSKCC's psychiatry department there today, but the founder of psycho-oncology, Jimmie Holland, was also there. She is a psychiatrist at MSKCC, and basically pioneered the field. Ever since I read her handbook of psycho-oncology 4 years ago, I have been in awe of this woman. Her book The Human Side of Cancer is one of my favorite and most read books, and I just have the utmost respect and admiration for her. Years ago, I even told a doctor who worked at MSKCC that I wanted Jimmie Holland's job! And I was only half-kidding. To see her, in the flesh, was amazing. I will probably see her throughout the summer at various things and/or at the office, but today it was like....wow. 

MCHers love the kids!

My nephew and I on Father's Day.

One of my favorite quotes, by an unknown author, goes like this: To decide to have a child is to decide to have your heart walk outside of your body forever. When I first read that quote, years and years ago, it struck me, but in a much different way than it does now. Being older, having nannied with several families (all of whose kids I love, still), and having a relatively new nephew have all illustrated how much that quote really is true. And being in maternal-child health, we work with women and children and families, which this quote really gets to the heart of, in my opinion. At MSK, I am working with my supervisor on a lit review of psychosexual issues and young adults who had childhood cancer. Many people don't know that chemotherapy, radiation, and especially bone marrow transplants can cause premature ovarian failure, or abrupt menopause, bringing a whole new host of issues to an individual who is already dealing with a life-threatening illness. Some people might be thinking, yeah, but infertility is a small price to pay for survival. Well, it's not that simple. Yes, surviving and living through cancer are paramount. But why should having biological children be any less important? Why should they have to possibly make that sacrifice, without their knowledge (many people say they aren't aware of possible risks to their fertility until after treatment)? Yes, there is always banking sperm, freezing eggs, using surrogates, and ART (assisted reproductive technologies), but these are not always feasible or available to everyone, and it's still a very emotionally and psychologically taxing experience. The opportunity to bring a child into this world is such a special, sacred experience - and I feel like it's incredibly unfair for cancer to take that choice away from someone.

Fertile Hope is an organization based here in NY, founded by cancer survivor Lindsay Nohr Beck, and it's a really great group. They have information about all the options for cancer survivors and their significant others, and it's presented in a very matter-of-fact, pity-free way. 

On that note, I'd like to post the Lance Armstrong Manifesto video below. Every time I watch it, I get chills and my eyes tear up. 

And below is the song "Maybe Tonight, Maybe Tomorrow", by the band Wide Awake. They played at the LAF Summit on Survivorship in Austin in 2006, and they were amazing. This video makes me cry everytime I watch it! 

the first week........

As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of being.  - Carl Jung

Well, I survived my first week, and loved it. Every day, when I get on the subway to come back uptown, my head is swimming with information and ideas. Usually I crash when I get home and take a nap for a little bit because I'm so exhausted, but I love it. Like my supervisor said on Friday when we met again, "The world is your oyster" - and that's exactly how I feel at MSKCC. My only problem right now is actually narrowing down and focusing on something specific to concentrate on. 

Monday is the Fellows' Symposium, and I can't wait to go. Here are just some of the topics being presented:

A Case for Long-Term Psychodynamic Psychotherapy in Advanced Cancer (this one I am REALLY looking forward to!!)

My Most Meaningful Patient

Sense and Significance:How Bereaved Parents Make Meaning of the Loss of a Child (this one sounds really great, too)

How do Palliative Care Families Benefit from Sessions of Family-Focused Grief Therapy? A Preliminary Investigation of Therapeutic Process

So as you can see, there will be a variety of topics on monday, and I am super excited to hear all of them. I think it's also interesting that the one on "my most meaningful patient" isn't being presented by a PhD or MD, but a DO. hmmmm. 

Anyway, being in NY is great. Expensive and tiring, but great. It's been a tiring week, with all the walking and getting used to a new environment and job expectations, but I feel very satisfied at the end of the day. My brain might be overloaded, but I'm filled with inspiration and ideas. It's also really great to be back in the city, among so many different people and so much energy. I do miss NC, though. People are just friendlier down South, but we all knew that already. This weekend will be a weekend of relaxing, I think. Catching up on sleep (since I don't seem to get much sleep during the week), doing some work for internship, and just relaxing are the plans so far. 

High point of today: finding a Chinese restaurant right across from my apt and Jamba Juice on 86th and Lex

Low point: the cuts on my Achilles tendons from my shoes, being "dripped on" from a/c units in buildings

come here often?

Isn't my nephew the cutest thing ever? 

Anyway.....
Only in NY. Only in NY would a creepy guy try to hit on me if I were an oncologist. I swear to G-d, today, on my way home from work, I get on the subway, and by some miracle, there's space for me to sit. So I slide onto the bench, and I realize I'm still wearing my ID tag around my neck. The man next to me (probably in his 40s) looks me up and down a few times (I'm wearing a polo and a madras skirt), looks at my ID tag, and says lasciviously, "So.....are you an oncologist?", with a creepy grin. And though I wish I could be an oncologist, I smiled and said, "No, I'm in public health." And with that, he promptly looked away and didn't acknowledge me for the rest of the trip. Strange.

On Monday, the Psychiatry/Behavioral Medicine fellows are participating in a Symposium at the main hospital, and I get to go! I'm so excited for 6 hours of cancer talk. I'm excited to see what interventions they've researched and what programs might be in the works for patients. Every day I am amazed yet again at the brainpower under one roof. And it hasn't been a rare occurrence to be reading articles for my lit review and suddenly realize that the authors of the article work at MSKCC. I'm still a little starstruck. 

I've been thinking a lot about cancer, even when I go home after work, and many times I wish we could do more for patients. I have a friend who is a pediatric oncologist at Hopkins - here's his blog -  and he told me about a patient of his whose cancer came back. She has medulloblastoma, which is the most common malignant CNS (central nervous system) tumor in children. It is a cerebellar tumor, and the cerebellum is a part of the brain that plays a role in sensory perception and motor control. She has had one bone marrow transplant (BMT) and is preparing for a second because of the recurrence. It just breaks my heart. You can read about BMTs here - they are incredibly taxing. And this 11 year old little girl is going through this. It just doesn't seem fair. For a second, it gets discouraging. But paradoxically, that is the very same thing that inspires me and reinforces why I am doing what I am. 

workin' 9 to 5

You know it's been ridiculously hot when you look on weather.com and feel overjoyed to see that the temperature will be 88 degrees...it's been super hot here, but today we got a slight break. Yesterday I was able to finally get my MSKCC ID, and since there's a shuttle from the main hospital at 68th (where I got my ID) to the Rockefeller Outpatient Center at 53rd (and the Counseling Center is at 54th), I decided to take the shuttle to work. Bad idea. We were informed there was no a/c on the shuttle, and it ended up taking a half an hour to go 15 blocks, since it was morning rush hour. It was excruciating, let me tell you. I met with my supervisor, and any nerves I had about being at MSKCC were alleviated, because our meeting was wonderful. We talked about all the research she's doing, funding disparities among types of cancer, fertility and cancer, plans for next year, and various people in the cancer advocacy community we both knew (the world of cancer tends to be small, as I am finding out!). I am working on several studies, and will have the opportunity to speak with patients about their cancer experience. Basically, anything I can think of, is most likely possible here. I feel like the resources are unlimited and the opportunities are endless. I'm like a kid in a candy store, and can't wait to dive in. 

Right now I'm doing a literature review on psychosexual issues among survivors of childhood cancer, and though I spent hours reading and researching today and my brain is spent, I am incredibly happy with what I'm doing. There's just so much to learn, and still so much more to be explored. 

Living on the Upper East Side is pretty good. My neighborhood is cute, relatively calm compared to downtown, and my living situation is pretty much like a dorm. My roommate, Jessica, is a college senior who is interning as a wedding planner, and she's incredibly nice. She's originally from TX, and Regina - she loves Paula Deen! In some ways, I feel like I've regressed back to my undergrad years - think about your college dorm experience, and that's how this is, complete with communal bathrooms and shower cubicles, etc. I haven't lived in a dorm since 2000, so this is a fun little flashback for me. Everyone on my floor seems pretty nice, although people pretty much stay to themselves. 

Being back in NY is good, and although I was apprehensive about returning after being in Chapel Hill for a year, where people actually have manners and thank you for holding the door for them and strike up conversations with you in line, I've found that many people here are very responsive to kindness. They might not initially smile at you or start a conversation, but if you hold the door for them or wish them a good day, you'll get a smile and a "thank you" in return, and they somehow open up a little more. It makes the city a little less robotic and a little more personal. 

"Although the world is very full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it." - Helen Keller

why you should not wear sandals in the city

High Points: Lunch at pinkberry, working in the air conditioning, the nice people I met today

Low Points: the 97 degree sweltering city heat, my dirty feet (due to both my shoes and the sheer reality of going sockless in the city)

Today was my first day of practicum, and because my supervisor was working from home today because of a conference she had attended, it was pretty much an intro day. I learned about one of the studies I will be working on, the retinoblastoma study, and learned about and used the database used for the study, and also am reviewing articles for my supervisor. Tomorrow I get my ID and (hopefully) an mskcc.org email address, and since my supervisor will be onsite, I should know more about my daily routine and projects I will work on, etc. 

It is so hot here that supposedly, there will be some brownouts on the UES because of the demand on the power system, or something like that. Good times. 

summer in the city

New York is a tough city. It is complex and beautiful. Cities are amazing and brutal. We love cities. They survive, we survive. Each individual finds a way alone or with the help of others....To be in a city like New York or Los Angeles or Mexico City is to be in a dialogue with a community of people that inspire and inform one another...." - from the book "Letters to a Young Artist"

Last night I went to the best candy store ever, and hopefully soon I will go to my favorite place for cupcakes. It is HOT in the city today, and everyone looks like they just ran a marathon. I still haven't found hangers, and am trying to avoid going all the way downtown today to get them. Plans for tonight include going out for dinner with my friend Jessi, whom I haven't seen in 2 years, so I'm looking forward to that. 

I've found a new obsession, Pinkberry. It's a frozen yogurt place that sells 3 kinds of yogurt - pinkberry, coffee, and green tea - and various fruit/cereal toppings. I went yesterday and got pinkberry yogurt with bananas and blueberries, and it was heavenly. Especially since it was over 92 degrees. The fro-yo is sort of yogurty tasting; more so than regular frozen yogurt, and though I'm not a fan of regular yogurt, it was super good. I have a feeling I will be eating lots of it in the next 8 weeks.

Tomorrow is my first day of practicum, and I'm not quite sure what to expect, but I'm very excited, albeit slightly intimidated. 

American Cancer Society - friend or foe?

I'm part of i2y (imtooyoungforthis.org), which is a great organization that focuses on young adults living with cancer, and the founder, Matt Zachary (an awesome guy) sent us an email about the American Cancer Society. It turns out it might not be the great organization everyone thinks it is - here's an article about how wealthy the ACS is, though it is a non-profit, and here is an article that shows that only 2% of their 2006 expenditures went toward patient assistance services. And of the cancer research grants that they DO fund (14% of their 2006 expenditures), NONE are for young adults. The 2006 salary for the CEO of the ACS is $656, 000, with an expense account of $500,000. 

Doesn't it seem like something's off? And if young adults are the one demographic group that has not had a decrease in mortality in decades, shouldn't at least SOME research grants be devoted to this??

Move-In Day

So I am finally in Manhattan, and for the most part, settled in. My room is small (the picture above is pretty much nearly the whole room, for two people), and I haven't met my roommate yet. But it's airconditioned, has a doorman, and has a laundry room right down the hall, which, by NY standards, was worth every bit of the $2400 it will cost me to live here for 8 weeks. Yeah. I'm at a Residence which is part of the 92nd St Y (a cultural mecca on the Upper East Side). It's one of those places where parents sign their kids up for the preschool here when they're still embryos because of the admissions waitlist, and there are talks and concerts and classes, which are all pretty neat. There's a Dunkin' Donuts right across the street, and a Starbucks around the corner, as well as a supermarket next to the DD. So it's a decent location, and the neighborhood is cute. 

I like mail, so here's my address:

de Hirsch Residence

Box E-21

1395 Lexington Ave

NY, NY 10128

My mission today: go food shopping, go to the drugstore for odds and ends (like hangers and plastic baggies for lunch), and eventually meet up with my friend Emily and also go to Dylan's Candy Bar and stock up on candy for the next week or so.