everything changes.

I hate moving. I've mentioned this before. Maybe it has something to do with all the moving around during the divorce (you attachment theorists would have a field day with that one, huh). I don't know. Maybe it's just because I hate change. But of course, the only constant is change, as we all know. I took 3 Jeep-loads of stuff to my new brownstone, and mostly all I have left is a few boxes, and room stuff, like my bedside table, bed, bookcase, and drawers. Hopefully it shouldn't be too bad. Today my neighbors must have enjoyed the entertainment I provided as the bottom of my box labeled "kitchenware" fell out and dishes, thermoses, and coffee mugs went tumbling down the grass and landed on the concrete parking lot. My favorite Orla Kiely mug that my grandparents bought me broke, and a lid to a pot got nicely dented. Thankfully, my menorah and my Anne Taintor mug survived intact. 

Packing up my stuff makes me sad. Besides the fact that I love this condo, and I still have some bitterness that the PhD program didn't work out and therefore I won't be buying this place and staying in it, going through my stuff reminds me of where I've been. The blue dishes that I have are ones that my dad bought me when I graduated college and moved into my first place of my own, in Ft Lauderdale. He surprised me one night when I came home from work with a bunch of stuff for my apartment. The purple fake lilacs in a mason jar on the shelf in my bathroom have been with me since Florida -- my mom bought them for me when she helped move me in to that apartment, because she said all houses should have flowers. Those lilacs have also been with me everywhere - FL, Manhattan, NJ, NC....they've been a constant. Even the chip clips I still have from when I first moved down to Chapel Hill bring back the memory of me, my mom, and my dad (yes, the three of us) food shopping together, because they both helped move me in down here. Even at the age of 28, I enjoy having these mementos of my parents helping me become independent. And now, I have my new Orla Kiely tumblers and plates and mugs that my mom and my grandparents bought for me during graduation weekend, and numerous pictures of my sweet nephew to put up in my new room. It reminds me of the Melissa Etheridge song form the movie Boys on the Side (one of my very favorite movies EVER), "I'll take you with me..." -- wherever I go, I always have these memories. 

Knowing this might be my last night in this house makes me remember this past year.....moving in after a summer in NY, getting lost driving in Southern Village, having the recycling Nazi lady yell at me, my roommate and I comparing JCrew purchases, pink poker night, lazy Sundays watching America's Next Top Model all day, walking Izzi (the dog)....I had a good year here, overall. I had my ups and downs...sometimes more downs, but I've enjoyed my stay here. Am I jealous of the people moving in? Oh yeah. Wicked jealous. Really. But, life goes on....I guess. 

Latest obsession: Haribo gummy bears. Damn, these are good. 

Losing Everything

I'm reviewing books for Elle magazine. I've read 2 books today, and one is titled Losing Everything, by David Lozell Martin. Initially, the book didn't seem interesting to me. It's nonfiction, and details his struggles growing up and various bouts with depression, marital infidelity, and financial ruin. But I kept reading, because his words are suffused with humanity -- and by that, I mean that it is easy to relate to his writing, even if your circumstances are very, very different. His ability to convey basic human emotion is excellent. Toward the end of the book, there is a passage that jumped out at me. 

"...At the end of your life, at the very summation of your life, all that matters is what you've done....This is the thirteenth book I've published. It doesn't matter what effort it took for me to write them. It doesn't matter how far back from the pack I had to start in the race to become a writer. It doesn't matter what else was going on in my life. All that matters is that I wrote the books and they are published and people read them. I'd like to write thirteen more, but what I'd like to do doesn't count in the end. That's the latest lesson I learned -- if it's important to you, do it. Because not doing it, while having a good excuse, doesn't mean anything in the end." 

Sugarland, summer adventures, and medical musings

I am sick of buying cards for people because of cancer. I am sick of hearing that people I care about are getting surgery because of more rogue cells. I am getting tired of the heartbreak, of the helpless feelings, and of the non-answers the medical community has to give so many of us regarding cancer. But I also know that those IN the medical community are just as frustrated.....because, dare I say, I am one of those people. I have my MS, my MPH, I've been with the LAF and i2y...I think maybe I can say that. And maybe that's why this is such a double-edged sword for me. Part of me wants to bury my head in the sand and just not think of cancer ever again, but a bigger part of me wants to learn everything I can about it and DO something about it. It drives me to push myself toward more. 

It's been a busy week....in the span of 4 days, I worked over 40 hours babysitting - although, most of the time, it didn't feel like work, since these kids are awesome. I got to spend time at the pool with them, got tan/burned, went to Sugarland, one of my favorite places here in Chapel Hill, went to Starbucks with them, and had many domestic adventures, to say the least. But I came home every night, exhausted and worn out. And I'm trying to put together my schedule, but it's incredibly frustrating. And the financial aid stuff is stressing me out......I had somewhat of an internal breakdown the other day, because I thought, what in G-d's name am I doing? Can I really do this? Really? Is this all a big mistake??? And you know what, I'm terrified. I miss NY, I miss working at MSKCC, I'm scared of these science classes.....but I know that if I don't at least give it my best shot, I will always wonder, what if....and I'm sick of wondering that. I'm sick of regretting things. As Wayne Gretzsky once said, you always miss 100% of the shots you DON'T take. This is a journey....one that I am not familiar with at all,  and one that will be challenging. I've never really truly had to work at schoolwork. But I will have to work my butt off for this. This stuff does not come easy to me. I haven't been challenged like this before, and I think it will be good for me. 

I'm reviewing books again for Elle magazine, yay! I just got a shipment from them for the year-end prize thing, but I'm reviewing books for their October issue, but haven't gotten those yet. I'm looking forward to it. 

This weekend will be filled with moving and packing. I HATE moving. Always have. I want to settle down somewhere......but probably won't for a while. 

I've been thinking a lot about last summer in Manhattan. As I was there, I knew that it was an amazing summer. I knew what a great opportunity it was. Heck, I still carry around my MSKCC lanyard in my bag for luck. I miss it every day. If offered a job there, would I take it? Possibly. I would really give it considerable thought. I loved every day there. Is it worth paying exorbitant amounts of money to live in NY? maybe, for a short time. I do love it there. 

I don't know. I've never had so many emotions and thoughts and things pulling me in so many directions before. I don't have any easy answers here....I don't have any answers, actually. Does this make me uneasy? Of course. Do I feel untethered and ungrounded? Yes. But I have to have faith that the universe is unfolding as it should.....I just have to have blind faith, I think. 

what am I thinking?

I spent over an hour and a half trying to come up with a good combination of classes for Fall semester that don't overlap....with no luck. Apparently, UNCG's system lets you register for classes that overlap - and so you're constantly flipping back and forth between screens, trying to accomodate classes and labs. It's a huge pain. I even called the registration help desk, and they treated me like I was a complete idiot. My fall schedule will be: Bio I, bio lab, Gen Chem I, chem lab, and Physics I, physics lab. If I can't even register correctly, how the heck am I going to manage these classes? I was highly stressed, so I decided to go to the gym. 

3 miles and a lot of sweat later, I'm still stressed, but I'm not holding so much of the stress in my body anymore, if that makes sense. But I was shampooing my hair and thought, what the hell am I doing??? On one hand, I'm calling myself out on something I've been talking about for years and years, and really putting myself to the test. On the other hand, I am challenging myself in a way I've never been challenged before. I've never really been scared of school......until now. What makes me think I can actually do this? My passion and drive and love for oncology won't get me an A in physics. Can I really do this? 

baby steps.

I'm not sure where to start. I guess I should start with the most exciting news......I will be going to UNC-Greensboro in the fall, for their premed post-bac program! I am ridiculously excited to be studying bio, organic chem, physics, and pre-calc (and that's just first semester!). That's sick. But the reactions I'm getting from most people are this: Finally! I've been talking about it and obsessing about medicine for so long, and reading medical textbooks for fun, that it's like, okay, good, you're finally going to do something with it. I was talking to a friend of mine, E, today, and he's actually a physician, and he said that I have wanted this more than he's ever wanted to be in medicine, and he has no doubt it will work out for me.....I hope he's right. Because I really do want this, with all my heart. I have wanted this since 2003, and found excuses and reasons not to do it every year.....there are a million reasons why I SHOULDN'T be doing this. But there's one reason why I should: Because my heart and soul are so invested in becoming a pediatric oncologist. How can I ignore that anymore? I don't want to regret any more decisions in my life. At the age of 28, I feel like I already have more regrets than I should. And that's going to stop. I'm finally taking the first step on a path I've been dreaming about for years, and that feels good. 

If MSKCC offered me a job, would I change my mind? I'm not sure. That would be an incredibly hard decision to make, and I would have to weigh everything very heavily -- it would most likely mean I would not pursue medicine, ever. It just wouldn't make sense. I'd be working at my dream job, but perhaps not doing exactly what I want to do. But can anyone really have it all, anyway? I don't know. 

I'm missing NY a little.....just remembering last summer. Muggy summer evenings on the Upper East Side, walking home eating Pinkberry, Starbucks runs, loving my work, still not quite believing I was interning at MSK. It's so hard to reconcile my love for NY and my love for Chapel Hill. Both places feel like home, in a way that no other places have. 

words matter.

I love music. I have memories of songs that have gotten me through every stage of my life -- my 8th grade trip to the Catskills, high school and the divorce of my parents, college, various life struggles, trips to Cape Cod and Ocean City, life in Manhattan, FL, and NC. Music calms me and speaks to me, and often, music expresses what I cannot. I love making mix cd's for people, and love introducing people to new music. I was listening to a mix I'd made for my pcp, and there's a song, "Lift Me Up", by Kate Voegle, on it that I love. Here are some of the lyrics. 

.....Even so, I had to believe

Impossible means nothing to me

Can you lift me up?

Turn the ashes into flames

And I have overcome

More than words can ever say.......

But everything that's worth having

Comes with trials worth withstanding...

It's just a really beautiful song. 

On a lighter note, I realized my old iPhone can be used as an iPod touch! I can get wifi on it, even though I don't have a phone plan on it! yay! I've been obsessed with the App Store, downloading all the free medical apps. I am such a geek. 

playing doctor.

How awesome is this shirt? Love it. Last night at dinner my friend R asked us what each of us were most excited about. And honestly, for the most part, anxiety overrides any of my excitement about the future. I'm not looking forward to much. Except for one thing. One thing that I don't talk about that often to people, because I don't want to seem flaky or indecisive or obnoxious. I'm excited about the possibility of maybe getting into UNCG and the post-bac program. I honestly get excited when I think about the opportunity to really dive into biology and put myself to the test of whether I really can fulfill my dream. I am eager to prove to everyone that I can do this, that it's not just me avoiding the "real world", or being flaky, or whatever. I have the rest of my life ahead of me to work -- I want to do something I enjoy. And if that comes with a large educational financial debt, so be it. That might be a small price to pay for my daily happiness for the next 60 years. I'm scared and nervous and excited and eager about this all at once. But to really surround myself with science and medicine? Amazing. I would love it. It reminds me of a quote one of my friends posted recently -- and ironically, she is training to be an oncologist. What would you do if you knew you could not fail? I think that's a pretty good barometer of what you really want to do. 

from the mouths of babes

The 4 year old I babysit said to me today, "Kids don't die." He had been telling me about his stuffed animals, about how Mr.Monkey doesn't have a Mrs.Monkey because she lost her stuffing and died, but he has his kids because "kids don't die." He said it so matter-of-factly that I was momentarily shaken by his innocent statement. Oh, if only it were that simple. Wouldn't it be nice if it were true? But to him, it must seem true, because he's 4, and doesn't know any better, obviously. He is lucky enough to not have hardship or loss touch his life yet. It's moments like these that I love nannying. The simple reminders of humanity, of love. 

a very expensive piece of paper.

I got my diploma in the mail today. I could care less. There, I said it. I felt nothing when I read it. No sense of accomplishment or pride. No happiness. I thought maybe I'd feel differently once I saw it. But no, unfortunately. It just brings back disappointment and bitterness and feelings of failure. And the nagging feeling that I'm just wasting years of my life. 

searching for my heart

A year ago tomorrow was my first day at MSKCC. I remember I was so nervous. It was wicked hot that day, and my heart was pounding so hard I thought it would explode out of my chest. I had been waiting for this for so long, and I was finally about to start my much-anticipated practicum at MSKCC. I was so intimidated by everyone there and how smart they were and how amazing the place is....I mean, for me, this was it. I mean, this was it. I had wanted this for 5 years, and here it was. And it didn't disappoint, I can tell you that. Jennifer, my attending, was (is) amazing, Rika and Dara were so much fun and brightened my day, Susan helped me even when I asked her a million questions, and everyone there was so willing to help and assist people and talk with you, even if you were a lowly intern. I met my idol, Jimmie Holland, and loved, loved, LOVED having an mskcc.org email address. Every day, coming out of the 96th st subway after my day at work, I'd be on the phone with my mom or dad, invariably telling them what an amazing day I had had. It was a lot of work, and I didn't want to let my supervisor down, and it was intimidating in the beginning, but it confirmed for me that I was in the right field, oncology. Cancer, day in and day out....and I loved it. I worked on the weekends, I read journal articles at night, I did lit searches after work.....and I honestly loved every minute of every day I was there. I miss it. So why is there such hesitance when I think about maybe returning there? 

And if I do get in to the post-bac at UNCG, can I really handle organic chem? And physics? And biology? When I think about it, I'm excited (I know, huge dork)....and I haven't been this excited since last summer. Especially after not really being proud of myself for the MPH, this new feeling renews my hope. It renews my purpose. It feels right. In my heart, science and medicine feels right. It has taken me a while to get here.....and to trust myself, my instincts, the voice inside my heart....but I'm here now. 

And isn't that what really counts?

ummmm

So much for not blogging about politics. I just went on Gawker, and apparently there's a video that was filmed in Israel and it asked American Jews and Israelis their thoughts on Obama and the whole situation. Some nasty things were said, some racist things were said....but also, I have to say, this is not a clear and accurate presentation of Jews. But some of the subsequent comments written by commenters show anti-semitism is alive and kicking here in the States.

I (heart) Orla Kiely

Okay, enough blogging about politics....back to cancer, finding a job, and overanalyzing my life. You know, the fun stuff. 

I'm realizing that I need to start packing my house up....like, for serious. I have no idea how I am going to move my bed and mattress. Granted, it's literally right up the street in my neighborhood, but still. Anyone wanna come help? And I have to get situated all over again. 

I'm sort of excited, though.....graduation weekend, my mom and my grandparents and I went to Target and got lots of Orla Kiely kitchenware. Then a few weeks ago, I went and got Orla Kiely placemats! yay! To say that I've been a little obsessed with her designs lately is a little bit of an understatement. 

                

Anyway......I had better get a job soon. I just had a bagel and a huge chocolate chip cookie for lunch. Not good. I feel like all I do is eat! Not to mention, I am seriously stressing about moving. Rent money, money to live, etc....if I get into the post-bac program I wont have any money until august....and I need money NOW. Hopefully I can get enough babysitting to hold me over. I am just one big ball of stress. Not good. But I did think of one thing that made me somewhat happy. If I do this post-bac program, and then apply to PA school, which is 2 years, it would take me the same amount of time as if I had done a PhD program starting this year. So maybe my life isn't going to hell in a handbasket. Maybe. 

a controversial and possibly alienating blog post.

You know, I try - I try - to stay out of politics now....I learned my lesson last year. But you know what, I can't do this anymore. Obama compared the "plight" of the Palestinians to that of the Holocaust. News flash: There are about six million differences why that's not true. He visits Buchenwald tomorrow, and hopefully things can be clarified for him. Though I'm not a fan of President Bush, I did like his Middle East policies. He said that the US would only engage Palestinian leaders not compromised by terror. Obama doesn't seem to agree with this. He seems to equate the moral standards of the Palestinians to those of Israelis. I'm sorry, but when was the last time you heard of an Israeli terrorist suicide bomber in the Palestinian territories? We (yes, I'm using we, I'm aware) don't strap dozens of nails to us and walk into a pizza place and blow ourselves up. We don't walk into a University cafeteria and set off a bomb that's on our vest. Rather than encouraging less settlements by Israelis, he should be encouraging the Arab world to denounce Hamas and terrorism. Maybe he should actually cross Egypt's borders and visit Israel and witness the clean-up of a suicide bomber attack. He'll see members of the Orthodox group ZAKA meticulously collecting body parts to ensure a proper Jewish burial for those killed. They also collect the body parts of non-Jews, so that their families can have a complete burial.  

Marc Thiessen, who is a former Bush speechwriter, even said this is a huge shift in US policy regarding Israel. And you know, Saturday marks 3 years since my first trip to Israel, and I'd return in a heartbeat. Yes, there is genocide all over the world, but nothing merits comparison to the Holocaust. People were shoved into gas chambers and killed, and their loved ones put their bodies in the incinerators. Those in concentration camps, when they were "lucky", used soap - but that soap was made from those who were killed. And the world watched. Since March 1933, the death camps were operating (Dachau opened then). The camp Theresienstadt, or Terezin, killed 15,000 children. And as late as 1944, the Red Cross visited the camp to see if it really was a "death camp", and the Nazis were able to fool them. And the world just watched, and read about it in the back pages of the papers. 

Where is all of this coming from?

As a Jewish woman who has had considerable religious education, I cannot adequately describe the feeling of walking through Yad V'Shem, or the DC Holocaust Museum, and having the thought, "This could have been me."  I cannot put words to looking at heaps and heaps of human hair, and glasses, and shoes, and wondering how many belonged to relatives of mine. The fact that half my family is Roman Catholic wouldn't have saved me back then. In fact, they'd probably be taken to the camps with me. I can't tell you the revulsion I felt at learning about Joseph Mengele, and imagining what my best friends' Bubbe went through at his hands when she was at Auschwitz. I grew up with the names Dachau, Auschwitz-Birkenau, Bergen-Belsen, Majdanek, Sobibor, Treblinka, among dozens of others. My kindergarten teacher showed us the numbers on her arm one day during naptime. On Yom Hashoa, we all wore golden yellow stars with "Jude" written on it, in rememberence. You don't forget these experiences, these lessons, even years and years later.  

I just had to get this off my chest. 

video.

My mom sent me this video. Heartbreaking.

tales from the 'hood...the nannyhood

The Juicy Couture Maclaren stroller....I think this may have bumped the Bugaboo as my favorite stroller....

As if my life weren't hectic and shifting enough now, the family I nannied for when I first came down here is moving. Like, moving to another state. I've known they were moving, but they leave next week! I will miss them terribly. I met them when S was pregnant with the twins, and L was almost 2. And then the twins were born 10 weeks early, and there was the 24/7 craziness of having the twins in the NICU, bringing one home, then the other one...and serendipitously, I was babysitting when each twin was brought home for the first time. Those were crazybusy days - the parents would be on the couches asleep in the living room with the twins when I got there in the morning, after being up till all hours. I don't know how they did it. And then L went through something like the "terrible 2s" and would spit food out, refuse to eat, and once, he even stabbed me in the leg with his fork. We spent many minutes sitting in time out. But then there was the night that the parents brought home a small vanilla cake and a bottle of pinot grigio for me at the end of last year, to celebrate the end of the year, not to mention the yummy PF Chang's dinner they had. I was so touched that S remembered I liked vanilla cake and white wine. This year, I wasn't able to babysit as much, because of research and school. But this family has always been in my thoughts and heart, and they will forever be entwined with me moving to Chapel Hill -- in a town where I knew no one, going to a "real home" as opposed to an apartment was a welcome respite. And the kids were always awesome. 

I've been lucky, in that respect -- I've always found really good families to work with. E and J in NJ were great, and I was actually their son's first ever babysitter! I would fall asleep on their comfy couch after putting H to bed when they would go out for dinner. M and J will always be in my life in some way, as well as their kids B and C...I have so many memories of being with them, and in many ways, they helped me get through that year. The family in my neighborhood is wonderful, and I love spending time with the kids, K and C. When I stay overnight, it doesn't even feel like work. And this new family I am babysitting for, the parents are really chill, very nice, and the kids are wonderful. The 4 year old says the funniest things - yesterday he asked me, "Are you a mom? Are you grown up?" As if the two were synonymous. Having car seats and booster seats in my car is not a novelty. It doesn't even faze me anymore. 

Of course, it's not always pink and blue and smiles and bubbles. Like today, for instance. It is HOT here right now. Like, in the 90s hot by noon. And the kids didn't really have much of a nap, so both were overtired, I think there's some sibling rivalry going on (at 10 months and 4 years), and the 4 year old fell and scraped his knee when we were playing outside. So after some damage control (cleaning the scrape and attaching a Spider-Man bandaid, then eating a Fudgsicle), we decided to stay indoors. And then the 4 year old hit the 10 month old....by the time the parents came home, I must have looked as worn out as I felt, because they joked about how I should go home and have a glass of wine. But kids will be kids, I guess. It happens. It reinforced to me just how hard taking care of kids really is. 

I am exhausted. That bottle - er, glass - of wine sounds really good right about now. 

not the most uplifting blog post

So. I have been nannying a bit, so I'm not completely destitute, but the pressure is definitely mounting. The HR lady from MSKCC called me today and said that the job posting hasn't been publicly posted yet, but when it is, they have my resume set aside and will call me to set up an interview. Well, that's super and all, but it doesn't help me right now. Nor does it really help in the immediate long-run, since I'd like to stay down here at least another year or two. 

I keep waiting for the feeling of happiness, or at least pride, to kick in, about my MPH, but it just isn't. I simply cannot muster up the enthusiasm. That's me, Debbie Downer, MPH. In many ways, I just kind of wish I could have a huge do-over. As in, go back to when I applied to undergrad as a pre-med, and actually follow that course. Right now, my life feels like a series of mistakes and regrets. Maybe I'm just having a bad day today, I don't know. I mean, in some ways, I am able to see where the path, though not linear, has stayed in the general course of medicine/healthcare/oncology, but mostly, I feel like I haven't done anything useful with my life so far. I hate feeling this way. Aaron Beck would have me do cognitive reframing, but I think I'm gonna need a lot more than that to climb this summit.