strong in the broken places.

Things have been busy. I got the part-time job I interviewed for at the UNC School of Nursing; I start next Tuesday. It's a research job working on a study of survivors of acute childhood leukemia. I think it's a great opportunity and I'm really looking forward to starting it. I need something I'm passionate about right now.

I started 2 classes - I'm not in an academic program, but I am a part-time student taking prereq's that an accelerated BSN would need. Right now, I'm not even sure my brain works this way. It's just that all the health educator jobs I saw, wanted a NURSE health educator. Didn't matter that I had my MPH; they wanted a clinical degree. I was pretty discouraged. I still look at PhD programs in health psych and public health, but not sure what path will get me to what I want to do. Which is work in oncology, doing patient advocacy and education, and psychosocial oncology research. There are just hurdles, like to do original research, in most institutions, you need a doctorate. Even lots of research jobs I saw at UNC needed a PhD. Frustrating. I think more experience working on research will help me, and these classes will let me know if my brain works in a scientific way. The PhD program at UNC that I had applied to last year seemed to incorporate it all; we all know how THAT turned out. And I didn't have the heart to apply again this year, because I hadn't done any research since then to boost my application, so I didn't think it would make a difference. If I continue to do research throughout this year, I might apply in December...but that's a long way away. Lots can change before then. I think my goal this year is to get research work experience, mainly. I guess I will reevaluate in July/August about reapplying.

The 2 classes I am taking are Anatomy & Physiology, and Medical Microbiology. They are kicking my butt. My brain is on overload. I like the material, but I've never struggled in school like this before. I never studied much before, ever. Now I'm studying for hours each day. Science requires a whole new way of thinking; the homework isn't analytical or asking how I *feel* about anything -- it's very black and white, definite right and wrong answers, and enormous amounts of information. It's like trying to take a sip of water from a firehose. I've been studying every spare minute of the day, but not sure if I'm retaining anything. We'll see, either way, I guess. I've just never felt so inept at school in my life. For someone whose identity is wrapped largely in her academic ability and achievements, this is a bitter pill to swallow.

So, we'll see. I'm just looking forward to my job, which will place me in an area I am comfortable with and knowledgeable about - pediatric cancer. It is familiar, and a passion of mine, so I think I will be okay with that.

"The world breaks everyone, and afterwards, many are strong in the broken places." - Ernest Hemingway

there's no place like home....

The Old Well at UNC

Much of the time, I find myself missing New York. More specifically, Manhattan. I lived there twice; once on the Upper West Side when I went to Columbia for a year, and once on the Upper East Side, when I interned at MSKCC. I consider New York to be one of my homes...it is one of the few places where it immediately, instinctually felt like home the minute I arrived. Whenever the "homesickness" gets to be too much, I find myself reading the NY travel guides I have. Despite having lived in North Carolina for over 2 years, I still subscribe to New York magazine and regularly buy Time Out New York, when I can find it. No cupcakes here will ever live up to Buttercup Bake Shop or Crumbs, no bagel here will be half as good as H&H, and don't even think about giving me a black and white that isn't from the city.

Though not a native New Yorker, I am definitely a Northerner, born and bred. I walk fast, talk fast, can be an aggressive driver, and often find myself (unfortunately) short on patience. So how on earth did I find myself making Chapel Hill my home? When I applied to grad schools, I mostly applied to Northern schools, with GW and UNC being the exceptions. Oh yeah, and Emory. I was headed to GW when I got the acceptance to UNC, and found myself south-bound, not quite sure what to expect. The friendliness was disarming at first, and the unspoken social rules hard to decipher. The fact that many people don't lock their house doors until they go to bed at night blew my mind. I'd never been to a school the size of UNC before, and never lived in a college town like Chapel Hill. When I first got here, I liked it, but was pretty sure I would move back North when I graduated.

Long story short, over the 2 years of my MPH program, I found myself liking the slower pace here, liking the friendliness, LOVING the affordability, and feeling...well....feeling like I could adopt this town as a home. Graduation came, and I knew I would stay in the South, unless a dream job in NY opened up - and even then, it would have been a tough decision.

Chapel Hill is often called "the Southern part of Heaven", and I can see why. I love my neighborhood, which is a New Urbanist neighborhood (although some people think it's too Stepford-esque), I feel safe here, and there's a quaintness to the town that I can't fully place. When I first got a Chapel Hill address, I loved the fact that I could write "Chapel Hill" - it had been a place I'd heard of over and over, with Tar Heel sports, but actually living there was something different. Although I read NY Magazine, I also find myself regularly reading Chapel Hill Magazine. Over the past 2 and a half years, I have made this town my home. I have found favorite restaurants, cupcake haunts, and people who remember me at coffee shops. Though I miss my family often, I know they are a short plane ride away. Last summer I had the opportunity to show both my mom and my grandparents, and my dad, around Chapel Hill and where I have lived, and yet nothing I showed them could adequately portray why I like it here so much. I can never fully explain to people up North the intensity of the UNC-Duke rivalry. Or why, when basketball season rolls around, I suddenly turn into a sports fan. (although the fact that my other fave team, UMiami, is also in the ACC, sometimes poses a problem).

My driver's license, registration, voting record, and in-state tuition status all point to the fact that I am a bona-fide North Carolinian. Am I a Tar Heel born and bred? No, not exactly. But right now, I am a Tar Heel, and that's good enough for me. In fact, I just found this article written by - of all things - a native New Yorker who goes to UNC. She describes many of the same sentiments.

Maybe my sweet nephew will become a Tar Heel - he already loves Ramses the ram!