what does regret cost?

So. It's been a week since I was accepted to Columbia. I'm stiiiiiill waiting on UNC and The New School, although I'm not holding out hope. I don't know if I will go to Columbia. I am trying to weigh whether the debt will be worth it, if the internship experiences and connections there will help me get a job and experience, and what they can do for me as a writer. But is that worth adding six figures to my existing graduate school loans? I have been physically sick for a week, trying to figure this all out.

Let me explain this, since many people don't know. Writing programs are not easy stuff. Statistically, it is harder to get into an MFA program than medical school, considering the number of people applying and the actual spots available. There are many people in the Facebook group I'm in who did not get in anywhere, and they applied to 8, 9, 14 programs. Some of them, this is their second time around. I'm not trying to be obnoxious by quoting that, but too many people assume writing is an easy field that anyone can get an MFA in. Nope. It - like any other field - is work. It may not carry the prestige of medicine or law, but it is hard work.

Not many people know this, but back in 2006, when I was applying for PhD programs in psychology, on a whim, I applied to Columbia's MFA. Deep down inside, even then, I wanted to do this, but didn't think people would be too happy if I pursued it. So I applied and didn't tell anyone. Needless to say, I was rejected - which only makes this acceptance that much better. (I know, I am cringing slightly inside when I think about how maybe I should have just tried again the following year.....but then I wouldn't have moved to NC or worked at MSKCC, so maybe things worked out like they were supposed to).

Back in December, I posted that I wanted to make decisions in my thirties based on love and hope, rather than fear. I am afraid that if I don't take this once-in-a-lifetime chance, I am making that choice based on fear, and not hope. I am afraid I will regret it forever. At least with medicine/nursing, I can say, hey, I don't regret this, because I tried. I tried my hardest to succeed in classes, and it wasn't for me. I just couldn't do it. But at least I know. And I have no regrets. I wanted to embrace my thirties with abundance and authenticity - and this chance has presented itself. A chance to pursue what I love - and what I am truly, really good at - for two years. It can be hard sometimes to find what you are good at, and I am finally finding it; I'm finally accepting where I excel. That feeling, after feeling like you're okay at lots of stuff, but not really GREAT at anything, is wonderful. To learn to be an even better writer, intern at publishing houses and make connections and friends. What is this all worth? Is my regret worth 100k? If I don't go to NY, will that lingering regret cost me much, much more?

I know that if I go, there is no guarantee that I will publish books like Lionel Shriver, Kiran Desai or the authors of Freakonomics - all Columbia MFA grads. I know I do not need an MFA to be a writer. Dave Eggers, Jonathan Safran Foer and Nicole Kraus all do not have MFA's. I do need one, however, if I want to teach, since it's the terminal degree.

But do I give myself the chance anyway?