fear of flying.

The decision-making is still going on. My stomach is upset pretty much 24/7. I even have dreams about NY and writing and nonfiction workshops. I talked with another nonfiction graduate who had her book published - and optioned for tv/movie - and she was a huge help. Everyone I have spoken to has raved about the program and vouched for the helpfulness of the professors. It is an academically rigorous program - twice the credits of most others - which makes me a bit nervous, but also reassures me that students get their money's worth. It is intimidating, for sure. I've never taken a writing class, never taken a workshop, and haven't taken an English class since undergrad.

I've been reading books by professors and graduates of the program, and I have to say, much of the time, I am blown away. My heart actually beats faster when I think about being in a class with one of these professors. That sounds crazy, but it's true. Is that a sign that this is the right place, that this is where I am supposed to be? If someone has a talent, wouldn't it be the most appropriate thing to have them go somewhere where it will be nurtured, honed and developed? And shouldn't that person go to the best possible place they can, to take their gift to the maximum it can be?

In December, on my birthday post, I said that I felt 2011 would be a year of blossoming. If I don't take this opportunity, would I be opting to instead remain closed tight in a bud? Choosing the familiar option, instead of the thrillingly new option that could potentially take me to new levels? The below quote is one of my favorites, by Marianne Williamson. Is this anxiety just my fear about taking a risk and possibly succeeding?? Failure is scary, but success can be equally scary, especially if it is more than we ever thought possible. I've explained my Columbia acceptance away time and time again - they take 25 nonfiction people, which is a big class; they just want tuition money; my writing isn't really that good - instead of really thinking, hmmm. The admissions committee saw something in me. They believe in me enough to offer me this spot. And by no means am I thinking I am all that. But would it kill me to believe in myself a little more and open myself up to the fact that maybe this huge risk (financial and otherwise) will pay off exponentially?

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."