reasoning with faith.

The last post was depressing, I know. Things happen every day that remind me of how wonderful life is and that I have faith for a reason. I am so lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life, as friends, family, chosen family, acquired family....it is the people in life that make life worth living.

I am a big proponent in believing that things happen for a reason. We may not always know the reason immediately - or even, really, ever -- but I can't help but think there's a reason behind the chaos. Where the reason comes from, I'm not entirely sure. But I think it's there.

searching for something.

You know, I learned a long time ago life isn't fair. I learned bad things happen to good people, that kids die and people get sick for no reason and we don't always get the news we want. I've read Kushner's book When Bad Things Happen to Good People, and I know that G-d can't control everything and how prayer is meant to help and comfort us. But you know what? I want to know where the miracles are. I want to know where G-d is sometimes. My aunt died Jan 1. G-d had nothing to do with that; it was cancer. I get that. My Nana has Alzheimer's. I get that G-d didn't cause the plaques in her brain. But my cousin Jerry died today after a massive heart attack. He has a young son. (Well, he's in his early 20s). A month and a half after a funeral, we have another one. Two months ago yesterday we were celebrating Christmas. And now two family members are dead. I just don't get it.

Don't get me wrong - I still have 3 living grandparents, 2 of whom are in wonderful health. I have two healthy parents. I am grateful. I have a wonderful brother and a fantabulous nephew. I have my health. I am comfortable and have many privileges. I am aware of all this. But that does not negate the hurt I am feeling, nor the anger.

We needed a miracle today. My other cousin Michael (whose mom died in Jan) really believed Jerry would be okay. He really believed things would work out, because "they can't get much worse." But they did. We didn't get our miracle. Where was G-d today?

it's in the genes.

So...I went to the student health center here for my foot the other day, and it was less than ideal. Mainly because the doctor was more concerned with the computer and everything else except for the patient. I think the actual physical exam was less than 5 minutes. Which was especially disappointing because he was a DO. I understand that he's not a specialist and that I needed a referral for an orthopedic doc - but that doesn't mean you don't give your patient your attention and basic respect and consideration.

And of course, they had to get my family health history - although we fill out all those forms before getting here - don't they enter all that info into the computers? Shouldn't it already be there? Anyway. He asked about family members and cancer....and I told him about my grandfather's lung cancer, my grandmother's breast cancer and my aunt's ovarian cancer. And that's when he finally looked at me and was like, breast and ovarian cancer? I said yes, and then he asked if they were on the same side of the family, and I said no, and explained the situation. And granted, this is probably projection, especially since my aunt's experience is still so fresh, but I swear I could practically see the thought bubble over his head that said, oh man, girl, you are FUCKED. Yes. I know this is projection. But having worked in the ob/gyn field and oncology field, I know that my family history is not ideal. Especially since I am an Ashkenazi Jew. But, we do not have a BRCA mutation that we know of, and the diseases were on opposite sides of the family, including the Roman Catholic side. But still. It's a little hard not to worry, because it just doesn't sound good when you tell it to a health professional. Less than a month and half after my aunt's death, that horrific experience is still being replayed in my mind's eye, and I will do anything I can not to be in a similar situation. So how do people do this? How do those with breast and ovarian cancer in their families not think about it and obsess over it? Regular screenings, taking care of yourself, and maybe even preventative surgeries. But it's a lot to think about.

I feel like I'm getting to an age where I'm suddenly not "too young" for things anymore. I mean, Jesus - in 4 years I will be "advanced maternal age" when I get pregnant (which is total bullshit, but whatever - how come they don't call teens and immature 20somethings who get pregnant "too young to know what you're doing age"?), and in less than 10 years I will start getting mammograms. Being a Type-A personality, working in the field and watching numerous friends and family members deal with cancer would make anyone a little anxious.