retail therapy.

I don't know why I've been blogging/posting so much lately. Probably because I need to procrastinate. We're all a little manic right now, as evidenced by tonight's writing workshop and subsequent dinner/drinks with the professor. (In which I had two margaritas....I hate tequila, so my solution is just to gulp. Brilliant, right?). Workshop was filled with tangential conversations and uncontrollable fits of giggling, along with over-caffeinated, overtired, under-rested stressing over papers and work. I think once everything of mine is turned in, and all my conferences are over, I just want to curl up with my UNC fleece blanket and sleep for a week. And then go to Nellie's party that she's throwing for our class. And then I have to figure out my summer. Did you know ONE in TWO current or recent graduates is unemployed or underemployed? This little nugget of information came across my Twitter feed this morning.....makes me feel VERY reassured that I am getting that oh-so-important MFA, right? I comfort myself with the thought that at least I will be doing something I love, and combining all my experiences together to make something good. Surely that must count for something, right?.....right? I'm not sure Sallie Mae, Citibank and Nelnet would agree, though. They kind of like their monthly payments. In cash, not smiles and happiness.

ANYWAY. My point to posting? I love monograms. When I lived in NC, I was in heaven, because if there's anything Southern preppies love, it's monograms. (And Top-Siders. And unironic popped collars. And Jack Rogers.). Hell, people monogrammed their cars. Which is a little much for me. I'll stick with my LL Bean totes and the occasional oxford, thanks. But I have a weakness for monogrammed jewelry, and apparently it's become popular. (Which I didn't know when I ordered my necklace at the end of December, but now they're popping up on blogs everywhere). In my procrastination, I often stumble across fun websites. Moon and Lola make really cute monogrammed necklaces, and they're from North Carolina, which makes me want to like them, but my pink necklace broke. I have to say, they replaced it for free, although now the chain isn't right - but they want me to send it back and are very considerate and want to make things right. I also found BaubleBar, and they have necklaces that are a little bit less expensive than M&L. And, they have metal monogram pendants that are cheaper....and in rose gold. I am a sucker for rose gold. I am eyeing this piece for my birthday.....even though my birthday is in December. And if you sign up for emails, you get $10 off your order. I think this could be a great "you had a great first year of art school" present, too, don't you think? ;)

Also, in honor of my first year of art school almost being over, I'd like to return to something I posted at the beginning of the year. Sadly, life at Dodge Hall is not like this, but even now, sitting outside at a table, writing, I wonder what would happen if students spontaneously started singing and dancing on the steps. I would die. OF HAPPINESS. 

I'd also like to mention the passing of Adrienne Rich, the poet. She died late last month, and it truly was the end of an era. I remember she came to Muhlenberg one year, and I went to see her. Her poetry is beautiful, as is her prose, especially "Of Woman Born," a book about womanhood and motherhood. My favorite poem of hers is "Diving into the Wreck," and it may be one of her best known poems. Here are some lines from it:
I came to explore the wreck.
The words are purposes. 
The words are maps. 
I came to see the damage that was done
and the treasures that prevail. 


the thing I came for:
the wreck and not the story of the wreck
the thing itself and not the myth
the drowned face always staring 
toward the sun
the evidence of damage
worn by salt and sway into this threadbare beauty

dating: another word for hell.

Ah, yes. Online dating. Never fails to take my faith in humanity down a notch or two. Today I got a message from a guy that said, "Nice body, babe." Disgusted, I looked at his profile, and on it, he said that "we all know women are shallow and superficial" and they only care about looks, so why bother pretending? (Oh, and apparently, he's got the looks). This is who is attracted to me. I sent him a concise email explaining that mature women with more than a brain cell or two generally appreciate a different kind of initial email. And then I blocked him. sigh. I am thinking I should just put this on any future dating profile:

“Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilightseries.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.”

(taken from http://themonicabird.com/post/3273155431/date-a-girl-who-reads-date-a-girl-who-spends-her)

last year.

Yesterday marked a year since my car accident. I think that was the scariest day of my life. I was sitting at a stoplight, on the phone with my dad, when suddenly a car plowed into the back of my Jeep at 45 mph, pushing me into the car in front of me. He never stopped. Turns out he had had cataract surgery the day before and just wasn't paying attention to driving. I don't remember my face hitting the wheel (yes, I was wearing my seatbelt), but I do remember my BlackBerry flying out of my hand and screaming. My poor dad had no idea what was going on. He thought I was getting carjacked. The phone had slid under the passenger seat, and a Good Samaritan helped me out of my car. My nose was bleeding, my shins were already starting to bruise, were cut and sore, my whole body was shaking from shock.....I realized I needed to find my phone, and told my dad what had happened, then I called my mom and my brother. I think I was crying - but I remember very clearly thinking, shit. I cannot afford this right now. My car was so smashed up that it had to be towed, and the policeman took me to the hospital ER. We found my license plate bent in half under another car - the impact had ripped it right off. Long story short, I had no concussion, my shins were nicely bruised, I needed an MRI to see if my calf muscle had been torn because I was in so much pain, and I wound up with a bruise the entire length of my calf that took weeks to go away. I still have an indentation on my calf muscle that might take even longer to fade. Of course I made the requisite jokes that I felt like I got hit by a truck, which no one but me found funny.

I still sit at stoplights and make sure the person behind me is slowing down. For weeks afterward, in my rental car, I'd panic at stoplights. I hated driving. Unlike the accident in FL, when I *saw* the guy 2 cars behind me not slow down and braced myself for the impact, I was totally caught off guard with this one, and it was terrifying. I shudder to think what if I'd had my nephew or the kids I nannied in the car with me. Thank G-d for small miracles, I guess.

Months later, my nephew said to me, "were you bleeding, JJ?" I asked him what he meant, and he said, "When that car hit your car, were you bleeding?" This kid remembered my accident. The night of my accident, he had called me and told me he hoped I felt better, and that did wonders to ease my bodily pains. (well, that, and the pain meds I got).

I woke up yesterday thankful that it hadn't been worse, and so grateful for the past year. So many times we don't realize what we have until later. I know it could have been worse. If I'd been in a different car, if he'd been going even faster, if I hadn't been the only one in the car.....there but for the grace of G-d go I.

five years is a lifetime.

Trey is 5!

First time holding him.

So, today was Trey's fifth birthday. So much has happened in the last five years, it's crazy to think about it. I remember that day as if it were yesterday. I'd spent the whole previous night in the hospital waiting room, going for coffee and Red Bull runs with my brother. I went home around 8am to catch some sleep, and about an hour or two later, my brother called and told me to come back to the hospital. And eventually, from the waiting room, I saw my brother walking down the hallway with a doctor, who was pushing a little plastic incubator/isolette thing. We all crowded around it and I remember looking at this tiny baby with squinty eyes. Newborns kind of all look alike...I feel like it takes a day or two for their features to settle in or something. But regardless, I fell in love hard-core. Instinctively, I felt this need to protect. Protect this little being I had known for less than five minutes. I've always felt maternal toward kids, but this feeling was different. This was almost animalistic instinct. And just like that, I was an aunt. I was an aunt. It was so odd to think about, me being an aunt at 26. Now, five years later, it's odd to think I am the only aunt in the family now.

The next day, at work, I got a phone call from UNC, telling me I was off the wait list and did I want to come there, and of course I said yes. After work I went next door to the hospital and held my nephew for the first time, telling him I would make him a little Tar Heel. Holding him was....a turning point for me. I know it sounds cheesy and trite, but it's true. I know babies can't see/focus at first, but believe me when I tell you this little kid actually looked like he was observing us all and taking us in. He was so small - 6lb, 11oz and 20.5 inches long - and he fit into the crook of my arm perfectly.

As the months went by, before I left for North Carolina, I actually got to take care of my nephew a lot. My brother and his girlfriend still went out with their friends a lot and I'd have my nephew several times a week, sometimes overnight on the weekends. He slept in his bassinet basket on the floor next to my bed, and I'd wake up at night just to watch him sleep, or to rest my hand on his chest to make sure he was still breathing. I'd wake up and feed him when he cried. He would laugh out loud in his sleep, I swear to G-d. I learned what songs soothed him and the perfect angle at which to feed him, to minimize the spit up that would happen. To this day, he still falls asleep when I play "Baby Mine" on my iPod, and still loves Sheryl Crow's version of "Sweet Child O'Mine." When he was a baby and I'd be driving in my Jeep, if he would fuss, I'd put that song on and sing along, and he'd quiet down. It was the funniest thing.

But I never could have imagined the extent to which he'd change our lives. Do we ever, with children?

And now, five years later, I'm out of North Carolina, back in New York, at Columbia, and Trey is getting ready to start kindergarten in the fall. He named me Aunt JJ (he couldn't say "Jaime", so he said "JJ"), he has a way with animals, and he can be wise beyond his years sometimes. When my brother told the family he and his girlfriend were expecting, my family was upset, to be honest. But sometimes things have a way of working out for the best. This certainly did, and I wouldn't change a thing.

In other news, in two weeks, my classes will be over. And my first year will be done. I remember when I got in, my friend Natalie (also an MFAer, in fiction) joked that MFA stands for More F*cking Around. Yeah, well, this year was no joke. And this semester in particular. Definitely not a slacker time. So I like to think of MFA as something else: MotherF*cking Awesome. As in, that's what I'll be when I snag my book deal.

Trey's 5th Birthday Letter.

Five years ago today was the Virginia Tech massacre. I remember it as if it were yesterday. I was working at the doctor's office, waiting to hear about admission to UNC, and it was snowing, oddly enough. My brother's girlfriend was starting to have contractions, and I got my tax refund that day. Funny, the things we remember. Five years ago today was the last day of my life without my sweet nephew. Once he was born, I became Aunt JJ. It's like I was programmed to protect him. I wonder if that's what it's like when you become a parent, that immediate, inborn instinct to care for and protect.

Every year since he turned one, I have been writing him letters on his birthday. One day, when he is old enough, I hope to bind them and give them to him in a book. Here is this year's.

Dear Trey,

It is so hard to believe that you are already five years old. You have brought a lifetime of joy, love, smiles and laughter to so many in the past five years -- it is hard to remember life without you.

Five years ago, you showed me what love can do. You expanded my heart and reminded me what pure joy felt like. And you continue to do so more and more every day.

You are an observant, sensitive, smart little boy, and sometimes I want to scoop you up and keep you in a bubble to protect you from pain and hurt. That's not possible, so I love and protect you as best I can, along with everyone else who adores you - and there are plenty of us. I watch you write your name or trace numbers, and you are so focused on doing well that it makes me so proud of you. I am always proud of you, and always will be - your tenacity is striking, even at such a young age. I will always be proud of the person you are, with your kind heart and caring soul.

When you tell me, "JJ, I love Barnes and Nobles, do YOU love Barnes and Nobles?", it makes me laugh, because I am so happy to share my love of books and games with you. I love our times there together and I look forward to many, many more years of going there with you.

I am not your mother, but right now, you are the closest thing I have to a child of my own, and being your aunt is a role I am honored to fill. I ache when you are upset or when you cry, and I would lay down my life in a second to save yours, without question. You have shown me the kind of person I am and the kind of mother I will be, and that means everything to me.

You see magic in the most mundane things, and your simple happiness at climbing trees or chasing butterflies makes my heart light. As you grow up, I find myself wanting time to slow down or even stop, so I can spend as much time as possible with you. I am so happy I was able to be there for your birthday this year, and to see your first t-ball game. I know you are shy sometimes, and are easily overwhelmed. It's okay, that's how I was too - even now, I can be really shy. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about that. You take your time getting to know people, and you stay true to yourself and your interests. Keep trying new things, and if one thing doesn't work out, there's lots of other things to try. Your nurturing personality and love for animals is touching, and I wonder if you will become a veterinarian. You will be able to do anything you put your mind to, of this I am certain. Never doubt yourself or the support and love you have from others, and know that we are always here for you.

Every year, I am grateful that I became your aunt. We are lucky to have you.

Love you, boo.

Aunt JJ

update.

So. There are only about 3 weeks left of my first year in art school. Wow. What a year it has been. Do I still miss NC? Yup, every day, without fail. NYC drives me insane and many days I have to force myself to leave my apartment, just because I don't want to deal with the city. And it is draining me of money. But the program has been wonderful, and I am so glad I decided to come. I have made great friends, learned from super smart professors, and learned more about myself than I thought I would. I'm exhausted and drained and stressed, but I am loving what I am learning and doing.

Speaking of being exhausted and drained and stressed.....for the past 4 days I have been gluten-free. For weeks now I've had serious GI issues, been uber-exhausted, had headaches and generally just been blah. But I've been exhausted for a while, and finally I was sick of running to the bathroom (sorry for TMI), and I decided to try being gluten-free. My dad was diagnosed with Celiac disease about 2 years ago, and gluten-intolerance can be hereditary. So here I am. I have been daydreaming about huge bowls of pasta and cheesy, thick-crusted pizza. This morning at Magnolia Bakery I was so tempted, and when I asked if they had any gluten free stuff, at first I was told they did not. I must have looked incredibly forlorn, because about 5 minutes later, a baker came out to the table I was at and said they were making some flourless cakes, if I was going to be there for a while. Yay! That was a moment for me, though - even though those cupcakes were calling my name - loudly - I wasn't going to break the gluten-free diet. That made me feel good, knowing that I was committed to helping me feel better. I do feel like my body is going through some sort of detox, though. I've been eating lots of fruit, much of the Indian food I have is gluten free, so the Vegetable Korma, Kerala Veggies and Tandoori Rice are all okay. I picked up gluten-free pasta and corn chips and popcorn. It's going to be difficult at first.

Anyway.....that's about it. These last few weeks are going to be busy with school, trying to find a subletter for my apt for the summer, and figuring out my summer plans. sigh.