Grief and Hope

Someone emailed me over the summer with the words Grief and hope are not mutually exclusive, Jaime...and I've tried to keep that in mind. She said it doesn't make sense if you approach it "logically"; it's something that you have to approach from the heart. Which can be hard for me, since I like things to have reasons and explanations and clear boundries and paths. What does the coexistence of grief and hope look like? I've been trying to figure that out. Does it look like the woman who knows there is a good chance this might be her last Thanksgiving, but still pushes ahead for treatments? Does it look like the girl who is holding out hope for a miracle, but with her oncology knowledge, knows that's not going to happen and it pains her to watch? Or does it look like the man who stands silently to the side, waiting for the right moment to lay it all out on the table for her knowledge? I think we all know what grief looks like; the crying oneself to sleep, or crying in the shower, the anger and fury that comes out as a response to a seemingly random diagnosis or outcome. We are all familiar with that dazed feeling of how did I get here? was it only yesterday the world was normal? But that was yesterday, and after today, nothing is ever the same.

I am going up North tomorrow for Thanksgiving, and my bags are full of hope and grief. This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for my family that I have right now, the fact that I have three grandparents, two parents, an aunt, 3 cousins, a brother and a nephew. I am thankful they are all alive here to celebrate with me this year. I am going to concentrate on living in the moment, because that's all we have right now - that's all anyone has, really. But Stage IV cancer has that nasty habit of bringing things to the surface, and this fact is no different.

I really, really hate Stage IV cancer.

cupcakes and life lessons

This is actually the inside of Bliss Bakery!

I went to a new cupcake place last week - Bliss - and now I think I'm obsessed. Their cupcakes are yummy, and their coffee is amazing...it's French press, and so good. The first time I went with the kids I babysit, I had a Red Velvet cupcake, which is daring for me, since I'm usually a vanilla cupcake with vanilla icing girl (which is the cupcake I got on saturday with Miriam). I'm lusting after this HUGE cupcake you can buy that feeds 12-15 people....it's $45, and I think it would be WONDERFUL for a birthday. Not that I know anyone with a birthday soon.....but Bliss's cupcakes are sweet without being saccharine (like Sugarland), and light. You don't feel heavy after eating them. Which makes them very, very dangerous. Of course, do I miss Crumbs and Buttercup Bake Shop, but short of getting on a plane for a cupcake run to Manhattan, Bliss will do quite nicely. 2 years ago, my then-roommate, Sonja, had gone to Manhattan for the week, and just happened to come back to NC on my birthday. She brought me back cupcakes from Magnolia Bakery for a birthday gift! I was so surprised...I mean, to carry them on the plane and everything? That was, by far, one of the best birthday surprises I have ever had.

I was reading blog entries from last year...G-d, I was so optimistic about doctoral programs. Things seemed to be falling into place. And somehow, I went from there to here. A place where nothing is certain, I'm not sure which way to go, and I don't have a set plan right now; no trajectory. This is not where I wanted to be, and I am trying to do everything I can to change this. It's a rough and rocky road right now, and I'm just trying to clear the path enough for me to squeeze by, if that makes sense. I know that I want to do research, work in oncology, and also work with patients - doing patient education and advocacy, counseling....somehow, a mix of all that. I'm looking at two possible avenues, but I'm not writing about them until January, because I don't want to jinx anything. Superstitious, yes. But I don't care.

reason #456 I love Chapel Hill

Tonight I witnessed something so small but so heartening. It was like "paying it forward", in person. Walking up to the store, a woman held the door for me, even though I was far away when she looked back. Then I held the door for another woman, who was far away, and she held the door for a man who was far away. It was something so so so small, but it was nice to see. That's what I love about Chapel Hill.

Reading: Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell

Listening: "Smooth Criminal" by Michael Jackson, "On Nature" by Matisyahu

november!

wow, I haven't written in a while. Things have been busy with babysitting, writing, trying to find a job....and I went up north to NJ last week, and just got back to Carolina today. It was a good visit, and my time with my nephew was great. He has such unbridled joy with life, and when he's not being cranky or mischievious, he's actually very fun. He says the funniest things - I needed to put him to bed, and he kept saying "stay up, stay up"....where he learned that, I don't know. He cracks me up.

I don't have much to write, unfortunately, because there are so many things in my head with what I want to do, jobs I am applying for, decisions to make about future plans.....and no one wants to read all that stuff. So I overanalyze and obsess and talk myself in and out of various options again and again and again.

I did see the Michael Jackson movie "This Is It" last night (wow, it seems so much longer ago), and it was really really good - I don't know what I was expecting, but it was better than anything I was thinking of. I don't think I stopped bouncing along to the music the entire time. And knowing the outcome makes it slightly odd to watch, but ultimately...it's a good movie.