(dis)Orientation

So. The first two days of the MFA program are done. These 2 days were orientation; yesterday was the Writing Program orientation, and today was a School of the Arts-wide orientation. Yesterday, I met my cohort, all of whom seem really nice. There's about 22 or 23 CNFers. The professors all seem warm, engaging, approchable, and like they really want to help us. I can't describe it, but it's something you can feel when you're in the department. It was kind of amazing, sitting in Low Library, with most of the professors sitting in front of you, each one getting up and telling you what they did on their summer vacations. It was like, oh yeah, that's Sam Lipsyte. Read his book this summer. Oh, look, Stacey D'Erasmo. Read one of her books too. Oh, hi, Lauren Grodstein. Yup, read yours as well. Oh, Rivka Galchen, one of the New Yorker's 20 Under 40. Hello there. It was just amazing. Blew my mind. But they were all real people. They admitted to not having written over the summer, or admitted that they wrote shitty pieces over the summer, and knew it. It was refreshing to hear.

I have to be honest, I wasn't giddy with excitement beforehand. Grad school kind of loses its novelty after the first time around. But afterwards, I was excited. I felt like....I was doing what I was born to do, as crazy as that might sound. It's different than the feeling of doing something you like, or even love. It's unexplainable. At least right now.

Today, at the SoA orientation, they really emphasized getting to know each other across disciplines, because this will help us network in the future. Actors need directors who need producers who need writers, and so forth. They really, really emphasized the connections piece. And expressed that they were committed to helping us all succeed at making a living in the arts.

It's been an overwhelming 2 days. I'm exhausted. I got my books, and I will be reading 3 books a week, plus whatever I have to read for workshop. Thinking about that is kind of crazy. How will I find the time to do this?

I still am not in love with NY. It's not winning me over, not by far. I miss Chapel Hill so much, I miss NC. I miss my coworkers. I don't like feeling hyped up all the time like I am here. I don't like the noise and the brusqueness and the sensory over-stimulation. It's all too much. Going outside and getting out of my apartment, even for a few hours, knocks me over with its intensity, and I feel like I have to recharge and stay at home, in silence, reading or writing. Maybe I just need to adjust more. But I don't like the lack of community I feel here. I'm not talking about Columbia - there is a strong feeling of community at SoA, in my opinion - I'm talking about NY. Maybe this will change as 9/11 gets closer, but it's a completely different feeling here. The lack of connection irks me. People don't have time for it. We're all these bouncy balls, each of us our own sphere, just ricocheting off each other. With all the armor people wear up here, it's hard to truly touch another person.

Do I believe the program will be worth the money that I am taking out? Without a doubt. Yesterday showed me that. I have opportunities here that I don't think I would have anywhere else. Do I believe I made the right choice, deciding to go to Columbia? Yes. I am so incredibly grateful that I have this opportunity, and so thankful that I got here, despite my refusing multiple times. The opportunity to do nothing but read and write for the next 2 years blows my mind. It doesn't feel real.

I just need to find my place in NY, to find my routine and make my (temporary) home.