that's the way I've always heard it should be....

So. Up to this point, 2011 has not really been my year. And I think that's putting it lightly. This week alone, I found out that my new health insurance (which I got after being denied coverage from the insurance company I've had for most of my life) won't cover "pre-existing conditions" like BUNIONS (they're really reaching now....but I guess after 2 surgeries worth over $30k last year, they're not taking any chances) unless I prove I recently had other health insurance and then they MAY waive the 12 month wait on coverage for it; I didn't get the job I really wanted; and I am most likely not accepted to one of the MFA programs in NYC I really wanted to attend. I am really sad about the job. I really, really wanted it and KNOW that I would have been kick-ass at it. With my writing skills, passion for medicine and excellent research abilities, I would have been a superb employee. I would have loved my job and produced stellar work. I know this in my heart. But, as my old roommate texted me, "Don't let their loss be your loss." I can only assume that things happen for a reason, and this is just one piece in a larger puzzle. But damn if it didn't break my heart.

As for MFA and PhD programs.....I started the process late. I didn't apply to a ton of programs like they suggest, and I didn't really apply to fully funded ones. Given the chance, I would have done things little differently. Or maybe not. Nonfiction programs are far fewer than fiction and poetry. I still haven't sent in my Hopkins application for medical-science writing, since the admissions are rolling and I have some time. But maybe I should send it in? The rec letters are already there.

We know how things went back in 2009 with rejections. I mean.....it took me months to get it together after all that. And I didn't even go to my MPH graduation. I don't regret that, but it took me a long, long time to regain confidence in my intelligence and abilities. And I still don't think I'm as confident as I was before all that happened.

I am beginning to wonder if I am good at anything. I mean really, really good. I don't know if I'm great at anything. Right now, I am thinking that the only things I am really good at are writing and working out. And with the MFA/PhD programs, maybe I'm not as good at writing as I thought. As for working out, like my parents and I talked about last year, I could do the personal training thing. I have the ACSM (American College of Sports Medicine) study materials, but I just need the time to study and take the exam. It's an expensive exam, so I don't want to fail. And there are tons of training jobs here, and I could write at the same time. Plus, I would be able to wear sweats, yoga pants and sneakers to work. Good times, indeed.

The one thing I know without a doubt I am good at is mothering. Let me clarify that, since I obviously am not a mother yet. I am wonderful with kids. Infants, babies, toddlers, kids, pre-teens.....I can handle all ages. They love me. I swear. Nearly every child for which I've babysat, I have loved unconditionally. And the two I didn't were truly masochistic monsters, so they don't really count. They didn't have to be my children for me to truly love them, care for them and know that I would do anything for their well-being. Taking care of children is a lot of work - don't let anyone tell you otherwise - but for me, it has never felt like work. It is instinctual, something I don't have to think about or ever second-guess. Taking care of children is something that, in my heart, I don't think I am good at -- I know I am good at it. But it's not exactly something I can put on my resume, and I didn't earn two graduate degrees simply to be a nanny. (I'm not disparaging nannies; I've been one for years). But this talent will just have to be fulfilled with my nephew and saved for my future children.

I am trying, I am really, really trying to not get too down. This is not where I thought I would be at 30. But my generation is different than my parents' generation. We're in a shitty economy, people are getting married and having children later, half of couples end up divorced, and many people have moved back home in their late 20s/early 30s. So I am trying to not feel too discouraged. I am trying to remember that things happen for a reason. I know that struggle makes success that much sweeter...but I also feel like enough is enough already. Before my birthday last year, I wrote that I wanted to make decisions based on love and hope, not on fear.....and so far, I think I've been successful at that. Now I need to believe that things will turn around, that the positive I send out will return.

Isn't that the way it's supposed to work?