Lindsay (1987 - 2013)

I write this blog post not even really believing what I'm writing. My dear friend Lindsay passed away today. She had alveolar soft-part sarcoma, a very rare sarcoma that has an extremely poor prognosis. But Lindsay had such a positive attitude. She did chemo, radiation, spinal surgery, craniotomy, rehab, OT, PT -- she did what needed to be done, with a smile on her face and a belief that she would beat this. She did yoga, was into nutrition -- she did everything she could to be healthy.We either met through LiveStrong or the "crazysexycancer" nutrition message boards; I can't remember which, to be honest. For over 5 years we emailed, Facebooked, texted -- while I was in NC, she was in NY, and we vowed that if I were to move back to NYC, we'd have to get together for cupcakes. And after I moved here, she relocated to MD to be near Hopkins for her treatment. She was there so often anyway. She loved the OBX, and shared my enthusiasm for pinkberry, Sperry Top-Siders, plaid shirts, the Rolling Stones, and the South.
After her two strokes earlier this year, I knew that wasn't good, but this was Lindsay: if anyone could overcome this, it was her. Capturing the whole thing on Instagram as she went along. When I wanted DBS (deep brain stimulation) for the tremors, I had planned on going to Hopkins -- I told her this, and she was so excited that we'd finally get to meet - under less than ideal circumstances, but if anyone could put a positive spin on things, it was her. We were both sad when it turned out I probably wasn't going to go for consultations about the surgery.

And today, scrolling down my Facebook newsfeed, I see that one of our mutual friends left her a message about how she "will be missed." My breath caught in my throat and I said out loud, NONONONONO. I immediately went to Lindsay's page. It was true. She had passed away earlier today. I'm stunned. I feel like this must have been sudden, because she was doing so well. I just don't understand the Universe.
I can't even believe this is true. Sending prayers and good thoughts to her parents and two brothers.

New York state of mind.

Me and my favorite little guy

Matching Shirts!

Sitting on the steps of Low Library at Columbia

So. I went into the city while I'm up North visiting, and it was the first time I'd been in the city since March 2009. To be honest, though I've really missed Manhattan, I haven't realistically thought about moving back. I love my life in Chapel Hill. I live in a wonderful New Urbanist neighborhood; the town feels like a small town, where the baristas and workers at the co-op know me and the employees at B&N and Dick's Sporting Goods know me as well....I've built a life there in the almost 4 years I've lived there. A large chunk of my wardrobe is Carolina blue, I live for March Madness and the hatred for Duke runs through my veins as though it's always been there. In short, I have become a Tar Heel. Anyway....as I got into Penn Station and bought the MetroCards for my mother and I, that familiar thrill started trickling into my blood - the electric undercurrent of the crowded station, the constant humming of the city and overstimulation wherever you turn. Riding the 1 train up to Columbia, I passed the old familiar stops that I used to frequent so much - 59th St/Columbus Circle, where my favorite Whole Foods is, as well as the Borders and J.Crew I would shop at; 66th St/Lincoln Center, where the B&N was that had the amazing 4th floor cafe where I would stare down at the city while drinking my coffee and doing homework; 72nd St with the Urban Outfitters, the station where I saw the man get hit by the subway train; and 110th St, the stop that would signal it was time for me to get off and walk the two blocks to my apartment on 112th, between Broadway and Amsterdam. Finally, we got to 116th and walked up the subway steps, and as we stepped into the sunlight and turned to the left, there I saw it: Miller Theater, Columbia University School of the Arts.

We stepped through the open gates of the University, and though I hadn't been on campus since 2004, I fell in love with it all over again, like I'd never been gone. The campus will do that to you. It is an oasis of beauty and green in the concrete jungle of the city. Personally, I've always been reminded of the movie "Dead Poets Society." Especially in Butler Library, where it is hard not to be blown away by the marble and chrome. My mom and I walked up the steps to the School of the Arts, and I kid you not, as crazy as this sounds, I was honestly excited and thrilled that I was actually here, that I was actually doing this, that it might become a reality. I met with some of the admissions people, the financial aid rep (who assured me that I would not have to sell any non-essential organs to afford the 50k-per-year tuition), and went up to the 4th floor, where the Writing department is. the students were on spring break, but I was able to see the classrooms, the student lounge and was given the student handbook, a course listing packet, a thesis anthology from last year's students and a copy of the literary journal "Columbia." Looking at the rooms where workshop and lecture would be, I couldn't help but think of the writers that have sat in those rooms before - Jonathan Ames, Tama Janowitz, Meghan Daum, Heidi Julavits, Susan Minot, Rick Moody, Vendela Vida, and of course, the infamous James Franco. I know college is a business, but it felt like they genuinely wanted me to go there.

I left there wishing that I didn't love it so much, that I wish I had found more - something, anything - wrong with the program, other than the tuition. In their defense, there are actually more financial aid opportunities than you might be led to believe otherwise....many of which start the second year, unfortunately.

Anyway. After we left campus, we had delicious falafel at Amir's, went to see my old apartment building, and stopped at Book Culture across the street, which used to be Labyrinth Books when I lived there. Then we went to Pinkberry (a great addition to the 'hood), and hopped a cab to the East Side, where we went to Dylan's Candy Bar (because I love it) and Bloomingdales, where we had coffee at David Burke (he of David Burke and Donatella fame) and did some shopping. It was an exhausting day, but very fun and very tiring.

So, other than that, I still don't know what I will be doing come fall. The New School has not found it in their hearts to even show me the courtesy to let me know their decision, even when I explained I was only visiting the city for a day; and UNC informed me they are STIIIILLLL making their PhD decisions. So. If college is a business, guess who's probably getting my money?

baby steps.

I'm not sure where to start. I guess I should start with the most exciting news......I will be going to UNC-Greensboro in the fall, for their premed post-bac program! I am ridiculously excited to be studying bio, organic chem, physics, and pre-calc (and that's just first semester!). That's sick. But the reactions I'm getting from most people are this: Finally! I've been talking about it and obsessing about medicine for so long, and reading medical textbooks for fun, that it's like, okay, good, you're finally going to do something with it. I was talking to a friend of mine, E, today, and he's actually a physician, and he said that I have wanted this more than he's ever wanted to be in medicine, and he has no doubt it will work out for me.....I hope he's right. Because I really do want this, with all my heart. I have wanted this since 2003, and found excuses and reasons not to do it every year.....there are a million reasons why I SHOULDN'T be doing this. But there's one reason why I should: Because my heart and soul are so invested in becoming a pediatric oncologist. How can I ignore that anymore? I don't want to regret any more decisions in my life. At the age of 28, I feel like I already have more regrets than I should. And that's going to stop. I'm finally taking the first step on a path I've been dreaming about for years, and that feels good. 

If MSKCC offered me a job, would I change my mind? I'm not sure. That would be an incredibly hard decision to make, and I would have to weigh everything very heavily -- it would most likely mean I would not pursue medicine, ever. It just wouldn't make sense. I'd be working at my dream job, but perhaps not doing exactly what I want to do. But can anyone really have it all, anyway? I don't know. 

I'm missing NY a little.....just remembering last summer. Muggy summer evenings on the Upper East Side, walking home eating Pinkberry, Starbucks runs, loving my work, still not quite believing I was interning at MSK. It's so hard to reconcile my love for NY and my love for Chapel Hill. Both places feel like home, in a way that no other places have. 

hitting a wall.

I want this Jeep. It's a Lilly Pulitzer Jeep Wrangler. How prep-tastic is this??

So. It's been a week of applying to jobs, soul-searching, nannying, and sleeping. It's getting discouraging, the whole job situation. I am still waiting about MSKCC and calling the HR woman this week, and I've looked at Georgetown's cancer center and Northwestern. I applied for a position at UNC today that sounds neat, and hopefully it will lead to something. I'm just struggling to find my place right now. And so are many of those in my cohort, so I don't feel so bad - because I know how amazing everyone is, and how lucky employers would be to hire us. I've been thinking a lot lately about my life here in Chapel Hill and how much I love it, but I was also reminded today about how I loved living in Manhattan last summer. I was watching "The City", and it reminded me of when I'd leave my apt and walk to the 96th st subway in the already-stifling humid morning air, feeling confident in my clothes and excited to go to work. Every day I could honestly say I loved my job. How many people can say that? So why am I so ambivalent about the possibility of returning?? How many people honestly ever say no to MSKCC? It's an amazing place. I left every day exhausted and spent, but inspired and satisfied. Seriously, I read my journal from last summer, and nearly every entry starts with "I had the best day". I love just soaking up all that it had to offer, and I miss my coworkers and attending. I miss free Starbucks iced coffee on wednesdays with Rika. I miss gchat conversations when we were 3 cubicles away from each other. I miss Pinkberry lunches and Buttercup BakeShop obsessions and snack runs. I miss the energy of the city, the humming that seemed to infuse the pavement and electrify the environment. I miss the Barnes & Noble across the street from my office (dangerous) that opened at 7am and going there for a morning coffee and magazine browsing time. I don't miss paying $5 for a box of cereal and always feeling poor and unattractive (because living in NY has the tendency to make one immediately feel ugly and fat). 

How do I reconcile my love of the city and my love for Chapel Hill? Here my life is so much more relaxed, that's a given. I don't feel pressure to "be" a certain way, or dress a certain way. People are nicer, life is affordable, I love my neighborhood....I don't know. The two seem at odds with each other, and I'm not sure I can resolve it. I mean, I wear a sterling silver 5th Ave charm around my neck! Its weight reminds me every time I wear it of Manhattan and my connections to the city. 

But I've been obsessing over MSKCC for nearly 5 years now. Working there last summer has been the highlight of my life, to date. Working there full-time....would be what I've been waiting for and working towards. So it's a lot to think about. 

There is a girl I went to high school with, J, and lately she's been on my mind a lot. After we graduated high school, she had breast cancer at the age of 19 and went through treatment, etc. Recently she was diagnosed with a recurrence, at the age of 29. She just had a bilateral mastectomy - mandatory on one side, prophylactic on the other, with tissue expanders, and eventually, reconstruction. And then chemo/rtx. This terrifies and angers me. It terrifies me because how could this possibly happen to someone my age?? And yet it angers me because....how could this possibly happen to someone my age? The questions are the same, and I keep running up against a wall when I try to search for some answers. Faith provides no comfort, medicine provides no acceptable explanations. I'm not sure what I would do if I were faced with her situation. Although I had come to the decision a few months ago that if my grandmother was positive for the BRCA gene, and I turned out to be positive, I would elect to have a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction. Thankfully, I do not have to make such a decision, because my grandmother was negative. But that's not to say that, G-d forbid, I won't have to make that decision in the future at some point. 

I don't know....I was thinking about this the other night. I don't want to sound like a traitor, but when do we stop fooling ourselves? Like with certain Stage IV cancers, when do we stop fighting and start palliating? Of course, this is a per-patient decision, but on a larger scale....survivorship. I'm interested in the field, I've worked in the field....sometimes it just seems cruel. Sometimes I want to scream, SHOW ME A LONG-TERM SURVIVOR OF GLIOBLASTOMA MULTIFORME WITH A DECENT LIFE when confronted with a survivor of GBM that's 1 or 2 years post-dx. Maybe I'm just in a pessimistic mood tonight, but right now, I feel like we are NOT winning the so-called "war on cancer". And maybe we never will. But damnit, why are the drugs still so toxic? Why are the surgeries still so disfiguring? Why do we not have better screening? Why are there such still disparities among populations? Why are some cancers virtually ignored, while others get money thrown at them with abandon? It is this anger that propels me into the field of oncology. This anger is that voice in the back of my head saying, don't you dare waste this passion for oncology, don't you DARE. This anger stems from watching friends and family deal with cancer and die from cancer. This anger makes me want to do something, it reminds me that there's still so much that needs to be done. 

when you call my name, it's like a little prayer

Marie Curie once said, Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. I'd like to think that way, especially in oncology. But it's hard, I'm not going to lie. I have to reach down and really pull sometimes to find hope. Some days are much more difficult than others. Some days I have to pretend, until hope really does finally break through. But I wouldn't be going into the field of oncology if I didn't intrinsically have hope; this I know. 

But what happens when someone might have metastases, years and years after they've been cancer-free? How does one rationalize such an irrational event? How do you start to make sense of it? It's not fair; but then again, cancer doesn't play fair. Cancer cells don't get the message that they're supposed to die (apoptosis), they just keep replicating and invading other organs in its host. They don't really care that they're crashing a party that they'd never be invited to in the first place. And then sometimes, they'll go into hiding, and the patients' treatment team congratulates themselves for their hard work and brilliance...and then months, years, decades later, they surprise us. To paraphrase, metastasis happens. Granted, metastatic disease is not the immediate death sentence it used to be, for the most part. Yes, we can't "cure" the patient, but we can "treat" them and "keep the cancer under control" and preserve quality of life for the patient. And of course, it depends on the kind of cancer, too. 

Anyway, hearing that the lump she has might be a cyst or a metastasis....floored me. Working in oncology doesn't soften the blow any. If anything, it kind of makes news like this worse because we know what we might be up against. I am hoping it turns out to be just a cyst. Hope. Have to hold onto that. Sometimes, though, I just feel like screaming, Seriously, G-d? Can't you give me a break? Don't you think you OWE me one? But that's a whole other theological discussion. 

Studies in JAMA show that people, somehow, heal faster and more complete when they're prayed for. It doesn't even matter if the people who are praying know the people they're praying for. Somehow, prayer works sometimes. So if you have a minute, pray for the people you know and care about. You never know. 

Look to the living, love them, and hold on. - Douglas Dunn

I miss NY.

I miss New York. I miss it in that way that you can only miss something you simultaneously love and hate. I miss walking to Pinkberry on a muggy summer night. I miss the surprise of little kids selling lemonade on the sidewalks of the Upper East Side. I miss the cupcake selection. I miss my morning Dunkin' Donuts - wheat bagel with light cream cheese, iced coconut coffee. I miss the chaotic energy of the city. I miss being inspired everyday at work, and having my oncology idols be mere feet from me. I miss waking up and loving my job. I miss overpriced candy at Dylan's Candy Bar, and pizza at Patsy's, and Jamba Juice. I miss walking along Fifth Ave on  my lunch break. 

Some days I can't wait until I get back there in December. 

Manhattan, I just can't shake you

                                  

So, I was talking to my grandmother tonight, and she was telling me about her day in NY seeing a show and going for dinner, and she mentioned how she passed Bergdorf Goodman, and that "that part of the city is much nicer than the Times Sq area." I was like, um, that's because it's the Upper East Side! And it made me miss MSKCC, because if you go just a few blocks east and south of Bergdorf's, that's where I worked. Good times indeed. It made me miss the chaotic-ness of the city, the feeling that even at 2am, there's life going on outside. It made me miss 10pm walks to Pinkberry with Jessi, and sitting on the steps of the 92nd st Y, and obsessing about maybe one day owning a place in the Yorkville Towers, and walking to the best falafel place EVER. And what made me miss NY even more was that my research TA gave me an article on adolescent cancer survivors and health behavior, and in the article they wrote, "As Ford and Ostroff have mentioned...."!!! Um, HELLO, I worked with them!!! It was so neat to see that and be like, yup, I know them. Needless to say, that REALLY made me miss MSKCC. It's been a really difficult adjustment getting used to school again. I thought it would be done by now, but I'm definitely still reconciling that. So for now, at least until I can get back to Manhattan over winter break, I have to be content with wearing lots of black, daydreaming of Dylan's Candy Bar and Pinkberry, and eating lots of bagels. (Although, again, doesn't compare to H&H bagels). Such a love/hate relationship I have with the city. 

middle ground

Oh. My. G-d. I am exhausted. I babysat the twins today for 4.5 hours, and let me tell you - it is definitely a full-time job, as all kids are. But there's two of them. It's A LOT harder than I thought....and I wasn't expecting it to be easy. But when neither one is eating lunch and you're trying to calm a screaming baby and trying to feed the other one without getting food all over the place, it's hard. Then they smile at you with their big gummy smiles, so honest and innocent, and you fall in love with them all over again. 

Still trying to figure out some sort of time management/schoolwork routine and trying not to get too overwhelmed . I had a huge craving for Zabar's hamentashen today. And an H&H bagel. And, of course, Pinkberry. I miss feeling like I was living on the pulse of everything. It's a dynamic energy in the air in Manhattan that can be overstimulating and overwhelming, but also very exciting and satisfying. I'm trying to find that middle ground between NY and Chapel Hill again. I miss my work at MSKCC a lot, and often think of it. I miss that singular focus on oncology and everything that goes with it. I miss being in an environment where the passion for it is almost palpable. I miss feeling like my work is actually making a difference. This summer, I woke up every morning, excited to get on the subway and go downtown to work. I did work on the weekends and enjoyed it. I miss that. 

"Believe that your life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact." - William James, American psychologist and philosopher (thanks, K!)

warm whispers

I wasn't prepared for the silence when I came back. My housemate isn't back in NC yet, so I have the place to myself - and it's so quiet - so UNLIKE Manhattan. It's taking some getting used to. There are no sirens outside, no horns honking....it's kind of nice. But there's also no Starbucks in walking distance, and no Pinkberry or Buttercup Bake Shop or falafel carts. It's a trade-off, I guess. 

After a summer of feverish reading and working on cancer stuff, I have time to read non-cancer stuff, which is refreshing. But I know that this time next week, I'll be swept up in schoolwork again, not to mention starting to figure out plans for next year, application essay writing, and so forth. 

It's really great to be back, though.

Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal: my strength lies solely in my tenacity. - Louis Pasteur

cupcakes and cancer

Buttercup Bake Shop cupcakes. 

Tomorrow is my last day at MSKCC....as I type that, it doesn't seem real. The days and weeks have flown by, way too fast. I feel like just yesterday I unpacked my stuff and was nervous about starting. And though I loved it from the beginning, somewhere along the way it ceased to be just my practicum, but a large part of who I am. As Jennifer, my supervisor, said today, we spend a lot of our free time working on this stuff, so it makes sense that we love it. And she's right. Many weekends this summer I was busy reading journal articles, or adding to the lit reviews, or reading a book I picked up at the MSKCC library. But it didn't seem like work to me. And to have to leave this.....I hope I get to return to Memorial in the future - if not as a post-doc research fellow, then in some sort of capacity. I learned so much this summer, and really built my experience and confidence. I am forever indebted to everyone who taught me and helped me at MSKCC - it was an amazing experience. And maybe, most importantly, I found out that the people who work there, in the end, are simply human. I mean, I've read article after article written by Jamie Ostroff, or Tim Ahles, or Kevin Oeffinger, or Jimmie Holland - they are known in the field and I admire their work tremendously. To be in the same physical space as they were was overwhelming enough intially, but to actually have interactions with them - wow. But I found out that they, too, struggle with grants, and writing, and roadblocks in research. They are approachable and helpful, and very down-to-earth. They're human. They had to start somewhere. 

Tomorrow Rika, Dara, and I are going to Buttercup Bake Shop for their yummy cupcakes. Buttercup is owned by the woman who co-founded Magnolia Bakery.....I had two of their cupcakes last week for lunch. Sublime. A little piece of heaven, with pink pastel sugar frosting. Nearly going into a diabetic coma afterwards was well worth it. Today Rika and I went to Pinkberry for lunch.....I think Pinkberry and I are breaking up. I felt really ill afterwards. Oh well. It was just a summer fling. 

My task now is to try and consolidate the 7 bags I have into something more manageable. Somehow I doubt I will be succesful in getting all 7 to Penn Station thursday morning, even taking a cab. Suggestions would be welcome. 

crazy times on the UES

oh, Pinkberry, how I love you.

This is Jessi, future WNBAer

I knew there was a reason I never played b-ball

So. An eventful Sunday. After waking up late, I had to do work, so I went to 'Bucks for a while, and then my friend Jessi came over and we had some dinner at Dorrian's Red Hand, which is a bar/grill on the Upper East Side....those of you who are, um, a little bit older, might remember this place as the venue where Robert Chambers met Jennifer Levine back in 1986....the so-called "Preppy Murder". So we had some dinner and then decided to walk around, and then we went to Jessi's favorite watering hole, Ryan's Daughter, where we proceeded to kick butt at basketball and met a Yalie named Henry. After working up a sweat there, we headed to Pinkberry for some heaven in a cup. And now I am getting ready for the week ahead......

TGIF

Not much happened today....more researching and waiting for IRB approval on adding me to the study. Worked on my lit review. 

Snapshots of a day in NY:

On my way to the subway this morning I saw 3 girls with the same bag as me. I have it in robin's egg blue, and theirs were red and black. On the way home on the subway, I saw yet another girl with it.  I see this daily. It seems to be the everyday tote bag. 

I am battling a cold, and got amazing soup for lunch. It should be amazing, for $7. But it was just what I needed. yum. 

I ordered groceries online and had them delivered - surprisingly, it was cheaper than going to the store. And, they have 4-minute meals that you can just pop in the microwave - from Tabla, this awesome restaurant in the city. 

And now I just got home from dinner and Pinkberry with Emily. Total comfort food - we had gnocchi pomodoro and wine, followed by our beloved fro-yo. The restaurant was on 82nd and 2nd ave, so it was a pretty busy area - tons of restaurants and bars I have to check out before the end of the summer! And that doesn't even count the places I want to go to, like Zarela, Sarabeth's, Max Cafe, Cafe Lalo, Fetch.......although I think on Sunday Em and I are doing brunch at Sarabeth's, which is THE BEST place for brunch, I swear. Although there are locations in the Whitney and on the Upper East Side, the best is the original, on the Upper West Side, which is where we'll go on Sunday - even if it IS overrun with all the families with their Bugaboos (which secretly, I covet). Ah, good times. 

These are Bugaboo strollers. For $900 bucks a pop, they seem to be everywhere here, although they tend to stay around the Upper West and Upper East....and Soho, I guess. 

why you should not wear sandals in the city

High Points: Lunch at pinkberry, working in the air conditioning, the nice people I met today

Low Points: the 97 degree sweltering city heat, my dirty feet (due to both my shoes and the sheer reality of going sockless in the city)

Today was my first day of practicum, and because my supervisor was working from home today because of a conference she had attended, it was pretty much an intro day. I learned about one of the studies I will be working on, the retinoblastoma study, and learned about and used the database used for the study, and also am reviewing articles for my supervisor. Tomorrow I get my ID and (hopefully) an mskcc.org email address, and since my supervisor will be onsite, I should know more about my daily routine and projects I will work on, etc. 

It is so hot here that supposedly, there will be some brownouts on the UES because of the demand on the power system, or something like that. Good times. 

summer in the city

New York is a tough city. It is complex and beautiful. Cities are amazing and brutal. We love cities. They survive, we survive. Each individual finds a way alone or with the help of others....To be in a city like New York or Los Angeles or Mexico City is to be in a dialogue with a community of people that inspire and inform one another...." - from the book "Letters to a Young Artist"

Last night I went to the best candy store ever, and hopefully soon I will go to my favorite place for cupcakes. It is HOT in the city today, and everyone looks like they just ran a marathon. I still haven't found hangers, and am trying to avoid going all the way downtown today to get them. Plans for tonight include going out for dinner with my friend Jessi, whom I haven't seen in 2 years, so I'm looking forward to that. 

I've found a new obsession, Pinkberry. It's a frozen yogurt place that sells 3 kinds of yogurt - pinkberry, coffee, and green tea - and various fruit/cereal toppings. I went yesterday and got pinkberry yogurt with bananas and blueberries, and it was heavenly. Especially since it was over 92 degrees. The fro-yo is sort of yogurty tasting; more so than regular frozen yogurt, and though I'm not a fan of regular yogurt, it was super good. I have a feeling I will be eating lots of it in the next 8 weeks.

Tomorrow is my first day of practicum, and I'm not quite sure what to expect, but I'm very excited, albeit slightly intimidated.