if you let me play sports...

Sports has always been a part of my life. As a girl, I took gymnastics lessons; tumbling and flipping came easy to me. I'd do back walkovers up and down the lawn, practice back handsprings with my friend Nikki, and do flips off the diving board in our pool. In high school, I decided to take up tennis; after one year, I was playing Varsity. Being on the tennis court gave me a sense of peace - running the lines, laps around the court, practicing my two-handed backhand and popping open a new can of tennis balls...I loved it. I still do, although I haven't been on a court in forever. I planned my summers around tennis. Wimbledon would always seem to fall during tennis tryouts. I'd go to morning tryouts, come home and watch tennis and eat lunch, and go back for afternoon tryouts and practice. When I got to college, I contemplated trying out for the team, but was lured to rugby by the promise of parties after every game. Rugby was like no other sport - I would go back to the dorm after a game and party with black and blue bruises from head to toe, exhausted, and as happy as a pig in slop. Playing rugby was a badge of honor, that I was tough enough to play a sport with no timeouts, full body contact and tackling. And now, I have triathlon.

Due to my foot surgery, I am relegated to only swimming right now. But just getting my body moving again has given me back a part of myself. There is a large part of me that identifies as an athlete. It is something I am decent at. At a time when I am struggling in school - something preveiously UNHEARD OF for me - this makes me feel good at something. Most people are really good at something. I've always been really good at school. And when I don't have that, I'm a little lost. But sports makes me feel like I'm good at something again. Gives me a sense of accomplishment. Satisfaction. Even just entering the Wellness Center and locker room, I can feel my body relax, like this is where I'm supposed to be, it's familiar, it's natural. I'm a sports girl. The fact that I am (trying to) study for ACSM certification for personal training so I can work part-time while waiting on nursing school decisions is exciting for me. Unfortunately, I haven't really been able to even look at the ACSM books because of physiology. At any rate, I am getting back to my athletic self, which makes me feel good. As Molly Barker writes, it gets me out of the "Girl Box", those imposed restrictions that tell us we're not pretty enough, or thin enough, or good enough....or simply, enough. It brings me to my self. Which is what we all strive for, right?

tri training

So I've been swimming every day since last Saturday....and it feels great. I absolutely LOVE the Wellness Center, and have gotten exponentially better at swimming laps. I just needed to get back into it. I am more confident about the triathlon, and really looking forward to it. I got a bike and a helmet the other day, although I won't be able to ride until July. There's a peacefulness in the water that I love. I'd forgotten, though, how ravenous swimming makes me, and for the first couple days, I would be starving as I left the gym. Now I pack some trail mix, Gatorade and PowerBars in my gym bag, thankfully, so I won't be hungry on my way home. Gotta keep up my strength!

Seriously, though, I was talking with the head of aquatics, who used to do triathlons, and even he said that my dedication and perseverance in the pool will pay off and I will be back to my originaly strength - if not more so - soon. That felt good. I felt like an athlete again. I have an ad ripped out of Triathlete magazine on my wall that has a bunch of triathletes getting ready for the swim, and it says: It's all about making the start line. THAT is why I love triathlon. It recognizes even the hard work that someone puts into it. It's not all about winning; it's about loving what you do and working hard, and just getting to the starting line. You don't have to win the race, just be a part of it.

keep swimming....

This is the Ironman Triathlon symbol, the "M-dot". One day, I hope to do a half-Ironman, or even a full Ironman.

I got the pin out of my foot yesterday, and have to wear the air cast for another 4 weeks. So today I went swimming at the UNC Wellness Center, where my grandparents have very nicely paid for a month membership, since they have a pool and awesome, state-of-the art equipment. It really is an AMAZING facility, and I'd really like to write a lot so that I can maintain a membership there for a few months, especially leading up to the triathlon (it's somewhat pricey). But I swam in the pool there today, and it kicked my butt. I didn't realize how weakened I'd become since surgery, but I guess after almost 8 weeks of not exercising and not even walking nearly as much as I had been, I definitely lost a lot of strength. It was humbling, and upsetting, and frustrating. I don't like struggling as an athlete, but today I was struggling. It makes me nervous about the triathlon, even though I have 5 months to go. I thought the swim leg would be the one part of the tri that I wouldn't have to worry about, but now I'm wondering. Of course, I can't run until July, according to the orthopedic surgeon, so I'm thinking the run leg might be my most challenging. I am hoping that I have given myself enough time to train.

At any rate, it was really great to be exercising again. It felt natural to use my muscles, and feel the strain in my arms. The water has always been familiar to me; I had a pool nearly my entire life growing up, and I would spend hours swimming laps, diving off the diving board, and playing games with my brother and friends. Being back in the pool today felt nice, although I struggled.

As Dory from "Finding Nemo" said, "Just keep swimming...."

just call me Coach.

Girls on the Run!

Despite the fact that I am still wearing an air cast (surgeon said I should be able to run by July), I just signed up to be a volunteer coach in the fall for an organization called Girls on the Run. It was founded by a woman named Molly Barker (a UNC alum, clinical social worker, 4 time Hawaii Ironman triathlete and recovering alcoholic), and is quite possibly the neatest organization I have ever had the opportunity to work with. The program is a 12 week program for girls ages 8-12, and we will meet twice a week for an hour at a time, doing lessons on self-esteem, body image, healthy choices, and other positive, empowering themes for young girls. At each session, we do some running, and at the end of the 12 weeks, we enter a 5k (3.1 miles) race. Girls this age are on the cusp, they are looking into the "Girl Box", as Molly writes. But think back to when you were 8, 9, 10...before you were worried about not being "pretty enough", or "thin enough", or "smart enough", or "popular enough"....because you knew you WERE enough. Unfortunately, somewhere along the way, many of us fall into media traps of what is deemed "acceptable" for young women today. We get trapped in the "Girl Box", with its strict rules as to what is expected and what is accepted. We learn to be seen and not heard, to speak a little softer. We learn that the media slams women who dare to be a healthy size, rather than diet themselves into nothingness. Sports can change all that. I am so excited to be a role model and help empower these girls to love themselves, and make healthy choices for themselves. Athletics has always been part of my life - gymnastics, tennis, rugby, and now triathlon - and to share that with others is a gift.

I went into psychology because of Mary Pipher's book Reviving Ophelia. Though my life has detoured into pediatric oncology, I still have a strong interest in psychology (as I should, since I have a Master's in counseling), and I think this experience will teach me a lot. I'm sure that these girls will be teaching me, as much - if not more - than I teach them. I'm reading Molly Barker's book "Girls on Track", which gives some background on her own life and the development of the program, and it's pretty amazing.

these boots are made for walkin'

My air cast is a little shorter, but this is what my oh-so-fashionable aircast looks like.

I finally understand the impact of chronic pain or discomfort on people. It will be 6 weeks tomorrow that I had my foot surgery, and since then, I'd say a good 5 weeks at least have been marked by pain or discomfort every day. When there's no pain or discomfort, there is certainly inconvenience and impairment. 6 weeks without running or biking for stress relief. 6 weeks without taking a normal shower with both feet on the floor (don't ask). When you have pain or discomfort more often than not, it does a number on you. Emotionally, it wears you out. It really is exhausting, physically and mentally. Not being able to run and get rid of stress in that way has caused added stress and frustration, especially as the weather has gotten nicer and nicer. Physically, it stresses your body and tires you out. You have to plan outfits accordingly because the damn air cast is cumbersome, plan routes of activities and so forth because walking is hard and you can't walk fast, and don't forget to clean the open wound where the pin is still sticking out. And if you manage to stub your toe while wearing the air cast, like I did last week, well, then.....you're screwed.

I know people have it much, much worse than I do, and I shouldn't complain. I'm trying not to. But I've never been immobilized like this.....I see my surgeon again next friday, and hopefully, HOPEFULLY, after he takes the pin out, maybe I'll be able to bike....I'm not counting on it though. I have a feeling I'll still have to wear the air cast a bit longer.