Dorothy had it wrong.

From "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz":

"Dorothy wanted to see more of the Princess, so she ran after her. But the china girl cried out, "Don't chase me! Don't chase me!" She had such a frightened little voice that Dorothy stopped and said, "Why not?"

"Because", answered the Princess, also stopping, a safe distance away, "if I run I may fall down and break myself."

"But could you not be mended?", asked the girl.

"Oh, yes; but one is never so pretty after being mended, you know", replied the Princess.

"I suppose not," said Dorothy.

It doesn't take a philosophy or Women's Studies major to see the broader meaning and implications about this...at least, I don't think so. Maybe it's just because of my psychology background, I don't know. In some way, aren't we all broken, or in the mending process? Maybe it's up to us to see the beauty in the cracks, to read the stories of the ridges and scars. Isn't it said that once a bone is broken, after it mends, it is stronger than before? Maybe our broken pieces give us strength. After all, if something sits on a shelf and is never enjoyed, that's not very exciting, is it? It's only by experiencing life that we become nicked here and there, maybe cracked open or even shattered. But eventually, we piece ourselves together with some help and love, and continue our journey.

There's such a collective emphasis in society of not showing weakness, not showing our broken or wounded parts. We like to show shiny, pretty surfaces and neat, tidy packages. But as someone recently pointed out to me, vulnerability often draws people closer; we often like them even more after we know that part of them, because we connect on that basic level. At our centers, we're all vulnerable.

Once something breaks us, even temporarily, we're never the same. Ever. We're different. Maybe we can become better, even. And I would venture to say that, no, we're never as pretty as we were prior to breaking. We're prettier.

this kind of work.

"This kind of work, it changes you....and it IS too easy to lose your way." These words were just spoken on Grey's Anatomy by the Chief of Surgery. He was talking to the physicians and telling them about his experience with a person with AIDS back when AIDS first came on the scene. And though Grey's is often far-flung from the truth, there is truth to these words. Hearing him say them...well, it sounds cheesy, but it reminded me why I am on this path and why I continue to slog through, despite setbacks and failures and struggle, despite having to take undergrad classes at the age of 29....I do it because I love it. I love oncology, and it feels right working in the field. I honestly cannot see myself doing anything else but something in oncology. There is something humbling in working with people and families living with cancer. Many days, you are the one being taught. There is something magical in the human spirit, that is amazing to watch and be a part of. Though it can be depressing work, the relationships and resilience and hope are also a huge part of it.

This is what I need to keep in the forefront of my mind when I get discouraged with my classes, or overwhelmed with memorizing. This is what I need to remember when I find myself thinking I'm crazy for doing this and not taking a job that is simply satisfactory but pays the bills. I need to remember my grandmothers' gratitude when I explained her pathology report to her. I need to remind myself of my dad's "thank you's" when I broke down my aunt's medical records in everyday language. Or R's pleased surprise when I call to see how she's holding up with radiation. I need to remember Erik, Sophia, Pop-Pop, Jennifer, Jaime N, Kendal....and all the other wonderful people I have in my life who have been affected by cancer. I am tired of hearing that someone else died, or someone has a recurrence. I'm frustrated that the scale is not tilting in a different direction with cancer.

But I guess that's why I chose oncology.

Or why it chose me.

"If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or fight like hell." -- Lance Armstrong

how quick are you gonna get up?

In the spirit of the last post, I thought this was interesting - Nike just put out an ad that has the song "Ali in the Jungle", and part of the chorus goes, "Everybody gets knocked down; how quick are you gonna get up?" I have been obsessed with this song, playing it over and over and watching the ad repeatedly. It's a great running song, as well as a reminder that people who succeed do, in fact, get knocked down over and over and over and over -- but their success comes from the fact that they got up and forged ahead, even if it meant repeated blows.

Human Chain from NikeSportswear on Vimeo.

getting over.

I had my first test on Tuesday. I have anatomy lab quizzes every Friday and had a lab exam last Friday, but this was my first class test. I didn't do well. I haven't gotten my grade, but I know I did not do well, despite having studied a lot (in my opinion). But I knew big-picture, and she was REALLY detail-oriented. In a class entitled MICRObiology, I probably should have seen that one coming. But I didn't. And though I've aced all the anatomy quizzes, I did not do well on the lab exam. Why? Because we had random bones on the table, spread out, and had to identify them. Without context. I wasn't prepared for that, and really, when will that ever happen? When will I get a random ulna on my desk and have to identify it as such? Anyway. So yesterday, after I came home from the micro test, I just cried. It was a rainy day, which didn't help. So I got on the treadmill and ran it out, but ended up going to bed by 9:30pm because I just wanted the day to be over and forgotten about. I was really upset, because I want this. I want to do well. This is a challenge, and I love challenges. It's just harder than anticipated, both the classwork AND rearranging my brain and thought processes to concrete sciences. I haven't had to do rote memorization in years, so it's been an adjustment. So I pretty much cried myself to sleep last night, feeling like I was failing at everything. And, like it always is, the morning was much better. I woke up with a clearer head and new resolve.

I did not get where I am, both personally and academically, by quitting or giving up. I don't know when I started to let myself get psyched out by little things, but that's not who I am at heart. I am a fighter, I'm "scrappy", as I was once called. I push and push and push and work til I get some sort of result. I need to build up my confidence and do better on the next exams. A woman I know, Katie, did college track & field back in the day, and she told me a story that I often fall back on. They needed her to do hurdles, which she typically didn't do. And she was talking to her coach, and her coach told her that he doesn't care how she gets over the hurdles, it doesn't have to be pretty, but just get over them. Get over the hurdles. I don't have to be pretty doing this; I don't have to get perfect scores, I just have to clear these hurdles one way or another. And that's what I'll do. It's what I've always done.

tri-WHAT?

So....I have signed up for the Ramblin' Rose sprint-triathlon that will be in Chapel Hill in October. Have you stopped laughing yet? I've never done anything like this before, and am nervous but excited. I am doing it with the Teal Toes team (individually, but representing Teal Toes), in honor of my aunt, who has advanced ovarian cancer. So I've been running since January, but now I am getting serious about it. The tri is a 250-yard swim, a 9 mile bike, and 2 mile run. I think I can do that, right? I have 8 months to train for it. I have to get a bike and swim goggles and some odds and ends, but I'm psyched. Plus, doesn't it just sound so tough, "training for a triathlon"? I think this will be a great stress reliever and motivation for me to keep healthy and take care of myself.

I also will be a featured blogger for a website, sheknows.com, in conjunction with a cancer awareness campaign the American Cancer Society is doing. Very excited about that, too.

School is going well, I think. I am studying all the time, and it still feels like never enough. I just have to get into the "science mindset". No one cares how I "feel" about the human body or germs, I just have to memorize concepts and terms. It's not analytical or esoteric; it's hard facts and information. There's been a slight learning curve in readjusting my reading and studying and approach to school. For the first time in....forever, school is really hard. I really have to work at it. The most valuable things come from hard work and struggle, or so I've been led to believe. With this, I'm inclined to agree. I think when all is said and done, my hard work, determination and tenacity will pay off, and I will get to where I want to be. At least I hope so.

2010 has certainly been a busy year so far. And it's only February.