plants have feelings, too

Sooo....I have had this nagging cough for about 2 weeks now, and 3 weeks ago I was having cold sweats and chills, I've had tummy pain, and a sore throat, etc, and a doctor friend mentioned I might want to get checked out, to see if it's mycoplasma pneumonia, aka walking pneumonia. So I get to work and ask a coworker about walk-in clinics, because it is HARD to find a doctor here when you don't have one in the city and don't need to go to the ER. So I find a doc online, he's gotten good press in nyc, but he doesn't take insurance - but he can see me *today*. So I suck it up and pay, and get a bill so I can submit it to my insurance company. Long story short, I was there for an hour and a half, only to leave $135 poorer and carrying a script for amoxicillin. I also had a list of foods I should not be eating and a list of supplements I should be on, as well as the suggestion to get a HEPA air filter. I was told to take out my tongue and navel piercings, too. Apparently, this doc thinks my body is having some sort of allergic reaction to my environment, my diet, something. He looked at my throat (which he admitted was red) and listened to my heart and lungs. And that was it. I was not impressed. When I explained that I didn't eat red meat and try not to eat chicken often, he told me that "plants have feelings, too", aka, when you talk to them they grow, etc, and that by eating veggies and stuff, aren't we killing THEM, as well? And then he proceeds to tell me that he is going on a blind date tonight and all his fears about it, AND how he refuses to prescribe the morning after pill because there's no way he will "interfere with life".....which made me VERY uncomfortable. You're probably thinking, Jaime, where the hell did you find this guy? Well, let me tell you - he's billed as "New York's Dr.House", and he's been on tv shows and everything. He also told me he's friends with Fantasia, the American Idol girl and that he's treated Kate Hudson's aunt - um, HIPAA, anyone??? So long story short, I am back right where I started from. 

winding down

I can't believe a week from today is my last day at MSKCC. I am so sad about this. I have really loved working there and going to work every day. Hopefully I will have another chance to work there, either as a post-doc research fellow in psycho-oncology (not that I've planned this out or anything), or as a researcher. I have had the chance this summer to truly work among immensely talented, gifted people, and I am so thankful for that. This might have been one of the best, if not the best, summers of my life. 

But something else that is very dear to me and that I love very much is English/literature/reading. In fact, for a while in high school, I toyed with the idea of majoring in English once I got to college and becoming a professor, or a writer. During the summer, I get to read more "fun" books (although I'm not sure anyone would classify as "fun", the things I read!), and explore writers I've always heard of but only really skimmed over in college. One of these is Anais Nin. She's best known for her diaries. She was friends with - and usually much more - many well-known authors, psychoanalysts, and artists, and wrote about her adventures in her diaries. And until now, I never knew that she actually studied psychotherapy under Otto Rank, who trained with Freud. Although that explains a lot. There are many quotes by her that I love, but I found a few tonight that I wanted to share......

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself - Anais Nin

We write in order to live twice. - Anais Nin 

Reading now: "White Coat Wisdom" by Stephen Busalacchi; "Twilight" by Stephenie Meyer

Listening now: Katie Reider, Jem, Vampire Weekend

insomnia

I'm lying in bed, unable to sleep because of all the work that I have to get done in the next week (I can't believe I have 8 more days in the city; unreal), and so I went on planetcancer.com - an AMAZING website whose founder is Heidi Adams, a very cool woman. They have "top 10 lists", and I thought I'd post one for your enjoyment. 

Top 10 Ways to Disrupt the Waiting Room

10. Ask everyone around you to do things "stat". 

9. Offer free prostate exams.

8. Ask everyone nervously whether they have a "spare catheter".

7. Pop a tape in the VCR of you in an avocado-eating contest.

6. Supplement bland waiting room periodicals with nurse-fetish pornography. 

5. Give your best rendition of that dance floor classic: the Naked Raptor.

4. Hold up a sign that reads, "Free chemo in the parking lot."

3. Initiate spelling bee. Be unflinchingly cruel with errors.

2. Leaf through every magazine in the room, shake hands with everyone else, and then say loudly, "Jesus, this flesh-eating scabies itches like a mother."

1. Repeatedly refer to the doctor you're waiting to see as "The Trembling Butcher."

Things I am looking forward to:

moving into Southern Village****Carolina Bakery cupcakes****seeing my friends****seeing the kids I babysit****being able to breathe without NYC pollution in my lungs***the new season of Gossip Girl!!***people actually having manners***being able to wear jeans everyday***living affordably****Southpoint****Weaver Street***Caribou Coffee***going to A Southern Season****driving (although not the gas prices)

Things I am NOT looking forward to:

homework and studying***no Pinkberry in NC***no Dylan's Candy Bar****everything closing early****no Magnolia or Crumbs cupcakes***the lack of a really good falafel place****no more Fresh Direct deliveries***not as much people-watching****leaving MSKCC***the oppressive NC summer/fall heat***missing my nephew***paying for gas because I'll be driving everyday***the 8 hour drive down****no Dunkin' Donuts down in Chapel Hill

second opinions

So I just got to work about 20 minutes ago, and as usual, went on nytimes.com to see what is going on in the world today, and I saw the tagline about "doctors being divided on Sen. Kennedy's options", namely the surgery he had at Duke. (Which apparently, Mass Gen isn't too happy about, that he chose Duke over them). It turns out that days after receiving the news about his malignancy, Sen.Kennedy got a group of doctors from prominent cancer centers and insitutions together to discuss a possible plan of action - he did the same thing when two of his kids had cancer. You can read the article for yourself here. While, obviously, this is not an option for most of us, I think this highlights the importance of getting a second opinion - or third, or fourth, if that's what it takes. Most doctors - if they're good doctors - will not object to patients getting another opinion, and the really good doctors welcome it. This is your life you're dealing with - no time to worry about "hurting their feelings".
But what got me - and what I suspected, and what an oncologist friend commented on back in May - was that apparently, the glioma Kennedy has is a glioblastoma. This is the most deadly form of brain cancer. I've cared for patients with glioblastomas, and in all honestly, they were all dead within a year; more likely 6 months. This tumor is notorious for growing back after resection, being resistant to chemo and radiation, and it's just a nasty, nasty tumor to have. It's devastating.
And of course, this brings me to the whole "quality vs quantity" debate, and so forth. I honestly don't know what I would do if, G-d forbid, I was in his situation. My first instinct would be that I would do exactly what he is doing - fight like hell and get as many opinions as I could. But I'm not sure if fear would keep me from doing that.
At any rate, it's an interesting article, and one I think worth reading.

gratuitous picture of my nephew! plus, a letter....

my nephew Trey, back in the spring

So, I was cleaning out my desk here in NY (or trying to, anyway) and going through folders, and I found a note that I wrote to my nephew on his birthday - his first birthday, this past April. I was lucky enough to be able to to fly up to NJ for it. I really wanted to be there, since I was there when he was born, too. I thought I'd post it, and maybe one day, when he's older, he can read the copy my family printed out (because they print out my blog, apparently). 

Trey. My dear, sweet, beautiful baby nephew. 

Today is your first birthday and I am so glad to be able to come up North to see you. I was there when you were born, and I knew that I would never be the same. Ever. My brother looked terrified, my parents looked dazed. And I was in love. I thought you were the most perfect thing I'd ever seen, and I was so happy you were healthy. 

I STILL can't believe that you're actually here. And I know that must sound funny, but it's true. I never expected to be an aunt at 27 - more than likely, I grew up thinking I'd be a mom by now - but this is perfect. While you're still too young to talk, let me tell you a bit about the past year. The first few months, when you cried, I'd drive you around the neighborhood, and you LOVED the song "Sweet Child O'Mine", the Sheryl Crow version. You like the Guns n' Roses version, too, but not as much. You would stop crying the minute I put that on and started singing to it. You smiled when you were only a few weeks old - and I know people will say it was gas, but no way - you've always been such a happy, happy baby. When I babysat you overnight, I just watched you sleep - I could watch you sleep all night. When I fed you, the minute that bottle came out of your mouth, even to burp you, you'd burst into tears. And you had this little problem of spitting up most of your formula all over people after eating. I can't tell you how much laundry I did because of you.

I look at you now and see a little boy, which just boggles my mind. You're growing up so fast. You're headstrong (like your aunt), you have these big, beautiful brown eyes (like your mommy), and you love animals already (like your daddy). Any day now you'll start to walk, one foot in front of the other, and we'll all be with you, taking it day by day, step by step. We might fall, and it won't be easy, but it'll be worth it.

As I write this, I have to say - I don't know if the birthday gifts I give you will ever compare to the gifts you've given me in just a year. I love you very much, baby. Words cannot describe how lucky I am - how honored I am - to be your aunt.

Love you boo. 

the never-ending weekend

This was my room at the Summit. The bed was a pillow-filled oasis.

This was the Summit, obviously. 

Lance. (Who, FYI, stayed at my hotel with Kate Hudson this weekend). 

Me, stranded in the Midwest, thanks to storms in the Northeast. 

So. I am back in NY, and I am SO thankful for that. This past weekend was not a good idea, for the most part. It started with my flight to OH being delayed for hours, and I missed the Town Hall with McCain. To top it all off, I was sitting in the middle of high school lacrosse players who were coming back from Europe and were in that post-exhaustion obnoxious stage of travel. Good times. 

So I get to OH, finally, and decided to order room service - pizza - which was amazing. Things just taste better when they're ordered through room service, I decided. Then I met up with my friend Laura for a drink. I met Laura at the last Summit. 

Friday, the first day of the Summit, I have to say, I was nonplussed. It was basically a bunch of review stuff and Advocacy 101. And we were told, much to my horror, that research funding "wasn't a problem". Well, I'm glad THEY think so. My group was nice, and I actually met a girl who lives 5 minutes from me in Carolina, and works at UNC Hospitals. I had to travel all the way to OH to meet her! 

This whole time, I'm coughing up a lung, second-guessing my choice to travel. I finally had my doc call in a Z-pack to OSU's campus during the summit and I snuck out of my session to go pick it up. Saturday I was too sick to move out of my great king-sized bed. 

Sunday rolls around, and we're in the airport, and after waiting 4+ hours, all flights to NY were canceled because of the weather. So we got put up in a hotel nearby, and I met this amazing, neat woman who works in the city with art and medicine/healing. 

And this morning, I hop on the plane at 6:25 am, get back to nyc, and have the insane cab driver take me to 92 and Lex via Central Park West - yes, somehow, we ended up on the other side of the Park, and when I asked him why we didn't just go up Madison, the best he could tell me was "I have no idea." Sweet. 

The conference.....I haven't sorted out how I feel about the Summit just yet, and I was talking to R last night at the hotel about this. It was a very different experience going to it now, as compared to 2 years ago. Maybe because of me, maybe because of the LAF; most likely a combination of the two. I just really can't get into the whole "my cancer was worse than yours" game, or the "I'm a better advocate than you" game. I don't like the Army and battle metaphors, and I lose patience with those for whom cancer becomes a professional identity. Does that make sense? What I mean is, you're a cancer survivor? Wonderful, I am truly thankful and happy for you. But if you allow it to supersede everything else you are and everything else in your life.....maybe there's something more going on. And that was just one thing that started to get to me this past weekend. The camaraderie was wonderful, as it always is at LAF events, and everyone was very nice and it was a supportive place, and I met some truly amazing people, and for that, I am happy I went. Will I go to another LAF event anytime soon? I'm not sure. Not because I don't like them (quite the opposite, they've been wonderful to me), but because I think what I can gain from them has shifted to the next level, as a natural occurrence from my experience at MSKCC and otherwise. 

In sad news, I do want to mention the passing of two people who died before they should have. Katie Reider, a musician, was 30 when she died 2 weeks ago of a tumor that took away her ability to perform and even talk. And Randy Pausch, the "last lecture" professor from Carnegie Mellon, passed away on Friday, sadly, of pancreatic cancer. This is why I do what I do - because it is getting harder and harder to hear about and accept news like this.

my continuing rollercoaster of a relationship with Manhattan

This is a map of Manhattan, and all the different neighborhoods. Technically, I live in Yorkville, which is part of the Upper East Side. I used to live in Morningside Heights, which, technically, was on the Upper West Side. People here are very territorial about their 'hoods. It's a NY thing. 

I've been sick for the past few days, too busy coughing up my lungs to post anything. But hopefully I'm on an upswing here, in time to go to OH tomorrow for the LAF Summit. I decided to go because my friends from i2y and the LAF brought up a good point - I'm going to see THEM, and if the LAF isn't bringing awareness to AYA cancer issues, then who will? We will. So we're all going to wear our "Stupid Cancer" t-shirts and be subversive and give AYAers a voice. Good times. And, of course, I can't wait to see everyone again! Plus, the eye candy that is Lance. 

2 weeks from today is my last day at MSKCC, and I am really sad about it. I think that this has been the best job/internship I have ever had. I absolutely, truly love what I am doing, and I hate the thought of leaving. I've wanted to work at MSK for so long, and now that I am, I don't really want to give that up just yet! Maybe at some point in the future, I will have the chance again. I sure hope so, because I am inspired every day to keep doing what I do. But on another level, I am ready to leave NY.....and I never, ever, ever thought I'd say that. Really. But honestly, why would I want to pay this kind of rent when I could own something in Chapel Hill for much less per month? And have it be twice or three times the size? I think the only way I'd come back to NY would be either for a PhD program or working at MSK - and even then, I'd probably live in Brooklyn. I know, something else I thought I'd never say. 

Signs that it's time to leave NY:

- you lose touch with what's going on outside the borough and your world shrinks down to just Manhattan 

- you realize that much of the time, you're dressing like you're going to a funeral - all in black

- you consider it your lucky day if you get a seat on the subway

- you think nothing of paying $7 for a beer - NOT bottled

- pinkberry starts to take on incredible importance

- you give inordinate amount of thought to Magnolia cupackes vs Crumbs - and you actually debate this with friends

- when someone is nice to you, you're caught off guard

But of course, I know that when I get back to Carolina, I'm going to miss the aforementioned cupcakes (even though Carolina Bakery cupcakes are pretty darn excellent), i'm going to go through Pinkberry withdrawal, and I'll even miss the semi-organized, sensory overload chaos that is the city. I can't win. 

Reading: The Big House by George Howe Colt

Listening: Jem, Kerli, Katy Perry, Metric

oh, Lance, I still love you

Looking good, Lance, looking good. 

"For most of my life, I had operated under a simple schematic of winning and losing, but cancer was teaching me a tolerance for ambiguities." - Lance Armstrong

to go, or not to go?

Apparently, Trey wanted me to put this picture on the blog. 

This is me and my roommate, Jessica. 

Shannon (Jessica's friend), me, and Jessica - they're very happy I'm out with them.

I'm debating going to the LAF summit in OH now, because I got the itinerary and I'm really disappointed because they really sold out - just a lot of reasons I don't feel like getting into it now. But long story short, for all their work with AYA issues, there are NO AYA speakers, and the chance they had to bring attention to various cancers, they picked a breast cancer survivor - when there's already so much publicity with breast cancer. I just sort of have an icky feeling. But then all my friends from past LAF events were like, well, come to the Summit to see us, and also to spread the message about AYAs. So I'm torn, because would I get more work done if I stay in NY? For the first time, I'm not sure how I feel about this. And I need to figure it out, ASAP. 

my current obsession

 I am obsessed with these top-siders. I love them to death. I wear a women's size 8, if anyone feels so generously inclined to surprise me with them, you can buy them by clicking here.

the choices we make

This is my dad and I, outside of Madison Square Garden. And me, holding my ice cream.

Today was a very, very busy day. And thank goodness it is Friday. I feel like it's been the longest week EVER. I also feel like I've accomplished a decent amount. I interviewed people for the retinoblastoma study, entered data, revised some lit reviews, peer-reviewed an article with my colleagues, figured out a Master's Paper topic and did an outline, and did some serious thinking about what I plan to next fall (2009). 

In lighter topics, I also got the cutest dress at Urban Outfitters - very Marc Jacobs, but actually affordable. I rationalized it by making sure I can wear it to work. It's for school, so to speak. (Mom, Stacey and Clinton would LOVE it!). And I had dinner in the city with my dad and his girlfriend. I am exhausted. So exhausted that we tried to go to Pinkberry for dessert, and I was so tired that I totally made wrong turns and wound up walking us in a big circle in midtown. Good times. So I got some ice cream from a Mister Softee truck instead. 

Anyway.....so....I promised someone I'd write about this, and here it is. In 2006, after I got my MS in health psych, I was supposed to start school in NY in the fall, for psychology again. I was at a friend's house, whom I interned at the hospital with, and she said to me, "Jaime, why are you doing psychology? You're heart isn't in it, your heart is in medicine. You're doing this half-assed, and that's not you." I told her it was too late to change my mind, I'd already paid the deposit for school, I was supposed to leave in a few weeks.....but she was adamant that it wasn't the path I was supposed to take. But it got me thinking, and I realized Elisabeth was right. I loved being at the hospital, I loved oncology, I devoured books on medicine and cancer and women's health, I loved my job at the doctor's office - what was I doing? So 2 or 3 weeks before I was supposed to move, I called the school and withdrew. I decided to stay in NJ, work full time at the doctor's office, and figure out whether I really wanted to do a post-bac premed program or not. I was terrified - for the first time in my life, I had no plan. In some ways, it was a huge relief - I knew, for the most part, my family was not too pleased, but my decision freed me in a way - I had no one's expectations to live up to but my own now. I think I surprised everyone by staying in NJ, even myself. I'd been trying to convince myself for so long that psych was my thing. And don't get me wrong, I do love it - but in a different way....in a more applied, medical way now, I guess. But I do still love my Freud and Jung and Rogers and attachment theory!  But it was also very scary - I had some big decisions to make, and quite honestly, in some ways, it felt like a failure. It took a long time to realize it wasn't; that it was probably one of the bravest decisions I've ever made. 

Anyway, I wanted to babysit as well as work at the doctor's office - I'd always babysat, I loved kids, I'm good at it - why not? So I put an ad on craigslist, and got an email back a few days later. This email said they were looking for a (preferably) full-time, live-in nanny for their 2 small boys, etc etc, and when the father signed his name, Michael, I realized that this was actually the husband of one of the ob/gyns I worked for - but he had NO idea that I worked for his wife Jonel. Out of the thousands of emails on the Web, somehow, the paths crossed. So I emailed him, saying that I think I work for his wife, actually. Long story short, we decided to try it part-time, until they got a nanny. So 2 days out of the week, after work, I'd go to their house and play, make dinner, help with homework, take them to karate, do laundry, etc. It was funny, because although I'd worked on and off for the office for 5 years at that point, I didn't really know Jonel very well, and was really nervous. And sometimes, on weekends, I'd babysit if they went out, etc. I loved it. Mondays I'd help Michael with dinner, then maybe go play a few games of Memory - the kids were adorable, and I really enjoyed their company. There were so many funny incidents that make me laugh just thinking about it. (I'm sure they remember the time B asked me if I "had a 'gina"). Slowly, we got into a routine, and it was nice. Wednesdays, Jonel was on call, and if it (by some miracle) wasn't busy at the hospital, she'd be home, and we'd make dinner or make the bed, and talk about medicine and school. It was actually after a conversation with her that I realized I wanted to go into public health, not medicine. The weeks and months went by, and since there was no full-time nanny yet, I continued to babysit. They were (are) so great - when my car needed to be fixed and I was going to rent a car, they lent me the nanny's car; when I stayed at their house and watched the kids for a few days while they were away and my Jeep was slowly dying, they insisted I use either of their cars, even when not driving the boys around. Jonel always tried to make sure I had some fruit or veggies (esp blueberries, for the antioxidants) with dinner, and Michael knew I loved the veggie lasagna - or as B called it, "pasagna". Michael and the boys and I would talk about college football (Miami and Penn State), politics (well, not the boys so much), current events, everything - even Michael and Jonel trying to hook me up with the boys' karate teacher, lol! It was easy and relaxed and I loved being a part of it. Eventually, after my nephew was born, and after I decided on Carolina, they did find a full-time nanny, and though it made me really really sad, I knew that that would happen eventually. 

It was weird to all of a sudden go home on Mondays and Wednesdays and not hear, "Jaime, jaime! Look at what I made in school!" (C), or "Jaime, can I ask you something? Do you have kids?" (B). It was odd not bantering about politics with Michael or talking and cooking with Jonel. It was even weird not seeing Lizzie, the cat. I'd gotten so used to all of it that its absence was noticeable. When I saw them again after being in Carolina, it was like nothing had changed, and I realized that some people are like that - if you're lucky enough, these people will be in your life in some way, for a while, and make it that much richer. To this day, whenever I see Carnation Instant Breakfast, I smile, and whenever I see a Penn State sticker on a car, it reminds me of them. Somehow, that year in NJ turned out to be really good, and I gained 4 wonderful people in my life because of it. 

 Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends leave footprints on your heart. - Eleanor Roosevelt

the nanny diaries

To all mothers/nannies/dads with strollers, especially the huge SUV strollers that so many people in Manhattan feel the need to buy: other people do not like it when they are hit in the legs with said strollers, clipped on the ankles, having to climb over them like it's "Survivor" just to get out of the subway, getting shoved out of the way to get into an elevator, and having to pull a McGuyver-like move just to get inside your home after the entrances are blocked by a stroller brigade. Don't get me wrong - I'm a nanny (hey Luke, Marissa, and Rachel! Hey Bryce and Chase!), and I understand what it's like to manuver those things. And believe me, I, too, lust after a Bugaboo (the pink Chameleon) and love the kids' BumbleRide stroller and Maclaren. But there's a time and place for your Snap n' Go, and sometimes, it's not here. 

Sorry, I had to get that off my chest - as much as I ADORE kids and love them like crazy, sometimes, I get annoyed when people don't have simple stroller etiquette. Like at least apologizing if they clip your ankle. Or cut you off. Manners, people, manners. 

I  met a medical sociologist at MSKCC today. I'm learning more about medical sociology and medical anthropology, and there's lots of overlap with public health, and so much you can do in those fields. So we're meeting next week to discuss stuff, which I thought was so nice of her. I swear, everyone has been nothing but helpful and nice at MSKCC. I love it. 

In other news, I was asked by Elle magazine to also be a book reviewer for their November issue! Since Oct was non-fiction, Nov is fiction. They just sent me 5 nonfiction to read for the yearly prize, and they're sending me 3 fiction books to judge, and then I'm assuming 5 fiction books for the yearly prize!! Yay! Free books! 

oh - and since I promised him, I wanted to say hi to Michael and Jonel! I miss you guys!

High Point: the aforementioned free books, my favorite soup (Italian Lentil with Pastini) being one of the special soups of the day at Hale and Hearty

Low Point: having a headache that lasted all day, lusting after chocolate M&Ms but never actually going out and getting them

"And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." - Sylvia Plath (one of my favorite writers)

this thing called life....

Today I spent almost 2 hours on the phone with a woman who had bilateral retinoblastoma and had both eyes enucleated (removed) by the time she was 4. And yet she held a job as a clinical social worker, was doing gardening outside when I called her, and pretty much runs her household. Amazing. She was very talkative, and had the best attitude ever. I got off the phone thinking to myself, If I had lost both eyes at such a young age, would I be as happy as she is? Would I find the strength to overcome it and lead a full life, or would I let bitterness and resentment build up and color the rest of my life that way? I'm not sure. Her tenacity amazed me. And I know that, especially at such a young age, sometimes people just forge through, because they don't have any other choice (like Lucy Grealy, in her AMAZING autobiography Autobiography of a Face), but I also know that people get eaten up by their anger and self-pity. And then, at 7pm, I had an interview with a woman who had unilateral retinoblastoma and had an eye removed at the age of 2. She was also really amazing - very funny, and really enthusiastic about the study. I've found that because it's not a "popular" cancer to talk about, those who've survived it are so eager to share their stories and thoughts and experiences - in fact, Wendy, a doctor I worked for and one of my role models, once said to me, "Most people, I think, would love to tell their stories, if they knew someone wanted to listen." So, so, so true. So true. 

High Point: getting the DVD of the Audrey Hepburn movie "Funny Face" for only $9!, finding the UES outpost of Ciao Bella, a place with amazing gelato

Low Point: running out of Diet Coke at  home

"I can be changed by what happens to me. I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

this summer......

I was walking home from the bodega tonight and it was so nice and....neighborhood-like where I live and in that moment, I realized why I still love Manhattan. People still talk to neighbors on their stoops or on the sidewalks, and when you look up at the buildings cutting into the midnight blue sky, it gives you a sense of being part of something much, much bigger. But I definitely could not have done this summer without the help of my family, so I wanted to thank them for the encouragement, phone calls, and support in everyway possible. 

Obviously, my nephew back in December. He makes me laugh if I've had a tough day and reminds me whats REALLY important. 

This is my mom. She's camera-shy. 

This is my brother, Brad - yeah, I can't believe this boy is a father, either. 

These are my 3 grandparents and I at my MS graduation. 

This is my dad and nephew back at Christmas time (obviously). 

There are many other people, too, that have supported me in some way this summer, and I can't thank them all by name - and I'm sure I'd miss some, anyway - but know that I have it all in my heart and I appreciate it more than I can ever say. 

all this before I've had my coffee.....

Stealing Reg's theme of why she fears the federal government, I have to say, I was reading the NY Times online this morning, and this is why *I* fear our government.

There's also an amusing little article on therapy and email, which caught my eye, because there's always so much controversy about that in the psychotherapy world - do we give our email addresses to clients? All of them, including the borderline? Or just those we know won't abuse it and email us with suicidal emails at 4am? The last thing we need is an email threatening self-harm that you don't get until hours later, or an angry, lashing out email in lieu of a productive conversation.

I had a nice thing happen on my way to work - a man actually let me go in front of him when we got off the subway and we were all trying to get down the steps in the station. He was a big, hulking thing of a man, and I was going to let him go in front of me, but he waved me ahead. That was nice. So I thanked him - little things like that sort of renew my faith in people.

frustration

Remember these books when we were little??

If there's one thing I cannot stand, it's rudeness. And I am slowly getting tired of NY's rudeness. Everywhere I go - from the subway to Starbucks to my OWN LAUNDRY ROOM, where someone dumped my wet laundry because *I* was waiting for the person using the dryer to get HER stuff out - but did I take HER stuff out? No. Couldn't this person have waited like, 10 minutes? Geez. I'm so, so, so, SO irritated right now. And it's just kind of grating after a while, the lack of manners and civility. It sucks the energy from you. 

I just downloaded a bunch of Jem songs....here are the lyrics to "It's Amazing"...

Do it now

You know who you are

You feel it in your heart

And you're burning and wishing

At first wait, won't get it on a plate

You're gonna have to work for it harder and harder

And I know 'cause I've been there before

Knockin' on the doors with rejection (rejection)

And you'll see cause if it's meant to be

Nothing can compare to deserving your dream

It's amazing, it's amazing all that you can do

It's amazing, makes my heart sing

Now it's up to you

Patience now, frustration in the air

And people who don't care

Well it's gonna get you down

And you'll fall

Yes you will hit a wall 

But get back on your feet

And you'll be stronger and smarter

And I know cause I've been there before

Knockin' down the doors won't take no for an answer

And you'll see cause if it's meant to be

Nothing can compare to deserving your dream

It's amazing it's amazing all that you can do 

It's amazing makes my heart sing

Now it's up to you

favorite song of the moment

Okay, so I think I'm a bit behind on this song....but it's my favorite song right now. It's Marie Digby's cover of Rhianna's "Umbrella".

crazy times on the UES

oh, Pinkberry, how I love you.

This is Jessi, future WNBAer

I knew there was a reason I never played b-ball

So. An eventful Sunday. After waking up late, I had to do work, so I went to 'Bucks for a while, and then my friend Jessi came over and we had some dinner at Dorrian's Red Hand, which is a bar/grill on the Upper East Side....those of you who are, um, a little bit older, might remember this place as the venue where Robert Chambers met Jennifer Levine back in 1986....the so-called "Preppy Murder". So we had some dinner and then decided to walk around, and then we went to Jessi's favorite watering hole, Ryan's Daughter, where we proceeded to kick butt at basketball and met a Yalie named Henry. After working up a sweat there, we headed to Pinkberry for some heaven in a cup. And now I am getting ready for the week ahead......

saturday

So, I'm wearing a UNC shirt and walking down the hall, and this girl asks me if I go to UNC - and she's wearing a UNC hat. It turns out she's in the journalism school. We had a long convo about how much we missed NC and Chapel Hill and how much we loved our programs. She lives in Carrboro, and it was so great to reminisce about Weaver St and everything. 

I haven't done much today; I've been sort of sick, with cold sweats and such, so I slept most of today, and then ran out to CVS and for food....good times. Tomorrow I think will be a day of catching up on work, Pinkberry with Jessi, and laundry. 

1 in 4

This post doesn't have anything to do with cancer, but it DOES have something MCH-related. The new issue of Glamour magazine, with Christina Aguilera on the cover, also has on the cover the article tagline: Where Rapists Walk Free (Yes, it's in America). Forgive me, but why is that supposed to be so shocking? I opened it up and found that the article was about the Yankton Sioux tribe, and how 1 in 3 Native American women will be raped in her lifetime. This is not so far from the statistic that 1 in 4 American women will be raped in her lifetime. This is not the only place in America where rapists walk free - take a look at our college campuses, the grad school classrooms, the professional sports leagues and any room you happen to be in. Rapists are everywhere, we just don't know who they are. Have we forgotten the Kobe Bryant trial, where rape-shield laws in place for years were broken left and right and no one - not even the feminist organizations - made a peep? Have we forgotten that 2/3 of rape victims know their attacker? The recidivism rates of those who rape are astonishing, and chances are, if an individual has sexually assaulted someone - a stranger, a friend, a date - once, they will do it again. 

This is from RAINN - the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network. This is a wonderful organization that Tori Amos helped create, and they do amazing things. When I was a rape crisis counselor, many callers would tell us they received some form of help from RAINN. 

stellar day

This is my friend Alex. We went to Muhlenberg (my undergrad) together, and at first, we couldn't stand each other - for the entire first year, pretty much. And here we are, 10 years later (can you believe it's been that long since we started undergrad?), I was one of her bridesmaids, and we're still in touch. She was in town for a couple days, and we met for coffee. Good times. 

Today.....today was a very, very, very good day. Most of my days at MSKCC are good. But today, I got to see one of my good friends from Muhlenberg and catch up a bit, and then in the afternoon, I went to the main hospital to listen to a lecture by Rosabeth Kanter. She is a chair at Harvard Business School, written 17 books, and was named one of the "50 Most Powerful Women in the World". She lectured on confidence and becoming a good leader, and she was excellent. It was only an hour and a half lecture, but she was so dynamic and had so many good points - like it's not the talent that matters in an organization, but the talent in the team. If a company has stars in its department, that's great, but a true star who is committed to advancing the team will mentor others, and work with everyone else, and not seek solely their own advancement. That's how I feel my experience at MSKCC has been. I've gotten the impression that the attendings are very eager to help and mentor. Another one of her points was that confidence is simply the expectation of a good outcome. But in order to achieve that outcome, you have to do the work. She used MSKCC as an example. MSK is one of the top cancer centers in the world, and many people here have an abundance of confidence. But they've done the hard work to get here, and continue to do the hard work - the reading of journals, the attending of conferences, of mentoring students and researchers, of pushing their limits - which reinforces their confidence, because they expect a good outcome. And success breeds success. But my favorite thing of all that she said was this: If you look at anything in the middle, it looks like failure. If you look at anything in the middle of doing it, it can look like you're failing - you're not getting the results you wanted, you're failing a test, you're not accepted to the program you want - but you haven't reached the end yet, unless you give up. So true, and we often forget that. I know I do. 

AND, sitting just 3 seats to my left was Eugenie Obbens. She is a neuro-oncologist, and one of her specialties is meningiomas, or slow-growing, "benign" brain tumors. I've read about her, and here she was, next to me!

The only thing that shatters dreams is compromise. - Richard Bach 

High Point: seeing Alex, getting free bagels and pastries from Starbucks

Low Point: paying over $5 for one box of Smart Start cereal

favorite song right now

This is my favorite song of the moment....it's a cover of the song by Jeff Buckley.

I (heart) Starbucks

So, I go to CVS this morning to grab a Vitamin Water on my way to work, and right there on the front doors, there's a big, handwritten sign saying: THE PHARMACY IS OUT OF PLAN B. PLEASE COME BACK TOMORROW. Must have been a busy night in Manhattan last night. It's a good thing Plan B can be taken up to 72 hours after the fact. 

I got the new issue of CURE magazine (Cancer Updates, Research, & Education) last week, and I just got around to reading it on the subway home today. There's an article about women living with metastatic breast cancer, because these women are often not talked about so much. Metastatic breast cancer is largely ignored during pink ribbon events - there's hardly any booths about Stage IV cancer, if any - and support groups are not really geared toward these women, and even other breast cancer patients avoid women with metastatic breast cancer at times, because it reminds them of what could happen. It's true - Stage IV breast cancer, aka metastatic breast cancer, cannot be cured. It can be treated. Managed. Somewhat controlled. The median survival time of these women has usually been between 18 - 30 months after diagnosis, but now patients are living with mets (metastases) longer. The goal then is to keep it controlled as well as possible while still maintaining quality of life. 

No one likes thinking about cancer, let alone metastatic cancer. Not even those of us who work in the field. Standing on the subway, reading this article, I read these words and even I began to feel lightheaded: "...25 percent of women diagnosed with invasive breast cancer [who] later learn that so-called seed cells from the first tumor traveled to another part of the body and set up shop....Indeed, when a woman dies from breast cancer, as some 40,000 will this year, it is almost always a result of the breast cancer taking over one or more vital organs - most often the liver, lungs, or brain...." So nearly a quarter of women initially diagnosed with invasive breast cancer will be diagnosed with mets. My brain is trying to wrap around this and failing miserably. I read this and don't want to believe it. I read this and it is hard not to be discouraged. I read this and wonder who, in my life, will be part of this sobering statistic. A family member? Mentor? Friend? Myself? And then that familiar, desperate feeling of we have to do something now takes over, and I am reminded why I got into oncology again in the first place. So I could do something about this feeling. Some days, though, it's a struggle. 

Also discouraging in this issue is the discussion about pediatric cancer drugs. See, the problem is that almost no new pediatric cancer drugs have been developed in years and years. It is not profitable, so it's not really done. In 2004, the drug Clolar (a leukemia drug) debuted on the market - the first cancer drug in 20 years to reach the pediatric market ahead of adults. Drug companies need big sales, and since by and large, most children are healthy, pediatric cancers are too scarce to be profitable. In dollar terms, it's not worth it. TWO-THIRDS of all meds used in kids - for ANY medical condition - have not been tested and labeled for pediatric use. Last year, the Archives of Internal Medicine reported that 93% of children with cancer receive at least one drug that has not been approved for pediatric use. 

"Psycho-oncology is the only subspecialty in cancer that is involved in the care of EVERY patient at EVERY visit, with EVERY cancer and with EVERY treatment." - James Holland, MD (he wrote like, THE book on Cancer Medicine and yes, he is the husband of the founder of psycho-oncology who is @ MSKCC, Jimmie Holland). 

High Point: my "free iced coffee at Starbucks on Wednesdays" card, finding my Chaco flips

Low Point: the seemingly endless line at Jamba Juice, the rude man who butted in front of me in line at aforementioned Starbucks - and we were THE ONLY TWO in line

I (heart) books

I am reading a wonderful book that I had to share on here. Let me explain.....those of you who know me well know that I am always reading at least one book that's not for school. I love reading, and always have. Almost nothing makes me happier than a day at Borders or Barnes & Noble. In the past few years, I've read a lot of medical books, both textbooks and other non-fiction. The Anatomy of Hope is one of my favorites. I am currently reading a book by a pediatric neurosurgeon who is at Hopkins. Perhaps you've heard of him. Ben Carson. I'd always seen his book on the shelf, picked it up, and put it back down for some reason. My friend David is a pediatric oncologist at Hopkins, and one day he mentioned Ben Carson, and it jogged my memory. So last week, I was at B&N, and Carson's book Gifted Hands was on the table, and it was only $5. He has a new one out, but this is his first book. It tells his story, of how he grew up poor, in inner-city Detroit, and through nothing but hard work and the standards set upon him by his mother, he became the director of pediatric neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins at the age of 33. I am only on page 88, but I have nothing but respect and awe for him already. He writes about how easy it is to make excuses, to blame failures on "the system", or other things - he writes about how he could have blamed others for his circumstances, but instead, he chose a different path. He wasn't given anything - he struggled, it was not an easy path by any means, and he had his share of trouble (who doesn't?) -  and it's really inspiring to read how he made his decisions and the drive he has within him.  

Other books I am reading now: Hospital by Julie Salamon, which details a year at Maimonides Medical Center in NY; Happiness in a Storm: Facing Illness and Embracing Life as a Healthy Survivor by Wendy Schlessel Harpham, and of course, the books I have to read for Elle magazine. (For those of you who don't know, I was picked as one of the readers who reviews books each month for the magazine, and I'm reviewing for the October issue - hey, I get free books!)

High Point: finding my Dunkin Donuts gift card, not tripping up the subway steps

Low Point: cutting my toe open, malfunctioning subway car doors

the cost of time

Today in the NY Times there's an interesting story, and it brings to mind some questions. The story addresses the cost of cancer drugs, especially when the drugs are shown to NOT provide as good of a result as initially thought. Avastin is a drug that is commonly used for advanced breast cancer, colon cancer, and lung cancer, and it can run up to $100,000 a year. Basically, the drug cuts off the tumor's blood supply - but studies have shown that it really only prolongs life by a couple of months, and is actually less effective than it was thought to be when originally approved by the FDA. And yet it is one of the most popular cancer drugs in the world. So here's the question: is it worth it? How do we measure that? Personally? Professionally? Economically? How can we be rational and methodical when we are, essentially, putting a price on life, on time? 

Being in the field and also having had loved ones and friends have cancer, I don't have an answer. At first glance, I might think, yeah, if empirical studies are showing it's not that effective, and the cost is so staggeringly high, it might not be worth just a few months. But if one of my family members or friends - or I - had cancer, would I fight like hell to live and encourage them to do the same? You bet. Would I be grasping at anything to give me a little more time? Of course. But now we get into murkier water - the whole "quality or quantity" issue. I have seen elderly people go through surgeries and chemo when their bodies are already weakened and it's known that there's no curing them. It's a horrible thing to watch. But I've also been on the other side, with the fear and uncertainty and wishing something could be done. So I'm not sure how I feel about this whole issue, with the Avastin and whether it's worth it. How do we put a price on time? 

Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules and have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.  -- Jack Kerouac

Midpoint

My grandmother likes to wear stockings with capri pants. 

My nephew and I. 

Giving Trey a pre-bedtime bottle. Yes, a bottle. 

My mom's dog, Mozzie, who thinks he's a person.

I just got back to NY after a weekend in NJ, dogsitting and babysitting. It's nice to be back in the city - I actually met someone in the elevator who goes to Meredith College (I was wearing a UNC shirt), and I'm running out to get food soon. I have a love/hate relationship with the city, as I think most people do. I always have a feeling of wow, it's great to be home after being out of the city for a day or two - racing up Madison in a cab, looking at all the stores, eateries, parks, I love the fact that I am here. But it's also crazy expensive - more expensive than I remember it being, and my lungs definitely notice the difference pollution-wise. But NY has always felt like home in a strange way - the way NC has come to feel, although NY felt that way immediately. It's like Carrie said, on Sex and the City  - she's "dating" the city. The relationship is a complicated one, but underneath it all, there's love.  

I am halfway through my internship, and I leave the city a month from tomorrow. And in two weeks or so, I go to OH for the LAF Summit on Survivorship, which should be a great time. The time has absolutely flown by, I cannot believe it. I've started calling patients for the Retinoblastoma study, and entering data, and this week, along with attending the Psychiatry Fellows' Core Courses (lectures on various topics 3 times a week), I will be attending a lecture on good leadership. I'm pretty excited for the week ahead of me. I feel like I say that a lot, but it's true. 

it's Wednesday

We love moms and babies!

More good times.

High Point: crossing the street and having a car stop at the very last minute before the red light, and then having a sweet-looking grandfatherly older man curse out the driver. Only in NY. 

Low Point: balancing my checkbook. 

on a lighter note......

This is my friend Jessi. She's happy because she had

 a coconut margarita and Pinkberry. But not together. No. 

My nephew, Trey, being a monkey.

High Point: NOT tripping up the subway steps for the first time since last Wednesday, finding the new Starbucks Mocha Mint Chip Frappuccino Light.

Low Point: Being so tired that I forgot to swipe my MetroCard as I went through the turnstile and slamming into the bar, much to the amusement of the people behind me.