faking it until I'm making it - again.

For as long as I can remember, I've laid my clothes out for the next day, the night before. It saves time in the morning, and in my half-sleep daze, I can just pull whatever on. For some reason, tomorrow I have the urge to wear the craziest thing -- black Under Armour nylon exercise pants, aqua Nike dri-fit v-neck, and my black Ironman thin lycra zip up that says "140.6 Miles of Awesome" on the back. That was my goal. I wanted to do a 70.3 before my 35th birthday. Maybe that's still possible, I don't know. Last year I let my Triathlete and Runner's World subscriptions expire. I just didn't have the time. I'm glad I did. Ever since the beginning of these tremors, I haven't picked up either of those magazines. No, that's a lie. I did flip through a Triathlete, and it made me too sad. I think getting out of the city will help. Once I'm back in Chapel Hill, I can go back to the Wellness Center, start swimming, biking, and walking again, and build my strength up in a place that is familiar and medically safe.

Right now, I feel like a phony even putting on a sports bra. It's hard to believe, to remember those days where I would voluntarily wake up at 4:30am, go swim laps, get dressed for the day, go to A&P lab, do freelance work, then go to class. I remember every day and night, that feeling of calm that swept over me the minute I entered the Wellness Center. Like I belonged. The smell of chlorine and sweat and muscle cream. I remember the first time hearing my knees crackle as I walked down my steps. I had to buy joint salve, the tingly kind. No one warned me that I shouldn't shave before I put it on. So not only did I smell like a pine foresty old man, but my knee areas were pretty much on fire that first night I used it.

I wore my rubber Ironman watch 24/7 - no need to take it off. My RoadID was right above it. The constant chlorine smell of my hair was comforting. Slowly, I forged tentative friendships with older people at the gym who were also in the tri club. They helped draw me out of my shyness. I had a place there.

All this is to say that wearing simple nylon sportswear is like, a big deal for me for some reason. I haven't worn any really, since the tremors started. But I miss the girl who did. I miss the girl who went running in the woods with her running group twice a week. I miss the girl who watched old Kona Ironman specials and got chills every single time. I miss the girl who, even when exercising or doing sports, coordinated her Nike outfits and preferred running skirts to shorts. I miss the sound of ground and leaves crunching under my feet as I run on the trails. I miss my running coach, Mimi, who made me think I was a runner. I miss the girl who actually, seriously considered entering the Kona lottery but didn't have the extra money to spare to sign up. I think she's still in there. I just have to find her and get her stronger. No, I know she's still in there. Because I haven't yet heard the words shouted over the loudspeaker, "Jaime, YOU are an Ironman!" But I will. If I have to crawl to and across the finish line like Julie Moss did in 1982, I will.

30 Before 40.

So it's settled. I will be attending Columbia for their nonfiction MFA in the fall. *deep breaths*. I just mailed my deposit, and unlike when I lived in nyc before and mailed my PCOM deposit, I am not going to run back to the post office and ask them to fish the letter out of the mail bin so I could have it back. My choice was pretty much made for me, since UNC rejected me, thankyouverymuch, which I still don't understand. And wouldn't you know, I come home to an email about an oncology freelance writing job here in NC. sigh. I just have to have faith that it will work out. Somehow, in the end, it will work out.

I'm a big listmaker. Since turning 30 in December, I've been feeling a little bit like time is slipping by, unnoticed until another year has passed. I'm not upset about turning 30 - I think this will be the best decade yet - but there are things I want to do before I am 40. So here's my list, of 30 things I want to do before I turn 40.

1. Get a book deal and get published.

2. Go back to Israel.

3. Visit Italy.

4. Finish a half-Ironman by the time I am 35, and a full Ironman before I am 40.

5. Run a marathon.

6. Get married.

7. Become a mother.

8. Visit Prague and Croatia.

9. Pay off a good portion of my student loans (although, with Columbia.....not sure how likely that will be).

10. Run the NYC marathon.

11. Start a psychosocial oncology writing therapy program at a major cancer center (besides Sloan-Kettering, who already has one and that I'll be volunteering with come fall).

12. Get my ACSM personal trainer certification, finally.

13. Read Ulysses by James Joyce.

14. Read a good portion of the "classics".

15. Learn Italian.

16. Start practicing yoga routinely. For real.

17. Visit California and my friends Jessi and Carrie.

18. Be the best aunt ever to my nephew Trey. :)

19. Maybe race the Kona Ironman (if I get in by lottery).

20. Meet Molly Barker, the founder of Girls on the Run. We've emailed and we're Facebook friends, but I have yet to meet her.

21. Get something published in The New Yorker.

22. Own a Balenciaga motorcycle bag.

23. Try skiing.

24. Come back to Chapel Hill to live.

25. Visit Niketown - THE Niketown, in Oregon.

26. Resting when I need rest and listen to my body, to avoid future injuries.

27. See Tori Amos in concert.

28. If the Stones go on tour one more time, see them in concert.

29. See Madonna in concert.

30. Be healthy enough to do even more than I thought possible in my 40s.

gym musings.

I was able to rejoin my gym this month; it was something I desperately needed for my rising stress level, self-confidence and my aching foot. The pool helps strengthen my left leg and foot, which is something I really need. But the gym does more than strengthen my body; it strengthens my soul, as cheesy as that sounds. If I've had a hard day, I can go to the gym and accomplish something I set out to do. On bad days, the gym feels like the one place I am successful, the one place where I am good at what I do. I feel at home in the gym. Even just walking through the parking lot, I can feel myself calm down and mentally prepare for my workout. Returning to the gym has been good for me in other ways. Freelance writing is a solitary pursuit. I have no coworkers or workplace. It's nice to go to the gym, see the regular workers there and see fellow tri team members and personal trainers that I'm friendly with. (And of course, Dan, aka "gym boy"). It makes me feel like I belong there.

I've always been an athlete; as a child I was a gymnast, then did karate and cheerleading. In high school I played Varsity tennis, ran winter track and threw javelin (that was short-lived and I sucked, but whatever). In college I played rugby. I'm lucky in the sense that I build muscle easily, so I'm able to see results fairly quickly.

I love the quivering-leg feeling after a 25 mile bike ride as I walk to the locker room. I wear the sweat stains on my tank top like a badge of pride. It is after a workout that I feel most attractive, because I feel strong and capable and proud. Maybe because I know what it's like to not feed your body right. In college, my nutrition was less-than-good. Looking good took precedent over being strong and healthy. I couldn't play a set of tennis back then if I wanted to, I would get so fatigued. But now.....now, I don't take it for granted. I am proud of what I can do and appreciate my health and fitness.

But the gym also brings my limitations front and center. My foot is sore every day. I still don't walk "normally," and I cannot run for more than 2 minutes at a time. I am still figuring out a running gait, and after a treadmill workout, my foot is sore for days. I cannot participate in brick workouts my tri team does, because I can't run the mile or two involved. (The lake swims are another story, but I don't have a speed suit/wetsuit). I watch the people running on the track with envy; I'm surprised I don't burn holes in their backs with my stare. Changing out of my shoes, I see my ugly scarred and bruised foot, and walking in my slides in the pool area, I am very conscious of how I walk.

It's frustrating. You have no idea what living with chronic pain/discomfort is like until you're living it. It's exhausting. It's upsetting. If I squat to look at something and somehow land/bend my left foot, I see stars, it's so painful. The strength difference between my two feet/legs is something of which I am always conscious. I just have to keep reminding myself that it supposedly takes a full year for recovery, and I had TWO major invasive surgeries on my foot in less than 6 months, which caused further stress/trauma to my body. I have to cut myself some slack and realize that, really, it's been a little over five months since the last surgery. Three and a half months out of the boot. I have to adjust to this "new normal." Would I do the surgery again? Of course. I had no choice, really. This was the right surgery, and my surgeon and his team were awesome. I guess I just underestimated recovery time.

140.6.

I am watching the 2010 Kona Ironman that I DVR'd yesterday. I have watched past Kona Ironmans and other Ironmans, but there's something special about Kona. There are the pros, but the majority of the competitors are just like you and me, regular age-groupers. It is these competitors that make the race so darn inspiring. This year, there was a woman who walked the entire marathon with a BOOT on her foot. Yes, a boot - just like the one I wore for nearly 6 months this year. She had a stress fracture. She was able to swim, had a bike shoe, and put the boot on for the marathon and walked it. WOW. Or Lew Hollander, the 80 year old triathlete who has competed in more than 20 Kona Ironmans. Watching Kona always brings tears to my eyes. Yes, really. It reminds me why I fell in love with triathlon. Because it's all about identifying your limits, surpassing them, and finding out that really, you have no limits. You can do so much once you stop placing boundries around yourself.

What was it Henry Ford once said? "Whether you think you can, or whether you think you can't, you're probably right."

playing footsies.

This is the plate and screws that are in my 1st metatarsal.

This is the top view.

This was my foot 5 days post-op.

Okay, so these are pictures from the foot surgery back in September. This was my third foot surgery; the 2nd within less than 6 months.....all on the same foot. For those of you who don't know, this surgery was a first MPJ arthrodesis, or fusion. My bunion had recurred AGAIN, and I was beginning to develop arthritis in my first metatarsal. As a (then) 29 year old athlete, the orthopaedic surgeon was troubled by this, and suggested fusion, which is pretty much the most aggressive surgery you can have for a bunion. This surgery fuses the bones of the joint together, so the joint does not move. The top joint of my big toe bends, but the main one does not. My surgery also involved adding a small piece of cadaver bone to the first metatarsal, and shortening my 2nd metatarsal joint. As you can imagine, this kind of sucks. My gait is off with walking, as I cannot toe-off, and right now, I have no idea how I am going to run again - although my surgeon says this is fully possible. But from what I'm reading online, it's hard. Without proper toe-off, the calf is not as developed or strong, and that leg is not as powerful. Right now, 3 months out from surgery, my toe and foot are still pretty swollen. I have pain every day when I walk, and I favor the lateral side of my foot, which worries me about stress fractures along the 5th metatarsal.

So why am I writing about this? Because for some reason, although I knew the surgery would be hard, and rehab would be long, I thought I'd be "okay" by now. I keep forgetting that my body has gone through two major surgeries, which is stressful. As an athlete and someone who relies on running and triathlon training for stress management, this is super hard. It's hard when you have to get off the treadmill in tears because you can barely manage a mile because the pain is so bad. It's difficult when you feel self-conscious even walking around town, let alone walking at a fast pace for exercise. I basically live in sneakers now, because they're the only thing that feels comfortable and lets me walk somewhat normally.

I'm just a little frustrated. I haven't rejoined my gym yet, so I can't even go swimming, and I feel so out of the loop with training. I want to do the Indoor Tri in February, although I know I will be walking the running part very slowly. But I think - no, I know - my tri club teammates will be happy that I am just out there. They're very supportive of anyone.

I can't even wear my Top-Siders, because my foot is swollen and my toe is all weird. Do you know how hard it is to make sneakers "go" with every outfit? ;)

I'm just really hoping my foot gets better soon.

sweater weather and such

This time of year is the kind I love - sweater weather (I have a better fall/winter wardrobe), scarf weather, crunching through burnt vermillion and butternut squash yelloworange leaves, and drinking hot apple cider.

My foot is healing well. Next week I go for x-rays, but it is coming along, says the surgeon. I have no pain now, which is great....of course, if I walk a lot I have pain, but for the most part, I am pain-free, which is something relatively new for me. Even after the other surgery, I still had pain. I don't know what my gait (both walking and running) will be once I am out of the boot, but the surgeon said that people can still run after a joint fusion, and I am choosing to believe him. I am just anxious to get back to the gym and work out. :)

This Saturday is the most celebrated triathlon in the tri-world - the Kona Ironman World Championship. I am so so SO excited to watch it on television. And if my foot were better, I'd be competing Sunday in my triathlon. As it happens, I STILL have not withdrawn officially. I will be there saturday to pick up the damn race packet, because a tiny piece of my brain is still like, welllllll....even though I know full well I am not swimming, biking or running anywhere any time soon. Oh well. A girl can dream, right?

rainy days and Mondays always get me down....

I thought I had that Carpenter's song on my iPod, but unfortunately, I don't. It would be the perfect song to play today, since not only is it Monday, but it's raining. And I'm feeling down. I had my orthopedic surgeon appt today. Very gross. The skin is breaking down and the top layer of skin on the top of my foot came off. It was so disgusting - you could see the blood below the surface where they operated and everything. It looked like raw, bloody meat. I couldn't even take a picture of it. So he bandaged me back up....oh yeah, and my blisters from my toes and foot being compressed are bursting, which just adds to the attractiveness of my foot. It's making me very self-conscious.

I don't know, today, was just hard. I haven't been able to work much because of the pain meds and exhaustion, which is stressful financially, and I'm nervous about writing programs. I haven't felt especially creative lately, and my brain is just worn out and tired. Add this to the constant agitation I have because I can't get rid of nervous tension physically by running or biking, and that's where I am.

I'm still sad about the triathlon and GOTR. Fellow athletes will understand - going from being very active to not active at all is torture for many of us. When I asked my surgeon today, he said I should be able to run about 9 weeks from now. Which is December.

pain meds ramblings

Things have been rough, recovery-wise. I got my stitches out Monday, but am still taking pain medicine pretty regularly. I get super tired really fast, and tried to do some food shopping today and was ready to burst out in tears after less than 10 minutes of walking around. Don't think that's happening any time soon. Thankfully, I only had to pick up Coke Zero and crescent rolls. I was watching the Women's World Championship triathlon yesterday, until I started to cry after the first 15 minutes. Today I went to Fleet Feet with my roommate, so she could get new sneakers for her half-marathon training...I guess I am a masochist. When I really think about it, I get really upset about the upcoming triathlon. I haven't withdrawn officially yet, because there is a part of me that will continue thinking maybe I will be able to do it until the very morning of. I will pick up my race packet the day before, and I will probably be in some sort of cognitive denial until the morning of the tri. Maybe it's misguided hope or some sort of protective thing.

I can't really write anything meaningful, since the pain medication has been kicking in. I haven't been doing as much writing, work-wise, because of the meds, which is incredibly frustrating and stressful for me.

it's a long road.

I am back at my house in Chapel Hill, on the road to recovery. The pain is still there; I described it today as constant. The medication dulls the pain to the point of me being able to function, but it never fully goes away. I keep saying to myself this is just temporary, this is temporary....it does not always work, but sometimes it does. It didn't help that this week was the kick-off week for Girls on the Run, so I keep getting emails about it....as well as I keep getting emails about the triathlon, telling me I need to change my swim times if need be. I have not officially withdrawn from the tri, and most likely will not. I'll be there the day before, picking up my race packet, damnit. Somewhere in my head I keep thinking, well, maybe I will be better by October 10th. I know this isn't possible. Not even remotely. But I still think it.

It's just, I don't think anyone REALLY thought I would do the tri. I've never done anything like it in my life, and it scared the crap out of me. But through training, I got myself back and fell in love with the sport. I worked my BUTT OFF, and it felt good. I pushed myself to my supposed limits and then surpassed them, and set the bar higher. I found a community of friendly people and was the healthiest I've been in a while. It's frustrating when I've worked so hard and this surgery has derailed my goals. I'm not a D-1 athlete, I'm not a pro. But it made me cry last night, because I really, really, really wanted to do the tri and run across that finish line and be able to call myself a triathlete.

I cope with stress by working out, and I can't do that. I can't even walk at a normal pace. I am getting applications ready, working on my writing portfolio, trying to work up motivation to study for the GREs and working for livestrong.com. Stress is ever present, and I've never wanted to run more than I do now. I cannot wait until I can even swim. I am trying not to be a Debbie Downer; maybe it's the pain meds making me this way. I'm hoping that this spurs my writing and I get some good pieces out of this emotion.

Reading: "someday this pain will be useful to you" by Peter Cameron (a New School MFA author); "the hunger games"; "warrior girls" by Michael Sokolove, about female athletes and injuries.

Listening: the new Anberlin album, "wildflower" by The JaneDear Girls

breaking bones.

I mentioned a few posts ago that my foot surgery needs to be redone. I first had bunion surgery in May 2002, 2 days after my college graduation. Turned out that she had only shaved the bone, which is called a Silver bunionectomy. When I started tri training in earnest this year, my foot was acting up, and the bunion had recurred, causing my pain. So in March 2010, I had an osteotomy. They broke the first metatarsal and rearranged the joint, tendons and ligaments. When I started physical therapy in August, the 2 PTs took one look at my foot, looked at each other, and innocently mentioned that it looked like a "failed surgery." No lie, I cried right then and there. The toe was horribly curved, and I cannot stand flat on that foot; my weight is on the lateral side. I knew they were right. I saw another orthopedic surgeon, one specializing in only foot and ankle surgeries. He agreed that not only has the bunion recurred, but recurred WORSE, and I have developed arthritis in the first metatarsal joints. So I am having a THIRD surgery on my foot on Thursday. They say third time's the charm, right? This surgery will be fusing my bones, lengthening the first metatarsal joint, shortening the second and the fusion will fix both the arthritis and the bunion.

Needless to say, the October triathlon is not happening, the November triathlon is not happening, and I will not be a Coach for Girls on the Run this fall.

Those of you who are athletes will understand this; let me describe to non-athletes what this is like for me. It's devastating. Sure, I'm not a D-1 athlete or a professional. My tuition or my salary do not depend on my athletic accomplishments. But I am an athlete. Always have been, likely always will be. Sports is a stress reliever for me, it makes me feel confident, it makes me healthy and it makes me strong in all possible ways. Going for a run or swim does more than work and exhaust my body; it allows me time to empty my head of all the demons that have taunted me that day - will I get into an academic program, will I get a job, what if I'm not good enough, why is my bank account balance so low, why aren't there any decent guys out there - and it brings me back to myself. I can't explain it any other way. Feeling my muscles burn and work fills me with gratitude that I am able to do these activities and reminds me that my body is an amazing thing that needs to be cared for and fed and listened to. Finishing a 20 mile bike ride or a 3 mile run or a hard swim workout helps me realize that the only limits I have are the ones that I place on myself.

This year, I got into the best shape of my life, physically and mentally. Going to the gym was the one place that I felt at ease; it was the one place that I felt like a success. Like I was good at something. Now that I won't have that after next week, I need to focus on my work, my writing portfolio and my personal statements.

What brought this on, aside from my impending surgery? I'm watching the US Open. Watching tennis always reminds me just how much I love the sport. In high school, I lived and breathed tennis in the spring, summer and fall. I would have my dad drive me to the tennis wall at the high school near my house and spend hours hitting the ball against the wall. When he had the chance, my dad would play tennis with me, and he would hit that ball so hard that by the time tryouts came around, any serves or volleys that these girls had against me felt weak, compared to what I'd been playing against all summer. I developed a not-so-attractive John McEnroe-like habit of throwing my racquet when I was annoyed or not playing well, but I also developed one hell of a two-handed backhand and great serve. In mid-August, before tryouts, going to get my racquet restrung and shopping for new tennis shoes was a bit of a tradition. I'd pack my racquet bag with my racquets, cans of balls, headbands, wristbands, handle grips, vibration dampers for the strings....I'd dissect the games of Steffi Graf, Mary Jo Fernandez and Pete Sampras. I'd debate the merits of white versus blue tennis skirts, and wind up with both.

Because God has a wicked sense of humor, the day after I was told I needed another surgery, the newest issue of Runner's World arrived in my mailbox, and the next day, the new issue of Triathlete came in. I resigned myself to the fact that I would not be running a half-marathon on my 30th birthday in December, as I had wanted to, and that I would not be an "official" triathlete until some time next year. I guess maybe my half-Ironman within the next 2 years may also have to be postponed. The only triathlon in my near future is the Kona Ironman, which I will be watching on television, the day before my would-be first triathlon.

My surgery is on Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year and one of the holiest days of the Jewish calendar. I didn't know this when I scheduled it. Would it have made a difference? Probably not. But maybe this is a sign. Maybe it signifies that the coming year will be a sweet one, because of all the struggles this year brought. Maybe it signifies a new start with a stronger body.

They say that when you break a bone, it heals stronger than before. At least that's what I've heard. I am choosing to believe this. I am choosing to believe that after this surgery, my foot will be stronger than before and I can resume my triathlon training and become even better and stronger and more athletic than I was.

Because the alternative is unthinkable.

women's lib....from a skirt?

When running skirts first came on the scene, I resisted them. I couldn't decide whether I liked them or hated them, and I've come to read on various message boards that that's a common sentiment among women - they love them or hate them. Yes, I love the color pink and make sure I match when I go to the gym, but I also want to be taken seriously and respected. And for some reason, I didn't see that happening with a running skirt. I (obviously) wore a skirt playing tennis throughout high school, but I didn't think it transferred over to running.

But for some reason, it just wouldn't let go. I looked at the SkirtSports website a while ago, and absolutely LOVED the Kendall Collection, since the proceeds helped a cancer charity, but honestly, the stuff is a little pricey and I couldn't see myself buying anything. But then I got a gift certificate to Fleet Feet and NC tax-free weekend is here. So not only was the skirt significantly discounted, but no tax! I settled on a black GymGirl Ultra skirt, their basic, popular model. I tried on other brands - Nike, Brooks - but they were a little short and I wanted something a little longer.

So last night I went to the gym wearing the skirt and a sleeveless Under Armor teal v-neck. Yes, part of me hoped the cute boy at the gym was working, but part of me liked how sporty but girly I looked in the skirt. I decided to try running and see how my foot felt, and let me tell you....running in a running skirt.....as cheesy as this may sound, there's something to it. The skirt swirls around your legs, you can feel it flying behind you, and you kinda feel like a little girl again, running in your dresses. But there's also something that feels slightly....empowering about it. Who says we have to deny any of our femininity in order to be taken seriously? I know, it's ONLY running. But it kind of felt like, okay, yeah, I'm wearing a skirt, but I can still kick your ass. Although, I couldn't really, being that I could only run a half mile before my foot started hurting. (and it's only 2 months and 2 days until the triathlon...). But when I was lifting weights, I found the juxtaposition amusing - me, the only girl in the weight area, wearing a skirt, doing deltoid lat raises, among these meatheads. (although, at my gym, the only meatheads are the college guys, and there aren't that many). But it gave exercise a little bit more fun, and who doesn't want that?

I think I'm a convert to the running skirt.

Bondi Bands and other stuff.

So....I've been hearing a lot about Bondi Bands. They're lycra bands that soak up sweat and keep your hair out of your face. They're relatively cheap ($8) and come in lots of colors, patterns, and sayings.

These are some of the Bondi Bands I am in love with! And the cupcake one is so true.

I volunteered today with race registration for the "Four on the Fourth" race tomorrow, and for maybe the first time in my life, I wished I was running those 4 miles. I cannot wait to get back running. The elliptical machine is NOT the same. You have no idea how much you use your feet until something happens. I haven't walked without discomfort or thinking about it since March. Sometimes I feel like Bambi, when he starts to stand for the first time and is all wobbly. I feel like I still walk very gingerly and with intention; I overthink it in order to not hurt myself. It gets frustrating and discouraging. How on earth did I think I would be running by June? It's now July and....I tried jogging a few steps in my kitchen to try out my new Asics, and yeah, it's not happening. Pain stopped me real quick. *sigh*.

I do like going to the gym though. It makes me feel like an athlete still. Sometimes the gym feels like the only place that makes any sense lately. The one place where I feel good at something. School is still difficult; I am wondering if I can successfully make the switch from social sciences to the hard sciences. These aren't things I can rationally think through and come to an answer; it's a lot of memorization and facts. I can't feel my way through it. It's fascinating and intriguing, but hard as hell. And like I've said before, for someone who has been good at school her whole life, to suddenly have this be a place where I struggle, is hard. I like being a part of Team UNC Wellness, though, and getting all the member emails, volunteer opportunities and monthly meetings. Who knows, maybe sports will enter my life in a bigger way in the future.

orthopedic blues.

So...the rehab journey continues. I saw the orthopedic surgeon on Friday, a week and a half earlier than I was supposed to, because I thought I had a stress fracture in my 5th metatarsal. It hurt alongside the lateral portion of my foot when I walked, and since I've been supinating on that foot since the surgery, I thought I overdid it and stressed the bone. According to x-rays done yesterday, I did not. While that is good news, I also know that stress fractures may not show up on x-rays for a few weeks. But he doesn't seem to think it's a fracture. He thinks that tendons along the bottom of my foot are overcompensating for the way I'm walking and pulling the 4th and 5th metatarsals and causing strain and pain. So he wanted me to go to Fleet Feet, a specialty running store here in Carrboro, and get fitted for a shoe that has a wide toe box, adequate support on my arch to take the pressure off my metatarsals, and cushioning. Well, they were awesome. They measured my foot, took notice where my arches fell, watched me walk barefoot up and down, and brought out a bunch of shoes for me to try. I ended up with a pair of Asics Gel-Nimbus 12s. These babies are sweet. Stable, cushiony, just excellent. I haven't worn Asics since middle school. But these might change me.

However. And there is a big however......my surgeon also told me that I cannot run for at least another 6 weeks, until my next visit with him. Again, my eyes started tearing up. He said it won't be until well into the fall that I will be running seriously. I asked if he thought I'd be able to do the triathlon in October, and at first he said he didn't know. But then he asked the distance, and thought about it, and said maybe. I will crawl across that finish line if I have to. He told me not to forget I am still in the recovery phase, and will be for a while. After all, in addition to breaking the first metatarsal, they rearranged tendons, ligaments and moved a joint. Soft tissue takes longer to heal, with the nerves, etc. *sigh*. Now I know why my rehab from the last bunion surgery wasn't as long or involved. I don't think I was expecting this. He did say I can still swim, bike, and do the elliptical. He also said I can start walking more. But not power walking on the treadmill. Again, *sigh*.

KT Tape, where have you been all my life?

Some uses of KT tape.

Different colors of KT Tape. I'm partial to pink, myself.

I recently came across this kinesiology tape called KT Tape, and I love it. Kinesiology tape is flexible tape that can be used to support and stabilize tendons, muscles and ligaments. It can help prevent injury and speed recovery, and can be worn during any activity, even swimming, for days at a time. I've gotten back into tri training, biking, swimming and doing the elliptical, as well as lifting upper body weights, and maybe it's my nearly-30-year-old body, but my knees are a little achy. Although, my orthopedic surgeon also said that foot problems can throw off the alignment of the knees and hips.....so maybe my foot problems are why I wear the patellar tendonitis bands when I run. Or, uh, ran.

Anyway, this KT Tape is magic. Seriously. And it comes in pink! I apply it to my knee in the prescribed pattern, and it really does alleviate soreness and provide support. I love it.

getting in the zone.

Last night was my first UNC Team Wellness multisport club meeting, and the speaker was a sports psychologist. It was a REALLY great meeting, I met new people, and the speaker was amazing. One of the things we talked about was positive self-talk. He said, "There are plenty of people in the world who are willing to beat you up. Don't be one of those people to yourself." And when it came down to it, all of us have doubts. All of us reach that point that our stomachs are churning and we're nervous. Personally, I am nervous every day, with my science classes and training for this thing called a triathlon. I think to myself every single day, in the pool or studying physiology, what the hell am I doing? Why am I doing this? I am terrified. But he said that being scared means you are accepting a challenge, something you've never done before, and that's AWESOME. Give yourself props for accepting a challenge and doing something new. That alone is something to be proud of. Amen, dude.

Granted, this is just a sprint-tri. I'm signing up for the indoor tri in November, and I'd really like to, years down the road, do a half-Ironman or Ironman. I mean, think about it - how amazing is that, to push yourself to the ultimate? Here's a video about it. I thought that everyone would want to do this, but apparently not! I don't know why I'm so intrigued by it, but I am.

if you let me play sports...

Sports has always been a part of my life. As a girl, I took gymnastics lessons; tumbling and flipping came easy to me. I'd do back walkovers up and down the lawn, practice back handsprings with my friend Nikki, and do flips off the diving board in our pool. In high school, I decided to take up tennis; after one year, I was playing Varsity. Being on the tennis court gave me a sense of peace - running the lines, laps around the court, practicing my two-handed backhand and popping open a new can of tennis balls...I loved it. I still do, although I haven't been on a court in forever. I planned my summers around tennis. Wimbledon would always seem to fall during tennis tryouts. I'd go to morning tryouts, come home and watch tennis and eat lunch, and go back for afternoon tryouts and practice. When I got to college, I contemplated trying out for the team, but was lured to rugby by the promise of parties after every game. Rugby was like no other sport - I would go back to the dorm after a game and party with black and blue bruises from head to toe, exhausted, and as happy as a pig in slop. Playing rugby was a badge of honor, that I was tough enough to play a sport with no timeouts, full body contact and tackling. And now, I have triathlon.

Due to my foot surgery, I am relegated to only swimming right now. But just getting my body moving again has given me back a part of myself. There is a large part of me that identifies as an athlete. It is something I am decent at. At a time when I am struggling in school - something preveiously UNHEARD OF for me - this makes me feel good at something. Most people are really good at something. I've always been really good at school. And when I don't have that, I'm a little lost. But sports makes me feel like I'm good at something again. Gives me a sense of accomplishment. Satisfaction. Even just entering the Wellness Center and locker room, I can feel my body relax, like this is where I'm supposed to be, it's familiar, it's natural. I'm a sports girl. The fact that I am (trying to) study for ACSM certification for personal training so I can work part-time while waiting on nursing school decisions is exciting for me. Unfortunately, I haven't really been able to even look at the ACSM books because of physiology. At any rate, I am getting back to my athletic self, which makes me feel good. As Molly Barker writes, it gets me out of the "Girl Box", those imposed restrictions that tell us we're not pretty enough, or thin enough, or good enough....or simply, enough. It brings me to my self. Which is what we all strive for, right?

tri training

So I've been swimming every day since last Saturday....and it feels great. I absolutely LOVE the Wellness Center, and have gotten exponentially better at swimming laps. I just needed to get back into it. I am more confident about the triathlon, and really looking forward to it. I got a bike and a helmet the other day, although I won't be able to ride until July. There's a peacefulness in the water that I love. I'd forgotten, though, how ravenous swimming makes me, and for the first couple days, I would be starving as I left the gym. Now I pack some trail mix, Gatorade and PowerBars in my gym bag, thankfully, so I won't be hungry on my way home. Gotta keep up my strength!

Seriously, though, I was talking with the head of aquatics, who used to do triathlons, and even he said that my dedication and perseverance in the pool will pay off and I will be back to my originaly strength - if not more so - soon. That felt good. I felt like an athlete again. I have an ad ripped out of Triathlete magazine on my wall that has a bunch of triathletes getting ready for the swim, and it says: It's all about making the start line. THAT is why I love triathlon. It recognizes even the hard work that someone puts into it. It's not all about winning; it's about loving what you do and working hard, and just getting to the starting line. You don't have to win the race, just be a part of it.

keep swimming....

This is the Ironman Triathlon symbol, the "M-dot". One day, I hope to do a half-Ironman, or even a full Ironman.

I got the pin out of my foot yesterday, and have to wear the air cast for another 4 weeks. So today I went swimming at the UNC Wellness Center, where my grandparents have very nicely paid for a month membership, since they have a pool and awesome, state-of-the art equipment. It really is an AMAZING facility, and I'd really like to write a lot so that I can maintain a membership there for a few months, especially leading up to the triathlon (it's somewhat pricey). But I swam in the pool there today, and it kicked my butt. I didn't realize how weakened I'd become since surgery, but I guess after almost 8 weeks of not exercising and not even walking nearly as much as I had been, I definitely lost a lot of strength. It was humbling, and upsetting, and frustrating. I don't like struggling as an athlete, but today I was struggling. It makes me nervous about the triathlon, even though I have 5 months to go. I thought the swim leg would be the one part of the tri that I wouldn't have to worry about, but now I'm wondering. Of course, I can't run until July, according to the orthopedic surgeon, so I'm thinking the run leg might be my most challenging. I am hoping that I have given myself enough time to train.

At any rate, it was really great to be exercising again. It felt natural to use my muscles, and feel the strain in my arms. The water has always been familiar to me; I had a pool nearly my entire life growing up, and I would spend hours swimming laps, diving off the diving board, and playing games with my brother and friends. Being back in the pool today felt nice, although I struggled.

As Dory from "Finding Nemo" said, "Just keep swimming...."

just call me Coach.

Girls on the Run!

Despite the fact that I am still wearing an air cast (surgeon said I should be able to run by July), I just signed up to be a volunteer coach in the fall for an organization called Girls on the Run. It was founded by a woman named Molly Barker (a UNC alum, clinical social worker, 4 time Hawaii Ironman triathlete and recovering alcoholic), and is quite possibly the neatest organization I have ever had the opportunity to work with. The program is a 12 week program for girls ages 8-12, and we will meet twice a week for an hour at a time, doing lessons on self-esteem, body image, healthy choices, and other positive, empowering themes for young girls. At each session, we do some running, and at the end of the 12 weeks, we enter a 5k (3.1 miles) race. Girls this age are on the cusp, they are looking into the "Girl Box", as Molly writes. But think back to when you were 8, 9, 10...before you were worried about not being "pretty enough", or "thin enough", or "smart enough", or "popular enough"....because you knew you WERE enough. Unfortunately, somewhere along the way, many of us fall into media traps of what is deemed "acceptable" for young women today. We get trapped in the "Girl Box", with its strict rules as to what is expected and what is accepted. We learn to be seen and not heard, to speak a little softer. We learn that the media slams women who dare to be a healthy size, rather than diet themselves into nothingness. Sports can change all that. I am so excited to be a role model and help empower these girls to love themselves, and make healthy choices for themselves. Athletics has always been part of my life - gymnastics, tennis, rugby, and now triathlon - and to share that with others is a gift.

I went into psychology because of Mary Pipher's book Reviving Ophelia. Though my life has detoured into pediatric oncology, I still have a strong interest in psychology (as I should, since I have a Master's in counseling), and I think this experience will teach me a lot. I'm sure that these girls will be teaching me, as much - if not more - than I teach them. I'm reading Molly Barker's book "Girls on Track", which gives some background on her own life and the development of the program, and it's pretty amazing.

the journey.

So. It's been 2 weeks today since foot surgery. I am clomping around Chapel Hill in my oh-so-sexy black boot/air cast thing. When thinking about what to wear, it gets kind of annoying. Not to mention I can't wear flip-flops (flip-FLOP, singular?) because it will throw off my balance. I've tapered down the pain meds, especially since I can't really do work, take notes, pay attention, or work responsibly in microbiology lab while on medication like Darvocet. Although the pills are a pretty, preppy hot pink, which makes me happy. :) I am going CRAZY not exercising or running. I have a session with a trainer on Tuesday to get an upper-body lifting routine, so I'm happy about that. But, man, not having exercise as a stress reliever makes me crazy. I've been eating a ton, which does not bode well for tri training. I think I've been involuntarily giving people who are running or biking around campus (and there are plenty, believe me) dirty looks. I'm just so jealous! Lesson learned: Never take mobility for granted. EVER. Believe me, I cannot wait to just "go for a run". But all this will make my finishing October's triathlon that much sweeter.

In fact, this sorta reminds me of why I love triathlon so much, even though I have yet to finish my first one. Ever hear the phrase "it's not the destination, it's the journey"? To me, that's sorta how triathlon is. With this sport, yes, you'd like to place, or win; but it's also just about finishing. Because simply finishing takes commitment, effort and dedication. Finishing a triathlon is something to be proud of in itself, and everyone who does the sport, from first-timers to professionals, recognizes this and encourages everyone else. I think that's what I like most about it. The recognition that yes, it's the journey.