sinking in.

I mailed in my next deposit to Columbia, and am going. Just last week, when I had finally reconciled that I wasn't going to go, everything changed. And now it's a reality, and it's finally sinking in. I moved most of my stuff out yesterday and am in a state of limbo, re:moving, right now. It should be over soon, but I hate living out of duffle bags.....and I think I packed stuff I need. It looks like I will be on a very limited wardrobe for the summer. Awesome.

So now that it's definite, I'm going to start reading more books by Columbia profs. Working at a bookstore makes this easy. I got Sam Lipsyte's "The Ask" and will be reading it as soon as I'm done with this Stegner book I'm really loving, "Crossing to Safety."

But this also brings with it the bittersweet sadness that comes with leaving North Carolina and leaving Chapel Hill. I love it here. I love how so many people who grew up here are still here and all know each other. I love how strangers in coffee shops strike up conversations with you and it turns out you have a lot more in common than you thought. I love how people still wear Crocs here, without irony. And the clear, Carolina-blue skies. I love Friday/Saturday night movies on the Green, and Sunday night music on the Green.

My soul has settled, here in Chapel Hill, and for that, I am forever thankful. But on the other hand, I know that going to Manhattan is where I should be in a few months. I can always return to Chapel Hill.

I can't wait for that day.

endings and beginnings

Today was Muhlenberg's graduation. I remember my graduation from there 9 years ago (my Lord, I can't believe it's been that long) like it was yesterday, right down to my uncomfortable wedge flipflops from J.Crew. I remember the bittersweet feeling I had, knowing my time there was done. They have a great tradition at the school - freshman year, one of the first nights you're there, your RA gives you a card. You are supposed to write yourself a note. You get it back the night before graduation, and it's really a great thing. They do the same thing with a Candlelighting Ceremony.

After graduation, my family and I went out for dinner, at an Italian place, and then I went back to campus, where I spent the rest of the day/night packing up last minute things in my sorority house, and spending the night down the street, at a house where my friends Alex, Kate, Matt and Brian were living. A bunch of people came over, and we spent the night drinking beer, reminiscing about old times and laughing. At one point, late in the night, we decided to walk over to our freshman dorms. We ran into Campus Safety and asked them if they'd mind opening the dorms for us, and they obliged. It was awesome, to go back and see my freshman dorm. The Campus Safety officer showed us the secret staircases the dorm had (it used to be an orphanage, I think), and even offered to take us up in the college's bell tower. I guess they were used to students walking around on graduation night.

The next day, I remember throwing the last bags into my Jeep and driving back to NJ, where 2 days later, I had my first bunion surgery.

Its funny, how sometimes it takes time for you to realize how special things are. I don't think anyone in college realizes what a unique time it is.

Oddly enough, at work today, I heard Dispatch's song "The General", which is an older song, but we listened to that on repeat graduation night.

wow.

So. The last post doesn't even begin to touch what my life has been like in the past few weeks. I had said no to Columbia, because I was freaking out about housing and living costs, you know, the day-to-day. And they came back today with an offer I just cannot refuse. In fact, when I read the email, I was getting a PO Box for the summer and nearly had a heart attack in the post office. I kept rereading it to make sure I wasn't reading it wrong. It's that great. So for sure, definitely, absolutely, positively, I will be going to Columbia in the fall for my nonfiction MFA. I am excited, and more calm than I have been in a while about it. When I said no last Friday, I spent the weekend crying and thinking about what I'd done. I realized I made the decision out of fear and lack of self-confidence. And I didn't want to keep making decisions based on fear. I've done that for so long now, always taken the safe route, kept expectations low so I don't get disappointed......but this time, I'm going balls-to-the-wall, all out, giving it 150% and allowing myself to bask in the fact that they've pursued me and have given me this great opportunity. I've worked too hard for this not to slow down and really appreciate it.

I still have the summer in Chapel Hill, to work and save money (hopefully) and enjoy North Carolina for a few months. :)

There's a reason why Columbia kept coming back, after I kept saying no. I can't help but think I am supposed to be there, and whatever Higher Power there is made sure it would happen - they could have gone to their wait list, but they didn't. I am so grateful for this opportunity. So grateful.