writing icons.

"Those that don't got it, can't show it. Those that got it, can't hide it." - Zora Neale Hurston

So it's been several weeks at this "writing thing" and I feel pretty good about it. Part of me still can't believe that I actually am getting paid for what I do all day. Part of me is also feeling the pressure, since I am finding it hard to motivate myself for writing my personal statements and writing portfolios. I keep waiting for that "flow". But working writers have to write even without the "flow".

I was thinking about an event I attended back in 2005 -- "Great Writers at Barnard", at Barnard College, in NYC. It was a one-day event where alumnae writers from Barnard came and spoke on panels, and there were various breakout sessions you could sign up for. I signed up for a session on finding an agent and publisher, and one on science writing. Natalie Angier, the author of "Woman:An Intimate Geography" was at the science writing panel. I got to the city early, and since I was familiar with the Columbia area, went to one of the Starbucks' near the school. Standing on line, I realized that who should the woman in front of me be, but none other than ANNA QUINDLEN. I was awestruck. Then, walking down a hallway at Columbia during the panel, Jhumpa Lahiri, the author of "The Interpreter of Maladies" passed me. wow. The panel included Ann Brashares, of "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" fame, and other alumnae there that day included Erica Jong ("Fear of Flying"), Edwidge Danticat, Delia Ephron, Nieca Goldberg, Naomi Foner Gyllenhaal (mother to Maggie and Jake), Mary Gordon, Stephanie Klein, Daphne Merkin, Eliza Minot and Suzanne Vega. In an elevator I found myself riding with the special guests of the event, Jonathan and Faye Kellerman. It was an awesome day. That day, though I would never admit it, I probably knew that I would end up as a writer. It was a magical day for me, seeing these people in person. The above quote by Hurston, herself a Barnard alum, is Barnard's motto. I think it's awesome.

Anyway. I will have plenty of time to write even more in the near future. My foot surgery has to be redone. It will be done next thursday, and I am NOT looking forward to it.

falling out of love letter

Dear J.Crew,

I went to the mailbox today and was overjoyed at the sight of the new, thick September catalog. When I perused through it, though, I was sorely disappointed. I've noticed this growing trend toward poorer quality clothes but more expensive prices, as well as increased trendiness, deviating from your classic, preppy roots. Nearly all my sweaters are from J.Crew, most of which are from undergrad. I consider this to be a hallmark of well-made, classic clothes. I have been wearing these same sweaters since 1999, 2000, 2001, etc. They never go out of style and retain their fit and shape, so I found them to be a good investment and well worth the money. After all, if you have sweaters for 10+ years, that's pretty good. I don't see myself getting rid of the sweaters anytime soon, and I know that they will never go out of style because they are classically cut and fit me well. Your new sweaters are full of sequins and bling and asymmetrical zippers, and are just so garish....and you charge two and three times what you used to. Who is buying this? Certainly not me. Not to mention, your autumn palette for the Jackie twinset - a staple for casual and office wear for me - is muted and gross. What happened to pumpkins and cinnamons and rich marigolds? Or pine greens, chocolate browns and candy apple reds?

Oh, J.Crew. I will hold out hope that you will come to your senses and go back to your quality, classic clothes. The clothes that we could buy now and wear for the rest of our lives. Your new catalog is full of trendy, in-style-for-the-minute clothes that many people can't pull off in the office, or even real life.

Get it together J.Crew, or else I'm going to have to find someone new.

Love,

Jaime

dragonflies and butterflies.

You know, ever since I made the decision to write, things have been sort of falling into place. I'm almost afraid to write that, for fear things will start to go wrong. But it's true. It's scary - I don't know what to expect, but I also have this sense of calm that things will be okay. I have dreams every night, with the thread of what are you doing??? You don't think you can ACTUALLY write, do you? Who the hell do you think you are? running through them. I wake up panicked, but feeling excited and inspired. I don't want to sound New Agey or anything, but I think the energy around me is just different - I don't have that constant anxiety of test grades hanging over me, or the sense of failure that I had with science. It's this eerie sense of calm. And though I'm afraid the other shoe will drop, someone said to me that inevitably, it will, because we need both feet to keep on walking.

And to continue the New Agey stuff, ever since I made the decision to write, I've been seeing tons of butterflies and dragonflies. Everywhere. Dragonflies are a symbol of change, of transformation, as are butterflies. I'm sure there's probably a scientific reason for this, or maybe I'm just noticing them more, but it sure seems odd when I'm sitting at a stop light and a dragonfly hovers in front of my windshield.

Of course, perhaps the other shoe has already dropped. My foot surgery might be a "failed surgery". I am seeing another orthopedic surgeon for a second opinion. Needless to say, that wasn't what I wanted to hear from my physical therapist yesterday. And though I was very upset and crying and felt pretty devastated, I know in the grand scheme of things, this is minor. I have my health, my family is well, and my nephew is wondrous. What more could I ask for?

bring on the wonder.

"Bring on the wonder, bring on the song. I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long..." These lyrics from the Susan Enan song "Bring on the Wonder" have been in my head for several weeks now, but are especially appropriate lately. Anyone who reads this blog obviously knows I have been taking prerequisites. While I may love oncology and medicine, science classes do not love me. I can read an oncology textbook and understand it and explain it to you, but basic physiology and microbiology, I just can't do. My brain does not work that way, with rote memorization of endless facts. I gave it two semesters, and after less than stellar grades (and that's putting it nicely), I had to re-evaluate things. I would study and study, and be met with terrible grades....for someone who thrives on positive reinforcement and achievement, it got really demoralizing and discouraging, day after day, week after week.

I've always been a writer. When I was little, I would write stories, books, anything. I was - and am - a voracious reader, and reading and writing has always kinda been my thing. I'm good at writing. Last year, I started writing health articles for websites, and got a cancer blogging job. I've always said that I'd love to be a writer, but it just wasn't "practical". It felt self-indulgent. But as someone said to me last week, if you're not going to indulge yourself, who will?

So I have decided to focus on writing. Will it be hard? Yes. It will be incredibly financially stressful, especially in the beginning, but I have faith that it will all work out. Does this mean I am abandoning oncology and my past education? Of course not. I'm still looking for cancer research positions, and one way or another, I will remain in oncology. Who knows, maybe one day I will write a book for kids with cancer, or for parents whose child has cancer.

A large part of me was choosing nursing because it was PRACTICAL. There are tons of nursing jobs. But I wasn't passionate about it. Passionate about cancer? Yes. Nursing? No. I've been fighting being "creative" for so long, because it just seemed "flighty", or impractical, or whatever. But maybe I'm just a creative person at heart, under all this logical science stuff. I was creative as a child; we all are, to an extent -- where do we lose that, along the way? Ever since I made the decision to focus on my writing last week, I can't stop smiling when I talk about it. It's scary as hell. But in a good way. It's simultaneously terrifying and thrilling, all at the same time.

So what does this mean? I am buckling down and really focusing on producing a set number of articles each day....after all, that's my income. I'm looking for writing opportunities and research positions. And.....looking at MFA programs, so I can get a teaching job in higher education. I know you don't need an MFA to be a writer. But it helps with teaching jobs, especially at the college level, and it does open doors and facilitate connections, which is how the world works. I'm looking at a variety of programs, mostly non-fiction, including one medical-science writing one.

Right now, the MFA program doesn't feel like the be-all, end-all. I can do many things right now, and I'm keeping my options open, while still focusing on and allotting significant time to writing. I'm following my passion and talent, as ridiculous and scary as it may be. And you know what? I haven't felt this passionate, this excited, about my life in a long time. I haven't felt wonder at the possibilities like this in ages.

So life isn't turning out the way I, and many other people, thought it would. But I think it may be turning out exactly how it's supposed to.

"Show me someone not full of herself and I'll show you a hungry person." - Nikki Giovanni

women's lib....from a skirt?

When running skirts first came on the scene, I resisted them. I couldn't decide whether I liked them or hated them, and I've come to read on various message boards that that's a common sentiment among women - they love them or hate them. Yes, I love the color pink and make sure I match when I go to the gym, but I also want to be taken seriously and respected. And for some reason, I didn't see that happening with a running skirt. I (obviously) wore a skirt playing tennis throughout high school, but I didn't think it transferred over to running.

But for some reason, it just wouldn't let go. I looked at the SkirtSports website a while ago, and absolutely LOVED the Kendall Collection, since the proceeds helped a cancer charity, but honestly, the stuff is a little pricey and I couldn't see myself buying anything. But then I got a gift certificate to Fleet Feet and NC tax-free weekend is here. So not only was the skirt significantly discounted, but no tax! I settled on a black GymGirl Ultra skirt, their basic, popular model. I tried on other brands - Nike, Brooks - but they were a little short and I wanted something a little longer.

So last night I went to the gym wearing the skirt and a sleeveless Under Armor teal v-neck. Yes, part of me hoped the cute boy at the gym was working, but part of me liked how sporty but girly I looked in the skirt. I decided to try running and see how my foot felt, and let me tell you....running in a running skirt.....as cheesy as this may sound, there's something to it. The skirt swirls around your legs, you can feel it flying behind you, and you kinda feel like a little girl again, running in your dresses. But there's also something that feels slightly....empowering about it. Who says we have to deny any of our femininity in order to be taken seriously? I know, it's ONLY running. But it kind of felt like, okay, yeah, I'm wearing a skirt, but I can still kick your ass. Although, I couldn't really, being that I could only run a half mile before my foot started hurting. (and it's only 2 months and 2 days until the triathlon...). But when I was lifting weights, I found the juxtaposition amusing - me, the only girl in the weight area, wearing a skirt, doing deltoid lat raises, among these meatheads. (although, at my gym, the only meatheads are the college guys, and there aren't that many). But it gave exercise a little bit more fun, and who doesn't want that?

I think I'm a convert to the running skirt.

book review.

As anyone who knows me can attest, I am a book lover. I always have my head in a book, even when there's a million other things to do. Always have been, always will be. I carry books in my purse (I like big bags) and steal minutes of reading on the bus. When I was little, I'd bring a book to dinner if we went out to eat and would read until our food came. So needless to say, I've read a lot of books. But every so often, I come across a book that completely draws me in, to the point that I forget I'm reading and the characters come to life so vividly that it's like I'm watching them instead. Meg Waite Clayton's book The Wednesday Sisters is one of those books.

The Wednesday Sisters follows five young women - Frankie, Linda, Kath, Ally and Brett - starting in the 1960s. Each character is so richly developed that you identify with all of them in a different way. They all come to find that they love reading and writing, and form a writing club called "the wednesday sisters". As any writer will tell you, writing is an intensely personal act. It's akin to peeling back your skin to show your insides - it leaves you vulnerable. Through their writing and shared struggles as mothers and women, they forge bonds of friendship, and ultimately, of family. I finished it on the plane ride back to North Carolina - it took me 2 days to read - and I had to blink back tears as I finished it.

So why are you still reading this blog? Go out and read this book!