living and love.

How cute is this??

I'm going up North in a few days and cannot wait to see my beautiful nephew! Sometimes I marvel at how we got so lucky to have him. He really is an amazing, thoughtful, loving little boy. My mom told me that when they were at Blockbuster last week, he saw the little toys they have there and threw a fit and refused to leave until they bought Aunt JJ something. I just melted when I heard that. And wouldn't you know it, he picked something Hello Kitty. I love Hello Kitty. How Trey knew that, I have no idea. I certainly have never told him. But that's him, full of surprises. I am so happy and thankful to be his Aunt JJ.

Being that I recently blogged about this, both here and on sheknows.com, I figured I'd mention that this week's New Yorker has an excellent article by Atul Gawande on end-of-life care in America. He writes about the same themes I, and other articles, have touched on - how much is enough, when do we decide to stop, medicine's reluctance to admit defeat, etc. I really think we need a whole new way of looking at illness and death and hospice and living. How that should come about, I have no idea. It's a process, I guess, and different for everyone. But I think many aspects are universal - dignity, quality of living, chances to say goodbye and say what you need to, etc.

"The idea is to write it so that people hear it and it slides through the brain and goes straight to the heart." - Maya Angelou

one day in September.

I just finished watching "Remember Me"...and if you haven't seen it, warning: this blog post might spoil it for you, so if you don't want to hear about it, don't read this! :)

It's set in New York, and watching it, I was struck once again with that feeling of GodImissManhattanremindmewhatI'mdoinghereagain. Much of the movie is set around NYU, and I remember taking my Psych GREs there my first time living in the city, touring the social work school there, eating cupcakes outside at Magnolia (before they became huge) and watching basketball at the West 4th courts. I miss the Upper West Side and Morningside Heights, and sitting on the steps at Low Library at Columbia; I miss the carousel in Central Park and all the different Starbucks' I used to frequent, from the one near West 4th near Bigelow's to the two near my old apartment [a classic 7, no less], to the one on W.82 to the one near my office at MSKCC. And Oren's Coffee Shop orange brioches from Balthazar, running through the subway to dash onto the train at the last minute before the doors close and meandering through the Union Square Greenmarket.

In these respects, Chapel Hill just isn't measuring up.

Don't get me wrong. I love how the people at the co-op in my neighborhood (yes, actually in the neighborhood proper) know me, know how I like my coffee, and even grab me fresh bagels from the back. I love how even the kids - or most of them, anyway - in my neighborhood are actually mannerly and say hi if you pass them on the sidewalk. I love how the kids ride their bikes to the elementary school in my 'hood (yes, again, in the 'hood proper) and just lean their bikes on the rack outside. I love the smallness of the public library and the fact that I run into people I know all the time at the gym, in my 'hood, at Whole Foods.......but sometimes this Northern girl needs some city time.

Anyway. Back to the movie. At the end, the main guy, Tyler, goes to his dad's office to meet with him. They've finally started to reconcile and things are looking up. Tyler's sister is at school, and the teacher writes the date on the board, September 11, 2001. And I feel like anyone who lived near NY back then, their hearts clenched when they read that. I know mine did. Tyler's dad is running late because he took the little girl to school, and is on his way to the office. Tyler walks over to the windows and then the camera pans out and looks in from the outside and pulls back.....and he's in one of the Towers. And then the screen goes black. When it comes back on, you see people running, looking up at the sky, and you just know.

9/11 is my generation's JFK assasination. We all know where we were when we heard or saw. We all have our 9/11 stories. Just like, for a certain cohort of UNC students, we all know how we heard about Eve. Ironically, I was studying the other day with a classmate of mine who grew up in California, and only recently moved to the East coast, and she said to me, "I know you probably get asked this all the time, but you lived near NY during 9/11, right? What was that like?" And as we both shared our versions of that day, I realized that yes, her experience was very different. Very similar, but also very different. It was 5:30 in the morning there. She wasn't getting ready for class and watching it unfold. She had no family in the area, knew no one in NY or who worked in the towers.

Watching "Remember Me" knocked the breath from my lungs and brought hot tears to my eyes. Because I remember the frantic dialing of the phone to my cousin, who worked at the WTC. Because I remember everyone's cell phone was dead, that my school had to set up a command center of landlines to accomodate everyone calling their parents and family. I remember the midday prayer service on the campus's front lawn that warm, clear blue-skied Tuesday, and the vigil later that night.

I remember, two years later, when I moved to Manhattan, the city-wide moment of silence at the time the first plane hit. Time stopped, traffic stopped; the city was still palpably grieving. I remember going to Ground Zero with flowers and thinking how odd it was to be staring at a mass grave. Walking in the Village one night, I found myself walking past St.Vincent's, and they still had the "missing" posters from 9/11 under glass posted under the overhang. Looking at those fliers, I wondered, as I still do, when I think of that day, if any of those people had a premonition of what was going to happen.

Or if, like me, they woke up and marveled at what a beautiful Indian Summer day it was going to be.

100 Things.

I can't remember if I've done this, but lots of other bloggers have done the whole "100 things about me" post, and since I am taking a study break and relaxing, figured I'd do it, too.

1. I'm addicted to caffeine.

2. I am a very proud aunt.

3. I spoil my nephew too much, but I don't care.

4. I like vanilla better than chocolate.

5. My favorite Starbucks drink is a venti, skim no whip gingerbread latte.

6. I also love when they have their holiday red cups. Seriously. It makes my day.

7. I wear flip-flops even in the winter.

8. I never tuck my jeans into my Uggs.

9. This is because I don't know how to make them fit.

10. I am pretty shy, which gets misconstrued as snobbishness.

11. But once you get to know me, I don't shut up.

12. I am fiercely protective of those I care about.

13. My lucky number is 13.

14. Loyalty means a lot to me.

15. I was never a Girl Scout.

16. This is because I thought the uniforms were ugly.

17. I have never heard anyone else use this explanation.

18. I like androgynous names.

19. It took me a while to realize my own name was such.

20. I was named after Jaime Sommers, the Bionic Woman.

21. Thank goodness, because my dad wanted to name me Brandy, and I'm just not a Brandy-girl.

22. I love the winter.

23. I don't get a lot of winter in NC.

24. But in the middle of winter with no end in sight, I always wish I were living in Miami again.

25. Although humidity tends to give me a Jew-fro.

26. My allergies have gotten worse as I've gotten older.

27. I read way too much.

28. I like to read medical books, especially oncology.

29. duh.

30. I used to nanny and miss it very much.

31. I drive too fast.

32. Writing is my passion.

33. I met Lance Armstrong twice.

34. He's kind of an ass.

35. My favorite donuts at Dunkin' Donuts are strawberry frosted, glazed, and blueberry cake.

36. I love pumpkin anything.

37. I can't - and therefore don't - cook.

38. I am totally okay with this.

39. I hope my future husband is, too.

40. I love marshmallow Peeps.

41. I've been told I make the best mix cd's.

42. I think I do, too.

43. I went to Israel 4 years ago and miss it every day. It felt like home.

44. I'd like to go to Italy, sooner rather than later.

45. I'd also like to go to California, Prague, Hawaii, Croatia and Greece.

46. I can speak French and Hebrew.

47. I'd like to learn Arabic.

48. I tried to learn Spanish and it was a disaster.

49. I played rugby in college.

50. I love telling people that and then seeing their reaction.

51. I was a gymnast when I was little, and quite good at gymnastics.

52. I had no fear when tumbling.

53. I played tennis throughout high school.

54. I have a tennis crush on John MacEnroe.

55. Maybe because when frustrated, I used to throw my racquet, too.

56. I am doing my first triathlon in October.

57. And my second one in November.

58. In the next two years, it is my goal to finish a half-Ironman. This is a 1.2 mile swim, 56 mile bike, and 13.1 mile run.

59. In my lifetime, I WILL finish a full Ironman.

60. Even if I am crawling across that finish line.

61. I even belong to a multisport/triathlon team.

62. I had bunion surgery twice. On the same foot.

63. Needless to say, that foot is pretty ugly.

64. I'm still rehabbing from surgery, and it takes everything I have not to go running.

65. But being that even walking causes pain and soreness, this isn't an option.

66. Because I have breast and ovarian cancer in my family, I plan on having my ovaries taken out in my mid-40s/early 50s.

67. No, I don't think this is overreacting, thankyouverymuch.

68. Breast cancer I could deal with. But ovarian cancer deals with YOU. And you typically lose.

69. Love, love, love Pinkberry.

70. I also love cupcakes.

71. What's with everyone else loving cupcakes recently, too?

72. My favorite beer is Stella Artois.

73. And I bet I could drink you under the table.

74. Although it's been a while since I've drank.

75. Which is probably a good thing.

76. When my nephew calls me "Aunt JJ", it sounds like the best name in the entire world.

77. I would move mountains for that kid.

78. He can make me cry just by saying "where you at, Aunt JJ? I miss you."

79. I once drove into a building. A Rite Aid pharmacy, to be specific.

80. I hit the gas instead of the brake. Hey, it happens.

81. Miraculously, my Honda escaped without a scratch.

82. The building was not so lucky.

83. It never went on my driving record!

84. I now drive a Jeep Liberty.

85. It's my 2nd Jeep, and I will never drive anything else if I can help it.

86. I have 2 Master's degrees.

87. But with one parent having 2 Master's degrees and the other parent having 2 Master's and a doctorate, this is kind of par for the course.

88. And I am hoping to get a second bachelors - a BSN.

89. Yes, I am an overachiever. How did you guess?

90. Meeting Jimmie Holland, the founder of psycho-oncology, has been the highlight of my life so far.

91. Interning at MSKCC was the best experience of my life.

92. I miss it everyday.

93. I lived in Manhattan twice.

94. This fall I will be a Coach for Girls on the Run, and I'm super excited!

95. I love candy. Any kind, but especially gummy candy.

96. Chapel Hill is my adopted home.

97. I still get a thrill writing "Chapel Hill" as my address.

98. yup, I'm a huge nerd.

99. But if you lived here, you'd love it too.

100. Pink is my favorite color.

weighing in.

Quick, how much do you weigh? How many calories have you consumed today? What do you see when you look in the mirror?

If you're a woman, you likely know the answersto the first two questions. As for the third, that's between you and your reflection. But as someone who has paid particular attention to the first two for years, I feel the need to comment. I realized how far I'd come when my roommate was talking about how she's gained 5 lbs and is upset, etc. I asked her how her clothes fit, and said that numbers mean nothing, that how your clothes fit and how you feel is a much better barometer of health.

I wasnt always like this, believe me. In college I was part of a sorority that was known for its "pretty" girls - although we also had the highest GPA year after year, but somehow that paled when compared to our looks. Was there pressure to look good? Of course, but I think that was prevalent on the whole campus. I will say, though, that I went from a size 10/12 to a size 2 in less than a year, and hollowed out my bagels for the remainder of college. It was years before I ate a full bagel, with the insides NOT scooped out. I never met the criteria for an eating disorder, but I definitely had disordered eating. But then again, so did every one of my friends. Unfortunately, this continued for years, although to a lesser degree as time went on.

The past few years have been great for me. I love North Carolina, I feel like I am finally finding my way (most of the time), and I feel healthy. But the 8 or so months has been the most transformative.

When I made the choice to train for the triathlon, I knew that I would have to give up much of my restrictions on various foods. I knew that I would have to eat more to sustain that level of activity. But in my heart, I knew it was the right choice for me. And so I ate. I ate peanut butter, nuts and grains, fats, carbs -- and started training. And lo and behold, my weight has evened out and I honestly, honestly, honestly, don't think about what I eat to the degree that I did. My main focus is getting the nutrients I need for my workout and training schedule. And since I have started training, have I gained weight? I honestly don't know the answer. I make the conscious choice not to weigh myself; I don't even have a scale. I know that muscle weighs more than fat, and I have been lifting weights and training and building muscle. I know that I look leaner. But I also look powerful and athletic. At least, I think I do. I wear tight yoga pants and crops to the gym because I know that I'll bust out with a 20 mile bike ride there and feel good about my body as I walk back to the locker room. Standing in front of the mirror in the weight area, my focus isn't on my hips; it's on my biceps as I curl the weights, seeing visible muscles contracting.

And if someone doesn't like what they see? Too bad for them. I'll kick their butt at the finish line.

Is this simply a product of getting older and maturing? Maybe. Is this a product of training for an endurance sport that I never dreamed I would do? Maybe. Or maybe it was simply time to stop wasting brain power and energy on fitting into a number, on fitting into what the beauty myth dictated I should be. Seriously. How much energy are women putting into getting thinner, when they could be thinking of ways to cure ALS? Or help little kids? Or succeed at their schoolwork?

It's not easy. I know this. But I also know that the rewards are sweeter than any number on the scale or size jeans you fit into.

oh, Manhattan...here we are again.

I was looking through some old writing of mine, and found an entry from October 2007, right after I found out I would be interning at MSKCC that coming summer. It took my breath away, because reading it, I could feel how excited I was to return to Manhattan. And if I really thought about it and admitted it, as much as I love Chapel Hill, I do miss Manhattan. If I were offered the right job, I would move back. Here's what I wrote:

....I just got an internship in nyc for the summer, which I am SO psyched about, but now I am wondering where I will live...maybe I just need to chill about that for now, and simply enjoy the fact that I got my dream internship at my dream job place, and I will be in the city I love for 8 weeks, doing what I love. I can go to Crumbs and Magnolia and Bloomingdales and Scoop and Searle, and Barnes & Noble in Lincoln Center and walk down Central Park West and people-watch at Columbus Circle and walk around the village and eat falafel and subway hop and go to Dylan's Candy Bar and The Ginger Man. I can complain about how crowded the 6 is and how sweaty NY summers are. I can walk around Soho on a Sunday and play in the Apple store and try perfumes at Sephora and browse for things for my nephew at the Scholastic store. I can peruse the magazines at the awesome newsstand near my old place in Morningside Heights and go to Duane Reade at 2am if I want to. I can order groceries from Fresh Direct and get bubble tea on the Upper West Side. I can walk around amongst the noises of the city and traffic and people and life and feel like I am in the heart of the world, the blood flowing through my veins so loud I can hear it, like there's no other place that matters. I can't wait.

Reading that, can't you just feel how much I love that city? How much that place also feels like home? I never had to "get used" to New York. When I first moved there to go to Columbia, it felt like home. I was never nervous about wandering the city or subways, and it felt filled with endless possibilities. I still feel that way about it. I thrive on the anonymity there. Funny, because here in Chapel Hill, especially in my neighborhood, it's impossible to be anonymous. I guess there are some places that will always feel like home to us. For me, it's Manhattan, Chapel Hill and Israel. When I left Israel, I was - and still am - homesick, on a visceral and spiritual level.

Anyway. I guess what also triggered this was I found some old papers from Teachers College (Columbia) about Nursing Education/Exercise Physiology/Health Education programs there. I don't know why I kept them....but I did. hmmm.....

Bondi Bands and other stuff.

So....I've been hearing a lot about Bondi Bands. They're lycra bands that soak up sweat and keep your hair out of your face. They're relatively cheap ($8) and come in lots of colors, patterns, and sayings.

These are some of the Bondi Bands I am in love with! And the cupcake one is so true.

I volunteered today with race registration for the "Four on the Fourth" race tomorrow, and for maybe the first time in my life, I wished I was running those 4 miles. I cannot wait to get back running. The elliptical machine is NOT the same. You have no idea how much you use your feet until something happens. I haven't walked without discomfort or thinking about it since March. Sometimes I feel like Bambi, when he starts to stand for the first time and is all wobbly. I feel like I still walk very gingerly and with intention; I overthink it in order to not hurt myself. It gets frustrating and discouraging. How on earth did I think I would be running by June? It's now July and....I tried jogging a few steps in my kitchen to try out my new Asics, and yeah, it's not happening. Pain stopped me real quick. *sigh*.

I do like going to the gym though. It makes me feel like an athlete still. Sometimes the gym feels like the only place that makes any sense lately. The one place where I feel good at something. School is still difficult; I am wondering if I can successfully make the switch from social sciences to the hard sciences. These aren't things I can rationally think through and come to an answer; it's a lot of memorization and facts. I can't feel my way through it. It's fascinating and intriguing, but hard as hell. And like I've said before, for someone who has been good at school her whole life, to suddenly have this be a place where I struggle, is hard. I like being a part of Team UNC Wellness, though, and getting all the member emails, volunteer opportunities and monthly meetings. Who knows, maybe sports will enter my life in a bigger way in the future.

orthopedic blues.

So...the rehab journey continues. I saw the orthopedic surgeon on Friday, a week and a half earlier than I was supposed to, because I thought I had a stress fracture in my 5th metatarsal. It hurt alongside the lateral portion of my foot when I walked, and since I've been supinating on that foot since the surgery, I thought I overdid it and stressed the bone. According to x-rays done yesterday, I did not. While that is good news, I also know that stress fractures may not show up on x-rays for a few weeks. But he doesn't seem to think it's a fracture. He thinks that tendons along the bottom of my foot are overcompensating for the way I'm walking and pulling the 4th and 5th metatarsals and causing strain and pain. So he wanted me to go to Fleet Feet, a specialty running store here in Carrboro, and get fitted for a shoe that has a wide toe box, adequate support on my arch to take the pressure off my metatarsals, and cushioning. Well, they were awesome. They measured my foot, took notice where my arches fell, watched me walk barefoot up and down, and brought out a bunch of shoes for me to try. I ended up with a pair of Asics Gel-Nimbus 12s. These babies are sweet. Stable, cushiony, just excellent. I haven't worn Asics since middle school. But these might change me.

However. And there is a big however......my surgeon also told me that I cannot run for at least another 6 weeks, until my next visit with him. Again, my eyes started tearing up. He said it won't be until well into the fall that I will be running seriously. I asked if he thought I'd be able to do the triathlon in October, and at first he said he didn't know. But then he asked the distance, and thought about it, and said maybe. I will crawl across that finish line if I have to. He told me not to forget I am still in the recovery phase, and will be for a while. After all, in addition to breaking the first metatarsal, they rearranged tendons, ligaments and moved a joint. Soft tissue takes longer to heal, with the nerves, etc. *sigh*. Now I know why my rehab from the last bunion surgery wasn't as long or involved. I don't think I was expecting this. He did say I can still swim, bike, and do the elliptical. He also said I can start walking more. But not power walking on the treadmill. Again, *sigh*.