bring on the wonder.

"Bring on the wonder, bring on the song. I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long..." These lyrics from the Susan Enan song "Bring on the Wonder" have been in my head for several weeks now, but are especially appropriate lately. Anyone who reads this blog obviously knows I have been taking prerequisites. While I may love oncology and medicine, science classes do not love me. I can read an oncology textbook and understand it and explain it to you, but basic physiology and microbiology, I just can't do. My brain does not work that way, with rote memorization of endless facts. I gave it two semesters, and after less than stellar grades (and that's putting it nicely), I had to re-evaluate things. I would study and study, and be met with terrible grades....for someone who thrives on positive reinforcement and achievement, it got really demoralizing and discouraging, day after day, week after week.

I've always been a writer. When I was little, I would write stories, books, anything. I was - and am - a voracious reader, and reading and writing has always kinda been my thing. I'm good at writing. Last year, I started writing health articles for websites, and got a cancer blogging job. I've always said that I'd love to be a writer, but it just wasn't "practical". It felt self-indulgent. But as someone said to me last week, if you're not going to indulge yourself, who will?

So I have decided to focus on writing. Will it be hard? Yes. It will be incredibly financially stressful, especially in the beginning, but I have faith that it will all work out. Does this mean I am abandoning oncology and my past education? Of course not. I'm still looking for cancer research positions, and one way or another, I will remain in oncology. Who knows, maybe one day I will write a book for kids with cancer, or for parents whose child has cancer.

A large part of me was choosing nursing because it was PRACTICAL. There are tons of nursing jobs. But I wasn't passionate about it. Passionate about cancer? Yes. Nursing? No. I've been fighting being "creative" for so long, because it just seemed "flighty", or impractical, or whatever. But maybe I'm just a creative person at heart, under all this logical science stuff. I was creative as a child; we all are, to an extent -- where do we lose that, along the way? Ever since I made the decision to focus on my writing last week, I can't stop smiling when I talk about it. It's scary as hell. But in a good way. It's simultaneously terrifying and thrilling, all at the same time.

So what does this mean? I am buckling down and really focusing on producing a set number of articles each day....after all, that's my income. I'm looking for writing opportunities and research positions. And.....looking at MFA programs, so I can get a teaching job in higher education. I know you don't need an MFA to be a writer. But it helps with teaching jobs, especially at the college level, and it does open doors and facilitate connections, which is how the world works. I'm looking at a variety of programs, mostly non-fiction, including one medical-science writing one.

Right now, the MFA program doesn't feel like the be-all, end-all. I can do many things right now, and I'm keeping my options open, while still focusing on and allotting significant time to writing. I'm following my passion and talent, as ridiculous and scary as it may be. And you know what? I haven't felt this passionate, this excited, about my life in a long time. I haven't felt wonder at the possibilities like this in ages.

So life isn't turning out the way I, and many other people, thought it would. But I think it may be turning out exactly how it's supposed to.

"Show me someone not full of herself and I'll show you a hungry person." - Nikki Giovanni