Sugarland, summer adventures, and medical musings

I am sick of buying cards for people because of cancer. I am sick of hearing that people I care about are getting surgery because of more rogue cells. I am getting tired of the heartbreak, of the helpless feelings, and of the non-answers the medical community has to give so many of us regarding cancer. But I also know that those IN the medical community are just as frustrated.....because, dare I say, I am one of those people. I have my MS, my MPH, I've been with the LAF and i2y...I think maybe I can say that. And maybe that's why this is such a double-edged sword for me. Part of me wants to bury my head in the sand and just not think of cancer ever again, but a bigger part of me wants to learn everything I can about it and DO something about it. It drives me to push myself toward more. 

It's been a busy week....in the span of 4 days, I worked over 40 hours babysitting - although, most of the time, it didn't feel like work, since these kids are awesome. I got to spend time at the pool with them, got tan/burned, went to Sugarland, one of my favorite places here in Chapel Hill, went to Starbucks with them, and had many domestic adventures, to say the least. But I came home every night, exhausted and worn out. And I'm trying to put together my schedule, but it's incredibly frustrating. And the financial aid stuff is stressing me out......I had somewhat of an internal breakdown the other day, because I thought, what in G-d's name am I doing? Can I really do this? Really? Is this all a big mistake??? And you know what, I'm terrified. I miss NY, I miss working at MSKCC, I'm scared of these science classes.....but I know that if I don't at least give it my best shot, I will always wonder, what if....and I'm sick of wondering that. I'm sick of regretting things. As Wayne Gretzsky once said, you always miss 100% of the shots you DON'T take. This is a journey....one that I am not familiar with at all,  and one that will be challenging. I've never really truly had to work at schoolwork. But I will have to work my butt off for this. This stuff does not come easy to me. I haven't been challenged like this before, and I think it will be good for me. 

I'm reviewing books again for Elle magazine, yay! I just got a shipment from them for the year-end prize thing, but I'm reviewing books for their October issue, but haven't gotten those yet. I'm looking forward to it. 

This weekend will be filled with moving and packing. I HATE moving. Always have. I want to settle down somewhere......but probably won't for a while. 

I've been thinking a lot about last summer in Manhattan. As I was there, I knew that it was an amazing summer. I knew what a great opportunity it was. Heck, I still carry around my MSKCC lanyard in my bag for luck. I miss it every day. If offered a job there, would I take it? Possibly. I would really give it considerable thought. I loved every day there. Is it worth paying exorbitant amounts of money to live in NY? maybe, for a short time. I do love it there. 

I don't know. I've never had so many emotions and thoughts and things pulling me in so many directions before. I don't have any easy answers here....I don't have any answers, actually. Does this make me uneasy? Of course. Do I feel untethered and ungrounded? Yes. But I have to have faith that the universe is unfolding as it should.....I just have to have blind faith, I think.