A year ago tomorrow was my first day at MSKCC. I remember I was so nervous. It was wicked hot that day, and my heart was pounding so hard I thought it would explode out of my chest. I had been waiting for this for so long, and I was finally about to start my much-anticipated practicum at MSKCC. I was so intimidated by everyone there and how smart they were and how amazing the place is....I mean, for me, this was it. I mean, this was it. I had wanted this for 5 years, and here it was. And it didn't disappoint, I can tell you that. Jennifer, my attending, was (is) amazing, Rika and Dara were so much fun and brightened my day, Susan helped me even when I asked her a million questions, and everyone there was so willing to help and assist people and talk with you, even if you were a lowly intern. I met my idol, Jimmie Holland, and loved, loved, LOVED having an mskcc.org email address. Every day, coming out of the 96th st subway after my day at work, I'd be on the phone with my mom or dad, invariably telling them what an amazing day I had had. It was a lot of work, and I didn't want to let my supervisor down, and it was intimidating in the beginning, but it confirmed for me that I was in the right field, oncology. Cancer, day in and day out....and I loved it. I worked on the weekends, I read journal articles at night, I did lit searches after work.....and I honestly loved every minute of every day I was there. I miss it. So why is there such hesitance when I think about maybe returning there?
And if I do get in to the post-bac at UNCG, can I really handle organic chem? And physics? And biology? When I think about it, I'm excited (I know, huge dork)....and I haven't been this excited since last summer. Especially after not really being proud of myself for the MPH, this new feeling renews my hope. It renews my purpose. It feels right. In my heart, science and medicine feels right. It has taken me a while to get here.....and to trust myself, my instincts, the voice inside my heart....but I'm here now.
And isn't that what really counts?
3 comments:
I hope the voices in your heart are music to your ears....love you forever. Wherever your journey takes you, I'll be there.....MM
Personally I've kind of had a love hate relationship with the whole heart searching thing. Maybe some would say that's part of the point of it ... dunno ... I'm not currently interested in the risk of achieving enlightenment about the mysteries of this existence.
I usually just get too perplexed with it all being so big and stuff. Maybe that's why people write and talk about heartish stuff so it doesn't seem too big to handle finding. If you can handle searching for complex stuff like your heart then a little physics and biochem will be easy for you to get through.
I think you will manage to be wonderful regardless of which life finds you. Just don't miss too many of the smiles along the way. I think your life experiences have probably already given you incredible heart. The difficult beautiful search is what you will do with it.
Don’t forget the heart in each day and the days that got you there. Don't ask me how though cause as mentioned it’s not really my thing much. Although if admittedly I don’t really know much about this searching stuff, then why I’m am I bothering writing this silly drivel? Well I guess I just have too much time on my hands between jobs and I’m addicted to the hope that the cyber salvation of spewing forth attenuated visions of better will be enough. The real question is why are you still wasting moments of your life reading this twaddle. :)
While you are so close to a peds onc center maybe you should ask one of the docs if you could shadow one of them for a day or two. I think Dr. Jaroscak or Dr. Blatt would be a great one day mentor. Maybe ask also to shadow a fellow for a fresher view. Definitely ask for an inpatient day to balance with the hard stuff too.
I agree with you that … being here now … that’s what really counts … or so some silly Kool-Aid drinkers seem to say. For me it’s not so much reaching what I’m searching for but more what I have left inside when I get there.
Sorry I don’t have answers just random words tainted by memories of my own archetypal need to search. You’ll find your own answers along your way, for better and worse through the hard way of living them. Trust that you will accomplish incredible things even if you can’t always find enough love for all that you have already done getting there.
Follow your heart and be proud of what heart you already have.
Best wishes
Always
“If you have butterflies in your stomach...
ask them into your heart.
If your heart catches in your throat …
ask a bird how she sings."
~Cooper Edens~
“You are the music while the music lasts.”
~T.S. Eliot~
Luke, thank you so much for your comment.....I needed that today. And actually, I know Dr.Blatt well. She was one of my readers for my thesis, and she's been incredible to me the past 2 years. :)
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