it reminds me of....

I love when something seemingly innocuous brings me back to another time or place or event. Don't you? Like I was washing my face with J&J Clean and Clear, and for some reason, it smells a lot like Noxema, and that fresh creamy scent brought me right back to theater camp in middle school, and washing my face with it to remove stage makeup after a show; when the biggest things on our minds was getting a speaking part and nailing our dance routines. My very favorite shirt in the entire world is a Ralph Lauren Polo Sport navy blue and pink striped rugby shirt. I got it in 2002, when I lived in Ft Lauderdale, from the Sawgrass Outlets. I remember the first time I wore it was at a library orientation for the psych doctoral students....and my friends and I snuck out, like we were prisoners breaking free from the library, and went to a bar for afternoon beers. The stripes on the shirt are sewn together, not merely printed on, and it's still a favorite of mine, 8 years later. The Indigo Girls song "Devotion" reminds me of early summer in Manhattan, right before I left, walking along the streets of the Upper West Side with my brand-new iPod (this was when they first came out), listening to it. And of course, "Allentown" and "Glory Days" brings me back to undergrad, drinking clandestine beers in our dorm rooms, dancing and screaming the lyrics, and laughing like there was no tomorrow. Right before I left NJ to come down to NC, I kept listening to Kate Voegle's "It's Only Life"; I can remember leaving Jonel's house after saying goodbye to the boys and crying. When I hear "One More Dollar" by Gillian Welch, it reminds me of listening to music on the green last summer with Lauren. When I hear "Jerusalem of Gold" or the Israel national anthem "Hatikvah", it brings me right back to Tel Aviv, where I heard Hatikvah and stood at attention before the Israeli flag, or the Old City and eating falafel. And whenever I hear "Carolina in my Mind" by James Taylor, it always makes me so incredibly, ridiculously happy that I live in Chapel Hill. Music, for me, is especially sensory. It can lift my mood, comfort me, inspire me and push me another mile on the treadmill. Here are some of my faves...this idea was taken from the blog Jewish Girl in Wasp's Clothing. :)

Songs that make me:

want to knock back a beer, put on a "going-out shirt" and dance all night: "You Shook Me All Night Long", byAC/DC...."Livin' on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi...."Glory Days" by Bruce Springsteen...."Money Ain't a Thang" by Jay-Z..."Not a Player" by Big Punisher...."Start Me Up" by the Rolling Stones... "Alcohol" by BNL...."Gold Digger" by Kanye West.

ignore the burning in my legs and the fatigue and run another mile: "Ali in the Jungle" by The Hours...."Everytime We Touch" and "Evacuate the Dancefloor" by Cascada..."Eye of the Tiger"..."Lose Yourself" by Eminem...."Tik Tok" by Ke$ha..."Miami" by Will Smith.

want to throw an 80s party: "Take On Me" by A-ha..."Billie Jean" and "Smooth Criminal" by Michael Jackson..."Gloria" by Laura Branigan....any song by the Beastie Boys...."Pour Some Sugar on Me" by Def Leppard....."Like a Virgin" by Madonna...."Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake..."Love is a Battlefield" and "Hit Me with your Best Shot" by Pat Benatar.

want to get married, right now: "Father and Daughter" by James Taylor (for dad-daughter dance)...."At Last" by Etta James..."Moondance" by Van Morrison...."If I Should Fall Behind" by Bruce Springsteen..."Because You Loved Me" by Celine Dion...."When You Say Nothing At All" by Allison Krauss.

roll down my Jeep windows and bang on the steering wheel while singing along: "waiting, watching, wishing" by Antigone Rising..."Right Kind of Wrong" by LeeAnn Rimes..."Express Yourself" by Madonna...any Paramore song..."Hollywood" by Gossip Grows on Trees..."Hold On, Hold On" by Neko Case...."Posession" by Sarah McLachlan...."Flake" by Jack Johnson.

feel better after a bad day: "Break Your Knees" by Flyleaf..."Heal Over" by KT Tunstall....versions of "Hallelujah" by Jeff Buckley, kd lang, and Kate Voegele...."Remember" by Katie Reider...."Crawl (Carry Me Through)" by Superchick...."Warm Whispers" by Missy Higgins...."You Found Me" by The Fray...."Maybe Tonight, Maybe Tomorrow" by Wide Awake.

my nephew's 3rd birthday letter.

I started writing letters to my nephew when he turned one, and have done so for his birthdays ever since. Saturday is his 3rd birthday, and I've written another letter to him. I won't be able to be there for his birthday, but will be there in spirit.

Trey,
Buddy, I can't believe you are three years old. Three years ago you made my life a better one, and I know you will make the world a better place, too. Your unconditional love and spirited nature draw so many people to you, and your laugh could melt even the coldest of hearts. You've named me "Aunt JJ", and when you call me that, it sounds like the best name in the entire world. The things that come out of your mouth never cease to amaze me, and for a little guy, you're pretty observant. (And I was worried you'd never talk! Now you talk all the time!)
Watching you is watching pure joy splash across your face at the littlest things; it's watching your endless curiosity about everything and your overflowing love for everyone. You remind me what's REALLY important in life, and for that, you are my biggest teacher, always.There are so many great memories I have of this year - your love for the color pink, the look on your face when I came home for spring break, your love of Swedish Fish and Scooby Doo, falling asleep to "Baby Mine", and too many more to list.
You are a special little boy, Trey, and I want you to never forget that. So many people love you. I hope you keep your inquisitive spirit, your stubbornness and your determination, and most of all, keep your joy for life and unbridled affection for people.
I can't be there for your birthday this weekend, and it breaks my heart. I hope you understand, buddy. Gmom will give you the gifts I got you, but I want you to know that nothing will ever live up to the gifts you have given me in these 3 short years.

Love you boo.
Aunt JJ

remembering.

I was walking to my car after meeting with my Microbiology professor about a test that I bombed, and I saw a bumper sticker that said Remember who you wanted to be. That struck me, because my teacher and I were just talking about the difficulties I was having taking tests, which she feels stems from my lack of confidence in my abilities regarding the material. And she's right -- I have been so intimidated by these classes. I'm in a new environment, the hard sciences, as opposed to the behavioral sciences, and it scared me. She said I need to believe in my abilities and believe I can do it, that I can be a "gunner" like the others. She's right, I know she is. My family has said this to me many times. I think the issue of self-confidence has been a nagging one especially since last spring, when I did not get into the UNC Health Behavior/Health Education PhD. I mean, that devastated me and totally pulled the rug out from under me. I think it was then that I really began to start to doubt my intelligence, my abilities, and my success. Seeing this bumper sticker made me think, who did I want to be? Not someone who doubts herself, I can tell you that. I have not earned 2 graduate degrees with self-doubt.

This also tied into something that's been nagging me, and I know I've blogged about this before. I love oncology. But geez, could I have picked a more emotionally challenging field? Sometimes it is hard, because cancer is everywhere in my life, personally and professionally. I have a friend whose metastatic rhabdomyosarcoma has not slowed down despite amputations, chemo and radiation; he's going to try a new chemo regimen, but the doctors have had "the talk" with him and his wife. He is 32. I have another friend who has leukemia; he just had another recurrence, despite chemo and a bone marrow transplant. His boyfriend is battling Hodgkin's disease. He was supposed to start a PhD at Stanford in the fall; now he is making videos and writing letters for his younger brother to remember him by. He's 25. I have a family member with end-stage cancer. But then I remember all of my friends who have overcome their cancers, and who are living and thriving.....but it's hard. In some ways, I wish I could be less emotional about it -- but at the same time, I think it's my emotion that illustrates just how passionate I am about the field, and patients can sense that. Patients can sense when a provider is "just doing a job", as opposed to loving what they do. I want to love what I do. I want them to feel my passion for making a difference.

I worked in an ob/gyn office for 6 years and loved it. Sometimes, when oncology gets to be too hard, I wonder if I'd be better suited to being a nurse midwife. Delivering babies. Pink and blue and happiness. Or a women's health NP. But then I remember my reasons for going into oncology, and go back again.

When I remember who I wanted to be, I remember I wanted to be a passionate, determined, never-give-up health educator and oncology person. I wanted to forge connections with patients and make a difference. I wanted to be optimistic and believe in the best outcomes, and believe in miracles. And this is all still possible. I just have to remind myself of that. I just have to believe.

my stuff

There's a section in Vanity Fair magazine every month that is entitled "my stuff", and I thought I'd fill out my own list, mainly because I'm bored and I like making lists.

Where do you live Chapel Hill; homesick for Manhattan

Favorite Artists Keith Haring, Andy Warhol, Georgia O'Keeffe

Favorite Gadget my BlackBerry

Favorite Neighborhood Restaurants in NC: Penang; in NY: Lisca

Favorite Cocktail cliche, but a Cosmopolitan

Shampoo Pantene; Bumble n' Bumble thickening shampoo

Moisturizer Kiehl's SPF 15 facial moisturizer; Neutrogena

Soap Philosophy products

Hair Products Bumble n' Bumble thickening spray, Bn'B antifrizz serum

Jeans Seven for All Mankind

T-shirts my Carolina Medicine shirt or my Hopkins Med shirt...theme here?

Wallet/Money Clip Orla Kiely zip wallet

Sneakers Nike, Mizuno, Puma

Favorite Designer Marc Jacobs

Who Inspires You Jerome Groopman, Joan Didion, Coco Chanel, Lance Armstrong

Favorite Charities MSKCC

Perfect Meal hmm...not sure but probably something with pasta

Favorite Place in the World Jerusalem, Israel

Comfort Food mashed potatoes

Chocolate or Fruit cherries. not a huge fan of chocolate, but if they're chocolate covered cherries, even better

the journey.

So. It's been 2 weeks today since foot surgery. I am clomping around Chapel Hill in my oh-so-sexy black boot/air cast thing. When thinking about what to wear, it gets kind of annoying. Not to mention I can't wear flip-flops (flip-FLOP, singular?) because it will throw off my balance. I've tapered down the pain meds, especially since I can't really do work, take notes, pay attention, or work responsibly in microbiology lab while on medication like Darvocet. Although the pills are a pretty, preppy hot pink, which makes me happy. :) I am going CRAZY not exercising or running. I have a session with a trainer on Tuesday to get an upper-body lifting routine, so I'm happy about that. But, man, not having exercise as a stress reliever makes me crazy. I've been eating a ton, which does not bode well for tri training. I think I've been involuntarily giving people who are running or biking around campus (and there are plenty, believe me) dirty looks. I'm just so jealous! Lesson learned: Never take mobility for granted. EVER. Believe me, I cannot wait to just "go for a run". But all this will make my finishing October's triathlon that much sweeter.

In fact, this sorta reminds me of why I love triathlon so much, even though I have yet to finish my first one. Ever hear the phrase "it's not the destination, it's the journey"? To me, that's sorta how triathlon is. With this sport, yes, you'd like to place, or win; but it's also just about finishing. Because simply finishing takes commitment, effort and dedication. Finishing a triathlon is something to be proud of in itself, and everyone who does the sport, from first-timers to professionals, recognizes this and encourages everyone else. I think that's what I like most about it. The recognition that yes, it's the journey.

not at all like surgery on TV.

My foot, 4 days after surgery, in the air cast.

So, here I am, post-surgery. I am off all pain meds, but am still wondering what the heck I got myself into. I miss running and biking already. At a time when I am stressed with my work and my schoolwork, I could use that mode of stress relief now more than ever, and I don't have that. I am hoping to start swimming in a few weeks, which would help. But I am frustrated and I don't like feeling like an invalid; I like being independent and feel anything but right now. Here's hoping for a fast recovery.

so preppy it hurts.

On a lighter note...since lots of what I write about on here is so serious and about cancer and deep thoughts (...or something...) and life decisions, I wanted to write about a great company that I recently discovered. In today's world, good customer service is hard to find, and when you DO find it, it stands out. Kiel James Patrick is a prep-tastic company that makes handmade bracelets, earrings, keyfobs and headbands. As someone who's worn headbands since before Blair Waldorf made them cool, I'm always on the lookout for new ones. All the materials are local and the items are locally (Rhode Island) made, and you can choose the color button you want on the bracelet. They are really preppy, with whales and anchors and boats and horses aplenty, along with handmade Nantucket rope bracelets with a twist. My friend Carolyn once said that I was "the preppiest person she'd ever met." I chose to take that as a compliment.

But the coolest thing is, I had tweeted KJP after I ordered them to let him know I had ordered one for me and one for my mom, as a thank you for taking care of me for my upcoming surgery, and in the package, he sent a complimentary pair of KJP earrings with a note wishing me well on my foot surgery! I thought that was extremely nice, thoughtful, and not to mention, shows very good business sense. Plus, the boy is seriously hot. He used to be a model. No lie. A good looking guy with brains, business sense, AND manners -- hard to come by, let me tell you. But apparently they do exist. Just in Rhode Island.

the little things.

Much of the time, I am humbled by the work I do, or plan to do one day. Often times I think that just because I'm not "doing" what I want to do 40 hours a week, or I'm not an oncologist or oncology nurse or PhD researcher, I'm not "really" working in oncology....and there are days that prove me wrong. Like today. I gave the LAF survivorship handbook, the NASW Cancer Survival Toolbox cd kit, and LiveStrong wristbands to someone whose husband was just diagnosed with a rare cancer and is having surgery this week. Because she herself is in the helping professions, I debated about giving these to her; I thought she'd have enough "toolkits", etc. But I was wrong - in fact, she seemed quite happy about it and said they were using a manila envelope for all the medical papers/files and the handbook would be useful. And it hit me, once again, how important this work is; to give people tools to navigate through the cancer world; because the majority of people don't have a compass when thrown into that place. Even people whom you might think don't need help, might need help or something "extra". In the end, I'm glad I gave her the tools; even if they look it over and decide not to use them. If it's one less thing for her or her husband to have to worry about, I feel like I've done my job.

This is probably all coming out wrong, and I can't really express what I'm trying to say...but I hope the sentiment comes through. Never underestimate the little things, I guess.

locker room musings

So, as I've blogged about before, I decided to sign up for a super-sprint-triathlon in October, the Ramblin' Rose triathlon series, in Chapel Hill. My friend Carey, who founded Teal Toes, an ovarian cancer awareness organization, had mentioned it to me multiple times before I finally decided to sign up. I've never done anything like this before. It's a 250-yard swim, 9-mile bike ride, and 2 mile run.

Now, I've played tennis and rugby, but honestly, I've never been a runner. Running was like punishment for me. But since the end of January, I've gone from someone who couldn't even run a half mile to someone who can run 2 miles without stopping. For me, that is an incredible accomplishment, and one I am proud of. I've grown to love running, and grown to really crave the stress-reduction a daily run can give me. Like the Nike t-shirt says, "Running never takes more than it gives back." I may dread stepping on the treadmill to begin my run, but by the end of it, I feel refreshed and spent and healthy -- and I never regret my run. I've been biking recently at the gym, which I definitely need to keep working on, and the swimming part....well, swimming has always come easy to me; I did Lifeguard Training in undergrad, so I know I can do the 10 laps. But I'll probably swim a lot during recovery from my upcoming foot surgery.

Anyway, I've been training for this tri, and have really gotten addicted to the sport, though I have yet to finish my first one. I love the idea of pushing yourself to do something you never thought you could do -- and something that most people who know you never thought you could do, either. I love pushing yourself until you hit the wall, and learning just what you're made of. But somewhere along the way, in the short month and a half I've been starting my training, something else happened that, for me, is worth more than I could ever imagine.

Every woman my age has body issues, in some form or another. In college, my sorority sisters and I would hollow out our bagels and put salt on them, because it "tasted like butter" without the calories. The media bombards us with images of what women are "supposed" to look like, and praises thinness above health. Ask any young woman, and I'll bet you anything she's had some body image issues or eating issues -- even if it's just feeling guilty about eating that second or third slice of pizza. But since I've started training, I've come to see food as fuel. If I don't feed my body, if I don't eat well, I don't run well. If I don't eat protein and carbs, I don't have the energy for my workouts and feel pretty crappy. I've started to build my diet around whole grains, nuts, fruits, protein...and I've never felt better. I eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm full, and realize that I eat more now, because I'm much, much more active than I was before. I have come to appreciate my body for what it can do, rather than what size jeans I fit into. Running 2 miles has brought me more self-satisfaction and pride than any number on a scale could ever bring. I have visible leg muscles and feel strong, which is something every woman should experience. I am starting to feel like the athlete I used to be, which is a wonderful feeling. And though I'm having foot surgery at the end of March, I have no doubt that I will still finish the triathlon running.

But in addition to all that, I think it's been a huge change mentally for me as well....making the committment to this tri and starting the training for it has taught me about perseverance, determination, self-confidence and sheer guts. It's taught me about myself, how much I can handle, and what I can do if I put my mind to it and put in the time to work at it. And if this is what I've gained from just the first month and a half, I can't wait to see what the next 6 months brings.

"When anyone tells me I can't do anything....I'm just not listening anymore." - Florence Griffith-Joyner

for KM.

I don't know what it is like to have a husband have cancer. But when you told me your husband was diagnosed with a rare cancer, I saw the pain and fear and questions in your eyes, the determination to be positive and hope for the best; I know these feelings well. It all made sense to me now - the sound in your voice a few weeks ago when you said that there was an emergency, that I couldn't place but knew it sounded so familiar....it was stunned shock. (Is there even any other kind?). I know what it's like to mobilize forces and energy to get everything in place, line up appointments, call the appropriate people, get the second opinions and wait for results. I know the relief at hearing it can be easily taken care of, that it's early stage; and yet I also know the anguish at hearing the cancer is advanced or metastatic, and that treatment is possible, but not cure. I know what it's like to look at everyone else, to look at the world around you and think, how can everyone else's life go on like normal, when mine has completely changed? Don't they KNOW that nothing will ever be the same?? I know the cruel irony of a beautiful warm, sunny spring or fall day while life feels like it's under one big dark cloud. I am intimate with late nights of staying up with the stars because sleep eludes me and my mind won't shut off. I know what it's like to have friends never mention anything or ask questions, when all the while you just want to unleash information and feelings. People have surprised me, in both good and bad ways; I imagine the same with you, too. I don't know what it's like to have children and tell them the news, but I do know what it's like to want to - to need to - be strong for others. It gets easier, it does. And somehow, surprisingly, strength has a way of breeding more strength. I don't know what it's like to work full-time while my life feels like it's in limbo, but I know what it's like to have to study and perform when everything is uncertain. Though I don't know what it's like to have someone be diagnosed with a rare cancer, I know what it's like to have a loved one be diagnosed with a rare *enough* cancer (PPC) that no books are available at B&N on it. I know the feeling of going to the bookstore to find something - anything - to give me information on what I'm supposed to do, what I'm supposed to say, what's supposed to happen.....and just wanting to ask someone about it all.

In an alternate universe, or another lifetime, I would be the one listening to and helping you, instead of the other way around. In any other situation, I'd dip into my stash and give LiveStrong bracelets and the LiveStrong survivorship treatment binders and information or StupidCancer bracelets and pins....

I can't do much in this situation, but I can do this.

Cancer is a word, not a sentence. - John Diamond