remembering.

I was walking to my car after meeting with my Microbiology professor about a test that I bombed, and I saw a bumper sticker that said Remember who you wanted to be. That struck me, because my teacher and I were just talking about the difficulties I was having taking tests, which she feels stems from my lack of confidence in my abilities regarding the material. And she's right -- I have been so intimidated by these classes. I'm in a new environment, the hard sciences, as opposed to the behavioral sciences, and it scared me. She said I need to believe in my abilities and believe I can do it, that I can be a "gunner" like the others. She's right, I know she is. My family has said this to me many times. I think the issue of self-confidence has been a nagging one especially since last spring, when I did not get into the UNC Health Behavior/Health Education PhD. I mean, that devastated me and totally pulled the rug out from under me. I think it was then that I really began to start to doubt my intelligence, my abilities, and my success. Seeing this bumper sticker made me think, who did I want to be? Not someone who doubts herself, I can tell you that. I have not earned 2 graduate degrees with self-doubt.

This also tied into something that's been nagging me, and I know I've blogged about this before. I love oncology. But geez, could I have picked a more emotionally challenging field? Sometimes it is hard, because cancer is everywhere in my life, personally and professionally. I have a friend whose metastatic rhabdomyosarcoma has not slowed down despite amputations, chemo and radiation; he's going to try a new chemo regimen, but the doctors have had "the talk" with him and his wife. He is 32. I have another friend who has leukemia; he just had another recurrence, despite chemo and a bone marrow transplant. His boyfriend is battling Hodgkin's disease. He was supposed to start a PhD at Stanford in the fall; now he is making videos and writing letters for his younger brother to remember him by. He's 25. I have a family member with end-stage cancer. But then I remember all of my friends who have overcome their cancers, and who are living and thriving.....but it's hard. In some ways, I wish I could be less emotional about it -- but at the same time, I think it's my emotion that illustrates just how passionate I am about the field, and patients can sense that. Patients can sense when a provider is "just doing a job", as opposed to loving what they do. I want to love what I do. I want them to feel my passion for making a difference.

I worked in an ob/gyn office for 6 years and loved it. Sometimes, when oncology gets to be too hard, I wonder if I'd be better suited to being a nurse midwife. Delivering babies. Pink and blue and happiness. Or a women's health NP. But then I remember my reasons for going into oncology, and go back again.

When I remember who I wanted to be, I remember I wanted to be a passionate, determined, never-give-up health educator and oncology person. I wanted to forge connections with patients and make a difference. I wanted to be optimistic and believe in the best outcomes, and believe in miracles. And this is all still possible. I just have to remind myself of that. I just have to believe.