Bram Stoker must have known Manhattan parents.

Today was Lindsay's memorial service. I didn't/couldn't go. I had work and didn't plan ahead to ask off and carpool up to Buffalo. Things have just been crazy insane, it feels like, between work, reading, writing, endless fatigue and daily life chores. It's hard to explain. It's been busy.

Manhattan parents, as always, have been a source of astonishment/frustration/disgust/and then some. Can someone, PLEASE tell me the point of smash cakes? They're exactly what they sound like. For a child's first birthday, it's a small cake the child SMASHES and mashes into their face and outfit, while everyone cooes over how cute they are. And people pay top dollar to have custom-made, expensive smash cakes. Then, a dad came into the store with a bag full of Eleni's cupcakes, all frosted and sparkly and personalized Happy Birthday-ed out -- at nearly $50 for a dozen, he had at least two dozen. And he picks up a picture book for the kid. I get that you want a memorable birthday. But if you're giving your daughter a picture book, do you think she gives a shit if her cupcakes are from Eleni's? Save yourself some money and go to Magnolia Bakery. Or - gasp - just get store-bought ones. Whole Foods actually has really nice ones. If you REALLY feel like roughing it, you could make them YOURSELF. Or have the nanny do it. Sigh. I just don't get it. And you - yeah, you, the mother who loads up on workbooks for her daughter so she "has an edge" on the other kids come September? Buying books that are a grade ahead to give her that "edge?" You keep going, and she's gonna fall off that edge. Take my word for it. Or not. But it won't be pretty.
And the babies and toddlers learning Mandarin. Another thing I don't get. Is this to trot them out as shoe ponies, showing how smart they are, that they are learning a super hard, culturally sophisticated language? Wouldn't, say, Spanish, be more useful? Hell, I wish I knew Spanish.
Then -- then -- I almost lost it this morning. This morning! Early! I hear banging and smearing on the front window - these kids are jumping and then smearing their hands down the front windows, and their parents are standing RIGHT THERE, looking at them, talking to them, seemingly having a normal conversation. Honestly, I was thisclose to walking outside and asking them to control their children. I just think that's complete disregard for other's property and outright disrespect. My parents would not have tolerated that behavior with my brother and I - we don't tolerate that behavior NOW, with Trey -- and he would never even think to DO that. I just am amazed at the entitled behavior of these little monsters sometimes. Really. It's like The Nanny Diaries, but multiplied a thousand times.

Then there are the sweet grandmothers who come in and I help them find books for their granddaughters, or we talk about the original Nancy Drew mysteries, and I tell them that I read them from my grandmother. Or the kids who are so genuinely mannerly and thankful for your help.....these are the rare ones. But it's nice when it happens.

I still really don't understand the need for multiple books about giving up pacifiers or diapers. I'm not sure how I feel about the AIDS books for kids in the "special topics" section. (when did we become a society that even needs a special topics section? My favorite title in this section is "No one wants a nuclear war." NO. SHIT.). Kid, you shouldn't even know what nuclear war IS.

But there are mixed messages. We do carry the Magic Fairies series, which is cute, I admit. There's a bunch - the Weather Fairy series, the Music Fairy series, the Sports Fairy series, the Color Fairy series. All is well and good until the fucking FASHION FAIRY series. Really? Do we really have to carry this? The Accessory Fairy? The BEAUTY Fairy? If you're going to tell me that it's so important to be progressive and have Meaningful Picture Books downstairs with Deep Messages, why do we have the Fashion Fairies? This causes way more anger than it really should.
Deep breath. I just figure my kid will get stuck with Madeline, Paddington, Corduroy, Dr. Seuss, PD Eastman, Berenstein Bears, Curious George, Eric Carle books, Beatrix Potter....classics. I don't need witty "word play" books or gender-neutral characters or whatever. If you do, more power to you.

They're kind of like vampires, Manhattan parents. They suck the life and energy right out of you. And most of my college classmates are these people. Lord help me.

update.

So. There are only about 3 weeks left of my first year in art school. Wow. What a year it has been. Do I still miss NC? Yup, every day, without fail. NYC drives me insane and many days I have to force myself to leave my apartment, just because I don't want to deal with the city. And it is draining me of money. But the program has been wonderful, and I am so glad I decided to come. I have made great friends, learned from super smart professors, and learned more about myself than I thought I would. I'm exhausted and drained and stressed, but I am loving what I am learning and doing.

Speaking of being exhausted and drained and stressed.....for the past 4 days I have been gluten-free. For weeks now I've had serious GI issues, been uber-exhausted, had headaches and generally just been blah. But I've been exhausted for a while, and finally I was sick of running to the bathroom (sorry for TMI), and I decided to try being gluten-free. My dad was diagnosed with Celiac disease about 2 years ago, and gluten-intolerance can be hereditary. So here I am. I have been daydreaming about huge bowls of pasta and cheesy, thick-crusted pizza. This morning at Magnolia Bakery I was so tempted, and when I asked if they had any gluten free stuff, at first I was told they did not. I must have looked incredibly forlorn, because about 5 minutes later, a baker came out to the table I was at and said they were making some flourless cakes, if I was going to be there for a while. Yay! That was a moment for me, though - even though those cupcakes were calling my name - loudly - I wasn't going to break the gluten-free diet. That made me feel good, knowing that I was committed to helping me feel better. I do feel like my body is going through some sort of detox, though. I've been eating lots of fruit, much of the Indian food I have is gluten free, so the Vegetable Korma, Kerala Veggies and Tandoori Rice are all okay. I picked up gluten-free pasta and corn chips and popcorn. It's going to be difficult at first.

Anyway.....that's about it. These last few weeks are going to be busy with school, trying to find a subletter for my apt for the summer, and figuring out my summer plans. sigh.

on not breaking your own heart.

I am back in New York, after being in North Carolina last week. It was great being back in the South. I visited McIntyre's Books, where I used to work and took home a bunch of ARCs and a tote bag (thanks, Keebe!). I now carry my Algonquin tote bag here in the city as a little piece of home. I went to my favorite touristy place to eat down there, Top of the Hill. It is classic Chapel Hill, and Bonnie and I had our picture taken with some people at the bar decked out in UNC gear and blue wigs (it was a game night, against Miami). I ate a typical Southern meal of buttermilk fried chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans and a buttermilk biscuit. It was delish. My gallbladder-less body was not happy, but I was. mmmmm. Then we went to Sugarland for cupcakes. Before I left, we went to Cook-Out, where I had a Cheerwine ice cream float and hush puppies. And of course, I took back liters and cases of Diet Cheerwine.

My aunt's death has not fully sunk in, I don't think. I was at Barnes and Noble tonight and saw a Hopkins Guide to Ovarian Cancer and instinctively picked it up off the shelf before I realized I had no use for it anymore. And then I felt like throwing it across the store. The Brighton bangles she got me for Christmas clink on my wrist and her Keurig sits in my kitchen. Her phone number is disconnected, although she is still in my cell phone contact list. It has made me think about life and death and dying. When someone dies, what remains? What of their life stays here, with the living? And what about the dead people walking, like my grandmother with Alzheimer's? They are, essentially, living a slow death of self. What remains? Lots to think about.

Classes started today. I am taking 17 credits - a nonfiction workshop; a class entitled "Memory and Morphology," about memory and writing/art and how it changes; a narrative medicine class on Applied Writing - "How We Write/Why We Write"; a nonfiction research methods class that I placed out of but decided to take anyway, to pursue my independent research interest; and a Master Class, which only lasts half a semester, called "Of Women Born: Motherhood in Literature." So I have exciting and interesting classes. And just from today, I left very inspired and feeling like my money is well spent here. In my workshop, my professor told us about recent MFA grads whose books have been optioned for movies, others who just got book deals....she said to not assume we'll immediately get a book deal to pay off our loans, but keep working hard, don't give up on your dreams, and eventually it will pay off. She said something brilliant - "I'm a big believer in not breaking your own heart. There are too many people out there more than happy to do it for you." She encouraged us to stick with it, believe in ourselves and our dreams, and just put in the work that needs to be done to excel. I left classes today feeling recharged and looking forward to the semester. Sometimes I am blown away by the professors and classes here, and today was one of them.

cupcakes and life lessons

This is actually the inside of Bliss Bakery!

I went to a new cupcake place last week - Bliss - and now I think I'm obsessed. Their cupcakes are yummy, and their coffee is amazing...it's French press, and so good. The first time I went with the kids I babysit, I had a Red Velvet cupcake, which is daring for me, since I'm usually a vanilla cupcake with vanilla icing girl (which is the cupcake I got on saturday with Miriam). I'm lusting after this HUGE cupcake you can buy that feeds 12-15 people....it's $45, and I think it would be WONDERFUL for a birthday. Not that I know anyone with a birthday soon.....but Bliss's cupcakes are sweet without being saccharine (like Sugarland), and light. You don't feel heavy after eating them. Which makes them very, very dangerous. Of course, do I miss Crumbs and Buttercup Bake Shop, but short of getting on a plane for a cupcake run to Manhattan, Bliss will do quite nicely. 2 years ago, my then-roommate, Sonja, had gone to Manhattan for the week, and just happened to come back to NC on my birthday. She brought me back cupcakes from Magnolia Bakery for a birthday gift! I was so surprised...I mean, to carry them on the plane and everything? That was, by far, one of the best birthday surprises I have ever had.

I was reading blog entries from last year...G-d, I was so optimistic about doctoral programs. Things seemed to be falling into place. And somehow, I went from there to here. A place where nothing is certain, I'm not sure which way to go, and I don't have a set plan right now; no trajectory. This is not where I wanted to be, and I am trying to do everything I can to change this. It's a rough and rocky road right now, and I'm just trying to clear the path enough for me to squeeze by, if that makes sense. I know that I want to do research, work in oncology, and also work with patients - doing patient education and advocacy, counseling....somehow, a mix of all that. I'm looking at two possible avenues, but I'm not writing about them until January, because I don't want to jinx anything. Superstitious, yes. But I don't care.

and the final semester starts.......

It feels like forever since I've blogged on here.....my friend Carrie came in last Tuesday, so I didn't have time to post. We did a lot of things Chapel Hill-esque......we had yummy cupcakes at Sugarland, walked on Franklin St, went to the Carolina brewery, shopped at Cameron's, had brunch at A Southern Season....we also saw two movies (Benjamin Button and Gran Torino). It was a tiring week, but it was great seeing her again. 

There was also a very weird experience for me while she was here -- and I'm not sure people can understand unless they were in Carolina last year. So, I bank at Wachovia. And the bank near me is right next door to a Bank of America. More specifically, the Bank of America that Eve Carson was driven to the night she was killed. Many times, when I've hit the ATM at night after babysitting, it's crossed my mind that she was driven through that ATM, most likely terrified and planning how she could run. But Carrie needed money, and she does her banking there, so I drove through the same exact ATM drive-through that Eve did. And for some reason, that really, really weirded me out. It was spooky and I didn't like it. Then, I guess because of that, she showed up in my dream that night. I dreamt I was driving with her - she was in my passenger seat - and she kept telling me to find her toothbrush, that it'll explain everything. It was very weird. I woke up thoroughly spooked. 

Classes start tomorrow, but thankfully I only have one class on Mondays, and not even every Monday -- Neurotraumatic Injuries in Sports Medicine. It should be a neat class. Thinking about the semester, though, is kind of nerve-wracking. I have 3 classes plus my thesis, research work, and finding out about PhD programs. If I don't get into a PhD program, I know that it will absolutely crush me. Crush me. But to start off the semester, I got a new messenger bag to carry my books -- one that most people would probably NEVER expect me to carry. I'm usually a Vineyard Vines tote gal, or a North Face backpack, if I have a long day ahead of me.....but I found the tokidoki Le Sportsac bags, and fell in love with them. Something about the fun prints made me smile, and I think just looking at the bags brightens your day. Check out tokidoki here. 

I had a thesis topic - AYA cancer survivorship - but I'm feeling kind of saturated with cancer lately.....so I'm not sure I want to do that so much.....but I can't really see me doing anything else but something in oncology. I'm thinking maybe doing something in integrative oncology, which incorporates complementary and alternative therapies with traditional Western medicine. I'm not a total believer in everything, which could be kind of interesting. 

confessions.

sometimes, I eat peanut butter right out of the jar. i drink way too much caffeine. i obsess over the pottery barn kids catalog, planning future nurseries for my kids as i read. i love catalogs. every morning, as i eat my breakfast, i read nytimes.com. i want to go to medical school but am terrified i would never get in. i also want to be a writer, and sometimes i don't see how these mix. i like to eat Cool Whip by the spoonful. i'm very picky about my starbucks drinks and will send it back if it's not skim or if it has whipped cream. sometimes i think i'm too serious. i sometimes wonder what the hell i'm doing with my life. i miss the boys i used to babysit for. a lot. i love my nephew so much it physically hurts - this is that primal, instinctual love that i think parents have. i obsess about bugaboo strollers. i don't like that i'm getting older and getting wrinkles. i have angel wings tattooed on my back and though they will probably show in whatever dress i wear for my wedding, i don't care because i love them so much. i put my M&Ms in the refrigerator before i eat them. i voted Republican (for the first time ever) in this election for the presidency but then voted straight Democrat for everything else. i miss playing rugby. i like when i have laryngitis and have a hoarse voice, because then my voice doesn't sound so prissy and like i'm 10 years old. i could finish off a large pizza by myself. no lie. i used to be able to run 2 - 3 miles at a time in college. i wish i could do that again. i hate mixing nike and adidas - like if i'm wearing a nike shirt, i have to wear nike shoes. no mixing. i probably straighten my hair too much, although i'm working on that. if i got into the PhD programs at UNC, Yale, and Columbia, I honestly don't know which one i would choose right now. people tend to tell me i'm an overachiever, but i mostly feel like a big slacker and like everyone is doing more than me. libraries and bookstores are some of my most favorite places. i miss Manhattan more than i probably should. i also love Chapel Hill, though, which is confusing. i seriously adore the robins' egg blue Tiffany boxes. i miss my job at MSKCC nearly every day, and i wasn't even getting paid for it. even if they all taste the same, if given a choice, i will choose the cupcake with the pink frosting. 

cupcakes cupcakes rah rah rah!

I am super excited for tomorrow. My roommate and some friends of mine are going out to dinner to this Asian restuarant, and then to Sugarland for cupcakes/dessert!! Not Magnolia, Buttercup, or Crumbs, but still excellent! I am so psyched for sugary cupcake goodness.