on not breaking your own heart.

I am back in New York, after being in North Carolina last week. It was great being back in the South. I visited McIntyre's Books, where I used to work and took home a bunch of ARCs and a tote bag (thanks, Keebe!). I now carry my Algonquin tote bag here in the city as a little piece of home. I went to my favorite touristy place to eat down there, Top of the Hill. It is classic Chapel Hill, and Bonnie and I had our picture taken with some people at the bar decked out in UNC gear and blue wigs (it was a game night, against Miami). I ate a typical Southern meal of buttermilk fried chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans and a buttermilk biscuit. It was delish. My gallbladder-less body was not happy, but I was. mmmmm. Then we went to Sugarland for cupcakes. Before I left, we went to Cook-Out, where I had a Cheerwine ice cream float and hush puppies. And of course, I took back liters and cases of Diet Cheerwine.

My aunt's death has not fully sunk in, I don't think. I was at Barnes and Noble tonight and saw a Hopkins Guide to Ovarian Cancer and instinctively picked it up off the shelf before I realized I had no use for it anymore. And then I felt like throwing it across the store. The Brighton bangles she got me for Christmas clink on my wrist and her Keurig sits in my kitchen. Her phone number is disconnected, although she is still in my cell phone contact list. It has made me think about life and death and dying. When someone dies, what remains? What of their life stays here, with the living? And what about the dead people walking, like my grandmother with Alzheimer's? They are, essentially, living a slow death of self. What remains? Lots to think about.

Classes started today. I am taking 17 credits - a nonfiction workshop; a class entitled "Memory and Morphology," about memory and writing/art and how it changes; a narrative medicine class on Applied Writing - "How We Write/Why We Write"; a nonfiction research methods class that I placed out of but decided to take anyway, to pursue my independent research interest; and a Master Class, which only lasts half a semester, called "Of Women Born: Motherhood in Literature." So I have exciting and interesting classes. And just from today, I left very inspired and feeling like my money is well spent here. In my workshop, my professor told us about recent MFA grads whose books have been optioned for movies, others who just got book deals....she said to not assume we'll immediately get a book deal to pay off our loans, but keep working hard, don't give up on your dreams, and eventually it will pay off. She said something brilliant - "I'm a big believer in not breaking your own heart. There are too many people out there more than happy to do it for you." She encouraged us to stick with it, believe in ourselves and our dreams, and just put in the work that needs to be done to excel. I left classes today feeling recharged and looking forward to the semester. Sometimes I am blown away by the professors and classes here, and today was one of them.