So.....instead of writing the part of my thesis that is due, oh, tomorrow, I am blogging. Yup. Blogging. I am blocked with my thesis. I think because I psych myself out with it. I just need to start treating it like a regular paper and not put so much emphasis on it. As one of my commenters mentioned, I think I'm getting too caught up in the rye. (Catcher in the Rye reference). He (the commenter) wrote, ...just don't let too many of the questions and answers weigh down the beauty in you. Maybe let go of your present. Remember what you loved that got you to the point you have the opportunity to write this paper. Maybe find the innocent beauty in why you went to where you are....And you know what? Maybe I need to let go right now, and just WRITE. Maybe I need to remember what it is I love about pediatric oncology that made me want to go into the field, and write my thesis on it anyway. And why I went to where I am? Well, that's easy....16 years ago Erik died of ALL. I went to a small private school, and most of us started in kindergarten or first grade there, so by the time we reached middle school, everyone knew everyone. I don't even remember when Erik was first diagnosed, but I remember when things started to get bad, and they needed platelets. My mother donated. And then I remember being told that he had passed away - it was on a Sunday, because I was cheering at a basketball game....and us cheerleaders were told not to tell the boys, because they need to be able to play the game - but all of us knew about Erik before the game started. I remember going over to my mother and saying, "Erik died anyway, the platelets didn't save him...." Of course, this was before I knew what platelets did....but I remember that helpless feeling -- the feeling that this wasn't supposed to happen. He was 13, after all. And you know what? That was the catalyst that got me involved in oncology. That naive, childish, hopeful idea that I could go into oncology and make a difference - the difference that Erik never got. The simplistic beauty of that idea is what I need to get back. I need to hold onto that to write this thesis, I think.
2 comments:
And I would do it again and again just to save one life. WE tried, you and I. I gave my platelets and you gave and continue to give your all. Don't give up. What we can't see, we can still believe in. That's called faith. You've helped a multitude of people since Erik. That counts for something.
MM
Words ... beauty can be a hell of a thing to throw at someone ... sorry
I saw beauty in your willingness to help some of the hurts of this
Ultimately papers are still papers ... just an opinion but the willingness to care is perhaps the most incredible thing in a messy existance
If heaven is heaven caring is more then enough for ... not that I'm willing to find peace is this completely
I and any other cyber voice shouldn't presume to be qualified to tell you anything other than to appreciate that you are willing to care ... mixed incredible blessing that might be
Maybe write the paper for it's function in what path is current best ...
Not childish ... naive ... hope ... already just human beautiful as i'm sure those who've actually known you over years would tell you
I always liked a quote by Keats ... I don't see answers but maybe a taint of what keeps the better angels of our nature going
Best wishes
Always
"When old age shall this generation waste,
Thou shalt remain, in midst of other woe
Than ours, a friend to man, to whom thou say'st,
'Beauty is truth,
truth beauty,
—that is all
Ye know on earth,
and all ye need to know.'"
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