even Supergirl can't fly all the time.

All my life, it feels like Great Things have been expected. To whom much is given, much is expected, isn't that how the quote goes? And for the most part, I think I've delivered. Reading at 2, kindergarten at 4, graduating college by 21, and entering a clinical psychology doctoral program, ensuring that I would be a doctor by the age of 26. And then it went horribly wrong. I left clinical psychology, tried social work, returned to psychology, got an MS, and am getting my MPH in 2 months -- in a field I am finally passionate about. I've interned at HUP, worked with the LAF, interned at Memorial, lived in Manhattan for over a year -- but it all seems like nothing to me right now. It looks great on paper, doesn't it? I feel like I've worked my butt off since I was 4 years old, trying to Do Something Wonderful. When I fell into oncology 5 years ago, it seemed like it all fell into place. When I decided to either do public health or medicine, I thought to myself, I can't make a wrong decision, I love them both. And I do - I love what I do, and I'd still love to be a pediatric oncologist, although that's pretty improbable. 

I know my family is proud of me no matter what, and they try not to put any expectations on me. I am my own worst enemy - I am harder on myself than anyone could ever be. I hold myself up to near impossible standards, as do many of my friends -- I think that's a reason they're all so accomplished and amazing and wonderful. But sooner or later, even Supergirl falls from the sky.

I didn't get into UNC. Yeah, you read that right. I didn't get into the school I am ALREADY in. To say that I feel like I failed is the understatement of the year. I am hurt, angry, mortified, sad, humiliated - devastated would be an appropriate word, I guess. I had planned to possibly buy the condo I am living in, stay in my neighborhood.....and now, all of that is up in the air. I haven't heard from Columbia yet, but I am not holding my breath. Apparently, there were record numbers of applicants. I am meeting with the Chair of the department next week to discuss it. All of this does not make me feel better. So I am trying to look for jobs at UNC, Duke, NC State, RTP.....but it doesn't take the sting of failure away. It doesn't take away any of the disappointment I feel. For quite possibly the first time in my life, living in NY might not make me happy. I want to stay here, in Chapel Hill. If, by some miracle, I did get into Columbia, I guess it was meant to be. But I am still waiting. I never saw the MPH as my end goal -- it was supposed to be a stepping stone to the PhD. Right now, there is no joy in this degree. I know how that sounds, and I'm sorry. But right now, it's how I feel.

No one can say anything that will make me feel better right now. I have to figure this out on my own. This has completely floored me. But sooner or later, I know I'll get up off the floor. But not today.

"...Then, when it seems like we will never smile again, life comes back." - Source Unknown