if you let me play sports...

Sports has always been a part of my life. As a girl, I took gymnastics lessons; tumbling and flipping came easy to me. I'd do back walkovers up and down the lawn, practice back handsprings with my friend Nikki, and do flips off the diving board in our pool. In high school, I decided to take up tennis; after one year, I was playing Varsity. Being on the tennis court gave me a sense of peace - running the lines, laps around the court, practicing my two-handed backhand and popping open a new can of tennis balls...I loved it. I still do, although I haven't been on a court in forever. I planned my summers around tennis. Wimbledon would always seem to fall during tennis tryouts. I'd go to morning tryouts, come home and watch tennis and eat lunch, and go back for afternoon tryouts and practice. When I got to college, I contemplated trying out for the team, but was lured to rugby by the promise of parties after every game. Rugby was like no other sport - I would go back to the dorm after a game and party with black and blue bruises from head to toe, exhausted, and as happy as a pig in slop. Playing rugby was a badge of honor, that I was tough enough to play a sport with no timeouts, full body contact and tackling. And now, I have triathlon.

Due to my foot surgery, I am relegated to only swimming right now. But just getting my body moving again has given me back a part of myself. There is a large part of me that identifies as an athlete. It is something I am decent at. At a time when I am struggling in school - something preveiously UNHEARD OF for me - this makes me feel good at something. Most people are really good at something. I've always been really good at school. And when I don't have that, I'm a little lost. But sports makes me feel like I'm good at something again. Gives me a sense of accomplishment. Satisfaction. Even just entering the Wellness Center and locker room, I can feel my body relax, like this is where I'm supposed to be, it's familiar, it's natural. I'm a sports girl. The fact that I am (trying to) study for ACSM certification for personal training so I can work part-time while waiting on nursing school decisions is exciting for me. Unfortunately, I haven't really been able to even look at the ACSM books because of physiology. At any rate, I am getting back to my athletic self, which makes me feel good. As Molly Barker writes, it gets me out of the "Girl Box", those imposed restrictions that tell us we're not pretty enough, or thin enough, or good enough....or simply, enough. It brings me to my self. Which is what we all strive for, right?

tri training

So I've been swimming every day since last Saturday....and it feels great. I absolutely LOVE the Wellness Center, and have gotten exponentially better at swimming laps. I just needed to get back into it. I am more confident about the triathlon, and really looking forward to it. I got a bike and a helmet the other day, although I won't be able to ride until July. There's a peacefulness in the water that I love. I'd forgotten, though, how ravenous swimming makes me, and for the first couple days, I would be starving as I left the gym. Now I pack some trail mix, Gatorade and PowerBars in my gym bag, thankfully, so I won't be hungry on my way home. Gotta keep up my strength!

Seriously, though, I was talking with the head of aquatics, who used to do triathlons, and even he said that my dedication and perseverance in the pool will pay off and I will be back to my originaly strength - if not more so - soon. That felt good. I felt like an athlete again. I have an ad ripped out of Triathlete magazine on my wall that has a bunch of triathletes getting ready for the swim, and it says: It's all about making the start line. THAT is why I love triathlon. It recognizes even the hard work that someone puts into it. It's not all about winning; it's about loving what you do and working hard, and just getting to the starting line. You don't have to win the race, just be a part of it.

keep swimming....

This is the Ironman Triathlon symbol, the "M-dot". One day, I hope to do a half-Ironman, or even a full Ironman.

I got the pin out of my foot yesterday, and have to wear the air cast for another 4 weeks. So today I went swimming at the UNC Wellness Center, where my grandparents have very nicely paid for a month membership, since they have a pool and awesome, state-of-the art equipment. It really is an AMAZING facility, and I'd really like to write a lot so that I can maintain a membership there for a few months, especially leading up to the triathlon (it's somewhat pricey). But I swam in the pool there today, and it kicked my butt. I didn't realize how weakened I'd become since surgery, but I guess after almost 8 weeks of not exercising and not even walking nearly as much as I had been, I definitely lost a lot of strength. It was humbling, and upsetting, and frustrating. I don't like struggling as an athlete, but today I was struggling. It makes me nervous about the triathlon, even though I have 5 months to go. I thought the swim leg would be the one part of the tri that I wouldn't have to worry about, but now I'm wondering. Of course, I can't run until July, according to the orthopedic surgeon, so I'm thinking the run leg might be my most challenging. I am hoping that I have given myself enough time to train.

At any rate, it was really great to be exercising again. It felt natural to use my muscles, and feel the strain in my arms. The water has always been familiar to me; I had a pool nearly my entire life growing up, and I would spend hours swimming laps, diving off the diving board, and playing games with my brother and friends. Being back in the pool today felt nice, although I struggled.

As Dory from "Finding Nemo" said, "Just keep swimming...."

just call me Coach.

Girls on the Run!

Despite the fact that I am still wearing an air cast (surgeon said I should be able to run by July), I just signed up to be a volunteer coach in the fall for an organization called Girls on the Run. It was founded by a woman named Molly Barker (a UNC alum, clinical social worker, 4 time Hawaii Ironman triathlete and recovering alcoholic), and is quite possibly the neatest organization I have ever had the opportunity to work with. The program is a 12 week program for girls ages 8-12, and we will meet twice a week for an hour at a time, doing lessons on self-esteem, body image, healthy choices, and other positive, empowering themes for young girls. At each session, we do some running, and at the end of the 12 weeks, we enter a 5k (3.1 miles) race. Girls this age are on the cusp, they are looking into the "Girl Box", as Molly writes. But think back to when you were 8, 9, 10...before you were worried about not being "pretty enough", or "thin enough", or "smart enough", or "popular enough"....because you knew you WERE enough. Unfortunately, somewhere along the way, many of us fall into media traps of what is deemed "acceptable" for young women today. We get trapped in the "Girl Box", with its strict rules as to what is expected and what is accepted. We learn to be seen and not heard, to speak a little softer. We learn that the media slams women who dare to be a healthy size, rather than diet themselves into nothingness. Sports can change all that. I am so excited to be a role model and help empower these girls to love themselves, and make healthy choices for themselves. Athletics has always been part of my life - gymnastics, tennis, rugby, and now triathlon - and to share that with others is a gift.

I went into psychology because of Mary Pipher's book Reviving Ophelia. Though my life has detoured into pediatric oncology, I still have a strong interest in psychology (as I should, since I have a Master's in counseling), and I think this experience will teach me a lot. I'm sure that these girls will be teaching me, as much - if not more - than I teach them. I'm reading Molly Barker's book "Girls on Track", which gives some background on her own life and the development of the program, and it's pretty amazing.

these boots are made for walkin'

My air cast is a little shorter, but this is what my oh-so-fashionable aircast looks like.

I finally understand the impact of chronic pain or discomfort on people. It will be 6 weeks tomorrow that I had my foot surgery, and since then, I'd say a good 5 weeks at least have been marked by pain or discomfort every day. When there's no pain or discomfort, there is certainly inconvenience and impairment. 6 weeks without running or biking for stress relief. 6 weeks without taking a normal shower with both feet on the floor (don't ask). When you have pain or discomfort more often than not, it does a number on you. Emotionally, it wears you out. It really is exhausting, physically and mentally. Not being able to run and get rid of stress in that way has caused added stress and frustration, especially as the weather has gotten nicer and nicer. Physically, it stresses your body and tires you out. You have to plan outfits accordingly because the damn air cast is cumbersome, plan routes of activities and so forth because walking is hard and you can't walk fast, and don't forget to clean the open wound where the pin is still sticking out. And if you manage to stub your toe while wearing the air cast, like I did last week, well, then.....you're screwed.

I know people have it much, much worse than I do, and I shouldn't complain. I'm trying not to. But I've never been immobilized like this.....I see my surgeon again next friday, and hopefully, HOPEFULLY, after he takes the pin out, maybe I'll be able to bike....I'm not counting on it though. I have a feeling I'll still have to wear the air cast a bit longer.

it reminds me of....

I love when something seemingly innocuous brings me back to another time or place or event. Don't you? Like I was washing my face with J&J Clean and Clear, and for some reason, it smells a lot like Noxema, and that fresh creamy scent brought me right back to theater camp in middle school, and washing my face with it to remove stage makeup after a show; when the biggest things on our minds was getting a speaking part and nailing our dance routines. My very favorite shirt in the entire world is a Ralph Lauren Polo Sport navy blue and pink striped rugby shirt. I got it in 2002, when I lived in Ft Lauderdale, from the Sawgrass Outlets. I remember the first time I wore it was at a library orientation for the psych doctoral students....and my friends and I snuck out, like we were prisoners breaking free from the library, and went to a bar for afternoon beers. The stripes on the shirt are sewn together, not merely printed on, and it's still a favorite of mine, 8 years later. The Indigo Girls song "Devotion" reminds me of early summer in Manhattan, right before I left, walking along the streets of the Upper West Side with my brand-new iPod (this was when they first came out), listening to it. And of course, "Allentown" and "Glory Days" brings me back to undergrad, drinking clandestine beers in our dorm rooms, dancing and screaming the lyrics, and laughing like there was no tomorrow. Right before I left NJ to come down to NC, I kept listening to Kate Voegle's "It's Only Life"; I can remember leaving Jonel's house after saying goodbye to the boys and crying. When I hear "One More Dollar" by Gillian Welch, it reminds me of listening to music on the green last summer with Lauren. When I hear "Jerusalem of Gold" or the Israel national anthem "Hatikvah", it brings me right back to Tel Aviv, where I heard Hatikvah and stood at attention before the Israeli flag, or the Old City and eating falafel. And whenever I hear "Carolina in my Mind" by James Taylor, it always makes me so incredibly, ridiculously happy that I live in Chapel Hill. Music, for me, is especially sensory. It can lift my mood, comfort me, inspire me and push me another mile on the treadmill. Here are some of my faves...this idea was taken from the blog Jewish Girl in Wasp's Clothing. :)

Songs that make me:

want to knock back a beer, put on a "going-out shirt" and dance all night: "You Shook Me All Night Long", byAC/DC...."Livin' on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi...."Glory Days" by Bruce Springsteen...."Money Ain't a Thang" by Jay-Z..."Not a Player" by Big Punisher...."Start Me Up" by the Rolling Stones... "Alcohol" by BNL...."Gold Digger" by Kanye West.

ignore the burning in my legs and the fatigue and run another mile: "Ali in the Jungle" by The Hours...."Everytime We Touch" and "Evacuate the Dancefloor" by Cascada..."Eye of the Tiger"..."Lose Yourself" by Eminem...."Tik Tok" by Ke$ha..."Miami" by Will Smith.

want to throw an 80s party: "Take On Me" by A-ha..."Billie Jean" and "Smooth Criminal" by Michael Jackson..."Gloria" by Laura Branigan....any song by the Beastie Boys...."Pour Some Sugar on Me" by Def Leppard....."Like a Virgin" by Madonna...."Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake..."Love is a Battlefield" and "Hit Me with your Best Shot" by Pat Benatar.

want to get married, right now: "Father and Daughter" by James Taylor (for dad-daughter dance)...."At Last" by Etta James..."Moondance" by Van Morrison...."If I Should Fall Behind" by Bruce Springsteen..."Because You Loved Me" by Celine Dion...."When You Say Nothing At All" by Allison Krauss.

roll down my Jeep windows and bang on the steering wheel while singing along: "waiting, watching, wishing" by Antigone Rising..."Right Kind of Wrong" by LeeAnn Rimes..."Express Yourself" by Madonna...any Paramore song..."Hollywood" by Gossip Grows on Trees..."Hold On, Hold On" by Neko Case...."Posession" by Sarah McLachlan...."Flake" by Jack Johnson.

feel better after a bad day: "Break Your Knees" by Flyleaf..."Heal Over" by KT Tunstall....versions of "Hallelujah" by Jeff Buckley, kd lang, and Kate Voegele...."Remember" by Katie Reider...."Crawl (Carry Me Through)" by Superchick...."Warm Whispers" by Missy Higgins...."You Found Me" by The Fray...."Maybe Tonight, Maybe Tomorrow" by Wide Awake.

my nephew's 3rd birthday letter.

I started writing letters to my nephew when he turned one, and have done so for his birthdays ever since. Saturday is his 3rd birthday, and I've written another letter to him. I won't be able to be there for his birthday, but will be there in spirit.

Trey,
Buddy, I can't believe you are three years old. Three years ago you made my life a better one, and I know you will make the world a better place, too. Your unconditional love and spirited nature draw so many people to you, and your laugh could melt even the coldest of hearts. You've named me "Aunt JJ", and when you call me that, it sounds like the best name in the entire world. The things that come out of your mouth never cease to amaze me, and for a little guy, you're pretty observant. (And I was worried you'd never talk! Now you talk all the time!)
Watching you is watching pure joy splash across your face at the littlest things; it's watching your endless curiosity about everything and your overflowing love for everyone. You remind me what's REALLY important in life, and for that, you are my biggest teacher, always.There are so many great memories I have of this year - your love for the color pink, the look on your face when I came home for spring break, your love of Swedish Fish and Scooby Doo, falling asleep to "Baby Mine", and too many more to list.
You are a special little boy, Trey, and I want you to never forget that. So many people love you. I hope you keep your inquisitive spirit, your stubbornness and your determination, and most of all, keep your joy for life and unbridled affection for people.
I can't be there for your birthday this weekend, and it breaks my heart. I hope you understand, buddy. Gmom will give you the gifts I got you, but I want you to know that nothing will ever live up to the gifts you have given me in these 3 short years.

Love you boo.
Aunt JJ

remembering.

I was walking to my car after meeting with my Microbiology professor about a test that I bombed, and I saw a bumper sticker that said Remember who you wanted to be. That struck me, because my teacher and I were just talking about the difficulties I was having taking tests, which she feels stems from my lack of confidence in my abilities regarding the material. And she's right -- I have been so intimidated by these classes. I'm in a new environment, the hard sciences, as opposed to the behavioral sciences, and it scared me. She said I need to believe in my abilities and believe I can do it, that I can be a "gunner" like the others. She's right, I know she is. My family has said this to me many times. I think the issue of self-confidence has been a nagging one especially since last spring, when I did not get into the UNC Health Behavior/Health Education PhD. I mean, that devastated me and totally pulled the rug out from under me. I think it was then that I really began to start to doubt my intelligence, my abilities, and my success. Seeing this bumper sticker made me think, who did I want to be? Not someone who doubts herself, I can tell you that. I have not earned 2 graduate degrees with self-doubt.

This also tied into something that's been nagging me, and I know I've blogged about this before. I love oncology. But geez, could I have picked a more emotionally challenging field? Sometimes it is hard, because cancer is everywhere in my life, personally and professionally. I have a friend whose metastatic rhabdomyosarcoma has not slowed down despite amputations, chemo and radiation; he's going to try a new chemo regimen, but the doctors have had "the talk" with him and his wife. He is 32. I have another friend who has leukemia; he just had another recurrence, despite chemo and a bone marrow transplant. His boyfriend is battling Hodgkin's disease. He was supposed to start a PhD at Stanford in the fall; now he is making videos and writing letters for his younger brother to remember him by. He's 25. I have a family member with end-stage cancer. But then I remember all of my friends who have overcome their cancers, and who are living and thriving.....but it's hard. In some ways, I wish I could be less emotional about it -- but at the same time, I think it's my emotion that illustrates just how passionate I am about the field, and patients can sense that. Patients can sense when a provider is "just doing a job", as opposed to loving what they do. I want to love what I do. I want them to feel my passion for making a difference.

I worked in an ob/gyn office for 6 years and loved it. Sometimes, when oncology gets to be too hard, I wonder if I'd be better suited to being a nurse midwife. Delivering babies. Pink and blue and happiness. Or a women's health NP. But then I remember my reasons for going into oncology, and go back again.

When I remember who I wanted to be, I remember I wanted to be a passionate, determined, never-give-up health educator and oncology person. I wanted to forge connections with patients and make a difference. I wanted to be optimistic and believe in the best outcomes, and believe in miracles. And this is all still possible. I just have to remind myself of that. I just have to believe.

my stuff

There's a section in Vanity Fair magazine every month that is entitled "my stuff", and I thought I'd fill out my own list, mainly because I'm bored and I like making lists.

Where do you live Chapel Hill; homesick for Manhattan

Favorite Artists Keith Haring, Andy Warhol, Georgia O'Keeffe

Favorite Gadget my BlackBerry

Favorite Neighborhood Restaurants in NC: Penang; in NY: Lisca

Favorite Cocktail cliche, but a Cosmopolitan

Shampoo Pantene; Bumble n' Bumble thickening shampoo

Moisturizer Kiehl's SPF 15 facial moisturizer; Neutrogena

Soap Philosophy products

Hair Products Bumble n' Bumble thickening spray, Bn'B antifrizz serum

Jeans Seven for All Mankind

T-shirts my Carolina Medicine shirt or my Hopkins Med shirt...theme here?

Wallet/Money Clip Orla Kiely zip wallet

Sneakers Nike, Mizuno, Puma

Favorite Designer Marc Jacobs

Who Inspires You Jerome Groopman, Joan Didion, Coco Chanel, Lance Armstrong

Favorite Charities MSKCC

Perfect Meal hmm...not sure but probably something with pasta

Favorite Place in the World Jerusalem, Israel

Comfort Food mashed potatoes

Chocolate or Fruit cherries. not a huge fan of chocolate, but if they're chocolate covered cherries, even better

the journey.

So. It's been 2 weeks today since foot surgery. I am clomping around Chapel Hill in my oh-so-sexy black boot/air cast thing. When thinking about what to wear, it gets kind of annoying. Not to mention I can't wear flip-flops (flip-FLOP, singular?) because it will throw off my balance. I've tapered down the pain meds, especially since I can't really do work, take notes, pay attention, or work responsibly in microbiology lab while on medication like Darvocet. Although the pills are a pretty, preppy hot pink, which makes me happy. :) I am going CRAZY not exercising or running. I have a session with a trainer on Tuesday to get an upper-body lifting routine, so I'm happy about that. But, man, not having exercise as a stress reliever makes me crazy. I've been eating a ton, which does not bode well for tri training. I think I've been involuntarily giving people who are running or biking around campus (and there are plenty, believe me) dirty looks. I'm just so jealous! Lesson learned: Never take mobility for granted. EVER. Believe me, I cannot wait to just "go for a run". But all this will make my finishing October's triathlon that much sweeter.

In fact, this sorta reminds me of why I love triathlon so much, even though I have yet to finish my first one. Ever hear the phrase "it's not the destination, it's the journey"? To me, that's sorta how triathlon is. With this sport, yes, you'd like to place, or win; but it's also just about finishing. Because simply finishing takes commitment, effort and dedication. Finishing a triathlon is something to be proud of in itself, and everyone who does the sport, from first-timers to professionals, recognizes this and encourages everyone else. I think that's what I like most about it. The recognition that yes, it's the journey.