Three Years Later.

Three years ago today, Eve Carson was murdered here in Chapel Hill. I write about this every year, I know. Eve loved UNC, loved Tar Heel basketball and loved Chapel Hill. In that respect, I think it's very appropriate that tonight is the long-awaited last rivalry game of the season between UNC and Duke. I think she'll be looking down, watching, the whole time.

finally.

Well....things have been busy. This past week was a really horrible week, emotionally, as I started to get really down about MFA programs, jobs, life, etc. I finally realized Hunter was not going to call, and I'm pretty sure UNC rejected me for their PhD. I was resigning myself to being rejected from every program, and was going to order some Chinese food last night to cheer me up when my cell phone rang. It was a 212 area code, and my heart started pounding. It was a professor at Columbia, asking me to join their MFA program in creative nonfiction. I almost had a heart attack. My heart was pounding and I was stunned speechless. I don't even know if I made sense at first. The professor laughed and said these acceptance phone calls pretty much go like that at first. He told me about funding opportunities, gave me contact numbers, etc. I couldn't think of any questions to ask him, but have been thinking about it all weekend and will email him with some.

So, yeah. I was not expecting this call in any way. I only applied to Columbia because it's Columbia. I couldn't NOT apply. But I never thought I'd get in. I didn't even fill out all the financial aid because I was so sure I wouldn't get in. I mean, a quarter of the New Yorker's "20 Under 40" list got their MFAs from there. Most MFA programs have about 34 credits to finish the degree....Columbia has around 60. It's a shitload of work. But there's also internships, which would help with contacts for jobs and publishing.....I am still waiting on the New School's decision as well.

I have a lot to think about. I have to think about cost - tuition is prohibitively high - and living expenses, etc. But I also have to consider.....if I do not go, will I end up regretting that for the rest of my life and always wonder what if? I feel like this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and if I don't grab it.......

gym musings.

I was able to rejoin my gym this month; it was something I desperately needed for my rising stress level, self-confidence and my aching foot. The pool helps strengthen my left leg and foot, which is something I really need. But the gym does more than strengthen my body; it strengthens my soul, as cheesy as that sounds. If I've had a hard day, I can go to the gym and accomplish something I set out to do. On bad days, the gym feels like the one place I am successful, the one place where I am good at what I do. I feel at home in the gym. Even just walking through the parking lot, I can feel myself calm down and mentally prepare for my workout. Returning to the gym has been good for me in other ways. Freelance writing is a solitary pursuit. I have no coworkers or workplace. It's nice to go to the gym, see the regular workers there and see fellow tri team members and personal trainers that I'm friendly with. (And of course, Dan, aka "gym boy"). It makes me feel like I belong there.

I've always been an athlete; as a child I was a gymnast, then did karate and cheerleading. In high school I played Varsity tennis, ran winter track and threw javelin (that was short-lived and I sucked, but whatever). In college I played rugby. I'm lucky in the sense that I build muscle easily, so I'm able to see results fairly quickly.

I love the quivering-leg feeling after a 25 mile bike ride as I walk to the locker room. I wear the sweat stains on my tank top like a badge of pride. It is after a workout that I feel most attractive, because I feel strong and capable and proud. Maybe because I know what it's like to not feed your body right. In college, my nutrition was less-than-good. Looking good took precedent over being strong and healthy. I couldn't play a set of tennis back then if I wanted to, I would get so fatigued. But now.....now, I don't take it for granted. I am proud of what I can do and appreciate my health and fitness.

But the gym also brings my limitations front and center. My foot is sore every day. I still don't walk "normally," and I cannot run for more than 2 minutes at a time. I am still figuring out a running gait, and after a treadmill workout, my foot is sore for days. I cannot participate in brick workouts my tri team does, because I can't run the mile or two involved. (The lake swims are another story, but I don't have a speed suit/wetsuit). I watch the people running on the track with envy; I'm surprised I don't burn holes in their backs with my stare. Changing out of my shoes, I see my ugly scarred and bruised foot, and walking in my slides in the pool area, I am very conscious of how I walk.

It's frustrating. You have no idea what living with chronic pain/discomfort is like until you're living it. It's exhausting. It's upsetting. If I squat to look at something and somehow land/bend my left foot, I see stars, it's so painful. The strength difference between my two feet/legs is something of which I am always conscious. I just have to keep reminding myself that it supposedly takes a full year for recovery, and I had TWO major invasive surgeries on my foot in less than 6 months, which caused further stress/trauma to my body. I have to cut myself some slack and realize that, really, it's been a little over five months since the last surgery. Three and a half months out of the boot. I have to adjust to this "new normal." Would I do the surgery again? Of course. I had no choice, really. This was the right surgery, and my surgeon and his team were awesome. I guess I just underestimated recovery time.

that's the way I've always heard it should be....

So. Up to this point, 2011 has not really been my year. And I think that's putting it lightly. This week alone, I found out that my new health insurance (which I got after being denied coverage from the insurance company I've had for most of my life) won't cover "pre-existing conditions" like BUNIONS (they're really reaching now....but I guess after 2 surgeries worth over $30k last year, they're not taking any chances) unless I prove I recently had other health insurance and then they MAY waive the 12 month wait on coverage for it; I didn't get the job I really wanted; and I am most likely not accepted to one of the MFA programs in NYC I really wanted to attend. I am really sad about the job. I really, really wanted it and KNOW that I would have been kick-ass at it. With my writing skills, passion for medicine and excellent research abilities, I would have been a superb employee. I would have loved my job and produced stellar work. I know this in my heart. But, as my old roommate texted me, "Don't let their loss be your loss." I can only assume that things happen for a reason, and this is just one piece in a larger puzzle. But damn if it didn't break my heart.

As for MFA and PhD programs.....I started the process late. I didn't apply to a ton of programs like they suggest, and I didn't really apply to fully funded ones. Given the chance, I would have done things little differently. Or maybe not. Nonfiction programs are far fewer than fiction and poetry. I still haven't sent in my Hopkins application for medical-science writing, since the admissions are rolling and I have some time. But maybe I should send it in? The rec letters are already there.

We know how things went back in 2009 with rejections. I mean.....it took me months to get it together after all that. And I didn't even go to my MPH graduation. I don't regret that, but it took me a long, long time to regain confidence in my intelligence and abilities. And I still don't think I'm as confident as I was before all that happened.

I am beginning to wonder if I am good at anything. I mean really, really good. I don't know if I'm great at anything. Right now, I am thinking that the only things I am really good at are writing and working out. And with the MFA/PhD programs, maybe I'm not as good at writing as I thought. As for working out, like my parents and I talked about last year, I could do the personal training thing. I have the ACSM (American College of Sports Medicine) study materials, but I just need the time to study and take the exam. It's an expensive exam, so I don't want to fail. And there are tons of training jobs here, and I could write at the same time. Plus, I would be able to wear sweats, yoga pants and sneakers to work. Good times, indeed.

The one thing I know without a doubt I am good at is mothering. Let me clarify that, since I obviously am not a mother yet. I am wonderful with kids. Infants, babies, toddlers, kids, pre-teens.....I can handle all ages. They love me. I swear. Nearly every child for which I've babysat, I have loved unconditionally. And the two I didn't were truly masochistic monsters, so they don't really count. They didn't have to be my children for me to truly love them, care for them and know that I would do anything for their well-being. Taking care of children is a lot of work - don't let anyone tell you otherwise - but for me, it has never felt like work. It is instinctual, something I don't have to think about or ever second-guess. Taking care of children is something that, in my heart, I don't think I am good at -- I know I am good at it. But it's not exactly something I can put on my resume, and I didn't earn two graduate degrees simply to be a nanny. (I'm not disparaging nannies; I've been one for years). But this talent will just have to be fulfilled with my nephew and saved for my future children.

I am trying, I am really, really trying to not get too down. This is not where I thought I would be at 30. But my generation is different than my parents' generation. We're in a shitty economy, people are getting married and having children later, half of couples end up divorced, and many people have moved back home in their late 20s/early 30s. So I am trying to not feel too discouraged. I am trying to remember that things happen for a reason. I know that struggle makes success that much sweeter...but I also feel like enough is enough already. Before my birthday last year, I wrote that I wanted to make decisions based on love and hope, not on fear.....and so far, I think I've been successful at that. Now I need to believe that things will turn around, that the positive I send out will return.

Isn't that the way it's supposed to work?

another book review!

I was lucky enough to be given a copy of this book, "The Low-Residency MFA Handbook", by Lori A. May. I had read the "bible" of MFA applicants, Tom Kealey's "Creative Writing MFA Handbook", which deals with traditional MFA programs, but didn't know much about low-residency programs. So what are low-residency programs? These are not "MFA lite" programs, by far. They are just as demanding as full-residency, regular programs, but you can do them remotely, from home. Generally, twice a year, for a week or two, they will have "residencies", where students come and meet with professors, attend lectures, share work and have fun and learn. The rest of the semester, students are working their full-time jobs and doing their work when they come home, and send their work to their advisor or fellow students via email. They keep up via forums and webpages, etc. These programs are perfect for MFA students who do not want to relocate, or can't relocate due to work or family obligations. The main drawback is they do not generally offer good funding like traditional programs, because they don't have teaching assistantships or research assistanships. That is a huge drawback for me. BUT......that being said, you can work full-time at your job while doing these programs. And save the cost of moving.

This book does an excellent job of clearly describing each program, with interviews from faculty, alumni and students from each program, there is a chapter on funding, one on AWP, and one that describes what residencies are like. There is contact information for each program, and reading it, it made me really think that a low-residency program could be a good idea for next year. This way, I could keep my job, not move, and earn a degree at the same time. May also has a chapter on life after the MFA, which is entertaining and reassuring at the same time. Lori May does an excellent job at providing objective information about each program, and because the programs are described by insiders, you really get a feel for each program and whether you want to learn more about the school. If I hadn't read this book, I don't think I would even consider a low-res program in the future, simply because they aren't talked about as much - or they are somehow seen as "less than", which, clearly, they are not.
If you are thinking about an MFA program, or simply want to learn more about your options, pick up this book at Amazon or your local bookstore.

the way we were.

"There are two kinds of girls in the world; the simple girls and the Katie girls. I'm a Katie girl." -- Carrie Bradshaw, "Sex and the City"

I just saw this episode of "Sex and the City" where Carrie says this; she's upset because Big is getting married to Natasha, and at brunch the girls are talking about the movie "They Way We Were", and how Barbara Streisand, who plays Katie in that movie, is the complicated, curly-haired woman. Carrie says the above quote because some men can't handle the complicated women, they prefer the simple women, and Carrie admits she will always be a "Katie girl", and she's fine with that.

And I don't know if it's part of getting older, or just where I am in life right now, but I know I'm complicated. I can be intense, moody, brooding, overly analytical and obsessive, but I can also be spontaneous (okay, rarely), thoughtful, fun, and lighthearted. I value my independence but would also like to get married one day. (Although, see my previous post about how it will NOT rule my life). I love children and although I'd love to be a mom, I have to admit, I'm kind of glad I don't have any kids right now when I read the facebook status updates of some college friends....I think I might throw up if my life revolved around potty training, nanny finding and play dates right now. That being said, my nephew can melt my heart just by calling me "Aunt JJ". I struggle at times, but it makes me appreciate the good times more. I can take care of myself but appreciate the door being held for me. I don't really read fashion magazines anymore; I'd rather read triathlon magazines and writing magazines, that feed my soul and body rather than feed into a beauty myth. I am stubborn but sweet, tough but tender and, at times, can be vicious but vulnerable.

I am complicated, and I am okay with that. I am not the girl you can put into a box and anticipate my next move. I'm not the typical single girl who wants to be married above all else. I rarely cry at movies but a child can bring me to tears. I love the anonymity of Manhattan but love how the baristas at my co-op know my name. Like Carrie, I guess I'm a "Katie-girl."

(And now that SATC is on E! all the time, I love the old episodes. Miranda admits she's not a "girly-girl" and Carrie tells her thank goodness she's not.....where are the shows like this today??? We didn't realize it at the time, but SATC broke barriers of all kinds....).

Out of Print Clothing

One day I was in the mall and wandered into Delia's. Now, having been (then) 29, I have no idea what possessed me to go into a teeny-bopper store that typically carries clothes for girls who have never eaten a thing in their lives, but I went in. And I found a shirt with a picture of Maya Angelou's "I know why the caged bird sings" book on it, and loved it. It was made by a company called Out of Print Clothing, which donates books to children who need them when you purchase a shirt. I love every shirt they have, and am absolutely fiending for a Catcher in the Rye sweatshirt. With Christmas money, I got the Catcher shirt and just got my Bell Jar shirt from them in the mail today! :) I had posted their link to an MFA program facebook page (which yielded several orders) and being the awesome customer service people they are, they sent me a shirt. I have had several customer service email conversations, and I have to say, in this day and age, good customer service is hard to find. But with this company, everyone has been super helpful and friendly and they have really gone out of their way to be appreciative and excellent. I was not expecting them to send me a shirt! Even before that, though, they were very helpful and I really appreciate that as a customer.

The shirts are so imaginative and super soft and comfortable. I'm looking forward to seeing what books they choose next. I'd love to see some Carson McCullers books, or Woolf's "A Room of One's Own". I could come up with so many. It seems like an awesome company.

Anyway, go check out their awesome website!

a missing gene.

"I'm missing the bride gene. I should be put in a test tube and studied." Carrie Bradshaw from "Sex and the City" said that, and lately, honestly, I've been feeling the same. One of my roommates got engaged, and I am so happy for her - she's a lot like me, she's not super girly about it and she didn't cry when she got engaged. However, my roomates do love all the wedding shows - "Four Weddings", "Say yes to the dress", "Bridezillas", and the WORST, "Bridalplasty". I'm sorry, but personally, I do not think my wedding day will be the most important day of my life -- in fact, I hope it's NOT the most important day. If I ever get my doctorate, that will be an important day, and when I have a child, that will be the most important day. Not my wedding, which is a big show for other people, mostly. I can't get excited about trying on dresses and veils and all that crap. I like my independence, and I want to want my husband more than I need him, if that makes sense. It may have sounded better in my head.

Book Review: Healing with Words

Writers are known for over-analyzing their lives and obsessing. So what does a writer do when diagnosed with breast cancer? She took out her journal and put words on the page. Diana Raab, a nurse, was diagnosed wtih DCIS at the age of forty-seven. Five years later, she was also diagnosed with multiple myeloma. I was lucky enough to get a review copy of Diana Raab's book Healing with Words: A Writer's Cancer Journey, and devoured it in two sittings. This book chronicles her story, along with journal entries, poems and pages of writing prompts for the reader. Through the stunned shock of an unexpected diagnosis, to the decision to have a mastectomy and reconstruction and her healing journey, Raab pulls no punches. Her unflinching willingness to share her feelings about the process lends an intimacy to the story and makes it an engrossing read. She was helped by her surgeon, who sounds like the type of surgeon that seems to be found all too rarely - one who truly loves his job and cares for his patients deeply. He actually suggested she write a journal about her experience and feelings, and send it to him. It was exactly what she needed. In her epilogue, Raab dares to admit something many cancer memoirs tend to minimize -- she struggles. Physically, emotionally, and psychologically. But she continues to write, which in turn helps her to heal; it is a necessity, like breathing. Despite her struggles, she makes the choice over and over to live her life. She even quotes the Nietzsche quote that is tattooed on my back: "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." Raab has chosen to reframe her situation, and see her cancer experiences as turning points that, in her words, "set you free to fulfill or examine dreams that can no longer wait....It is about understanding what you really want in life...." With multiple pages of writing prompts, quotes, and breast cancer resources, this is an interactive book that encourages its readers to examine their own lives or cancer journeys. It is a cancer memoir that connects readers without being preachy or full of pink, and is simply real. And that is the best thing of all about it. Buy the book on Amazon or visit the author's website.

letting go.

It's 2011. A new year. One of my roommates and I were talking last night about life, and she feels very unnerved and unprepared and unsure about her life; this is normal - she's only 26, she's starting residency next year and doesn't know yet where she'll end up. I mentioned something about living in FL and she was like, "Wow, you've done so many cool things, you've had such a neat life...." I laughed and said not really, I've just done different things to end up where I am. The funny thing is, I've often thought about my roommates and envied their path, the straight path to a sure-fire career, the fact that they've never seemed to waver from their course. But I thought about it for the rest of the night, and I wish I could tell my roommate that it's okay not to know what you're doing for the rest of your life. As I've gotten older and talked to more people, I've found that many people don't know what they're doing; they just go with it.

When I was in college, I honestly wrote up "Jaime's Life Plan" on a piece of notebook paper. I outlined grad school plans, internship plans, when I would open up a private practice, and ages I wanted to get married by and have kids by. Well, shocker, life had other plans. I laugh when I think that I actually ever believed I would follow that charted course on that notebook paper, and how much I would have missed out on if I had followed that plan. Nowhere on that plan did it say live in Manhattan (twice), or become an aunt, or live in Chapel Hill, or become a triathlete. And yet these are some of my favorite things.

I was terrified of making "the wrong choice" when I was a senior in college and deciding where to go for grad school. I was scared of making "the wrong choice" again when deciding about Miami or PCOM. But all I had to do was let go. Let go of fear. Let go of control. Even now.....I have to work hard to let go of trying to control every little thing in my life, but I've found that when I let go and let G-d, so to speak, things actually seem to work out. I've had to let go of expecting my life to look like I thought it would or should. I've had to accept temporary setbacks to get where I want to go eventually. Maybe this comes with age or experience; I'm sure people told me all of this when I was younger and I just didn't listen to them. But I see it now.

There is, in the end, the letting go........