letting go.

It's 2011. A new year. One of my roommates and I were talking last night about life, and she feels very unnerved and unprepared and unsure about her life; this is normal - she's only 26, she's starting residency next year and doesn't know yet where she'll end up. I mentioned something about living in FL and she was like, "Wow, you've done so many cool things, you've had such a neat life...." I laughed and said not really, I've just done different things to end up where I am. The funny thing is, I've often thought about my roommates and envied their path, the straight path to a sure-fire career, the fact that they've never seemed to waver from their course. But I thought about it for the rest of the night, and I wish I could tell my roommate that it's okay not to know what you're doing for the rest of your life. As I've gotten older and talked to more people, I've found that many people don't know what they're doing; they just go with it.

When I was in college, I honestly wrote up "Jaime's Life Plan" on a piece of notebook paper. I outlined grad school plans, internship plans, when I would open up a private practice, and ages I wanted to get married by and have kids by. Well, shocker, life had other plans. I laugh when I think that I actually ever believed I would follow that charted course on that notebook paper, and how much I would have missed out on if I had followed that plan. Nowhere on that plan did it say live in Manhattan (twice), or become an aunt, or live in Chapel Hill, or become a triathlete. And yet these are some of my favorite things.

I was terrified of making "the wrong choice" when I was a senior in college and deciding where to go for grad school. I was scared of making "the wrong choice" again when deciding about Miami or PCOM. But all I had to do was let go. Let go of fear. Let go of control. Even now.....I have to work hard to let go of trying to control every little thing in my life, but I've found that when I let go and let G-d, so to speak, things actually seem to work out. I've had to let go of expecting my life to look like I thought it would or should. I've had to accept temporary setbacks to get where I want to go eventually. Maybe this comes with age or experience; I'm sure people told me all of this when I was younger and I just didn't listen to them. But I see it now.

There is, in the end, the letting go........