the way we were.

"There are two kinds of girls in the world; the simple girls and the Katie girls. I'm a Katie girl." -- Carrie Bradshaw, "Sex and the City"

I just saw this episode of "Sex and the City" where Carrie says this; she's upset because Big is getting married to Natasha, and at brunch the girls are talking about the movie "They Way We Were", and how Barbara Streisand, who plays Katie in that movie, is the complicated, curly-haired woman. Carrie says the above quote because some men can't handle the complicated women, they prefer the simple women, and Carrie admits she will always be a "Katie girl", and she's fine with that.

And I don't know if it's part of getting older, or just where I am in life right now, but I know I'm complicated. I can be intense, moody, brooding, overly analytical and obsessive, but I can also be spontaneous (okay, rarely), thoughtful, fun, and lighthearted. I value my independence but would also like to get married one day. (Although, see my previous post about how it will NOT rule my life). I love children and although I'd love to be a mom, I have to admit, I'm kind of glad I don't have any kids right now when I read the facebook status updates of some college friends....I think I might throw up if my life revolved around potty training, nanny finding and play dates right now. That being said, my nephew can melt my heart just by calling me "Aunt JJ". I struggle at times, but it makes me appreciate the good times more. I can take care of myself but appreciate the door being held for me. I don't really read fashion magazines anymore; I'd rather read triathlon magazines and writing magazines, that feed my soul and body rather than feed into a beauty myth. I am stubborn but sweet, tough but tender and, at times, can be vicious but vulnerable.

I am complicated, and I am okay with that. I am not the girl you can put into a box and anticipate my next move. I'm not the typical single girl who wants to be married above all else. I rarely cry at movies but a child can bring me to tears. I love the anonymity of Manhattan but love how the baristas at my co-op know my name. Like Carrie, I guess I'm a "Katie-girl."

(And now that SATC is on E! all the time, I love the old episodes. Miranda admits she's not a "girly-girl" and Carrie tells her thank goodness she's not.....where are the shows like this today??? We didn't realize it at the time, but SATC broke barriers of all kinds....).

Out of Print Clothing

One day I was in the mall and wandered into Delia's. Now, having been (then) 29, I have no idea what possessed me to go into a teeny-bopper store that typically carries clothes for girls who have never eaten a thing in their lives, but I went in. And I found a shirt with a picture of Maya Angelou's "I know why the caged bird sings" book on it, and loved it. It was made by a company called Out of Print Clothing, which donates books to children who need them when you purchase a shirt. I love every shirt they have, and am absolutely fiending for a Catcher in the Rye sweatshirt. With Christmas money, I got the Catcher shirt and just got my Bell Jar shirt from them in the mail today! :) I had posted their link to an MFA program facebook page (which yielded several orders) and being the awesome customer service people they are, they sent me a shirt. I have had several customer service email conversations, and I have to say, in this day and age, good customer service is hard to find. But with this company, everyone has been super helpful and friendly and they have really gone out of their way to be appreciative and excellent. I was not expecting them to send me a shirt! Even before that, though, they were very helpful and I really appreciate that as a customer.

The shirts are so imaginative and super soft and comfortable. I'm looking forward to seeing what books they choose next. I'd love to see some Carson McCullers books, or Woolf's "A Room of One's Own". I could come up with so many. It seems like an awesome company.

Anyway, go check out their awesome website!

a missing gene.

"I'm missing the bride gene. I should be put in a test tube and studied." Carrie Bradshaw from "Sex and the City" said that, and lately, honestly, I've been feeling the same. One of my roommates got engaged, and I am so happy for her - she's a lot like me, she's not super girly about it and she didn't cry when she got engaged. However, my roomates do love all the wedding shows - "Four Weddings", "Say yes to the dress", "Bridezillas", and the WORST, "Bridalplasty". I'm sorry, but personally, I do not think my wedding day will be the most important day of my life -- in fact, I hope it's NOT the most important day. If I ever get my doctorate, that will be an important day, and when I have a child, that will be the most important day. Not my wedding, which is a big show for other people, mostly. I can't get excited about trying on dresses and veils and all that crap. I like my independence, and I want to want my husband more than I need him, if that makes sense. It may have sounded better in my head.

Book Review: Healing with Words

Writers are known for over-analyzing their lives and obsessing. So what does a writer do when diagnosed with breast cancer? She took out her journal and put words on the page. Diana Raab, a nurse, was diagnosed wtih DCIS at the age of forty-seven. Five years later, she was also diagnosed with multiple myeloma. I was lucky enough to get a review copy of Diana Raab's book Healing with Words: A Writer's Cancer Journey, and devoured it in two sittings. This book chronicles her story, along with journal entries, poems and pages of writing prompts for the reader. Through the stunned shock of an unexpected diagnosis, to the decision to have a mastectomy and reconstruction and her healing journey, Raab pulls no punches. Her unflinching willingness to share her feelings about the process lends an intimacy to the story and makes it an engrossing read. She was helped by her surgeon, who sounds like the type of surgeon that seems to be found all too rarely - one who truly loves his job and cares for his patients deeply. He actually suggested she write a journal about her experience and feelings, and send it to him. It was exactly what she needed. In her epilogue, Raab dares to admit something many cancer memoirs tend to minimize -- she struggles. Physically, emotionally, and psychologically. But she continues to write, which in turn helps her to heal; it is a necessity, like breathing. Despite her struggles, she makes the choice over and over to live her life. She even quotes the Nietzsche quote that is tattooed on my back: "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." Raab has chosen to reframe her situation, and see her cancer experiences as turning points that, in her words, "set you free to fulfill or examine dreams that can no longer wait....It is about understanding what you really want in life...." With multiple pages of writing prompts, quotes, and breast cancer resources, this is an interactive book that encourages its readers to examine their own lives or cancer journeys. It is a cancer memoir that connects readers without being preachy or full of pink, and is simply real. And that is the best thing of all about it. Buy the book on Amazon or visit the author's website.

letting go.

It's 2011. A new year. One of my roommates and I were talking last night about life, and she feels very unnerved and unprepared and unsure about her life; this is normal - she's only 26, she's starting residency next year and doesn't know yet where she'll end up. I mentioned something about living in FL and she was like, "Wow, you've done so many cool things, you've had such a neat life...." I laughed and said not really, I've just done different things to end up where I am. The funny thing is, I've often thought about my roommates and envied their path, the straight path to a sure-fire career, the fact that they've never seemed to waver from their course. But I thought about it for the rest of the night, and I wish I could tell my roommate that it's okay not to know what you're doing for the rest of your life. As I've gotten older and talked to more people, I've found that many people don't know what they're doing; they just go with it.

When I was in college, I honestly wrote up "Jaime's Life Plan" on a piece of notebook paper. I outlined grad school plans, internship plans, when I would open up a private practice, and ages I wanted to get married by and have kids by. Well, shocker, life had other plans. I laugh when I think that I actually ever believed I would follow that charted course on that notebook paper, and how much I would have missed out on if I had followed that plan. Nowhere on that plan did it say live in Manhattan (twice), or become an aunt, or live in Chapel Hill, or become a triathlete. And yet these are some of my favorite things.

I was terrified of making "the wrong choice" when I was a senior in college and deciding where to go for grad school. I was scared of making "the wrong choice" again when deciding about Miami or PCOM. But all I had to do was let go. Let go of fear. Let go of control. Even now.....I have to work hard to let go of trying to control every little thing in my life, but I've found that when I let go and let G-d, so to speak, things actually seem to work out. I've had to let go of expecting my life to look like I thought it would or should. I've had to accept temporary setbacks to get where I want to go eventually. Maybe this comes with age or experience; I'm sure people told me all of this when I was younger and I just didn't listen to them. But I see it now.

There is, in the end, the letting go........

obligatory end-of-year post.

So tomorrow is New Year's Eve - really, it's just another day; I'm over the whole "do something big" thing - but that means bloggers inevitably do those end-of-year postings, rounding up everything they've done, or learned, or loved. This year did not turn out like I thought it would, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

I had two foot surgeries within a 6 month time frame, forcing me to learn patience and appreciate the baby steps and hard work sports rehab takes. It also made me slow down and learn to accept help from others.

I joined a triathlon club team, forcing myself to meet new people in a new environment, and loved it. In fact, I am signing up for another year tomorrow.

I stopped fighting the impulse and urge to be a writer, and finally decided to go with it....and it was like the world opened up again.

A friend of mine died from cancer, forcing me to realize all we have is today, that tomorrow isn't guaranteed.

If you're not going to be self-indulgent, why should anyone else indulge you?

I learned humility when I was taking science classes, and for the first time in my academic life, was not succeeding. I never realized before how demoralizing poor academic performance could be, but I experienced it first-hand, week after week after week.

And of course, once again I learned that no matter what academic program I end up in, or what job I get in the future, or how successful I am professionally, nothing, nothing, nothing can compare to hearing my nephew say "Aunt JJ? I love you", or seeing his face break out into a huge smile when he sees that I've flown in for a few days. Being Aunt JJ will always be my favorite, most important job.

So what will 2011 bring? I have a feeling it will be a great year. I think there are lots of doors opening up, I think I'm taking risks I haven't taken before, and that I am open to whatever life brings me. As the writer Anais Nin said (and it's on a necklace my grandparents gave me for my 30th bday), "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

I think 2011 will be a year of blossoming.

holiday musings.

Trey and Santa

Baby Cole and I.

So Christmas is over....it was a good holiday. Trey got to see Santa Claus up close and personal, and Baby Cole has gotten so big. I love when kids start to actually develop personalities and be fun. :) I can't believe 2010 is almost over. This year has been such a whirlwind for me.....it seems like the last few years have brought many changes, most of them good. This year especially was full of ups and downs, doctor's appointments and surgeries, and tough choices that changed my life for the better. And I don't think I would change a single thing. Really. Well, it would have been nice if Santa brought me a netbook, since I think I've been overtaxing my Macbook because I'm on the computer like 18 hours a day, but that's okay. I can remedy that if I work my butt off. :)

I'm excited, because along with an upcoming job interview/presentation, I am reviewing several books on this blog. I'm just waiting on receiving the review copies. :)

I hope everyone has had a wonderful holiday season, and many more to come!

140.6.

I am watching the 2010 Kona Ironman that I DVR'd yesterday. I have watched past Kona Ironmans and other Ironmans, but there's something special about Kona. There are the pros, but the majority of the competitors are just like you and me, regular age-groupers. It is these competitors that make the race so darn inspiring. This year, there was a woman who walked the entire marathon with a BOOT on her foot. Yes, a boot - just like the one I wore for nearly 6 months this year. She had a stress fracture. She was able to swim, had a bike shoe, and put the boot on for the marathon and walked it. WOW. Or Lew Hollander, the 80 year old triathlete who has competed in more than 20 Kona Ironmans. Watching Kona always brings tears to my eyes. Yes, really. It reminds me why I fell in love with triathlon. Because it's all about identifying your limits, surpassing them, and finding out that really, you have no limits. You can do so much once you stop placing boundries around yourself.

What was it Henry Ford once said? "Whether you think you can, or whether you think you can't, you're probably right."

for the love of language.

So.....maybe I've been in the sciences too long, where written brevity is rewarded and concise is the name of the game in papers and theses. I've been reading A LOT lately - which is great, I love reading and could do it all day, every day - but it's shown me that there is a huge difference in the way I learn and the way my brain works in each subject. It was the black-or-white, right-or-wrong dichotomies that drew me to science - counseling was too "messy", I brought it home with me. Science either proved something or it didn't. But English and writing....language is caressed, turned over in the synapses and rearranged on the tongue. Analyzation and obsession over the right words or the right feeling are the norm, and while every writer seeks to "tighten up" pieces of writing, it is not as stringent and sparse as the sciences. After years and years of adapting my writing to APA and AMA style, I may need to re-evaluate.

I was reading this blog, by one of the main contributors of the MFA Blog (which every applicant checks a billion times a day), and I found my brain becoming exhausted. Am I really so used to the journal format of: hypothesis, methods, results, discussion? Maybe I am just out of practice with the mental challenge of it all - science is challenging in a different way than language is; I can't explain it well. He keeps mentioning Art. Funny, I never think of writing as Art....but writing programs are often housed in Schools of Art. Writers are seen as artists. Yet I sort of recoil at the thought of being called an artist. I don't feel creative enough. I've fought so hard over the past 6 years to be seen and respected as a no-nonsense, scientific, cerebral person, and being an artist seems so foreign to me. It's weird, right? It sort of requires a paradigm shift.

When I go up North next week, I know I have a Virginia Woolf book and Joan Didion's nonfiction collection waiting for me in my room at my mom's house, as well as my Manual of Sports Medicine that I got for my birthday. I'm still working on Wharton and Steinbeck here, as well as slogging through Franzen's "The Corrections"...am I a traitor to the writing world if I say I find Franzen (and Eggers) kind of pretentious?

I remember reading Joyce's "A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man" as an entering freshman in high school, and Carson McCullers' novels for a research paper sophomore year, and being awed at their writing. I feel that way about Didion's writing. Maybe one day someone will say that about my writing.

playing footsies.

This is the plate and screws that are in my 1st metatarsal.

This is the top view.

This was my foot 5 days post-op.

Okay, so these are pictures from the foot surgery back in September. This was my third foot surgery; the 2nd within less than 6 months.....all on the same foot. For those of you who don't know, this surgery was a first MPJ arthrodesis, or fusion. My bunion had recurred AGAIN, and I was beginning to develop arthritis in my first metatarsal. As a (then) 29 year old athlete, the orthopaedic surgeon was troubled by this, and suggested fusion, which is pretty much the most aggressive surgery you can have for a bunion. This surgery fuses the bones of the joint together, so the joint does not move. The top joint of my big toe bends, but the main one does not. My surgery also involved adding a small piece of cadaver bone to the first metatarsal, and shortening my 2nd metatarsal joint. As you can imagine, this kind of sucks. My gait is off with walking, as I cannot toe-off, and right now, I have no idea how I am going to run again - although my surgeon says this is fully possible. But from what I'm reading online, it's hard. Without proper toe-off, the calf is not as developed or strong, and that leg is not as powerful. Right now, 3 months out from surgery, my toe and foot are still pretty swollen. I have pain every day when I walk, and I favor the lateral side of my foot, which worries me about stress fractures along the 5th metatarsal.

So why am I writing about this? Because for some reason, although I knew the surgery would be hard, and rehab would be long, I thought I'd be "okay" by now. I keep forgetting that my body has gone through two major surgeries, which is stressful. As an athlete and someone who relies on running and triathlon training for stress management, this is super hard. It's hard when you have to get off the treadmill in tears because you can barely manage a mile because the pain is so bad. It's difficult when you feel self-conscious even walking around town, let alone walking at a fast pace for exercise. I basically live in sneakers now, because they're the only thing that feels comfortable and lets me walk somewhat normally.

I'm just a little frustrated. I haven't rejoined my gym yet, so I can't even go swimming, and I feel so out of the loop with training. I want to do the Indoor Tri in February, although I know I will be walking the running part very slowly. But I think - no, I know - my tri club teammates will be happy that I am just out there. They're very supportive of anyone.

I can't even wear my Top-Siders, because my foot is swollen and my toe is all weird. Do you know how hard it is to make sneakers "go" with every outfit? ;)

I'm just really hoping my foot gets better soon.