Columbine, revisited.

Monday, April 20, marked the ten-year anniversary of the Columbine High School shootings. I remember that day so well. I was a freshman in college, and saw students being interviewed on tv -- and realized, belatedly, that I recognized my distant cousin being interviewed, because she went there. I remember the candlelight vigil held that night, and everyone trying to wrap their heads around it. When I was in high school, this was unimaginable. We were able to come and go as we pleased, no one needed to wear an ID, the doors weren't locked to the outside, bags weren't searched.....we were safe. We felt safe. We were safe. I look back and see it as such an innocent time. I graduated high school right before all these school shootings happened, and it really was a different time back then. Even when I was in college, I never ever gave thought to the idea that a shooting could take place on my college campus. I mean, who does that? It was inconceivable. Is bullying getting worse? Are we getting more violent as a culture? Are we getting angrier, meaner? Are we becoming less tolerant, rather than more accepting? Or are more students daring to be themselves and are getting bullied because of it? Is mental illness increasing among teens? It could be none or all of these, but more likely a confluent mix. I can't believe it was 10 years ago. I was 18. Many of the kids who were shot were my age, or close to it. They would be adults now, possibly starting families or careers. And yet because of two young boys who cold-bloodedly hunted students down and taunted them before killing them, they're not here today - and their parents have that pain every day.

What's happening in our world?

a reminder.

My friend David, a pediatric oncologist at Hopkins (his blog is on my blogroll), posted this video. He wrote that sometimes, we need to be reminded why we do what we do. And he's right. Sometimes, especially lately, with my thesis, I ask myself time and time again, what the hell am I doing? Can I really stand to watch children get sick and not save them? I'm not even a peds onc; why am I still doing this? And I have to keep reminding myself why I do it, why I love it, and who pushes me to this. Lately I've been having thoughts like cancer just really sucks. People die. Good people die from it. Good people get really sick, get Stage IV cancer, and can't be cured. And I don't have answers to any of this. I wish I did. But then I watch a video like this and think, okay, maybe it will be okay. 

cute pictures of my cute nephew.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Trey!!

My brother Brad and Trey, opening up gifts. So cute. 

I love this. 

Making Easter cookies!

Dyeing Easter Eggs!

These are pics that I just couldn't help downloading. I wish I could be there for Trey's second birthday. I miss him lots. He's like, this....person now. I talked to him on the phone this morning and it was just the best thing to wake up to -- a little voice saying, "hiiiiii". The next time I see him I am going to scoop him up in a giant hug and tell him how much his aunt has missed him!!

Love you boo!!!!!!

a letter to my nephew for his second birthday.

My adorable nephew, who turns 2 tomorrow!

Two years ago today, it was snowing in NJ in the morning and they were calling a state of emergency. Two years ago today a gunman went into an auditorium and proceeded to carry on the largest college school shooting in history. It was unthinkable. We heard stories of dead students being carried out, their cell phones ringing because their families were calling them to make sure they were okay. Two years ago today, I got my tax refund, and proceeded to go to J.Crew, the Apple store, and Borders. And it was two years ago today that my brother's then-girlfriend went into labor. It was a long labor, obviously. I spent the night at the hospital to support my brother....it was an interesting night. And two years ago tomorrow, I met the best thing that's ever come into my life. 

Dear Trey,

My sweet, sweet nephew. I cannot believe you will be two. Where has the time gone? I wish I could be there more with you, but I love talking on the phone with you and the cell phone pictures your mommy sends me. I remember you when you were born, and my heart was yours as soon as I saw you. I couldn't believe this person was my nephew, that I was an aunt. It was the most exciting day of my life. 

Watching you grow into an actual person has been magical. You were always a happy, smiley baby, and that hasn't changed. Your smile melts hearts and breaks down barriers. Your laugh is infectious, and your kisses are full of love. You are so giving with your affection that I marvel at you sometimes. In the past year, you've learned to walk, say a few words, and become your own person. Sometimes I look at you, and I swear I see your daddy in front of me. When he was your age, and a little boy, he looked just like you. It's amazing. I love the tiny surprises you bring to my life, like when you busted out with dancing in your car seat to Britney Spears' "Circus". Who knew you were a fan! I love the way you hold munchkins in your hand, just carrying them around with you, until I break off a little piece and let you eat it. I love the way you make my family happy. 

I have a nearly 2 minute message from you on my cell phone, just repeating "hi" in all sorts of ways. Do you know how many times I've listened to that, to brighten my day? You remind me what's important to me, and what I love. I knew I would love being an aunt, but I didn't know how consuming love for a little kid can be....I mean, I love the kids I babysit, but you are my blood. I look at you and I hope you have all the opportunities in the world. I hope you are loved and protected and cared for always, and I hope you develop resilience and passion along the way. I hope you know how many people love you -- a whole village, baby -- your mommy's family and your daddy's family.....there is no shortage of people who adore you. I hope you are able to carry this love with you in your heart and return to it when times get difficult. I hope you stand up for what you believe in, and don't let anyone else determine your worth. I hope you cultivate your sensitive spirit, and always lend a hand to those in need. 

Trey, I don't even have the words anymore for what I want to say. I wish I could be there this year for your birthday, and I'm very sad that I'll be in NC. The past 2 years have been such a huge learning experience, of the heart and of the soul. I can never give you what you have given me. I am so proud to be your aunt. 

Love you boo.

Love,

Aunt Jaime

what's in your bag?

Okay, so I don't know about anyone else, but I like to procrastinate by browsing the Internet. And lately I've become obsessed with Timbuk2 bags, and gone on flickr to see different color combinations. And there's this thing called "what's in your bag?" where people photograph what's in their bag. And share it with the world. So, wanting to not write my Master's Paper, I decided I would do that. 

So. Obviously, that's my medium Timbuk2 bag, in grey and scarlet. Funny, but I didn't realize until I got home that those are my undergrad's colors. Ironic. Then there's my Sharsheret folder that contains all my work on my reproductive health policy paper, my Vera Bradley little bag that holds some good luck charms, and some TWLOHA promo stuff. Next to that is my Crabtree & Evelyn Nantucket Briar hand lotion, my inhaler, and custom made calling cards. Then there's my mesh cosmetics pouch that has about 4 lip balms, a lip gloss, powder, and a lipstick. Above that is my patchwork Vineyard Vines folder that has all my Peds Pharmacy schoolwork in it, a library book on breast cancer/feminist views on the post-surgical body, a bottle of Advil, an iPhone that I use as an iPod, and the current book I'm reading - "How Starbucks Saved My Life". There's a card I recently got from my uber-cool friend Jessi in Cali that I carry with me to cheer me up, my MSKCC lanyard for luck (yes, I'm a nerd), a whole bunch of pens and highlighters - I am fanatical about pens and highlighters. This is just a sampling of how many I really have in my bag. There's my bus schedule, a foil packet of Sudafed, my pink Kate Spade wallet, purple iPod nano, Carolina planner, my BlackBerry, and my Life is Good Nalgene bottle. 

Usually I'll also have some sort of coffee/soda, too. Good times. 

memories.

It's Easter. But I'm Jewish, so I don't celebrate it. But since half of my family is Roman Catholic, so we'd always go to those grandparents' house for Easter. A few weeks ago I was in CVS and found the Easter eggs my grandfather used to hide for us. They're pure sugar, but I love them. So I bought them, and just ate one, and it brought back so many memories. Memories of simpler times. Before people got cancer, before people died. My brother, my cousin, and I would run around the acre + yard and practically tackle each other to get the most Easter eggs. We would all eat our Easter candy that was overflowing from our baskets, not worrying about being fat or the calories, just trying to trade each other for the candy we loved. And then the rigatoni with the homemade "gravy", as Nana calls it. ('Cause that's the REAL Italian way).

Last week, Passover started, and I really missed being with my family. This year especially, I acutely felt the distance. I missed my grandmother's matzoh ball soup, and making latkes, and explaining the seder plate....I missed outsmarting my brother to get the Afikoman. And the yummy Passover chocolate chip bread, and the cookies....mmmmm. I especially regret that I'm not there to see my nephew during Passover and Easter. He'll be 2 on friday and I could just soak him up all day. 

I wasn't sure how I felt about the holidays this year. I believe in G-d, I have faith......but lately, I kind of think G-d's on my shitlist. And I shouldn't say that. I know I shouldn't. But when bad things happen to good people, when medicine fails, when children get sick, when dreams don't come true despite hard work....I just don't understand. Eventually I always come around and realize G-d isn't really responsible for all that, but still....I was listening to Fireflight, and there's a line in one of their songs - I think this is it - "...faith is moving without knowing...". And to a certain extent, I'm struggling with that in general, I think. My life is up in the air right now. My future has been turned upside down. Don't think that just because I go to class and the gym and do my schoolwork and dress cute that I am over the PhD failure. Don't think that for one minute. I have to fight those feelings every day, still. And I probably will until I am accepted next year (hopefully). I don't know if I will have a job. I don't know where I will live. I am running out of money soon, with not even a summer nanny job on the horizon. I really am trying to let go and believe things happen for a reason, that some sort of faith will help. 

cheating on Manhattan with Chapel Hill

I lived on this block for a year when I was at Columbia. It's the Seinfeld restaurant! They made the best egg creams. Yeah West 112th! 

Upper East Side

Self-explanatory. 

The iconic Old Well here at Carolina. 

It's so funny how two parts of me can coexist in one brain. I love, love, LOVE Chapel Hill, but also love Manhattan. They are DRASTICALLY different from one another, but I love them both. I love how I can walk to the organic co-op in my neighborhood (thank you, new urbanism) and get milk that is produced from a local farm in a glass jar. Something about that is so quaint. Wholesome. And seriously, milk from a glass jar tastes so much better. I love how the coffee girl at the market knows how I like my iced coffee. I've even grown to love the fact that so many people are regulars, that conversations are often struck up at the registers. I love how when I walk my roommate's dog, people on the bike path say hi. So do kids - they have manners here. There is an elementary school in my neighborhood, and kids ride their little bikes to school, and just park them on the grass - no chains or anything. I love how people think $800 a month rent is so expensive. In Manhattan, that'd be a steal. But whenever I get my issues of New York magazine (which is every week, I still subscribe), I find myself missing the city. I miss the noise and anonymity. I love the subway and people-watching. I love having everything at my fingertips. I love feeling like I am living on the pulse of life - trends, movies, music, fashion, everything. 

I am sure I might be idealizing my neighborhood. It's a planned community, a new-urbanist one, if you will. It's a little like Pleasantville, or Stepford, but I think that's what I love about it. It makes me feel safe and secure, and happy. Like nothing bad could happen here. It's a place I'd want to raise a family. You can't say that about Manhattan. 

Kurt Cobain, 15 years later.

Today marks the 15th anniversary of Kurt Cobain's suicide. I cannot believe it's been that long. I remember it so well. I can't believe it's been 15 years already. And he was 27 when he killed himself. That's younger than I am now, which just blows my mind. He seemed so much older at the time, but now it seems so young.....there's still so much I want to do, that I couldn't imagine my life being over. And he had a young daughter at the time - how could that not have given him pause? But, clinical depression is a scary thing, and he was using heroin, which just messes everything up, too. 

As cliched as it sounds, suicide is really a permanent solution to a temporary problem. No matter how bad things get, people care if you live. It may not feel that way, but it's true. And long after you're gone, people will still hurt because you're not there. 

If you ever find yourself in a hopeless situation, please talk to someone, anyone - a random anonymous caller on a helpline, or your pet, or just go be around people and have a cup of coffee. Reach out to a therapist, be open to medication if needed - depression is an illness, just like diabetes. There is no shame in being treated for it. 

National Hopeline Network 1-800-SUICIDE www.hopeline.com

S.A.F.E. Alternatives (Self Abuse Finally Ends) 1-800-dontcut  www.selfinjury.com

RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network 1-800-656-HOPE www.rainn.org

here we are, at your cervix.

So, this article in the NYTimes talks about a new DNA test that could make Pap smears a thing of the past. It still requires a cervical scraping, but the sample is mixed w/various agents and read by a machine. Basically, it picks up HPV, the high-risk ones that are more likely to cause cervical cancer. People are saying this could mean a switch to getting Paps ever 3, 5, even 10 years. But what about those medical anomalies? What about those women whose Paps never show HPV but end up having cancerous conditions? I have mixed feelings about this. I don't think this is a substitute for Paps, but possibly an added test. I know it might not be cost-effective, but I'm just not sure if women are ready to feel comfortable NOT getting Paps every year. I wouldn't want to go every 3 or 5 years. Better to be safe than sorry, in my opinion. 

it's not easy being #1....but we'll take it.

I want this hat. Anyone willing to sponsor me? :) 

Well, we won the NCAA championships....I don't think anyone is too surprised. I'm glad that I'm here to see everything - I went to a Division III school for undergrad, and needless to say, no one ever HEARD of my school, let alone watched them on tv. The student body didn't really care too much about sports, honestly. So this, this school spirit that has tens of thousands of people on Franklin St right now, is completely new to me. I can't even imagine what being an undergrad here is like. 

So instead of working on my Master's Paper and studying, I went out for an amazing dinner and watched basketball. good times. Somehow, I don't think my 2 readers will appreciate that excuse. 

YEAH CAROLINA TAR HEELS!!!!! #1!!!!