memories.

It's Easter. But I'm Jewish, so I don't celebrate it. But since half of my family is Roman Catholic, so we'd always go to those grandparents' house for Easter. A few weeks ago I was in CVS and found the Easter eggs my grandfather used to hide for us. They're pure sugar, but I love them. So I bought them, and just ate one, and it brought back so many memories. Memories of simpler times. Before people got cancer, before people died. My brother, my cousin, and I would run around the acre + yard and practically tackle each other to get the most Easter eggs. We would all eat our Easter candy that was overflowing from our baskets, not worrying about being fat or the calories, just trying to trade each other for the candy we loved. And then the rigatoni with the homemade "gravy", as Nana calls it. ('Cause that's the REAL Italian way).

Last week, Passover started, and I really missed being with my family. This year especially, I acutely felt the distance. I missed my grandmother's matzoh ball soup, and making latkes, and explaining the seder plate....I missed outsmarting my brother to get the Afikoman. And the yummy Passover chocolate chip bread, and the cookies....mmmmm. I especially regret that I'm not there to see my nephew during Passover and Easter. He'll be 2 on friday and I could just soak him up all day. 

I wasn't sure how I felt about the holidays this year. I believe in G-d, I have faith......but lately, I kind of think G-d's on my shitlist. And I shouldn't say that. I know I shouldn't. But when bad things happen to good people, when medicine fails, when children get sick, when dreams don't come true despite hard work....I just don't understand. Eventually I always come around and realize G-d isn't really responsible for all that, but still....I was listening to Fireflight, and there's a line in one of their songs - I think this is it - "...faith is moving without knowing...". And to a certain extent, I'm struggling with that in general, I think. My life is up in the air right now. My future has been turned upside down. Don't think that just because I go to class and the gym and do my schoolwork and dress cute that I am over the PhD failure. Don't think that for one minute. I have to fight those feelings every day, still. And I probably will until I am accepted next year (hopefully). I don't know if I will have a job. I don't know where I will live. I am running out of money soon, with not even a summer nanny job on the horizon. I really am trying to let go and believe things happen for a reason, that some sort of faith will help.