writer's block

So.....instead of writing the part of my thesis that is due, oh, tomorrow, I am blogging. Yup. Blogging. I am blocked with my thesis. I think because I psych myself out with it. I just need to start treating it like a regular paper and not put so much emphasis on it. As one of my commenters mentioned, I think I'm getting too caught up in the rye. (Catcher in the Rye reference). He (the commenter) wrote, ...just don't let too many of the questions and answers weigh down the beauty in you. Maybe let go of your present. Remember what you loved that got you to the point you have the opportunity to write this paper. Maybe find the innocent beauty in why you went to where you are....And you know what? Maybe I need to let go right now, and just WRITE. Maybe I need to remember what it is I love about pediatric oncology that made me want to go into the field, and write my thesis on it anyway. And why I went to where I am? Well, that's easy....16 years ago Erik died of ALL. I went to a small private school, and most of us started in kindergarten or first grade there, so by the time we reached middle school, everyone knew everyone. I don't even remember when Erik was first diagnosed, but I remember when things started to get bad, and they needed platelets. My mother donated. And then I remember being told that he had passed away - it was on a Sunday, because I was cheering at a basketball game....and us cheerleaders were told not to tell the boys, because they need to be able to play the game - but all of us knew about Erik before the game started. I remember going over to my mother and saying, "Erik died anyway, the platelets didn't save him...." Of course, this was before I knew what platelets did....but I remember that helpless feeling -- the feeling that this wasn't supposed to happen. He was 13, after all. And you know what? That was the catalyst that got me involved in oncology. That naive, childish, hopeful idea that I could go into oncology and make a difference - the difference that Erik never got. The simplistic beauty of that idea is what I need to get back. I need to hold onto that to write this thesis, I think. 

believing in something...

Despite having had more than nine years of private Jewish day school education, I don't necessarily consider myself an overly "religious" person. Do I have strong ties to my Judaism and return to it time and time again when questioning my religious beliefs? Yes. When push comes to shove, will I align myself with Israel and vow to return there one day - hopefully sooner rather than later? Yes. When things get difficult, are the prayers I recite to myself Jewish ones? Yes. But would I ever consider becoming Orthodox? Though I consider many Orthodox customs beautiful, it's not for me. Would I ever make aliyah to Israel? Right now, that answer is no. But as I've gotten older, I find my religion - maybe it's not even religion so much as beliefs - becoming a significant part of who I am and what I want in life. 

I was talking with someone last night, and we had a wonderful discussion of religion and spiritual beliefs and G-d. He is Catholic, but actually doesn't believe in religion, or even G-d. And for some reason, this really, really bothered me. I can respect it, but I can't necessarily understand it. And I know that's okay, but it really made me wonder. For me, presonally, I cannot believe that we, as humans, are the end-all, be-all. When it comes down to it, I have to believe in something bigger than myself - some sort of Higher Power. Do I believe G-d is omnipotent? No. Bad things happen to good people, people we love get sick and die, terrible things happen to groups of people and cultures and countires.....but I have to believe there is something, anything, more. Especially in oncology. But it's even the little things - when I listen to my nephew on the phone, that is G-d. When I see him and hug him, there is no doubt in my mind that something bigger exists. Maybe I have been through too many rainy and grey days and come out the other side to not believe. And I'm not sure I could ever explain that to anyone the way I really want to. 

my favorite teacher

Sometimes, in pictures like this one, I think I can see a resemblance between my nephew and I. And that might sound weird, but it's not - my brother, when he was younger, looked so much like our cousin. After all, we're related. And I think to myself how lucky I am to have this little boy in my life. In less than 2 years, Trey has taught me so much about life and love and myself. Funny how kids are teachers like that. 

Still no word from any PhD programs. Now I'm starting to get REALLY nervous. But maybe that's a good sign? Maybe I'm not flat out rejected? But really, if I am, I'd rather get it over with sooner than later. My nerves can't take much more of this crap. I want to be able to start planning my summer, and planning my life. And if I get in to Hopkins or Yale, I want to visit them over spring break - you know, 'cause it'd be nice to actually SEE the places I applied to. Sometimes I want Yale so bad I can taste it. And it's weird, because they're not even a top ten program (whereas UNC is tied with Harvard at #2 for public health). I like Yale because of their partnership with the NCI and the fellowship they have, there are some amazing behavioral psychologists there I'd love to work with, and the cancer epidemiology program just seems amazing, with opportunities to tie it in with psychosocial epi. But there's a huge part of me that doesn't want to admit all that because if I don't get in, I'll be crushed. 

Tomorrow in my pediatric pharm class is the lecture on peds heme/onc - basically, THE reason I signed up for the class. I am ridiculously excited. More excited than anyone should ever be for a 3 hour lecture. This is the state of my life as a graduate student. 

I (heart) pottery barn kids

For those of you that know me well, it's not a surprise that I love to pore over the Pottery Barn kids and PB Teen catalogs. Funny - domestic I'm not, but I adore Pottery Barn. I love looking through the catalog and planning out nurseries and bedrooms in my head. I don't like the adult Pottery Barn so much, though. Anyway, if you've ever looked through a catalog, the names they choose to show on sheets/towels/whatever tend to be preppy, sort of "stuffy" names. BUT - I was looking through the new catalog, and my name is in it! TWICE! Spelled correctly, for a girl!!! So exciting. I never thought I'd see the day where my name is in a PB catalog. woooo! I don't know why this makes me so happy, but it does. Hey, it's the little things. 

The semester is starting to get a little smoother, finally. I feel more in control of my classes and academic work, like I have most of it under control. There is the little problem of my Master's Paper, though. I've altered my topic to be "Secondary Malignancies after Childhood Acute Lymphoblstic Leukemia and Childhood Hodgkin's Disease". It's a great topic, one with lots of data, and one that interests me, but every time it comes time for me to do work on it, I stall. I think it's just the sheer idea of the damn paper that makes me freeze. I have got to get over this. What am I going to do when it comes time for my dissertation? This is NOTHING compared to that. I need a good kick in the ass - I have part of the paper due to my readers on March 2, and right now....I have a bunch of printed out journal articles. That's it. Good times. 

what matters.

God, I miss this little boy. Good thing I see him soon!! How could you possibly have a bad day after seeing this picture? That's the thing with kids.....they remind you what life is all about. For my Pediatric Pharmacotherapy class, as an extra credit thing we can go to the pediatric playroom in the hospital for a 2hour time block and play with the kids, and then write a paper on it. The teacher is doing this because many of the pharm students have never been around sick kids, and she wants them to have that exposure. But it's like I told the guy at the car place when he commented on my Peds Onc book - kids are kids. Sick kids are like well kids, and they can change places at any time. Hope is intrinsic in children, they love so freely and wholly that they remind us what is truly important. They love unconditionally. It's a good reminder to me, when I feel like my life will be over if I don't get into a doctoral program, to look at pictures of my nephew, or talk to him on the phone, and remember that life is so much more than diplomas and letters after our names. What's really important?  

what gender is YOUR coffee?

I'm back on somewhat solid ground now; the semester feels a little more do-able and in control. I'm doing well in my Pediatric Pharm class, my grant is due tuesday, and I'm slowly starting to at least THINK about my Master's Paper. I'm still very anxious about PhD acceptances....I had a feeling I might find out this week, but nothing yet. Every time I see that I have another email, my heart races, b/c I think it might be a notification. I hope my first response is a good one...you know, to set the tone. 

So I got to campus a little early today and decided to go to the global education center, to their little cafe/coffee shop they have. And there's a sign on the register that says that they are renaming their drink that is currently called "Tough Guy Chai", and that suggestions are welcome. But not just any suggestions - they are especially looking for "gender-neutral" names for the drink. I'm sorry, but when your coffee drink needs a gender-neutral name, I think we've taken this a little too far. 

a photo history

Obviously, we've established that I love my nephew like none other. I completely understand now what my family meant when they told me my Uncle Steven loved my brother and I like we were his own. I love Trey like my uncle loved us. I think not a day has gone by in Trey's life when his picture hasn't been taken. Really. Above are some pics from mostly the first year of his life, and the last one is more recent. I can't believe he was so small......where has the time gone?? 

a different point of view

It's funny how things can change depending on your viewpoint. When I was at the car place yesterday paying for the new sensor thing I got, I had placed my book, Principles and Practice of Pediatric Oncology, on the table, and the guy working there was like, "Man, that's terrible", gesturing to my book. And I explained that, no, it's not terrible - kids are kids, and sick kids aren't so different from healthy kids in many ways. 

Driving home, I was talking to my grandmother and she was telling me about her lymphedema sleeve that she recently got. And I know she's very frustrated and disappointed about having lymphedema, which is totally understandable. She said, "I thought I would be one of the lucky ones. But I guess I wasn't." And I thought about it and said, "No, you are one of the lucky ones. Your cancer was caught early, it didn't metastasize to even the lymph nodes, your surgery was successful - you were, you ARE one of the lucky ones." And I'm not an overly optimistic Pollyanna, as many of you know - especially when it comes to health issues, sometimes I can be a little too blunt - but I honestly have come to look at things differently. I think in order to survive in oncology, I've had to do that. 

fight like a girl

it never ends

Shit. Shit shit shit. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has had surgery today for pancreatic cancer. She's being treated at Sloan-Kettering; you can read the article here. I hope she is one of the lucky few whose cancer was caught very early and hasn't metastasized.