to go, or not to go?

Apparently, Trey wanted me to put this picture on the blog. 

This is me and my roommate, Jessica. 

Shannon (Jessica's friend), me, and Jessica - they're very happy I'm out with them.

I'm debating going to the LAF summit in OH now, because I got the itinerary and I'm really disappointed because they really sold out - just a lot of reasons I don't feel like getting into it now. But long story short, for all their work with AYA issues, there are NO AYA speakers, and the chance they had to bring attention to various cancers, they picked a breast cancer survivor - when there's already so much publicity with breast cancer. I just sort of have an icky feeling. But then all my friends from past LAF events were like, well, come to the Summit to see us, and also to spread the message about AYAs. So I'm torn, because would I get more work done if I stay in NY? For the first time, I'm not sure how I feel about this. And I need to figure it out, ASAP. 

my current obsession

 I am obsessed with these top-siders. I love them to death. I wear a women's size 8, if anyone feels so generously inclined to surprise me with them, you can buy them by clicking here.

the choices we make

This is my dad and I, outside of Madison Square Garden. And me, holding my ice cream.

Today was a very, very busy day. And thank goodness it is Friday. I feel like it's been the longest week EVER. I also feel like I've accomplished a decent amount. I interviewed people for the retinoblastoma study, entered data, revised some lit reviews, peer-reviewed an article with my colleagues, figured out a Master's Paper topic and did an outline, and did some serious thinking about what I plan to next fall (2009). 

In lighter topics, I also got the cutest dress at Urban Outfitters - very Marc Jacobs, but actually affordable. I rationalized it by making sure I can wear it to work. It's for school, so to speak. (Mom, Stacey and Clinton would LOVE it!). And I had dinner in the city with my dad and his girlfriend. I am exhausted. So exhausted that we tried to go to Pinkberry for dessert, and I was so tired that I totally made wrong turns and wound up walking us in a big circle in midtown. Good times. So I got some ice cream from a Mister Softee truck instead. 

Anyway.....so....I promised someone I'd write about this, and here it is. In 2006, after I got my MS in health psych, I was supposed to start school in NY in the fall, for psychology again. I was at a friend's house, whom I interned at the hospital with, and she said to me, "Jaime, why are you doing psychology? You're heart isn't in it, your heart is in medicine. You're doing this half-assed, and that's not you." I told her it was too late to change my mind, I'd already paid the deposit for school, I was supposed to leave in a few weeks.....but she was adamant that it wasn't the path I was supposed to take. But it got me thinking, and I realized Elisabeth was right. I loved being at the hospital, I loved oncology, I devoured books on medicine and cancer and women's health, I loved my job at the doctor's office - what was I doing? So 2 or 3 weeks before I was supposed to move, I called the school and withdrew. I decided to stay in NJ, work full time at the doctor's office, and figure out whether I really wanted to do a post-bac premed program or not. I was terrified - for the first time in my life, I had no plan. In some ways, it was a huge relief - I knew, for the most part, my family was not too pleased, but my decision freed me in a way - I had no one's expectations to live up to but my own now. I think I surprised everyone by staying in NJ, even myself. I'd been trying to convince myself for so long that psych was my thing. And don't get me wrong, I do love it - but in a different way....in a more applied, medical way now, I guess. But I do still love my Freud and Jung and Rogers and attachment theory!  But it was also very scary - I had some big decisions to make, and quite honestly, in some ways, it felt like a failure. It took a long time to realize it wasn't; that it was probably one of the bravest decisions I've ever made. 

Anyway, I wanted to babysit as well as work at the doctor's office - I'd always babysat, I loved kids, I'm good at it - why not? So I put an ad on craigslist, and got an email back a few days later. This email said they were looking for a (preferably) full-time, live-in nanny for their 2 small boys, etc etc, and when the father signed his name, Michael, I realized that this was actually the husband of one of the ob/gyns I worked for - but he had NO idea that I worked for his wife Jonel. Out of the thousands of emails on the Web, somehow, the paths crossed. So I emailed him, saying that I think I work for his wife, actually. Long story short, we decided to try it part-time, until they got a nanny. So 2 days out of the week, after work, I'd go to their house and play, make dinner, help with homework, take them to karate, do laundry, etc. It was funny, because although I'd worked on and off for the office for 5 years at that point, I didn't really know Jonel very well, and was really nervous. And sometimes, on weekends, I'd babysit if they went out, etc. I loved it. Mondays I'd help Michael with dinner, then maybe go play a few games of Memory - the kids were adorable, and I really enjoyed their company. There were so many funny incidents that make me laugh just thinking about it. (I'm sure they remember the time B asked me if I "had a 'gina"). Slowly, we got into a routine, and it was nice. Wednesdays, Jonel was on call, and if it (by some miracle) wasn't busy at the hospital, she'd be home, and we'd make dinner or make the bed, and talk about medicine and school. It was actually after a conversation with her that I realized I wanted to go into public health, not medicine. The weeks and months went by, and since there was no full-time nanny yet, I continued to babysit. They were (are) so great - when my car needed to be fixed and I was going to rent a car, they lent me the nanny's car; when I stayed at their house and watched the kids for a few days while they were away and my Jeep was slowly dying, they insisted I use either of their cars, even when not driving the boys around. Jonel always tried to make sure I had some fruit or veggies (esp blueberries, for the antioxidants) with dinner, and Michael knew I loved the veggie lasagna - or as B called it, "pasagna". Michael and the boys and I would talk about college football (Miami and Penn State), politics (well, not the boys so much), current events, everything - even Michael and Jonel trying to hook me up with the boys' karate teacher, lol! It was easy and relaxed and I loved being a part of it. Eventually, after my nephew was born, and after I decided on Carolina, they did find a full-time nanny, and though it made me really really sad, I knew that that would happen eventually. 

It was weird to all of a sudden go home on Mondays and Wednesdays and not hear, "Jaime, jaime! Look at what I made in school!" (C), or "Jaime, can I ask you something? Do you have kids?" (B). It was odd not bantering about politics with Michael or talking and cooking with Jonel. It was even weird not seeing Lizzie, the cat. I'd gotten so used to all of it that its absence was noticeable. When I saw them again after being in Carolina, it was like nothing had changed, and I realized that some people are like that - if you're lucky enough, these people will be in your life in some way, for a while, and make it that much richer. To this day, whenever I see Carnation Instant Breakfast, I smile, and whenever I see a Penn State sticker on a car, it reminds me of them. Somehow, that year in NJ turned out to be really good, and I gained 4 wonderful people in my life because of it. 

 Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends leave footprints on your heart. - Eleanor Roosevelt

the nanny diaries

To all mothers/nannies/dads with strollers, especially the huge SUV strollers that so many people in Manhattan feel the need to buy: other people do not like it when they are hit in the legs with said strollers, clipped on the ankles, having to climb over them like it's "Survivor" just to get out of the subway, getting shoved out of the way to get into an elevator, and having to pull a McGuyver-like move just to get inside your home after the entrances are blocked by a stroller brigade. Don't get me wrong - I'm a nanny (hey Luke, Marissa, and Rachel! Hey Bryce and Chase!), and I understand what it's like to manuver those things. And believe me, I, too, lust after a Bugaboo (the pink Chameleon) and love the kids' BumbleRide stroller and Maclaren. But there's a time and place for your Snap n' Go, and sometimes, it's not here. 

Sorry, I had to get that off my chest - as much as I ADORE kids and love them like crazy, sometimes, I get annoyed when people don't have simple stroller etiquette. Like at least apologizing if they clip your ankle. Or cut you off. Manners, people, manners. 

I  met a medical sociologist at MSKCC today. I'm learning more about medical sociology and medical anthropology, and there's lots of overlap with public health, and so much you can do in those fields. So we're meeting next week to discuss stuff, which I thought was so nice of her. I swear, everyone has been nothing but helpful and nice at MSKCC. I love it. 

In other news, I was asked by Elle magazine to also be a book reviewer for their November issue! Since Oct was non-fiction, Nov is fiction. They just sent me 5 nonfiction to read for the yearly prize, and they're sending me 3 fiction books to judge, and then I'm assuming 5 fiction books for the yearly prize!! Yay! Free books! 

oh - and since I promised him, I wanted to say hi to Michael and Jonel! I miss you guys!

High Point: the aforementioned free books, my favorite soup (Italian Lentil with Pastini) being one of the special soups of the day at Hale and Hearty

Low Point: having a headache that lasted all day, lusting after chocolate M&Ms but never actually going out and getting them

"And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." - Sylvia Plath (one of my favorite writers)

this thing called life....

Today I spent almost 2 hours on the phone with a woman who had bilateral retinoblastoma and had both eyes enucleated (removed) by the time she was 4. And yet she held a job as a clinical social worker, was doing gardening outside when I called her, and pretty much runs her household. Amazing. She was very talkative, and had the best attitude ever. I got off the phone thinking to myself, If I had lost both eyes at such a young age, would I be as happy as she is? Would I find the strength to overcome it and lead a full life, or would I let bitterness and resentment build up and color the rest of my life that way? I'm not sure. Her tenacity amazed me. And I know that, especially at such a young age, sometimes people just forge through, because they don't have any other choice (like Lucy Grealy, in her AMAZING autobiography Autobiography of a Face), but I also know that people get eaten up by their anger and self-pity. And then, at 7pm, I had an interview with a woman who had unilateral retinoblastoma and had an eye removed at the age of 2. She was also really amazing - very funny, and really enthusiastic about the study. I've found that because it's not a "popular" cancer to talk about, those who've survived it are so eager to share their stories and thoughts and experiences - in fact, Wendy, a doctor I worked for and one of my role models, once said to me, "Most people, I think, would love to tell their stories, if they knew someone wanted to listen." So, so, so true. So true. 

High Point: getting the DVD of the Audrey Hepburn movie "Funny Face" for only $9!, finding the UES outpost of Ciao Bella, a place with amazing gelato

Low Point: running out of Diet Coke at  home

"I can be changed by what happens to me. I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

this summer......

I was walking home from the bodega tonight and it was so nice and....neighborhood-like where I live and in that moment, I realized why I still love Manhattan. People still talk to neighbors on their stoops or on the sidewalks, and when you look up at the buildings cutting into the midnight blue sky, it gives you a sense of being part of something much, much bigger. But I definitely could not have done this summer without the help of my family, so I wanted to thank them for the encouragement, phone calls, and support in everyway possible. 

Obviously, my nephew back in December. He makes me laugh if I've had a tough day and reminds me whats REALLY important. 

This is my mom. She's camera-shy. 

This is my brother, Brad - yeah, I can't believe this boy is a father, either. 

These are my 3 grandparents and I at my MS graduation. 

This is my dad and nephew back at Christmas time (obviously). 

There are many other people, too, that have supported me in some way this summer, and I can't thank them all by name - and I'm sure I'd miss some, anyway - but know that I have it all in my heart and I appreciate it more than I can ever say. 

all this before I've had my coffee.....

Stealing Reg's theme of why she fears the federal government, I have to say, I was reading the NY Times online this morning, and this is why *I* fear our government.

There's also an amusing little article on therapy and email, which caught my eye, because there's always so much controversy about that in the psychotherapy world - do we give our email addresses to clients? All of them, including the borderline? Or just those we know won't abuse it and email us with suicidal emails at 4am? The last thing we need is an email threatening self-harm that you don't get until hours later, or an angry, lashing out email in lieu of a productive conversation.

I had a nice thing happen on my way to work - a man actually let me go in front of him when we got off the subway and we were all trying to get down the steps in the station. He was a big, hulking thing of a man, and I was going to let him go in front of me, but he waved me ahead. That was nice. So I thanked him - little things like that sort of renew my faith in people.

frustration

Remember these books when we were little??

If there's one thing I cannot stand, it's rudeness. And I am slowly getting tired of NY's rudeness. Everywhere I go - from the subway to Starbucks to my OWN LAUNDRY ROOM, where someone dumped my wet laundry because *I* was waiting for the person using the dryer to get HER stuff out - but did I take HER stuff out? No. Couldn't this person have waited like, 10 minutes? Geez. I'm so, so, so, SO irritated right now. And it's just kind of grating after a while, the lack of manners and civility. It sucks the energy from you. 

I just downloaded a bunch of Jem songs....here are the lyrics to "It's Amazing"...

Do it now

You know who you are

You feel it in your heart

And you're burning and wishing

At first wait, won't get it on a plate

You're gonna have to work for it harder and harder

And I know 'cause I've been there before

Knockin' on the doors with rejection (rejection)

And you'll see cause if it's meant to be

Nothing can compare to deserving your dream

It's amazing, it's amazing all that you can do

It's amazing, makes my heart sing

Now it's up to you

Patience now, frustration in the air

And people who don't care

Well it's gonna get you down

And you'll fall

Yes you will hit a wall 

But get back on your feet

And you'll be stronger and smarter

And I know cause I've been there before

Knockin' down the doors won't take no for an answer

And you'll see cause if it's meant to be

Nothing can compare to deserving your dream

It's amazing it's amazing all that you can do 

It's amazing makes my heart sing

Now it's up to you

favorite song of the moment

Okay, so I think I'm a bit behind on this song....but it's my favorite song right now. It's Marie Digby's cover of Rhianna's "Umbrella".

crazy times on the UES

oh, Pinkberry, how I love you.

This is Jessi, future WNBAer

I knew there was a reason I never played b-ball

So. An eventful Sunday. After waking up late, I had to do work, so I went to 'Bucks for a while, and then my friend Jessi came over and we had some dinner at Dorrian's Red Hand, which is a bar/grill on the Upper East Side....those of you who are, um, a little bit older, might remember this place as the venue where Robert Chambers met Jennifer Levine back in 1986....the so-called "Preppy Murder". So we had some dinner and then decided to walk around, and then we went to Jessi's favorite watering hole, Ryan's Daughter, where we proceeded to kick butt at basketball and met a Yalie named Henry. After working up a sweat there, we headed to Pinkberry for some heaven in a cup. And now I am getting ready for the week ahead......