the right kinds of regrets.

I still haven't made an official decision on school yet. Which is kinda dumb, considering I really only HAVE one acceptance yet. I'm still waiting on UNC, and to be honest, if I am accepted there, the choice may be really hard to make. And I'm scared that I may make the choice based on the wrong reasons.

Everyone on Facebook in the MFA group says not to go into debt. But from my standpoint, every graduate degree comes with some sort of debt. It's not an entitlement. I also am not getting this degree simply "for the craft." I see it as a means to an end, to be a teacher, and to be a professional, in addition to being a writer. I see it as learning the tools of the trade, of language and words, of English and composition. When I graduate, I don't have a problem with working full-time, whereas many of these people want to concentrate on their writing, or their books. Maybe that's the difference between where we're coming from.

But I worry that if I got into UNC, I would make the choice based solely on having less debt when I graduate, along with being able to stay in my life here, in a place where I am comfortable and safe and that I love. Less change and risk. In short, I may make my decision based on fear, rather than hope. I may sabotage my dream. I am fully aware of this.

I've mentioned before my "dirty thirty" post when I turned 30. I am trying to consciously avoid acting from a place of "no" and act from a place of "yes", but it's hard. There's a song I fell in love with back in December, and it's beginning to take off now - Tamar Kaprelian's "New Day." The chorus exemplified how I felt when I turned 30, and it's still true today.

Say goodbye, say goodbye

To the way I was before

Say hello, say hello to a new way

I was lost but I found

What I was looking for

Waking up, waking up to a new day

Am I ready to take the next step? Am I ready and willing to believe wholeheartedly in myself and my abilities? How much am I willing to invest in my dream? I don't want to have regrets - at least, if I do have regrets, I want them to be the right ones, as K said to me today. I chose PCOM over UMiami and regret it to this day. I don't want to do that again. I don't want to live with the "what ifs" and the "I wish I should haves." And I'm afraid that if I don't go to Columbia, I will have to live with that for the rest of my life. I feel, already, at the age of 30, that I have too many regrets already. When do I draw the line? Is regretting not going to Columbia a worse regret than pinching pennies for the rest of my life to pay student loans? What about the off chance that I wind up with an agent and book deal? I'll never know unless I take that risk.