pomp and circumstance. or not.

I am done my Master's Paper, turning it in tomorrow, and tomorrow is my last real day of classes. I have a sports medicine class on monday, but that's it. My MPH is over. I had my exit interview today, and I didn't hold back....for the most part. The truth is yes, in many ways, I am disappointed in my department for many reasons, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love Carolina and Chapel Hill, I have met some truly amazing and wonderful people, and I did learn a lot -- just not in the classroom. Most of the important things that I learned, I learned from my friends and their work experiences. I learned about rural health from Regina, LGBTIQ issues from Lauren, international issues from numerous people in my cohort, and just simply talking with other people who have differing opinions and viewpoints was a learning opportunity. THAT is what I am taking with me. That is what I love most about my program. That is what I will miss.

I was asked if I was going to go to graduation, and the answer is no. I was asked whether it was out of principle or if it conflicted with something else, and I answered honestly - out of principle. But not the principle people might think. Honestly, yes, at first, it was mortification about walking in front of the HBHE people who voted against me. But it's become more. I feel betrayed by my department a little bit - I got more support and better recommendations from those NOT in my department. I got more guidance from people in other departments and people not even in SPH. To be brutally honest, even my PCP at student health showed more interest in my career plans and gave more emotional encouragement than anyone in my department. I mean, hell, I'm under orders from her to email her about jobs when I hear *anything*, and she also had wanted me to email her each time I heard from a PhD program. If I sound bitter, I'm not. I'm being honest. I know that no graduate program is perfect. I love UNC, and most of the people in my department. Would I have applied to HBHE instead 2 years ago, if I knew then what I know now? Possibly. But I would, in the end, not trade this experience for anything. Like I told my advisor today, I have gained things from the past 2 years that no one can teach in a classroom, but more importantly, no one can take away. I have gained self-reliance, I know more about who I am and what I stand for, and I've learned that sometimes, speaking up isn't popular, but necessary. I've learned resilience and perserverance, gained some confidence about my abilities, and become more secure with myself. The past 2 years have reaffirmed my interest in oncology, and has shown me how much I still need to learn. The best summer of my life came out of being at UNC.

But all that aside, another reason I am not going to graduation is because, even now, weeks later, I am not happy with the MPH, knowing this is it for now. This was not my plan. This is not how it was supposed to be. I'm sure you're all sick of reading about this and hearing it, but let me have this for now. The PhD has been a general goal of mine since undergrad, and once I found psychosocial oncology, I love the field so much and am so passionate about it, that I wasn't going to settle for anything less than a PhD, so I could fulfill my goals. There is no joy in this degree right now. I am still very, very disappointed with myself, and very angry at myself. I still feel like I failed, every day. When you've wanted something so badly for so long, and planned your life around it, it's devastating when things go wrong. I am not "over it" yet, and probably won't be fully vindicated until I get into a PhD program, hopefully next year. I cannot sit there at graduation and be proud of myself right now. I don't want my family to celebrate this, because I'm not celebrating anything.