finding a shade of gray

I think we've established who this is, from the million other pics I've posted of him. But isn't he the most adorable thing you've ever seen???

I am someone who thinks in black and white terms. Shades of grey are not typical for me. I think in all-or-nothing terms, usually. This can be good and bad. I think this kind of thinking is typical for driven, high-achieving people, but it can also make me my own worst enemy. I know this. But I was talking with my pcp here today at school, and she's like me - very black and white, etc. - and she said maybe I have to rearrange my thinking. And I know she's right. We talked about this some more, about why I want a PhD, etc, and I know that I have to seek out the gray areas. And I know it's not just black/white/gray; there are gradations of color all around me. Have I finally accepted that I will not be in a PhD program this year? Yes. Does that make me feel like any less of a failure? No, not right now. Maybe I just need time. 

In other news, I have a new family I am nannying for....and they live in my neighborhood, which is super convenient. He's a single dad, a peds cardiologist, with 2 kids, ages 9 and 11. These kids are so wonderful -- they are so mannerly and sweet; I love watching them. The 11 year old, the girl, K, cracks me up. She's so mature for her age and says the funniest things. C, the 9 year old boy, is a sweetheart and really funny. Last week I babysat overnight (b/c the dad is in the hospital on call) twice, and had a blast. We saw a movie the first night, came back and had dinner, then played basketball outside and did some homework and watched SNL, the second night I took them to lacrosse practice and did the soccer-mom type thing, and then went out for dinner. They're smart, sensitive kids. Their parents are divorced, and I know what that's like, so that broke the ice a little bit. I love taking care of children. I don't know why I love it so much. It just feels natural. Sometimes I feel like I relate better to them than adults! Children soften me, I think, which probably adds to why I love babysitting. And as crazy as this might sound, I truly do love each and every kid I babysit. I have to, in order to do my job well. Kids are amazing. They have this way of looking at the world that is so simple it makes sense in its innocence. They show affection freely and without reserve. Life is full of excitement for them. I like being around that -- it reminds me what is really important in life sometimes, and renews my faith in the goodness of people. 

About a week and a half ago, my friend Lauren's friend, Jaclyn, came to town to do a reading of her new book, Yes Means Yes!: Visions of Female Sexual Power and a World without Rape, and I was lucky enough to meet Jaclyn and go to dinner with her afterwards. Let me tell you, if you have not read this book, go to the bookstore NOW, and read it. It is a collection of essays and each one is so uniquely interesting and thought-provoking. I'm going to put an excerpt from Jaclyn's essay, "In Defense of Going Wild..." -- it's probably my favorite essay of the bunch, but all of them are excellent. 

I am one of Those Girls.

I have taken my shirt (and occasionally more) off for an audience. Sometimes to make a political point. Sometimes just because somebody asked. But almost always for the sheer pleasure of it, for the thrill of sexual power that comes from holding a room in your thrall....Wild sexual behavior is risky at best and stupid at worst, right?

Right?

No. Of course not. Stupid is nowhere near the worst. If you're a woman, wild sexual behavior is downright fucking dangerous. Not only can you "get yourself " raped, but you're also damn likely to find yourself blamed for it. After all, you should have known better. 

I'm over the whole thing. Start to finish. And I hereby declare my right to be wild and still maintain my bodily autonomy. 

Look, life is full of "stupid". Bungee jumping is stupid. Playing football is stupid. Running for president (even student body president) is stupid. Riding a motorcycle is stupid. Public speaking is stupid. Falling in love is stupid. Writing this essay is stupid. They're all likely to end in heartbreak, embarassment, injury, or all of the above. But nobody except your mother is likely to try to talk you out of doing them, and no one, including your mother, is going to blame you or deny you the assistance you need to recover if, in the course of doing them, another person physically assaults you. 

And there's the rub: risks are inherent in any behavior....But rape is not a risk inherent in partying or in "wild" sexual behavior. 

I'll repeat that: Rape is NOT a risk inherent in unregulated partying or sexual behavior. Need proof? Consider this: it's not a risk for nearly half the population. I've never met a straight man whow worried about being raped as he contemplated a night of debauchery. Vomiting in public? Yes. Getting rejected by sexual prospects? Sure. Getting in a fight? Maybe. Getting raped? Come on. ........

.....And yet it's true: women and girls can keep ourselves safe using our very own bodies. No pepper spray. No whistles. Even women who don't work out, or are "overweight" or physically impaired. If we spent even a fraction of the time we use to teach girls to fear for their bodies, teaching them to use their bodies for their own protection instead, there'd be a hell of a lot less for any of us to worry about. Because the most practical way to reduce the risk of rape for all women is to create a culture in which the rapist has to worry that he'll get hurt. 

Will any of this work 100 percent of the time? Nope. Again: life is risk. But this kind of complex message gives women real choices. Equipping them with the information and tools they need to protect themselves, and then trusting them to make their own decisions, will work a heck of a lot better than knowing less and living in fear. And it will give every woman a fighting chance at a world where she can go out and get a little crazy sometimes if she wants to. Where she can dance and drink and flirt and fool around because it feels good. A world where her pleasure is actually important. That's the world I'm living in. Care to join me?

There is so much good stuff in this book that I could keep writing....so just go to the bookstore and buy it. Please. These are fresh, young, diverse voices that have the power to change the way we see things.