middle ground

Oh. My. G-d. I am exhausted. I babysat the twins today for 4.5 hours, and let me tell you - it is definitely a full-time job, as all kids are. But there's two of them. It's A LOT harder than I thought....and I wasn't expecting it to be easy. But when neither one is eating lunch and you're trying to calm a screaming baby and trying to feed the other one without getting food all over the place, it's hard. Then they smile at you with their big gummy smiles, so honest and innocent, and you fall in love with them all over again. 

Still trying to figure out some sort of time management/schoolwork routine and trying not to get too overwhelmed . I had a huge craving for Zabar's hamentashen today. And an H&H bagel. And, of course, Pinkberry. I miss feeling like I was living on the pulse of everything. It's a dynamic energy in the air in Manhattan that can be overstimulating and overwhelming, but also very exciting and satisfying. I'm trying to find that middle ground between NY and Chapel Hill again. I miss my work at MSKCC a lot, and often think of it. I miss that singular focus on oncology and everything that goes with it. I miss being in an environment where the passion for it is almost palpable. I miss feeling like my work is actually making a difference. This summer, I woke up every morning, excited to get on the subway and go downtown to work. I did work on the weekends and enjoyed it. I miss that. 

"Believe that your life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact." - William James, American psychologist and philosopher (thanks, K!)

picture time again!

Are these not the cutest things you've ever seen? Of course, I'm a little biased. I miss my baby nephew!! 

decisions

Today was my first day of classes, complete with riding the bus to school......and though it was a very, VERY long day, and I am exhausted, I feel pretty good about it. My work is definitely cut out for me this semester, and if I think too long about it, I'm a little overwhelmed. But I just won't think about it. 

In other news, Christina Applegate, who is 36 years old, went public with the news that she had a double mastectomy three weeks ago and will undergo reconstruction over the next 8 months. Her breast cancer was caught early through a doctor-ordered MRI because of her mother's breast cancer history, and only in one breast, but she elected for a prophylactic double mastectomy because she tested positive for the BRCA 1 mutation. Personally, I think her decision was a brave one, and when faced with a life-threatening situation, the desire to live and be healthy overrides everything. People act like losing a breast and having reconstruction is the worst thing in the world, but I think it is a small price to pay for taking your health into your own hands and gaining some peace of mind. But, everyone is different. Our society puts so much emphasis on women's bodies, and our sexuality and femininity are so wrapped up in our physical selves that to drastically alter them like this really makes people uncomfortable. People get even MORE uncomfortable if the decision is made NOT to have reconstruction. Audre Lorde wrote about this in her awesome book The Cancer Diaries. 

southern village smackdown

So.....I do love living here in Southern Village, but I have to say....it's definitely not NY. I just had a random lady who lives across the circle knock on my door and ask me if my name was Jaime. I said yes and she proceeds to tell me that the reason she knows that is because I had thrown away a large cardboard box full of stuff this morning. And apparently, we're not allowed to throw away cardboard boxes - we need to break them down and put them in the special cardboard box dumpster. So she goes on to explain that there's a "dumpster monitor" who goes around and actually checks to make sure no one's doing this, and if they are, that dumpster gets blocked off. Why? I have no idea. Like......is this the biggest thing to worry about here? Honestly, I felt like I had actually done something WRONG when she was lecturing me. I had to suppress my grin of disbelief the whole time. 

another statistic

I read the news and my heart sank. Like I've written before, it doesn't get any easier, no matter how many people die. At least, not for me. Leroy Sievers died this weekend. He had a blog, My Cancer. Some of you might remember the Ted Koppel documentary about living with cancer that he was in. He had metastatic colon cancer and was only 53. 

transit worries

When I got back to Manhattan in June, I was a little nervous about whether I still remembered the subway routes I used to take, especially because I was living on the East side, so now I had the 6 only - but midtown, where I worked, was another story. So the 6 took a day or two to get used to, but almost immediately it was like nothing had changed. Except I don't do buses in NY. Subways, sure. But buses, I'm afraid of doing something stupid, like getting on one and ending up in Queens or something. So in the year I lived there before, and all summer, I have not used the bus. Which brings me to this: Chapel Hill tranist. I will be taking a bus this year to school. It seems simple enough, walking up the road to the Southern Village Park and Ride lot, and taking the express bus right to UNC hospitals and then walking to SPH. I don't know why I'm so nervous about this - it's not like Chapel Hill is THAT big that I'll find myself somewhere crazy. But it's something new, something I'm not used to, so I guess it's understandable. 

Questions of the Day

This is sort of what my place looks like. Home, sweet home. 

Why is Southern Village so big? I turned in one street too early, and wound up driving around the houses part of the development for a full 6 or 7 minutes, FINALLY winding up at Brookgreen, which I knew led out to the main town square part. And it turns out my street is right off Brookgreen. But seriously, if I didn't know that? I'd probably still be out driving. 

Why are Ikea directions not really directions at all, but drawings of little martian people putting things together? And how come they don't come with hammers and screwdrivers? I had to go to Lowe's and get some. And by the way, they don't sell pink hammers or screwdrivers. Why not? 

And why are printer cartridges so expensive? That's just annoying.

exercise and cancer, and, again, why oncology?

There is an interesting article in the New York Times this morning about exercise and the cancer patient.  It basically talks about how exercise can be really beneficial for those undergoing treatment - like diminishing fatigue, which strikes an inordinate amount of cancer patients/survivors. We're not talking about running marathons or joining the Tour de France, even just walking around the block a bit can help. It was pretty interesting to read. 

I was asked the other day by one of the professors in the department, herself a physician, why I loved oncology so much - especially pediatric oncology, which has the potential to be so heartbreaking. And at first, I honestly couldn't speak. How do I explain the level of passion I have for this without sounding cheesy? How can I convey the need, the basic need, to be in this field, making a difference? I'm not sure. I started talking about how kids are so hopeful, and it's really inspiring, and we've come so far from where we were.....but there's so much more than that. Lance Armstrong's oncologist ( I met him in DC 2 years ago!) said something to Lance, in response to that very same question, and I think it encapsulates much of how I feel. 

"The burden of cancer is enormous, but what greater challenge can you ask? There's no question it's disheartening and sad, but even when you don't cure people, you're always helping them. If you're not able to treat them successfully, at least you can help them manage the illness. You connect with people. There are more human moments in oncology than any other field I could imagine. You never get used to it, but you come to appreciate how people deal with it - how strong they are."  - Dr. Craig Nichols

warm whispers

I wasn't prepared for the silence when I came back. My housemate isn't back in NC yet, so I have the place to myself - and it's so quiet - so UNLIKE Manhattan. It's taking some getting used to. There are no sirens outside, no horns honking....it's kind of nice. But there's also no Starbucks in walking distance, and no Pinkberry or Buttercup Bake Shop or falafel carts. It's a trade-off, I guess. 

After a summer of feverish reading and working on cancer stuff, I have time to read non-cancer stuff, which is refreshing. But I know that this time next week, I'll be swept up in schoolwork again, not to mention starting to figure out plans for next year, application essay writing, and so forth. 

It's really great to be back, though.

Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal: my strength lies solely in my tenacity. - Louis Pasteur

back in the OC

Wow. I am exhausted. I am back in NC, and relieved that the 7-8 hour drive is over. Now I am busy getting things organized in my new place - which is difficult, since my bed won't be delivered until next week, and also because I think I have to go get a chest of drawers and a table or something. So in effect, my room is  a mess. It's utter chaos and disorganization, which I hate. But I am so happy to be back here, and now I have to do the practicum review and field report. 

Do I miss NY? Yes and no. I miss my work at MSKCC, I miss the people there. In a strange way, I miss the background noise of the city, and I miss the ability to walk everywhere. I DON'T miss the prices in NY, and I DON'T miss the rudeness. I'll miss the subways, and I'll miss the shopping. And the food - definitely the food. But I'm really happy to be back in North Carolina, especially in my new neighborhood.