seven years later.......

In the mail today I got my New Yorker, New York Magazine, Bergdorf Goodman magazine, and a Bergdorf Goodman catalog. It was a very New York-centric mail day, to say the least. Funny it should happen to be September 11. Today is one of those days my generation invokes like our parents do the assassination of JFK. Or how many of us Gen Xers invoke the day the Challenger blew up. Seven years ago today I was wearing a white tank top and blue Abercrombie sweatpants, with my pink Air Max Tailwind sneakers. I had a morning class, and our fellow sorority sister Stacy would come by the house and pick my roommate and I up and we'd walk over to the psych building. My roommate and I would usually watch the news while we got dressed and got ready, but for some reason, that day, we didn't. So we had no idea what Stacy was talking about when she told us that a plane hit the WTC. My first thought was, omg, my cousin works there. I pulled out his business card and tried to call him, but the line wouldn't connect - for reasons none of us knew at the time. We walked over to class - and like so many people feel the need to mention, it was an absolutely beautiful fall day that day. Warm, clear blue skies, the sun was shining on our picturesque Northeast campus an hour and a half from NYC, and it seemed like the ideal fall day. We entered the building where class was, and I don't remember who I got on the phone, but I either spoke to my dad or my cousin, who told me that they didn't know much, but they think it was a hijacked plane. Mind you, this hadn't hit the news yet, about the hijacking possibility. It was still unknown chaos at this point. But we knew my cousin was alive at this point, and he was going to be part of whoever was helping these people in the towers. I went to class, we watched tv for about 5 more minutes, and then my teacher turned off the tv and we had our full 2 hour class. It wasn't until after I got out of class that I was told the towers had fallen. I remember this dread washing over me and thinking, naaahhh....how could the towers fall? Impossible. Cousin Michael is there. But it was true. Again and again we watched the twin towers crumple like cardboard into the ground of Manhattan, taking thousands of lives and stories and hopes. It was like watching a movie with the neatest special effects but underlying horror. I kept trying to call my cousin, my grandmother, my parents - but since we were so close to the city, nobody's phone was working. The school had a room with lines that actually got out, and it was mobbed with students calling their families to see if everyone was okay (lots of people had family who lived in the city or worked there) and to assure their families we were fine. I spoke to my dad, who said no one had heard from my cousin since before the buildings fell. 

I went back to the sorority house and was able to call my mother, and I think the horror was finally sinking in - I just remember screaming, "Michael is at the WTC and no one has heard from him since this morning! He's there! I can't get a hold of him!" And her response - "Oh, shit." It was a very scary morning. The campus called everyone to the front lawn for a prayer service and to basically calm everybody down, and also to read a list of the alumni who were working in the towers - and there were a decent amount. 

I remember going to lunch with some of my sisters and barely being able to eat a bagel. Perrie was trying to call her family, who lived in Tribeca, and all of us were still in that hazy, half-shell-shocked daze of did what happen this morning REALLY happen? I finally got a phone call that my cousin was alive and fine, much to my relief. He had been pulling into an underground garage for work when the first plane hit, and he backed out, parked somewhere, and ran to work. He was part of the recovery mission and was at Ground Zero all day that day. He has pieces of the building. I still have a business card of his from the towers. 

My friend Alex and I drove to the nearest Red Cross and tried to donate blood - but we were turned away because they said there was no use for it.

For days, our tv was on almost all the time, with the endless ticker at the bottom of the screen, naming all the victims on the planes, all the families pleading for their loved ones who were "missing" to come home. 

2 years later, I stood on the steps of St. Vincent's hospital in Manhattan and looked at the original scores of Missing posters that were now under glass, attached to the building's wall. It was eerie, seeing these people's lives suspended in time but knowing the outcome. Down the block, on a wire fence, there were dozens and dozens of ceramic ornaments commemorating 9/11. Two years after the fact, the Village was still populated with the ghosts of Ground Zero. NY still is haunted. The images of the buildings still show up in pictures of the skyline, albeit in our mind's eye. When we think of NYC, the towers involuntarily come to mind. Old movies that have shots of the WTC in them bring us, for a second, back to a much different time. Going to Ground Zero in 2003, what struck me was that I was looking, essentially, at a huge graveyard. In the middle of a large, booming, vibrantly alive city, was a mass grave that we all still felt a need to look at. on 9/11/03, living in Manhattan, at the time the first plane hit, bells rang out around the city and everything stopped for one minute. And again at the time the second plane hit. It was a surreal moment. 

So seven years later, here we are. This morning, around 8:30, I was on the bus going to school, and it hit me that today was 9/11 and I looked at my watch, and for the millionth time, thought about what hundreds of lives must have been like in the calm before the storm. It seems like such a long time ago, but at the same time, like just yesterday. 

fighting cancer....and losing

Okay, what could possibly prompt me to post a second time within an hour? The new issue of Newsweek, that's what. It's the one with Sarah Palin on the cover (although what magazine DOESN'T have Palin on the cover this week? you go, girl). But it also has an article entitled We Fought Cancer......And Cancer Won inside. And as I read that, something akin to relief flooded my veins. Because I thought, finally - an honest article that isn't sugarcoated and whitewashed and falsely optimistic. There is a quote in the article by Boston oncologist and cancer survivor Therese Mulvey - "The metaphor of fighting cancer implies the possibility of winning. But some people are just not going to be cured. We've made tremendous strides against some cancers, but on others we're stuck, and even our successes buy some people only a little more time before they die of cancer anyway......With cancer, sometimes death is not optional." And though some might call her pessimistic, I agree with her that the stories of how breast cancer rates have fallen and colonoscopy and fecal occult blood testing have reduced colon cancer allow a false sense of optimism or safety to occur. Cancer still will kill 565, 650 people in the United States this year. That's more than 1,500 people a day. When you read stuff like that, we're still nowhere where we need to be. But, like Otis Brawley of the ACS has said, "One tumor is smarter than 100 brilliant cancer scientists." Harold Varmus, the president of MSKCC, has even said that cancer "...is commonly viewed, as, at best, minimally controlled by modern medicine, especially when compared with other major diseases." Progress among cancers is uneven, and mortality rates vary widely. The old thinking that 5 years of remission means cure is just not true. Breast cancer is known to recur 10, 15, 20 years later. Childhood cancer treatments can cause later malignancies. Micrometastases can show up years later. 

This is what we fight every day. When I dwell on it, the task to figure anything out seems insurmountable. It's kind of depressing. But then I think about my summer at MSKCC, and how NO ONE seemed beaten down or discouraged there. The brainpower and the passion there were invigorating. And it reminds me that this is my goal, this is my chosen field. I can do this. We can do this. 

The only thing that annoys me in the magazine is that Stand Up 2 Cancer has taken out ads on like, every other page practically. In the middle of the article is a 5-6 page advertisement for it. I'm sick of hearing about this. Yeah, it's great, you're raising money, thanks. But I just find it overproduced and glossy and -- dare I say -- misguided. At this point, it's NOT ABOUT THE CURE. It's about survival, and living with cancer. This is a much more realistic way of looking at it. By focusing on cure I feel like you're leaving out a huge chunk of the population. 

Anyway, I'll step down off my soapbox now. 

no such thing as a bad day

It's pouring rain outside and I just woke up, because of a fortuitously canceled research team meeting. It's a good day to stay in bed under the covers. Unfortunately, as a graduate student, I don't really have that option today. And considering I stayed in bed until 11:30, that's way more than enough. I do like the sound of rain, though. 

Today is the 4 year cancer anniversary of someone important in my life, and I just wanted to acknowledge that, because she is doing wonderfully today, and I feel like we need more attention paid to these stories. It's also important to me because it was her breast cancer that propelled me back into studying oncology and, though no one could have imagined at the time, given my life its ultimate focus and goal. When I look back, I was terrified at the time, but eventually that fear gave way to action and learning, which fed into becoming an advocate and activist in the cancer community. 

I was reading the NY Times this morning online and looking back in the archives, and there is a book by Hamilton Jordan, Jimmy Carter's former Chief of Staff, who struggled with four different types of cancer. He wrote a book, "No Such Thing as a Bad Day", and in it, he had "Top 10 Tips for Cancer Patients". I'd like to write them here.

#1: Be an active partner in the medical decisions that are made about your life.

#2: Seek and know the truth about your illness, and prognosis.

#3: Get a second opinion. 

#4: Determine upfront how broad or narrow your physician's experience is. 

#5: If you have a poor prognosis, or rare form of cancer, try to get to a center of excellence. 

#6: Do not allow your caregivers to project their values, goals, and expectations onto you.

#7: Understand the economics of cancer care. 

#8: Ultimately, find a doctor that you trust and believe in. 

#9: Treat your mind as well as your body.

#10: Your attitude and beliefs are your most powerful weapon against cancer. 

Lance, Lance, Lance.....

is this perfection, or what?

Oh, Lance....how I love you. I don't know if you've heard, but Lance is returning to professional cycling with the mission to raise awareness of the "global burden of cancer". Which is admirable. He is going to discuss the whole thing on September 24th. *sigh*. 

Manhattan, I just can't shake you

                                  

So, I was talking to my grandmother tonight, and she was telling me about her day in NY seeing a show and going for dinner, and she mentioned how she passed Bergdorf Goodman, and that "that part of the city is much nicer than the Times Sq area." I was like, um, that's because it's the Upper East Side! And it made me miss MSKCC, because if you go just a few blocks east and south of Bergdorf's, that's where I worked. Good times indeed. It made me miss the chaotic-ness of the city, the feeling that even at 2am, there's life going on outside. It made me miss 10pm walks to Pinkberry with Jessi, and sitting on the steps of the 92nd st Y, and obsessing about maybe one day owning a place in the Yorkville Towers, and walking to the best falafel place EVER. And what made me miss NY even more was that my research TA gave me an article on adolescent cancer survivors and health behavior, and in the article they wrote, "As Ford and Ostroff have mentioned...."!!! Um, HELLO, I worked with them!!! It was so neat to see that and be like, yup, I know them. Needless to say, that REALLY made me miss MSKCC. It's been a really difficult adjustment getting used to school again. I thought it would be done by now, but I'm definitely still reconciling that. So for now, at least until I can get back to Manhattan over winter break, I have to be content with wearing lots of black, daydreaming of Dylan's Candy Bar and Pinkberry, and eating lots of bagels. (Although, again, doesn't compare to H&H bagels). Such a love/hate relationship I have with the city. 

this is what my degree in women's studies taught me.

So.....where to begin.....I was working out at the gym  - yes, I joined a gym, and I actually GO - and I was watching CNN on one of the tvs while on the treadmill, and saw the whole story of how Sarah Palin is under fire for various parenting choices she's made, and people are upset that she's running even though her teenage daughter is pregnant and her son has Down Syndrome....though I am no a fan of Palin, and am definitely not voting for her, I find it interesting that she - the sole WOMAN now in the running - is the only one whose parenting choices and actions are being scrutinized. Did anyone question Bush's parenting choices about his twins?? What difference does it make if her child has special healthcare needs? And last time I checked, how many OTHER 16 year old girls are having sex? The difference is that Bristol Palin got caught. And how many parents can actually control their children's behavior, let alone sexual behavior? Do I find it gleefully ironic that an abstinence-only sex education, anti-choice politician has a knocked-up daughter? Of course. Do I think that the mom should be held responsible? No. And I think we all need to remember just how YOUNG Bristol is. She's 16 or 17. That is really young to be in the national spotlight, being torn apart and scrutinized. We need to leave her out of the media feeding frenzy. If Sarah Palin were a man, would her parenting skills and choices be called into question? I highly doubt it. It is sad that in the year 2008 I even have to blog about this. It's sad that women still don't earn the same as men, dollar-to-dollar. It's sad that women have to plan their careers with an eye toward childbearing and the "mommy track". We are damned if we do, damned if we don't. If we stay at home to raise children, we're "not REALLY working"; if we go back to work, we're "bad" mothers or "unnatural". If we hire a nanny, we're snobs, if we don't, we're martyrs. Enough is enough already. Let's stop tearing down other women to avoid getting ripped apart ourselves. Why don't we acknowledge that none of our choices are easy - but they're our choices, and should be respected as such. 

Added later, while watching Palin's speech at the RNC:

You know, she is a tough cookie. She really is a good speaker.....and she's proving she's smart and tough and, indeed, making another crack in that glass ceiling. I'm not a fan of hers as of right now, but I have to give her props. 

And doesn't she look like Tina Fey, from SNL? I half expect her to call up Amy Poehler on stage and do Weekend Update. Her hair is amazing. 

another chapter in the romantic saga of my relationship with Manhattan

 

So. The new season of Gossip Girl started tonight, and it made me miss New York a lot. Most of it was in the Hamptons, but the whole spirit of summer in the city was there, and it made me nostalgic for the summer.....something I've been a lot lately. In a strange way, I miss the frenetic abruptness of the morning rush, the brusque people at Dunkin' Donuts who came to know my breakfast order, and the muggy steaminess of mid-summer mornings. I miss careening cab rides up Madison and pizza at 2am at the bar and late-night walks to Barnes & Noble with my roommate and even the shady people at the bodega on 90th. I miss Jessica telling me about Fit Flops, and commisserating about lack of space for shoes, and texting about self-imposed shopping limits and our crazy neighbor Amy and the giant cockroaches in the bathroom. *sigh*. Good times. 

But then I have to slap some reality into myself and remind myself that, hello? Every morning I would grumble under my breath about rude people who pushed me out of the way on the subway, waiting for trains in the godawful heat while my hair turned into a giant Jew-fro, I'd never have enough money, and got annoyed at incompetent cab drivers. But is it a small price to pay for living in the city? 

I think the jury's still out on this.....again. In last week's issue of New York magazine there's a great article about people who moved out of NY, and this excerpt sums it up....."...New York requires of these dreamers that they pursue two simultaneous lives:the romantic, invigorating, spectacular life you imagine for yourself, and the expensive, often dispiriting, intermittently grueling day-to-day life you have to lead in order to keep that dream alive. This is exhilarating. This is exhausting. This is what New York is all about.....But the problem is, you can't simply leave New York - you have to QUIT New York. You have to admit to yourself and the world that you're packing it in, calling it a day, turning out the lights...." 

Why should you watch the DNC

So....I normally shy away from posting political stuff. I used to be quite a spitfire, never shying away from a good debate. And sometimes, I still get into the political scuffle with my dad and cousin, but at school, in class, I tend to shy away from it. I'm not here to change their opinions, I think we can agree to disagree on things. But I have to post about tonight's events at the DNC. Honestly, as I get older (and I shudder to admit this), I find myself leaning toward Republican ideals re:fiscal things, and things like malpractice. But damn, I love Hillary Clinton. I voted for her for President, and wish with all my heart that Obama had chosen her for VP. Years ago, I read her autobiography, Living History. And tonight, watching her speak, the hair on my arms stood on end. I got chills. She is one tough woman. And I mean that with the highest respect and admiration. 

To run for president - to simply be a woman in the man's world of politics - is stunning. It's admirable. Just thinking about speaking in front of millions of people like she has, terrifies me. And she has persevered, she has faced criticism from the press, from her peers, her opponents.....in a time when it is still somehow "acceptable" for even members of the press to call Hillary a "bitch", and for people to make disparaging remarks about her body to try and tear her down, she has stood tall and unapologetic. She is smart and sassy, ambitious, and tenacious. Little girls watching this election process see this, and that makes me proud. Running for President is so risky - the possibility of failure is so real - and she lost the nomination this time around, but she handled it with grace and dignity. She didn't shrink back in defeat - she stepped up to the plate and has truly proven herself to be an amazing individual. There is a strength in her that comes from a fighting spirit, and we can all learn from that. 

Plus, George Stephanopolous is hot. Even if he IS short. 

So I read about this over breakfast.....

In today's New York Times, there's an article about a new test for women and ovarian cancer. It's a blood test that aims to catch ovarian cancer in an early, treatable stage - which is great, because only about 20% of ovarian cancers are caught at an early stage, when it's still confined to the ovaries and has a high survival rate. After it has spread, only about 30% of patients survive 5 years. The test is called OvaSure, was developed at Yale, and has been available through LabCorp since June. Good news, right? Not so much. The Society for Gynecologic Oncologists issued a statement almost immediately saying that in their opinion, it has not been validated enough. Many gyn-oncologists believe this is being used to capitalize on women's fears, and may lead to unnecessary operations, more tests, and stress. 

Most people have heard of the CA-125 blood test, which is a tumor marker blood test - but this is better used in women who already have ovarian cancer, to track the disease's progression, rather than as a screening tool, because of unreliable results. 

So where does this leave us? Essentially, right where we are. The symptoms of ovarian cancer are so generalized that many women don't really think anything of it - bloating, feelings of fullness, pelvic pain/pressure, urinary urgency/frequency, changes in appetite - see what I mean? This is why, by the time it is often diagnosed, ovarian cancer is in its later stages and notoriously hard to cure. (I hate that word, "cure", but that's a different story). 

alternative thinking

I'm not sure where to start with this post. About a year ago I stumbled upon this book called crazysexycancer tips. You may have seen Kris (the author) on Oprah - she also did a documentary on TLC (I think) entitled crazysexycancer. It was basically her story about having an incurable, indolent cancer and learning how to make herself as healthy as she could, and live WITH cancer. Though I don't always agree with everything she writes (she's a big advocate of raw foods, juicing, complementary/alternative meds, etc), I like her attitude and think she's a positive person. She has a website, sort of like a web community, and I've been part of it for probably about 6 months now, or something like that....and it's getting harder for me to digest much of what is written. Many of these people have cancer, or have a family member with cancer, and are big proponents of CAM (complementary/alternative medicine). Don't get me wrong, CAM has its place - in conjunction with Western medicine. But when a chemo patient is posting that their oncologist told them to stay away from raw food and other people are telling this patient "no, it's fine, don't listen to him", I feel the need to step in and say, there's a reason he told you that - your immune system is decimated by the chemo and you need to minimize your chance of infection. PLEASE talk to your oncologist about it. Needless to say, much of the time, this is either ignored or debated. I feel like many of these patients aren't talking to their oncologists, and it's worrisome to me. One woman posted about having a mastectomy last week and she is trying to decide whether or not to do chemo. Cancer was also found in her lymph nodes. She was exploring "alternative" treatments. It took all my willpower not to post anything, and just to close the screen. Of course, it's an individual choice about whether to do chemo. But one of her reasons was watching her mom go through it decades ago for Hodgkins. Things are much, much different now - yes, I will fully admit that it's still a toxic experience and we need more body-friendly treatments, but for now, it's the best we have. I just worry about patients like this because, like I saw at the breast cancer conference back in Feb, when someone is really, really sick, they'll grab onto anything that provides a kernel of hope. Anything. And when someone posts about how they "cured" cervical dysplasia with their diet, or how vaccines are bad, or how they won't even eat fruit because of the sugar and so forth, it's really hard for me to read this with an open mind. 

As I progress further and further in my academic career and down the path of my journey in oncology, I'm beginning to want more empirically-based information, more info backed up by hard facts. I don't know........I guess maybe I'm torn between being cynical and being hopeful.