because I have the cutest kids in my family. seriously.

My super-duper favorite nephew, obviously.

Look at that face. How could you not fall in love?

Bathtime!

My new baby cousin Cole!!!

And this is Cole sleeping!

I feel so incredibly blessed to have these wonderful children in my life. I have not met baby Cole yet, but I love him already. I can't wait!

family, chosen and otherwise.

I LOVE this picture of my nephew and I. There's so much emotion behind it that it's beautiful, to me.

Here we are, at Barnes & Noble. I love his smile.

Though I love living in Chapel Hill, sometimes I do miss living closer to my family. Usually it's hardest after coming back to NC after being up there for a bit. When I came back last Sunday, it was hard. I wished I could stay up North to be near my grandparents and my aunt, and I wished I could have spent more time with each of my parents. But when I went to babysit on tuesday morning, I walked into the house to get the carseats, and saw a note that began with, "Welcome home, Jaime! Hope you had a good time up North!" I teared up, I kid you not. I thought that was so sweet. And today, when I went to lunch with two other kids I babysit for and their mom, I was struck by the wonderful people I've met here, who have invited me into their lives. K, the little girl (well, she's 11, so she's not "little"), ran up to me after lunch and gave me a big hug goodbye....she is so sweet, and I felt so thankful that I have stumbled upon great people here. They may not be my family of origin, but I am slowly building a chosen family here in Chapel Hill, made up of lots of people, some of whom are unexpected. I did miss my family today, though. I was thinking, this time last week I was at lunch with my nephew and grandparents, and Trey sat next to me and would rest his head on my shoulder. And this time last week my family and I were having Rosh Hashanah dinner. But, time goes on....and I will be up North again before I know it.

a colorful life.

You know, I often find myself marveling at the things kids say. Being a nanny, this is a privilege I am lucky to have, seeing the world through childrens' eyes. Today, I was helping E paint. He is four and a half, and often rambunctious. He wanted to paint, and had me put blobs of different color paint on a plate, for his "palette". He made a drawing, and then proceeded to mix all the colors together, in what, to me, looked like a big muddy mix. He then painted a long stripe on the paper with the mixture, and said, "Isn't this very beautiful? There's pink and red and blue and yellow." And sure enough, if you looked closely, each individual color was there. He kept saying, "This is so beautiful, isn't it?" And I thought to myself, you know, I wouldn't have thought so at first, but now that I really look, yes, it's very, very beautiful.

a sweet and sour way to begin the Jewish new year.

Happy Rosh Hashanah! It is the Jewish New Year and I am very thankful for the people in my life. Though my life right now is not exactly as I imagined it would be, I am hoping that this year will bring me a purpose, and help me find my way. I hope that I am able to build upon my faith this year. Right now, I'm not so sure. I am a person of science, which makes it a little difficult to fully be a person of faith (for me, anyway), yet I cannot shake the belief that there is something more, like a Higher Power, or G-d. Honestly, though, sometimes I feel like he's got a whole hell of a lot of explaining to do.

It is hard for me to watch someone who is very ill, and believe that G-d will heal her. Last time I checked, he wasn't in the chemotherapy suite. It is hard for me to share that faith and fully understand it. My instinct is to find the best damn doctor there is, in the best facility, and fight like hell through surgery and chemo and whatever needs to be done. I don't count on miracles. I can't. Do I pray? Yes, I do. But do I believe that that is enough? Not a chance. To me, it's like that story where the guys are stranded in a flood or something, and the one guy keeps saying, "G-d will save me, G-d will save me", and he dies -- and when he meets G-d, he says, "Why didn't you save me?" And G-d replies, "I sent you a plane, a raft, etc etc". Sure, believe in whoever you want to believe in, whatever religion works for you -- but don't use that as an excuse to be passive. Especially when you're in the fight of your life, literally.

And you know what? Maybe that belief system works for me. It makes it easier to deal with cancer. Just focus on the rogue cells that are multiplying out of control, and focus on what needs to be done and what can be done. I can't focus on the "why her" thoughts, or be angry at G-d, because in my mind, it has nothing to do with him - it's pure science. I struggle with issues of faith constantly; maybe that is an occupational hazard of being in the healthcare field. I don't know. Maybe it's the result of 9 years of religious private school. Maybe it's just the result of being overanalytical and obsessive. There are no right or wrong answers to this, and Lord knows, we could talk about this forever and still have a billion different opinons and answers and options. This one's mine, for now.

There are times - and this is one of them - when I wonder about my ability to work in oncology. I love the field, don't get me wrong. But I also take it very hard when I can't "save", or even help people. I take it hard when I watch people ignore factual advice and receive sub-par care that will hasten their demise. It is hard for me to look sickness in the face sometimes. It is hard when I have done all I can do and have to sit back and do nothing. It is hard to face the limits of medicine, in a nutshell. Does everyone in oncology go through this?

yay babies!

I have a new baby cousin Cole!! yay! My one cousin and his wife had a baby this morning! Life is beautiful.

200th post!

This is my 200th post! Yay! It feels like a lot more than that, though.

This is a picture of a shofar, siddur, and tallis.

So, next weekend is Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, and one of the High Holidays. It is one of the holiest days of the year. It is a day of judgement, when G-d looks in the Book of Life and makes decisions on people. It is a day of reflection, and 10 days later is Yom Kippur, when we repent for any wrongdoings so we can be sealed in the Book of Life. It is customary to wish each other "Shanah Tovah", to have a good year, or to tell people you wish them a sweet new year. We eat apples dipped in honey, and challah dipped in honey (which I am eating right now; it's my favorite part of the holiday!). It's also traditional to say "Next year in Jerusalem!" Gosh, I would love that - to be in Israel for the High Holidays. I miss it so much. I will return one day, this I know.

Rosh Hashanah was not always a sweet holiday. 14 years ago - half my lifetime ago - on Rosh Hashanah, events were set in motion that eventually resulted in my parents' divorce. At the time, I thought my life was over. And though it took me a while, my life gradually got larger and though it stings deep down, I am able to enjoy the holiday. This year, we have so much to be thankful for. I am so thankful that my grandmother beat breast cancer and is healthy and back to her socializing self, I am thankful that my nephew is talking and is healthy and happy, I am thankful that my family is able to help me, and I am thankful for my health. Overall, life is sweet, and I have high hopes for the coming year.

living in the moment.

My friend Lily commented on this picture that my nephew looked totally happy and fully present in the moment, and he really does. But isn't that how all kids are? We could learn a lot from them. If you notice, the dog's leash is clipped to his shirt. His new thing is pretending to be a dog. He even does "pee pee on the grass" - he goes on the grass and squats, and says "peepee grass", and pretends to go like a dog. He is definitely my brother's child. But at least he dresses well, which is more than I can say for my brother. :)

it's not faith if you use your eyes...

This picture captures the essence of how I feel lately, but not necessarily in a bad way. Let me explain. I have always been that intense, neurotic girl who planned her life in detail. No joke, I actually wrote out Jaime's Life Plan when I was in college, right down to where I wanted to do my PsyD internship, when I wanted to get married, etc. Needless to say, there have been quite a few detours. I don't like surprises. I'm not a spontaneous person. I used to be terrified of making "the wrong decision"....but it has taken me over 5 years to realize that there was no wrong decision. Every experience I've had, every place I've lived, every program in which I've studied, have a place and reason in my life. And though I have yet to find my place in this confusing and crazy world, I think I'm getting closer. I hope I am. It feels like I am. I may be in pediatric oncology, just not the way I thought. I may be in medicine, but not as a doctor. I don't want to sound Pollyanna-ish....has this been easy? No way. Do I still question my decisions? Constantly. I still fight feelings of doubt and disappointment, but at the age of 28, maybe I am finally headed on the right path.

Things happen for a reason. Going to UNC for my MPH was a dream come true, and I came out of it a little bruised, but still here. I have found a place I can call home, and really, truly love where I live. Dare I say - I'm like a real adult. There have been so many unexplainable and unjustifiable (in my opinon) things that have happened in my life, and I have just come to have blind faith that it will all come together in the end.

I've never been like this before. I've never NOT had a plan. I've never NOT had a clear, laid-out trajectory. I've never doubted myself so strongly in my entire life. The whole PhD debacle really shook my confidence, and I need to regain my belief in myself. Maybe this is all part of the growth process we all go through.

Over 10 years ago, a mentor told me about "blind faith". Taking that leap when you have no idea what's on the other side, but having faith that it would work out. It's only now that I can appreciate that concept the way I think she meant it.

i'm beginning to really hate the color teal.

I haven't really been blogging, and most of the time, it's because I'm not even sure how to form words to express what I am feeling. Yesterday it finally hit me (yes, it took that long to REALLY hit me) how bad my aunt's cancer is. It's pretty freakin' bad. I operate like this: when something bad happens like this, I go on autopilot - I start researching, making phone calls and connections, figuring out what needs to be done. When there is nothing more to be done, the intellectualizing and depersonalizing stops, and emotion finally surfaces. And that's what has finally happened.

Like I did when my grandmother had breast cancer, I am praying and sending a guided imagery cd and cards, but it's frustrating not to do more, all over again. It is so painful to watch events unfold and feel in my heart that an altered outcome would have happened had different decisions been made in this whole situation. We aren't talking cure, or even possibly remission. I'm talking a few more months, or the possibility of a clinical trial, or even optimal debulking, at this point. I'm talking about giving her the best possible chances, given the situation; the best possible prognostic indicators. I'm talking about the realities of the limitations of chemotherapy and the balance with quality of life. Palliation versus treatment. I am struggling with accepting the decisions that have been made. I don't understand them, but I am struggling to respect them. It is hard work. It makes me wonder if I can really work in this field......how will I react when a patient and their family chooses a course of action I strongly disagree with? Maybe since they're not family, it would be different. It likely would be very different, but it worries me. How do we evaluate decisions when it's a lose-lose situation? In your medical ethics classes and patient advocacy classes, you can debate this all you want. When you're faced with it in real life, when someone you love is the patient in question, all of that ceases to matter. Decisions aren't black and white, and sometimes, not even grey. Sometimes there is no right answer, and maybe there isn't any answer at all.

When am I going to learn that I cannot save people? That I am not Supergirl, that I cannot "fix" things. Sometimes I think that's what draws me to being an oncologist - "fixing" things. Go in, remove what's wrong, and it's "fixed". For some reason I think being an oncologist would be less hard on me emotionally, rather than being an oncology nurse.

September is Ovarian Cancer Awareness month, ironically. Teal ribbons will be everywhere. Last year, when my grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer, it was October, and Breast Cancer Awareness month. Oh, the irony.

I am rereading a book that I'd read years ago - "help me live: 20 things people with cancer want you to know". I was lucky enough to "friend" the author on facebook recently - although I didn't realize at all who she was at the time - and decided to reread it. I would say these guidelines even apply to loved ones of the patients...as in, when I tell you my aunt has ovarian cancer, and you know about my grandmother's breast cancer, please do not get a stricken look on your face followed by pity. Do not assume I have a BRCA mutation running amok in my family, or even a HBOC (hereditary breast and ovarian cancer) issue. I worry about that enough for both of us, I don't need the reminder. When I tell you about my aunt being in the hospital for a few more weeks, please do not say to me "Do you really think she'll leave the hospital?" (Yes, horrendously enough, someone said that to me this week). Don't think that because I am living my life as usual that it's not on my mind. It is on my mind when I wake up, and it is the reason I can't fall asleep. It's okay to ask me about it. Otherwise, it's a big teal elephant following me around. And that just cramps my style.

Randoms: check out Teal Toes for ovarian cancer awareness! If you get pedicures, get your nails painted teal next month! When people ask you about it, tell them about the early symptoms of the disease.

I am still raising money for the Avon Breast Cancer Walk.....not sure if I will actually walk, do crew, or even be able to GO, but I'd like to raise as much money as I can. Please let me know if you're interested and I can send you the link! Thank you!

post-grad.....

By now, I'm sure you've seen the previews for the movie "Post-grad" that is coming out tomorrow, with Alexis Bledel. It's about a girl who graduated from college, moved back in with her parents, and is looking for a job, a life, and love....not in that order, necessarily. Every time I watch this preview, I am irritated by it. It makes post-graduation, unemployed life look like so much fun. Obviously, it doesn't look like the movie. Real life looks like credit card bills that you can barely pay the minimum balance on, endless job searching and applying, dealing with feelings of fear and failure (nice alliteration there, huh?), and worrying. It's applying to jobs well beneath your education level, and not getting them, most likely for that very reason. It's dealing with citibank and nelnet for student loan payments that stress you out. It's that creeping feeling of...shit, is this what it is like being an adult? And ironically, at a time when we're supposed to have a degree in our future job area, most of us STILL have no idea what we want to be when we grow up.

So here we are, with advanced degrees, closets full of clothes for jobs we don't have, eating cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And we're the future of America.