i'm beginning to really hate the color teal.

I haven't really been blogging, and most of the time, it's because I'm not even sure how to form words to express what I am feeling. Yesterday it finally hit me (yes, it took that long to REALLY hit me) how bad my aunt's cancer is. It's pretty freakin' bad. I operate like this: when something bad happens like this, I go on autopilot - I start researching, making phone calls and connections, figuring out what needs to be done. When there is nothing more to be done, the intellectualizing and depersonalizing stops, and emotion finally surfaces. And that's what has finally happened.

Like I did when my grandmother had breast cancer, I am praying and sending a guided imagery cd and cards, but it's frustrating not to do more, all over again. It is so painful to watch events unfold and feel in my heart that an altered outcome would have happened had different decisions been made in this whole situation. We aren't talking cure, or even possibly remission. I'm talking a few more months, or the possibility of a clinical trial, or even optimal debulking, at this point. I'm talking about giving her the best possible chances, given the situation; the best possible prognostic indicators. I'm talking about the realities of the limitations of chemotherapy and the balance with quality of life. Palliation versus treatment. I am struggling with accepting the decisions that have been made. I don't understand them, but I am struggling to respect them. It is hard work. It makes me wonder if I can really work in this field......how will I react when a patient and their family chooses a course of action I strongly disagree with? Maybe since they're not family, it would be different. It likely would be very different, but it worries me. How do we evaluate decisions when it's a lose-lose situation? In your medical ethics classes and patient advocacy classes, you can debate this all you want. When you're faced with it in real life, when someone you love is the patient in question, all of that ceases to matter. Decisions aren't black and white, and sometimes, not even grey. Sometimes there is no right answer, and maybe there isn't any answer at all.

When am I going to learn that I cannot save people? That I am not Supergirl, that I cannot "fix" things. Sometimes I think that's what draws me to being an oncologist - "fixing" things. Go in, remove what's wrong, and it's "fixed". For some reason I think being an oncologist would be less hard on me emotionally, rather than being an oncology nurse.

September is Ovarian Cancer Awareness month, ironically. Teal ribbons will be everywhere. Last year, when my grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer, it was October, and Breast Cancer Awareness month. Oh, the irony.

I am rereading a book that I'd read years ago - "help me live: 20 things people with cancer want you to know". I was lucky enough to "friend" the author on facebook recently - although I didn't realize at all who she was at the time - and decided to reread it. I would say these guidelines even apply to loved ones of the patients...as in, when I tell you my aunt has ovarian cancer, and you know about my grandmother's breast cancer, please do not get a stricken look on your face followed by pity. Do not assume I have a BRCA mutation running amok in my family, or even a HBOC (hereditary breast and ovarian cancer) issue. I worry about that enough for both of us, I don't need the reminder. When I tell you about my aunt being in the hospital for a few more weeks, please do not say to me "Do you really think she'll leave the hospital?" (Yes, horrendously enough, someone said that to me this week). Don't think that because I am living my life as usual that it's not on my mind. It is on my mind when I wake up, and it is the reason I can't fall asleep. It's okay to ask me about it. Otherwise, it's a big teal elephant following me around. And that just cramps my style.

Randoms: check out Teal Toes for ovarian cancer awareness! If you get pedicures, get your nails painted teal next month! When people ask you about it, tell them about the early symptoms of the disease.

I am still raising money for the Avon Breast Cancer Walk.....not sure if I will actually walk, do crew, or even be able to GO, but I'd like to raise as much money as I can. Please let me know if you're interested and I can send you the link! Thank you!