Eve Marie Carson, 11/19/85 - 3/5/08

Wow, 3 posts in one day - but not for the right reasons, I'm afraid. This post is about Eve. Eve Marie Carson. I'm posting about her because her autopsy and search warrants were released today, and like a horribly bad car accident, I can't stop looking. If this will upset you, I'd suggest you stop reading this post. I'm posting about this because I need to process this; I need to figure out how another person could cause so much harm and pain to another. It doesn't seem real to me. I'm posting about it to recognize the ugliness of what happened that night, so it doesn't get lost in the niceties and excuses like, "society is responsible" and "oh what a shame those two fell through the system." In all of this, an innocent person was brutally killed for no reason, and we shouldn't forget that. 

Initially, it was thought that Eve was carjacked, since she would often go out at odd hours to do work. Now it came out that the confidential informant - the person who identified one of the shooters - told police back in March that she had spoken to one of the shooters and he said the two of them entered her house through an open door. If this seems crazy to you, let me explain - down South, it's different. People really DO leave their doors unlocked when they're home and up and about. At first I thought it was weird, but I got used to it because it was so nice. But anyway, they entered through an open door and forced her to leave with them. They drove her in her own car to an ATM and forced her to give them her PIN number. Over the next 2 days they took out about $1400. According the the informant, they were going to kill her anyway after she gave them her PIN number. This is when that picture at the ATM was taken, more than an hour before she was killed. 

Supposedly, they think she tried to escape and run, and she was shot 5 times by 2 separate weapons - a shotgun and a .25 caliber pistol. The autopsy report lists 6 gunshot wounds, because horrifically, she tried to shield her face with her hand and the bullet - a shotgun bullet - went through her hand and grazed her temple. She was also shot in the cheek, the shoulder, the upper arm, and the buttock. Both men - boys - shot her. The autopsy said no single shot was fatal, and I am horrified to think that she suffered a great deal. You can actually read the actual pdf of the autopsy, and maybe it was naive of me, but I read it, and it shocked and horrified me even further. The details of the shotgun wounds and bullet wounds, the entry and exit points.....the little details, like the white paper bracelet she had around her wrist.....and call me stupid, but I had no idea what a shotgun bullet entailed - the little pellets inside that spray everywhere upon impact....I had to ask my roommate what they meant when they wrote "birdshot pellets". The injuries to her brain and lungs and hand - my G-d, no one should have to suffer that. They don't think she was sexually assaulted, but some police want DNA samples because they believe a sexual assault "of an unknown nature" may have occurred. 

They found her lying on her back, with one arm bent behind her head. Eve, a woman who was so well-known, and so popular, so social, died alone in the street, without family or friends or a hand to hold. Someone who led such a brilliantly colorful life died in such a terrifying, dark way. I cannot imagine the thoughts that must have ran through her head in those last hours, those last moments where she must have realized what was going to happen, when she made that brave decision to run. I cannot imagine the grief of her family, the gutwrenching helplessness to know that your child died alone in an intersection. It makes me ill just thinking about it. 

So why am I posting this? We study maternal-child health. Eve was someone's child - is someone's child. We don't study the maternal-child relationship, oddly, but it is one worth looking at. What happens when that relationship is severed by loss? How does that color one's life? How does one rebuild and go on? Do you? Can you? Life, as Joan Didion once wrote, changes in the instant, the ordinary instant. And we're never the same. 

I love UNC. I love the Quad in the spring and the arboretum in the fall. I love the Pit on a sunny day and Graham Memorial Lounge on a rainy one. I love Roy all the time. But what makes UNC truly special is not our beautiful campus, our distinguished reputation, or even our basketball team. It's us - the student body - who make UNC what it is. - Eve Carson

*on my soapbox*

I was debating posting about this, but these are actually politics I care about, and think this needs to be told.

Not even 10 minutes after I posted the entry below, about falafel, I read a sobering story in the NYTimes. In 2006 - actually, shortly after my trip to Israel - Israeli soldiers were captured by Hezbollah, a Lebanese militia/terrorist group. The Israeli cabinet voted on Sunday to trade a notorious convict, along with 4 other Lebanese, for these 2 soldiers, whom they initially believed to be alive. But unfortunately, Ehud Goldwasser and Eldad Regev, the 2 Israeli soldiers, are dead. So essentially, Israel is trading 5 Lebanese convicts for the bodies of 2 dead Israeli soldiers. Israel has a tradition of doing everything it can to get back its soldiers, but one of these convicts they are releasing.....Samir Kuntar - in 1979, he was part of a group that raided the Israeli town of Nahariya, killed a civilian while his 4 year old daughter watched, and then smashed her head and killed her, as well. Her mother and 2 year old sister were hiding, and to keep the 2 year old from crying, the mother accidently suffocated her. Kuntar says he regrets nothing, and when he returns to Lebanon, he will receive a hero's welcome. Israel will also give the UN info on Iranian diplomats who disappeared in Lebanon. Gilad Shalit, an Israeli soldier captured by Hamas 2 years ago, is still missing and his fate is unknown. 

You can read about this more here. 

Personally, I am shocked, saddened, and conflicted. I have a few thoughts on the UN, which I won't share here. I am sad for the families involved. 

I (heart) falafel

So, most people who know me know that I *LOVE* falafel. I ate myself silly on falafel when I was in Israel 2 years ago. For 10 and a half days, every chance I got, I ate falafel. I ate heart shaped falafel, falafel with "chips" (aka french fries), falafel in Tel Aviv, falafel in Jaffa, falafel in Jerusalem, falafel in Beersheva - it was like a falafel tour of the Holy Land. Good times, indeed. Needless to say, it's hard to find good falafel in the States. But I found some, 2 blocks from my place. It's called "OK Falafel House", and let me tell you, it is WAY more than just "ok". It is the best falafel I think I have ever had outside of Israel. And the people who ran the restaurant were Arab - like, authentically Middle Eastern. This is not falafel from a box. I think this is the best meal I have eaten so far in NY. 

It does make me miss Israel. Last year, I was actually thinking of doing my practicum in Israel, at Hadassah Hospital. They have a whole Psychosocial Oncology department. But my family would not be so keen on the idea, because of safety stuff - they were nervous enough when I went on Birthright! But honestly, I always felt safe there. It was an amazing trip, and I miss it a lot.  

dress yourself in bleeding madras

Today is one of those hot, hot summer days in the city when stepping into an icy subway car is a godsend. Kids are playing in the water fountain things at the park at 96th st, and ice cream trucks are on street corners. That being said, it didn't stop me from running down to East Midtown - and finding an amazing deal on a short sleeved cashmere sweater, for less than 40 dollars (it used to be over a hundred). Good times. Now I have a lit review to write for my job at UNC, as well as read over stuff my preceptor at MSKCC gave me.

Yesterday I walked around the Union Square Greenmarket, which was pretty nice, and stopped by the Rugby store. The Greenmarket was fun, it's when all these local vendors and farms and such come and set up their wares. There's produce, flowers, food, and all sorts of cute stuff. It's fun. Although it reminded me what downtown was like - it's right where NYU is, basically, and so it was really crowded, compared with uptown.

*no words*

I hate this. I shouldn't be posting things like this in the year 2008. My friend's mother passed away today from Stage IV breast cancer. I met my friend 2 years ago, when I went to Israel on Birthright, and she told me her mom had breast cancer, and that it was metastatic. I hurt in my heart then, but 5 minutes ago, that hurt came rushing back when I saw her Facebook profile. My friend just graduated from Davidson, a college in North Carolina, so I am at least glad her mom got to see her graduate. 

I don't want to post any stupid pink ribbons, as much as I know they bring strength and encouragement to some people. Not me, not today. Posting ribbons isn't going to bring her mom back, and it isn't going to save the tens of thousands of women who will die this year. Let's do more than wear ribbons and "shop for the cure" and "walk for the cure" - yeah, we can do all that, but let's do something that really matters. Self-exams. Encouraging women we love to do monthly self-exams. Talking to our doctors. Going for mammograms. Raise money for research. Drive someone you care about to chemo. Cook them dinner. Hug them.

It's not fair. It's not right that my 22 year old friend lost her mom to this horrible disease. Ilana, this post is for your mom.

In memory of Elaine Esposito Valinsky, 1955 - 2008. 

oncology superstars, plus dinner

my nephew likes to hit the bottle

So, I've pretty much been living off bagels, fruit, oatmeal, and cereal, partly because I hate to cook/can't cook, and partly because the shared kitchen on my floor is.....not ideal. For anyone. My roommate is the same way - in our room on our shelves we have peanut butter, bread, Sarabeth's jam, animal crackers, triscuits, cereal, blue corn chips - and in the fridge we have water, diet coke, cherries, apples, and coconut water. So my "real" meals lately have been last Friday, out to dinner with Emily, and Monday night, out for authentic Mexican food with Jessi. And I've supplemented with Pinkberry, Starbucks, and Dunkin' Donuts. Nutritious, I know. And I actually took nutrition of children and mothers! So at work today, I decided to splurge and pick up dinner somewhere. Given that this is Manhattan, any kind of cuisine is at my fingertips. I went for comfort food and decided to go Italian - Osso Buco is a restaurant in my 'hood; there's also one in the Village. I ordered garlic bread and penne alla caprese (penne with tomato sauce and mozzarella cheese). It's right down the block from me, so I went and picked it up - heavenly. The portions of both were so big that I have dinner for tomorrow night, too. It's amazing how much better I feel now that I have a nice big real Italian meal in me.

Practicum is going well, I think I have a topic for a Master's Paper, and the addendum to add me to the retinoblastoma study finally got approved, so hopefully I will be talking to patients soon!


Yesterday I had one of the most fantastic experiences - I met someone I never thought I would. Jimmie Holland is a pioneer in psycho-oncology. She basically FOUNDED the field. She's amazing. Her book The Human Side of Cancer is one of my favorites. I used to joke with people that I wanted her job - I never, ever thought I would actually get to meet her. But yesterday, when I got to work, as I was going through the turnstile in the lobby, I ran to catch the elevator, and she was in there. She saw my ID and made a comment about both of us going to the 7th floor. I knew who she was, but I said, "You're Jimmie Holland, right?" She said yes, and we had a great conversation that didn't stop when we got to our floor. She actually stopped in the hallway and didn't scan her ID to get into the Counseling Center - she took the time and made it clear that she wanted to have a conversation. She had the kindest eyes, and was incredibly down to earth and very friendly. She thanked me for introducing myself and said she'll see me around the office. Wow. I was speechless afterwards. I have so much respect and admiration for her, and aspire to do even half of the things she's done for psychosocial oncology. I'm sure she gets people like me coming up to her all the time, but she was so personable that it caught me off-guard for a second; I'm not quite sure what I expected. But it reminded me of something she did last week with the Fellows' Symposium - several of the fellows were really really nervous, and I empathized with them because public speaking terrifies me - and numerous times, after someone who was clearly nervous finished, she would praise them on a job well done. That struck me as incredibly nice and really supportive, which was heartening to see. You hear so many horror stories of the medical field being cutthroat - and maybe it is - but the feeling I've gotten from MSKCC so far is anything but.


I have to give a shoutout to Dr.Chu, my biostats prof from last semester - I admit, I dislike math and am not very good at it, which doesn't help the math anxiety I have. But somehow, some of it actually sunk in, and when I hear people in the office talk about "power" of a research study, or talk about SAS - even regression, which is just so abstract to me - I feel like I actually know what they're talking about. And even Epidemiology, from first semester, with Vic - people years, incidence vs prevalence - it's all coming together in practice, and that's neat to see, rather than just from a textbook.


If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it? - Albert Einstein

breast cancer I bet you haven't heard of

This is Deena Metzger. It's a famous picture of her, post-mastectomy, with this underneath: "I am no longer afraid of mirrors where I see the sign of the amazon, the one who shoots arrows. There was a fine red line across my chest where a knife entered, but now a branch winds about the scar and travels from arm to heart." (You can see the tattoo over her mastectomy scar). 

Since I know people are reading this, I want to take this opportunity to mention something very important to me. I know breast cancer awareness seems to be everywhere - so much so that you really need to be wary of the "tyranny of pink" and all the marketing - but a certain type of breast cancer often gets ignored and never mentioned. Triple-negative breast cancer (sometimes also referred to as basal-like) describes a breast cancer that is estrogen-receptor negative (ER-), progesterone-receptor negative (PR-), and Her-2/neu negative. What this means is that the hormone therapies like Tamoxifen, Arimidex, and even Herceptin don't have any effect on this cancer. Hormone therapy is not an option. These cancers tend to strike younger women and women of color, and are usually more aggressive and more likely to metastasize. But, that being said, they are very responsive to chemotherapy. Unfortunately, that and radiation (although you have to be careful of previously radiated fields) are the only options if it recurs/spreads. But no one ever mentions this type of cancer. I mean, honestly - before you read this post, did you even know about it? Have you ever heard of it? I'm willing to bet you haven't. So while I'm very happy we now can use Evista as a hormone-therapy drug and there are all these hormonal options, what about the women for whom that doesn't make a difference? 

The Triple Negative Breast Cancer Foundation is a wonderful organization that raises awareness of this disease and raises money to help scientists research it further.  Too often it gets ignored, and that's not right. (And I am fully aware that MANY cancers get ignored because they're not as "fashionable" as breast cancer awareness is, but that's a whole other post). 

I just found this website, too, that raises awareness of triple-negative breast cancer.

So please go to their website, look around, and tell people you love about this. I know it sounds hokey, but it's really important. 

clouds in my coffee

Until I can get to Zarela, the only margaritas are on my socks! 

So, last night was yet another example of why I should really listen to Dr.Dechow more and when I take an Ambien for insomnia, just take it and go to sleep - NOT take it and proceed to go online. Although instead of going shopping on bloomingdales.com like before, I apparently downloaded some Carly Simon from iTunes. Which is great, I like Carly. But it was funny to see that I had done that and not really remembered. But at least I had good taste, even on Ambien. I remember when I went to Martha's Vineyard a few years ago, all I wanted was to see Carly Simon, and maybe go to her store (she has a store on the island). But sadly, we didn't see her. 

So, today.....I have an orientation meeting for my dorm here, then I think I will work on some stuff for internship, including figuring out a topic for a possible Master's Paper so I can use MSKCC data. I'm meeting up with Em for brunch later (by then it will just be lunch), and Jessi's probably stopping by for coffee later tonight. I'm still battling this summer cold/allergy, and now my throat hurts. I'm hoping it goes away soon. 

I stumbled upon some quotes I really liked, and wanted to share them - I'm one of those people that loves quotes, and I'm hoping that other people like them, too. 

There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed. - Ernest Hemingway

I make mistakes, I am out of control, and sometimes hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. - Marilyn Monroe

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman. - Anais Nin

And this one, quite possibly my very favorite: 

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous." Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. - Nelson Mandela

TGIF

Not much happened today....more researching and waiting for IRB approval on adding me to the study. Worked on my lit review. 

Snapshots of a day in NY:

On my way to the subway this morning I saw 3 girls with the same bag as me. I have it in robin's egg blue, and theirs were red and black. On the way home on the subway, I saw yet another girl with it.  I see this daily. It seems to be the everyday tote bag. 

I am battling a cold, and got amazing soup for lunch. It should be amazing, for $7. But it was just what I needed. yum. 

I ordered groceries online and had them delivered - surprisingly, it was cheaper than going to the store. And, they have 4-minute meals that you can just pop in the microwave - from Tabla, this awesome restaurant in the city. 

And now I just got home from dinner and Pinkberry with Emily. Total comfort food - we had gnocchi pomodoro and wine, followed by our beloved fro-yo. The restaurant was on 82nd and 2nd ave, so it was a pretty busy area - tons of restaurants and bars I have to check out before the end of the summer! And that doesn't even count the places I want to go to, like Zarela, Sarabeth's, Max Cafe, Cafe Lalo, Fetch.......although I think on Sunday Em and I are doing brunch at Sarabeth's, which is THE BEST place for brunch, I swear. Although there are locations in the Whitney and on the Upper East Side, the best is the original, on the Upper West Side, which is where we'll go on Sunday - even if it IS overrun with all the families with their Bugaboos (which secretly, I covet). Ah, good times. 

These are Bugaboo strollers. For $900 bucks a pop, they seem to be everywhere here, although they tend to stay around the Upper West and Upper East....and Soho, I guess. 

no day but today

Being that my days revolve around cancer, and even when I'm not at internship, my brain seems not to notice that and I'm either reading about cancer or trying to figure out a research topic, death was sure to come up sooner or later. And sometimes, it just hits you, that all you have is today, no one promises you tomorrow. And once you realize that, and (try to, anyway) live in the moment, everything looks different. The crowded, noisy subway car becomes full of untold stories, the refreshing coldness of a Diet Coke on a hot day seems like the best thing ever, and you hug people a little harder, a little longer. 

"This day, and this moment, this is the best day of our lives right now." - Eve Carson, 11/19/85 - 3/5/08