thinking out loud.

Alright. So. Just when life seemed to be falling into place, things may not be as they seem. I've been having doubts about Columbia for a long time. The cost alone is staggering, the amount of loans I have to add on causes me physical illness, and the cost of living in NYC is a little ridiculous, no matter how much I may love the city. I am giving serious thought to low-residency programs. I am making pro/con lists, and right now, the major (only) con to Columbia is the cost. I've already made contact with someone at MSKCC to volunteer with their Visible Ink writing program, which is something I would love to do, since it meshes psychosocial aspects of cancer with writing (hello, this is like, MY LIFE). Every alum I've spoken with says no doubt the program has enabled them to get an agent and published. But is this all worth the price tag? Will I recoup my investment/losses? I'm not sure.

If I stayed here, I would like to take my CPT exam and be a trainer while continuing my freelance writing, and I've been applying to various jobs. The job market is terrible ANYWHERE, but we'll see what happens.

I am looking at several places, including Queens U of Charlotte, Vermont College of Fine Arts (VCFA), Bennington, UC-Riverside and Lesley University. ALL are cheaper - a lot cheaper - than Columbia. And because of student health insurance, I'd also be saving A LOT of money on health insurance as well. Let me put it to you this way: 2 years of a low-res program, even the more expensive ones, would still be less than half of what I'd need to take out in loans for the first year of school/living at Columbia. How can I argue with that?? How can I, in good conscience, then go to Columbia? If I had no graduate degrees and was graduating from undergrad all over again with no debt, it'd be a no-brainer. Of course, I'd take on the debt and just GO to Columbia. But now.....I'm 30. I have 2 grad degrees. Do I really want to do this? Is this going to be worth it? But everytime I think I have my answer, I think of how many times I've been in the library lately and picked up a book by a Columbia MFA grad. Or how many authors from the New Yorker's 20 Under 40 List went to the program. Or - as obnoxious as this may sound - what the simple name "Columbia" might mean to some agent or publisher, and thus open a door for me.

I am a mess.