it's anything but a fairytale, girls.

I will be 30 in December. I am single. Normally, this does not bother me. But I do feel some pressure to find someone and "settle down" and start having kids. After all, my brother already had a kid. Although I'm not sure the family could take another child out of wedlock. I would rather be single than settle, and I would definitely rather be single than be with a bum, a loser, or someone who really doesn't love me. I am a headstrong, independent fireball who likes to challenge and be challenged, and the man I end up with will complement this. I want an intellectual equal and a homebody. I want to marry someone who is not only the love of my life, but my best friend. And I haven't found him yet. My friend Lauren found her girlfriend on a certain dating website, and I was like, hey, okay, maybe I can find a guy here. So I joined. Yes, I've met some NJB's (nice Jewish boys); in fact, one asked me out for coffee (although I'd like to email a bit more first). But I've also been met with a whole host of...umm...interesting candidates. I am telling you, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

There was the guy last week, even though my preferred age range is 27-37 (and 27 is even pushing it; ideally I'd like an older guy), this 22 year old emailed me, telling me he's "attracted to older women." I'm sorry, was that supposed to attract me? No woman likes to be told she's the "older woman", especially at the age of (almost)30. Delete. Then there was the guy who had the numbers "69" in his screen name, and his profile picture was his pale white, hairless, not-so-toned chest. I'm sorry, but first, get a tan. Second, don't put naked shots of ANYTHING on your profile picture. Lastly, if you do put naked pics up, at least have the body to back it up. And, really? Are we in high school? Drop the "69" from your screen name. NOT cute. Delete. Then, there was the Jewish guy who seemed smart and funny. His profile was him and a little kid, and I'm a sucker for boys with babies. Although I'd prefer a potential boyfriend not have any kids or ex-wives, I'm open. So I'm reading his profile - his email was nice - and it turns out that he is, in fact, in a committed relationship but they are "polyamorous" and it's an open relationship. I kid you not. First of all, this is not Utah. Second, I'm not doing the Sister Wives thing. I was like, really? REALLY??

This week alone has brought guys to remember. There was Buttfister. Yes, I swear on a stack of Bibles (preferably Old Testament) that his screen name was Buttfister. And he was straight, looking for women. He is studying pharmacy. Ah, the future of medicine and science, right there. I'm sorry, but a mature woman - or any woman, for that matter - isn't interested in a guy whose screen name was Buttfister. And yet this is who I attract, apparently. Then - ah, yes - THEN there was a guy whose email promised me a "night to remember" because of his "huge....personality", and how he promised to make me "laugh, scream, and enjoy myself". And he promised not to "ask to video cam". And he closed it by saying if, for some "unknown reason", I'm not attracted to him, to let him know. There was more, I just can't think of all of the obnoxiousness. I nicely wrote back and said that mature women usually are looking for more than a "night to remember", and I'm sure his "personality" only looked huge from his vantage point. And then I blocked him.

And I can't even tell you how many guys email with horrible spelling, incorrect grammar - not a minor mistake or two, I mean, hello, did you go to grade school types of bad grammar. Not a good sign for me if you can't spell basic words. Or how many guys send a one-line email like, hey sexy, what up? or hey cutie. First, even IN a relationship, I don't want to be called "babe", "cutie", hon, or anything like that. I just don't go for it. And if I don't even KNOW you, I kind of take offense to that. How many women really go around emailing guys with, "hey sexy" or "hey stud". Not many, I'm sure.

Where are the guys who see my book and music list and appreciate the books I read? Or the music that's on my iPod? Where are the guys who have the decency to say, hey, I think you're really pretty AND I saw you're a writer, tell me more about that? Or even just a hi, how are you?

It's really discouraging. And in the South, it's especially hard to find a Jewish guy. I'm amazed with how many agnostic and athiest guys are out there. But I'm putting myself out there, and hoping for the best.

At the very least, I'm being entertained in the process.