the journey.

My brother and I are very different. Always have been, always will be - even from the womb. I was the first kid, so anxious and overeager and competitive to get out that I arrived preterm, stubborn as a whip from the get-go. Brad was over a week late, which suits his easy-going, relaxed, never in a hurry nature. I've always followed the rules and done what was expected of me. Brad has never followed social convention, has struggled with problems along the way, and ended up having a child while not married. And now he owns a house, has a great job and has a kid. I don't know if he ever looks back and wonders how things might have been. I don't think he does. He lives in the moment, something I admire about him and try to emulate.

I am one of those people who always looks back at life, and sometimes wonders how things would be different if I'd chosen a different path. And believe me, I've had PLENTY of opportunities to do so. But lately, when I think about it, I really do believe that the choices I have made and the places where I've found myself are the perfect ones for my journey, because each one has taught me something about myself or life, or enabled me to meet wonderful people, or simply taught me what I DIDN'T want to do with my life. Don't get me wrong - if I'd followed a straight line I could have saved myself thousands in student loans and heartache, but I wouldn't be the person I am today, for better or worse.

My senior year of undergrad, I was poised for doctoral programs in clinical pychology, notoriously the most competitive field of psych. I was terrified of making the wrong decision about where to go. I was accepted to an MA program at NYU and a doctoral program at Nova Southeastern. I chose Nova. I'd been set on psychology since freshman year, and it was the only thing to which I'd given any thought. Well.....except for English. I had toyed with majoring in English to be a writer, and was told it wasn't "practical". (No comment). So at 21, I moved to Ft.Lauderdale to start a doctoral program. Looking back, I was too young and should have thought about it. It was way too "clinical" and focused mostly on cognitive-behavioral therapies, and I was more holistic, Rogerian and Jungian. But do I regret it? I don't, not now. I met a great group of girls with whom I am still in touch - Carrie, Kay and Christy - and lived with my roommate Erica and was a bridesmaid in her wedding to Brian.

I then moved to New York to go for social work at Columbia - which, if you ask the 2 people I'm still friends with from there - was probably a mistake for all of us. Both of them aren't doing anything related to their Ivy League degree. Although it's a top-ranked program, it has, um, some issues. It was so NOT clinical that I found myself back in psychology, for clinical health psychology. But from NY I gained two wonderful friends - Olivia and Jessi - and found one of my adoptive homes, Manhattan.

I had to choose between University of Miami and the Philadelphia College of Osteopathic Medicine. Here's where it gets a little sticky. I actually made myself physically sick over this decision - I had to get muscle relaxers from Student Health because my neck got a crick in it and was stuck for hours, in intense pain. I made my decision - UM - and sent the email. Then I panicked and called them and told them to hold my acceptance. I then chose PCOM, went to the post office across from my apartment, and mailed the letter. Ten minutes later, I realized I had made a HUGE mistake, ran to the post office and had the mail person dig through a huge bin to find my letter to PCOM and give it back to me. That should have been my first clue......but I ended up going to PCOM anyway. Did I learn a lot? Well....sort of. I have to admit, A LOT was review from undergrad. But I got my MS and knew I wanted to be in the health field.

I worked full-time for a year at the ob/gyn office I'd been previously working at part-time, and knew I wanted to be in health/medicine, but didn't know how. I found public health, and applied to a variety of programs. I actually applied to UNC on a total whim, because I knew it was a top program and didn't think I had a chance in hell. I ended up getting into GW and UNC, and without a doubt chose UNC. I don't regret that at all. I love it here, and public health is a HUGE field. I consider my health writing part of public health. I found wonderful friends, wonderful families for whom I babysit who have adopted me into their homes, and found a neighborhood I adore. I found peace, my soul has calmed down here in Chapel Hill.

We all know what happened with PhD applications in 2009....if you don't, just read last year's blogs from March - June. That should explain it.

Throughout this whole time, I wrote. I wrote poetry, I journaled, I wrote essays, I blogged. But I didn't think it could actually BE anything. Then I started writing for health websites and thought, hmmm......

And because I still didn't think it was "practical", took some classes in nursing and failed miserably. My brain just doesn't work that way. And you know, that's okay. I would have always wondered if I never tried. And while some people may think I'm flaky or indecisive, let me ask you this: how do you know if something's not for you, unless you try it? How do you know you'll be bad or good at something, or if something's the right choice, unless you jump off that ledge and do it? So I do not apologize for all my detours, my wild ideas, my false starts and my crash landings. I used to. I used to beat myself up and compare myself to others' smooth rides, their straight paths that never wavered. And maybe that works for them, which is great. But you know, that's just not me.

So here I am. Writing in Chapel Hill, looking at my next journey. I am trying not to regret paths I've taken to get here, because when I think about it, I've gained so much from each twist and turn. I've learned perseverance and how to brush myself off when I find myself on the ground. I've become intimate with disappointment, but also grown close to happiness, laughter and joy. We're all on our own journey, and for some of us, it takes longer to get to some destinations than others. But you know, I don't think I'd change a thing right now.