This picture captures the essence of how I feel lately, but not necessarily in a bad way. Let me explain. I have always been that intense, neurotic girl who planned her life in detail. No joke, I actually wrote out Jaime's Life Plan when I was in college, right down to where I wanted to do my PsyD internship, when I wanted to get married, etc. Needless to say, there have been quite a few detours. I don't like surprises. I'm not a spontaneous person. I used to be terrified of making "the wrong decision"....but it has taken me over 5 years to realize that there was no wrong decision. Every experience I've had, every place I've lived, every program in which I've studied, have a place and reason in my life. And though I have yet to find my place in this confusing and crazy world, I think I'm getting closer. I hope I am. It feels like I am. I may be in pediatric oncology, just not the way I thought. I may be in medicine, but not as a doctor. I don't want to sound Pollyanna-ish....has this been easy? No way. Do I still question my decisions? Constantly. I still fight feelings of doubt and disappointment, but at the age of 28, maybe I am finally headed on the right path.
Things happen for a reason. Going to UNC for my MPH was a dream come true, and I came out of it a little bruised, but still here. I have found a place I can call home, and really, truly love where I live. Dare I say - I'm like a real adult. There have been so many unexplainable and unjustifiable (in my opinon) things that have happened in my life, and I have just come to have blind faith that it will all come together in the end.
I've never been like this before. I've never NOT had a plan. I've never NOT had a clear, laid-out trajectory. I've never doubted myself so strongly in my entire life. The whole PhD debacle really shook my confidence, and I need to regain my belief in myself. Maybe this is all part of the growth process we all go through.
Over 10 years ago, a mentor told me about "blind faith". Taking that leap when you have no idea what's on the other side, but having faith that it would work out. It's only now that I can appreciate that concept the way I think she meant it.
4 comments:
How very true. Every thing we do leads us to where we are!
Welcome and thank you for commenting! The best of luck to you on getting accepted!!
Love,
Tiff
You know what they say. If you want to make God laugh, start making plans...
Little one, life is not about getting there,it is about taking a wonderful journey & along the way enjoying what you are seeing & experiencing. You had blinders on I told you many times, since the path is not a straight one & you need your vision from all sides.....know that you are loved & you did NOT get this neurosis from my side of the family.....we were all wanderers and I told you once before....all who wander are not necessarily lost.....MM
Hey, good luck! Thanks for commenting. I hope you hear back soon!
I'll be adding you to my blogroll so I can keep up with how you're doing :)
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