i like my coffee dark and bitter, like my soul, thanks.

Right now is probably not the best time to blog. I'm in a wicked bad mood, angry at everyone and everything, hating my life, and annoyed at the stupid internet. I'm at Barnes & Noble because my stupid Mac won't connect well to the internet at home, and even here, I'm trying to apply to the goddamn nursing program at UNC and it keeps messing up. WTF? I am NOT happy. Not at all. I am missing my family. I miss my nephew like crazy. It's times like these - when I am stressed and upset - that he has the power to make me feel so much better about life just by wrapping his little arms around me and smiling in my face. I miss him so much I ache. It is days like this that I wonder, what is really keeping me here in Chapel Hill? Sometimes I don't know. 

My aunt had her surgery on tuesday. Right now they are saying it's stage IIIc. I don't even have the energy to elaborate more. Not that anyone wants to hear about it, from what I can tell. 

Honestly? I have 2 graduate degrees, and right now, they're about as useful as toilet paper. I feel like it's all been a waste, frankly. I've been pursuing the wrong things for too many years, the wrong jobs, the wrong professions....and look where it's gotten me. I just can't do this anymore. This is not what I signed up for. I want a huge do-over. I want the last 10 years back. 

So I sit here at B&N, furiously trying to blink back the tears that are threatening to spill over onto the table. Was it really only a few weeks ago that I was in NJ, having dinner with B and C, and staying late at the office, talking with Jonel and Nicole? Was it really so recently that I spent the entire weekend with my sweet Trey, waking up to his little body sneaking through my bedroom door and then a big smile an inch from my face? Was it really only a few weeks ago that my entire family was healthy? That the biggest worry was baby Cole's impending arrival? Unreal. I want that time back. I want to be back up North, enjoying that time again, enjoying my lunch at the Cheesecake Factory with  my grandparents, enjoying lunch at Ponzios, laughing with Natalie, bringing Trey everywhere, going to breakfast with my mom...I am THISclose to just charging the damn ticket, just to get some peace of mind and relaxation.